This list does not include spoiler warnings, content warnings, or any other kind of warnings or tags. (This is not an attempt to be insensitive; rather, I haven't found a warning/tagging method that works for me, or that I have been able to maintain with any reliability.) I give word counts where I know it, and note remixes and crossovers, but that's it.
Fics are sorted by fandom, then by date (old to new).
My AO3 account (here) overlaps this list; not everything on AO3 is listed here, and not everything here is on AO3. One of these days I will get around to fixing that. Maybe.
( fandoms: Buffy, Firefly, Harry Potter, Heroes, Lord of the Rings, Merlin, Numb3rs, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Trek AOS, Star Wars TPM, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Vagrant Story, White Collar, X-Men (First Class), and misc )
This list is up to date as of May 3, 2015
I think I’m kind of in that place where -- you know how if you’re under a lot of stress for a decently long stretch, and you’re kind of bracing against the stress just so it won’t crush you, and then the stress goes away (or at least gets lighter) but you’re still braced and pushing, metaphorically speaking, and so you’re all off kilter and off balance and spending all your energy on bracing against something that isn’t there?
I feel like I ought to be back to normal, but I’m not, and of course my right ear had to be a total drama queen (pictures below, but teal deer is one of my piercings is just sort of wandering down off my ear) so I have to go back to the place I got it pierced (which is an actual tattoo/piercing place with properly trained people) for advice, though probably the advice will be either “let it heal, go one-earringed for a while, and then come back in and we can re-pierce it” or “sorry, can’t re-pierce, you’re destined for one-earringness forever”
(The whole earring situation is discouraging-- not just the wandering piercing, but it isn’t what I thought it’d be, isn’t what it would be if I had mobility. I *wanted* to be able to wear shiny dangly earrings as well as posts, but most of my aides are skittish about removing or putting in earrings, so I end up with the same ducking things all the time, plus I can’t take the earrings out while I sleep because they’ll close up, but I can’t wear the danglies overnight, so I have earrings that I never end up wearing because it’s a pita to fiddle with another person’s earrings and also because I wake up with earrings in and changing is a bigger fuss than just putting in, and I’m just really depressed about it all)
(Er, and it was bugging me even before this last couple months, though my current state of brain isn’t helping any)
and I still want to curl up and hibernate for a month, but the world is expecting me to just jump back into things and hibernating is kind of antithetical to doing shit.
and I still haven’t crocheted at all. Because I suck.
Anyway -- pictures of piercing issue below ( here )
I have my real chair back
And it tilts
because they are fucking dumbasses and didn’t notice a fucking loose screw
(Well, until my dad went to go get it and it wouldn’t go full speed and he wtfed at them and told them to at least get rid of the ducking “safety feature” and so they took it back and 15 minutes later found the fucking loose screw that was making things not connect right)
but I’m actually fucking comfortable again
(Also sobbing like a crazy person, because, well, I’m fucking crazy right now (two more doses I can get through this) but whatever)
* am cranky at doctor's office. I'd called the off-hours advice line on *Saturday* going "cipro nausea is bad what can I do". Their answer was literally "nothing". fuckers. (someone today suggested otc emetrol so am trying that)
* am also cranky at morning aide b/c Yahtzee threw up and she didn't clean it up. I know it's gross but ffs don't just leave it there grr.
* am not at all satisfied with the poem I posted to fan_flashworks but am ridiculously pleased that I hit exactly 100 words
* and now I'm getting random fucking panic/crying attack whee
* and by whee I mean fuck
But the cpap has headgear that's a series of straps to hold the nose piece actually in my nose. And the straps get pressed into my scalp by the sling. And sometimes, I swear to bob, the strap is made of a jagged lump of rock, because that's what it felt like tonight.
I think the sling is actually a smidge higher than usual -- it isn't always a problem, at least not this bad of one. And the sling is up at the top of my head, rather than in the middle of my head. I think most of the time we manage to get the sling positioned so that it's not low enough to hurt (with the edge cutting into the back of my neck) and not high enough to hurt (interfering with the cpap strap). But not tonight, of ducking course not tonight.
Solution one, repositioning the sling, would basically require getting me out of bed and then back in. Way too much fuss.
Solution two, unhooking the top straps, would normally be an option, but tonight I'm paranoid about nausea. (I sleep on my back. I literally cannot roll over or turn my head. Vomiting is bad. I have done it once successfully but there is high risk of aspiration. Calling my roommate in to get me up takes time that I might not have. With the top half of the sling hooked up. I can get myself to a 45 ish angle, which is so much better than flat on my back.) Probably nothing will happen -- I don't have a viral thing, and I think the problem earlier today was that my stomach was just too empty. But paranoid. So no go.
Solution three, moving the cpap strap a bit, might work. But it might not. And if it didn't, I'd end up in agony at 2am but not wanting to wake up my roommate because I'm weird.
Solution four is sleeping without the cpap.
I went with that for tonight but I just want to start bawling (again). It feels somehow like giving up, and I sleep way better with the cpap, and crappy sleep is not something I need right now. But it's what I get.
