[sticky entry] Sticky: Fic master list

Mar. 14th, 2011 01:59 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
Here is a list of fic that I have written since 2005. The list is not guaranteed to be complete, and does not include snippets that were never officially published. Some pre-2005 work is still available; see the end for details.

This list does not include spoiler warnings, content warnings, or any other kind of warnings or tags. (This is not an attempt to be insensitive; rather, I haven't found a warning/tagging method that works for me, or that I have been able to maintain with any reliability.) I give word counts where I know it, and note remixes and crossovers, but that's it.

Fics are sorted by fandom, then date.

My AO3 account (here) overlaps this list; not everything on AO3 is listed here, and not everything here is on AO3. One of these days I will get around to fixing that.

fandoms: Buffy, Firefly, Harry Potter, Heroes, Lord of the Rings, Merlin, Numb3rs, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Trek AOS, Star Wars TPM, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Vagrant Story, White Collar, X-Men (First Class), and misc )

This list is up to date as of March 5, 2012

Words

Nov. 27th, 2014 01:07 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
The December talky meme still has plenty of dates open, if anyone wants to suggest stuff. (Date is optional, but I want topics pretty please)

NaNo: up to 45k. I don't quite know how. (It helps that some of what I'm doing is the autobiographical blog thing -- 20k words of that, and I'm not even through high school yet -- where the "plot" is fixed and the events have happened and it makes wording easier.) I am steadfastly *thhhhbbbbbppppttt*ing at the voices in my head telling me that some of what I'm doing (e.g. the days where the words I write are whines about my life, or the fact that I'm spreading the words out over multiple projects rather than a single novel) is Totally Cheating And Therefore Doesn't Count, because fuck that noise.

Not my words: Cognitive Trope Therapy. "the way it works is that when you have a [negative/depressive] thought ... then you figure out whether, if your life were a fantasy novel, these words would be spoken by figures wearing black robes, and speaking in a dry, whispering voice, and they are actually withered beings who touched the Stone of Evil ... and if so then you don’t listen" Only there's more. Go read. It's useful and awesome.

Yuletide stuff: My assignment has a finished draft ... and it is *long*, for me. Not like 50k long, but like "third longest fic I have on AO3" long. Also "longest fic I have written for Yuletide" long. I am a little boggled. Also, I have finished four (!) treats, and have started two others, as well as the pinch hit I snagged. Boggle.
ysobel: (Default)
Someone tell me it's okay
to be falling asleep at 8
when I used to be able to stay up
hours

Someone tell me it's okay
to miss a daily habit
when I did 455 days
straight

Someone tell me it's okay
to take an extra pain pill
instead of worrying about
addiction

Someone tell me it's okay
to grieve over what I have lost
instead of forcing myself into
gratitude

Someone tell me it's okay
to be the me that I am now
even if it's not what I feel I
"should"
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
So I had been super proud of myself for maintaining my duo streak even with nano

(455 days)

(Which ran from the beginning of when I started duo, with four skips that were covers by the streak protection thing you can "buy" to cover a single day of inactivity)

Went to bed last night and totally crashed. Couldn't keep my eyes open at all -- and this was at like 9pm, when I usually get to sleep more like 11 -- so I listened to an audiobook until I stopped tracking it, and then slept.

Woke up just now (1am) and realized that I hadn't done duo. Went ack, and went in to do an easy lesson -- I am a boy, the man eats an apple -- because the usual thing would take too much braining (plus I can't see the left half of the keyboard because blanket, and touch typing is less possible on a touchscreen keyboard, so I'm typoing like hell) and I figured doing it now would make sure the streak protection kicked in.

Except I apparently hadn't done it the day before either.

So I am now on a one day streak.

On the one hand, I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. And 455 is something to be damn proud of. And I know I should be seeing the long success instead of the two days of failure: know I should be saying "well I just have to go longer the next time."

On the other, some of what was keeping me doing it daily was the streak itself, and I don't have that, and I don't think I can do it again. Fifteen months is a long time. And every time I see the streak length now, it'll just be a reminder of how I fucked up. Again. Because it feels like I always do.