* currently halfway through course of cipro. woo.
* did you know cipro doesn't play well with cymbalta? (verybad risk of serotonin toxicity)
* so this last week has involved a) being in crappy-ass uncomfortable backup chair, b) my period starting, c) uti, d) cipro, e) not having one of my usual depression meds, f) possibly some amount of withdrawal effects from same.
* needless to say I have been a weepy unproductive miserable sobbing mess.
* gywo word count for jan: 7k, of which 2500 was ffw fic.
Hexcells is a Steam game that is an untimed solo puzzle game. The basic gameplay is essentially hexagonal minesweeper: there is a grid of hexagonal cells, and some are blue and some are not. The ones that are not blue contain a number with how many adjacent cells are blue. Your job is to reveal all cells correctly, left-clicking on a blue cell and right-clicking on a clear cell.
It does get more complicated, of course. As you progress, you get different sources of information -- are the blue cells continuous or disjoint? How many blue cells are there in a particular straight line through the puzzle? etc. -- and of course the puzzles just get trickier.
But what I like is not just the game, but how it's designed and how it's played. It is untimed. (There are not even achievements for speed.) The music and sounds are very soothing, very zen, and yet are not required for play. A misclick -- marking a blue cell clear, or a clear cell blue -- does not end the game or even make an obnoxious noise; it counts as a mistake, and there is an achievement that you can unlock for doing all levels perfectly, but you can do a level as many times as you wish. (Sometimes I will restart a level if I make a mistake; sometimes I will keep going and then go back to it later.) The controls are simple -- just right click or left click -- and because it doesn't involve the keyboard and doesn't have a speed issue, I can actually play it right now.
There are only three downsides. It requires Steam (though I had that installed already); it isn't free (but there are three games in the series and they're only $3 each, which isn't too bad); and it's ridiculously addictive.
* have ticket to Indigo Girls concert next month. am ridiculously excited.
* chair still b0rked and therefore somewhat uncomfortable and ridiculously slow. boo. no word on new chair of course.
* very low energy and low cope. hate being this hurty/exhausted
* am actually making progress on the sweater for niecelet ... by one whole row lol. glad I'm doing the 24m size (she is 14.5)
Usually when I don't have someone coming in to wake me up, I awaken somewhere around 10:30-11:30.
...I woke up after 1:30.
I'd say oops, but I'm pretty damn sure I needed it.
(Especially since last night I was at a meeting that went until 10, and while I was in bed by 11:30, it took a while to relax enough to get to sleep. So that was "only" 12h. But still.)
The ridiculousest bit is I'm still not just tired but sleepy. Like I could go to bed without problems.
Okay, so. I was singing "On Top of Spaghetti" in my head for no particular reason (earlier I was out-loud singing "thwre was an old lady who swallowed a fly" but I couldn't remember what came after the dog, though I have since looked that up), and there is the more commonly known short version, and then there is the version that I learned with an additional verse.
( lyrics, full version )
The bracketed section is not always included. Now, without that verse, the moral makes sense: meatballs are yummy (assuming one is not vegetarian), dirty mushy meatball remains much less so. But *with* the additional verse -- dude, if sacrificing one meatball gave me a magic meatball tree the next year? Hell yeah that's worth it!
(Of course, around here it would be "...and onto the floor, then Yahtzee was helpful, my meatball's no more", so it wouldn't get as far as the magic meatball tree stage. But still.)
tender, like the crispy
tightness of sunburn. It is
the wrong time of year
to be sunburnt -- winter is not
typical sunburn season -- and
the skin is pale, not red,
touched by water and fingers and
towel as it dried my hair.
Touching the pillow (same case as
there was yesterday) is like
the gentle rasp of sandpaper
to my skin.
It does not tell me why.
Somewhere on the back of my
scalp, left of center, is an oddly
sore spot, that did not appreciate
shampoo or the press of fingers
scrubbing. I do not recall anything
smacking me in the head, but it is
swollen just a little, bruised like a
super-ripened peach. I usually enjoy a
scratchy sort of massage with my hair wash,
soap almost secondary to the rub, but the
sore spots does not let me enjoy any
It does not tell me why.
There are other complaints,
signals coming in from other
territories eager to claim their
share of complaints. Muscles are
tense and will not stay relaxed;
skin itches, dry or oily or both;
tightness around my nose means
something not good, but it has not
told me what is coming; right now my
sinuses are clear but carry a constant
threat of pressure, like a thunderstorm
stirring ominously on the horizon;
this moment my knees are content but any
shift threatens to bring pain; etc.
There may be an end to this litany of
sorrows, but it is far off, as far as
the possibility of a brain that does not
succumb to brainweasels, to the
twin agonies of anxiety and depression that I
seesaw between (and if I lose my balance
the fall is long and terrifying), to
shame that erodes and doubt that weighs down,
to all the things I am carefully not listing
so that I do not obsess over them, but
that does not mean they are not there,
skulking, waiting to devour.
They do not tell me why.
X-Men: Fanfic: Rituals. Old mutants in love. ffw or AO3
Star Wars TFA: fic drabble: Finding Wealth. (Hey, new fandom for me.) ffw or AO3
Prompt: On the Outside
Inside Out: fic: Identity. (Also a new fandom!) On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog... or a girl. ffw or AO3
Star Wars TFA: Fanfic: Lost. Finn isn't quite sure where he belongs. Spoilery. ffw or AO3
( today sucked like an overachieving black hole )
For mobility reasons I can't put in or take them out. My roommate is decent, but my aides, not so much. Especially one aide in particular that manages to leave my ears sore and mangled without actually succeeding in getting stuff out. That's one problem.
Problem the second is that I can't leave earrings out of my ears at night, because I seem to close up fast (?!??).
So I end up wearing the same pair (the posts I got at piercing, generally) and my ears don't get a break and I don't wear the dangly ones as much as I want to because I can't wear them to bed, and in the morning I'm never awake enough to think of swapping to something else.
Is there any sort of placeholder I can use at nighttime that will keep the piercing open but not be pokey or anything, that doesn't involve a small backing piece that is impossible to take off so my aides can remove it easily, and that wouldn't cause problems for my ears?
Coming Home (2099 words) by isabeau
Fandom: 12 Dancing Princesses (Fairy Tale)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Additional Tags: Fairy Tale Retellings, POV First Person
Summary: A retelling of sorts.
I seem to have a Thing for f/f retellings of fairy tales.
(also: this very last-minute treat got written in all of three hours -- I'm still boggling.)
But for the last several years, at the beginning of the year I try to set a ... I don't know how to describe it. Focus word and/or phrase, maybe? This last year it was "trust"; before that, love. I've used "be a cat", i.e. Do what I want when I want and be queen of my life, and "be a dog", i.e. Focus in the moment rather than past or future, love wholly whatever I am doing and love unconditionally. It's not really a resolution in the standard sense of doing, it's just something to re-center myself on.
This year's word is Lego.
It surprised me, and it is kind of different, but it feels right, and, well, it clicked. Like legos. Heh.
On one level, it represents creativity, and making things. Which I want to do, yarning and writing and coloring.
On another level, you can only build brick by brick, and the individual changes are small, but it adds up. So if I do one row of crochet it's not a big difference, but if I do one row a day for a month that's 30-ish rows. If I spend fifteen minutes a day writing, it eventually gives me a story. Etc.
I got not one, not two, but three, THREE, lovely delicious perfect stories as gifts.
The Baker's Son and the Witch (3416 words) by Anonymous
Fandom: Into the Woods - Sondheim/Lapine, Into the Woods (2014)
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Baker/Cinderella (Into the Woods)
Characters: Baker's Son (Into the Woods), Cinderella (Into the Woods), original witch character
Additional Tags: Children, Childhood Friends, Witches, Fairy Tale Elements, Storytelling, Yuletide Treat, Pregnancy, Childbirth, Post-Canon
Summary: The Baker's son was a lad of twelve when he met his first witch. He had, strictly speaking, known one before, but it was widely agreed that, while a formative encounter for all involved, it couldn’t actually count since the Baker’s son didn’t remember anything, still being a rather doughy infant at the time.
Wherein a decade down the line, a new witch comes to town looking to make a new story.
This is the AWESOMEST Into The Woods sequel-fic to ever awesome. There is so much to love about it, I don't know where to begin. It adds in little pinches of Discworldesqueness, which is an added delight as far as I'm concerned. It is compatible with the movie version of ITW.
A Life Made of Moments (1063 words) by Anonymous
Fandom: Into the Woods - Sondheim/Lapine
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Characters: Cinderella's Prince (Into the Woods), Rapunzel's Prince (Into the Woods)
Additional Tags: Childhood, Pre-Canon, Yuletide, Yuletide Treat
Summary: "I was raised to be charming, not sincere."
Baby princes -- excuse me, very grown up boy princes -- learning the ways of princing. As I think I said in my DYW letter, I have a weird obsession with the two Princes, and this is a perfect pre-canon glimpse of their lives growing up.
a string of colored beads (8893 words) by Anonymous
Fandom: The Little Mermaid (1989)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Ariel/Eric, Ursula/Eric, Attina/The Princess of Glowerhaven
Characters: Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Attina, The Princess of Glowerhaven
Additional Tags: Mind Control, Captivity, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Political Marriage, Trauma Recovery
Summary: Perhaps the strength of this human kingdom could be increased, and bent one day toward the sea, its resources turned against her old enemy. King Triton feared the fish-eaters, feared their harpoons and nets. Perhaps he was right to be afraid.
This one, oh goodness, where to start. Deliciously long, deliciously ... Well, delicious. Mind control and the effects thereof, some lovely relationship stuff, sign language, f/f, consequences, recovering from trauma, failing to recover from trauma, escapes, true love, miracles... Er, okay, I maybe drifted into Princess Bride territory by the end. But seriously, this fic is a lot of things I like in one very solid package.
I was overwhelmed with delight at having three stories; I was even giddier after reading them. I could not imagine anything that I would have wanted more.