(ETA and the mom voice in my head is saying that the thing I picked out as my reward for surviving November (and doing so well at nano, but I promised myself something for just getting through the month regardless of what happened with the writing) is now forfeit because of this. That something to reward good behavior does not go to people who mess up this badly. I am fighting that voice but it is … hard. Because my brain is apparently a minefield.)
ysobel: (Default)
I like the momentum I've gotten with NaNo -- not all fiction (it's about half "memory dump blog of my childhood/past", a quarter fics for Yuletide, and a quarter misc other stuff including some of the longer journal entries here), more about getting words out at all than about getting a narrative -- so I figured I'd do the December Talking Meme bandwagon.

Pick a date (or not) and give me a topic, and I'll talk then about that. Not sure how much I have to say, because it will depend on the prompt and how I'm feeling and what phase the moon is in, but I'll say something. Can be anything, fannish or not, personal or not, though I reserve the right to decline prompts I'm not up to handling.

Days (5 taken) )

Crafting

Nov. 21st, 2014 01:06 pm
ysobel: (yarn)
I have not made progress on any sort of yarncraft in November. This is mostly understandable: the puzzle ball is stalled in What If I Get It Wrong mode, the baby sweater hasn't been started, and NaNoWriMo means I am spending most of my "free" time writing, not yarning. Plus, there is a sort of inertia issue where setting up the crafting stuff takes a lot of effort, so for one thing I tend to be disinclined to do crocheting when I have a short amount of time so would spend 75% of the time setting up and 20% putting away and only 5% actually crocheting, and for another thing I am lazy and it is easier to refresh ravelry than get out crocheting supplies.

But even though my body is all inertia-y and lazy, my brain is in MAKE ALL THE THINGS mode.

list o stuffs, all rav links )

I think that some of the make-all-the-things impulse is, like, the same thing that is me wanting to do cross-stitch. It's unreleased creativity that my body can't really do any more (or at least do easily) that I want to be able to do in the way that I did before. I want to do cross-stitch; I want to knit normally, using whatever size yarn and whatever size needles; I don't care about crocheting normally because I never did that and my current method works, but I want to be able to crochet objects larger than a dishcloth without having the fabric get in my way or having problems flipping at the ends of rows; I want to be able to use a yarn needle again, for weaving in ends and for sewing things.

I want to, and I can't, and my brain hasn't willingly caught up to my body's limitations.
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
As of today
Words Written Today: 3,789 (!), mostly blog
Total Words Written: 28,987

WPD to hit 50k by the end of the month: 1911

Words on Project A, aka autobiographical blog: 13,712
Words on Project B, aka Yuletide: 7,874 (includes three completed stories, most of a 4th that is at 3619 words, and parts of three others)

Words of fiction written in all of 2012 to present (excluding this): 8970, over 9 stories

You guys. I have written almost as much pure fiction in the last 19 days as in the previous 3 years combined. And one of the stories I have done for Project B is literally the longest I have ever written for Yuletide (second longest being 2959 words in 2005) and the longest thing of fiction I have written since Jul 2011.

Project C, which makes up the other 7kish of the wordcount, is a little cheatingier since it's not True Writing -- Project A is my own memories but in narrative form, Project B is definitely fic, but C is a catchall category, mostly used for days when I've made insufficient progress (or none at all) on the other two, and it's still Things What I Have Written. (And not even just lyrics to les mis typed out over and over again, which I have considered sometimes.)

It's not a novel. But considering that I've basically been in a writing drought for several years, this is pretty damn impressive output.

I am not displeased.

(Except for the perfectionist part of me that will only be satisfied if I hit 50k, and is grumbling about how it's not actually a novel and so doesn't really count. But that part of me can stfu.)
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), drawing a bunny (art)
cross-posted to tumblr, where no one will see it because my tumblr is a small and lonely blog

#

I wish I could go back and tell my child!self that for the purposes of drawing, tracing is absolutely okay

especially tracing over the how-to-draw books that I had

because seriously I got so much negativity for it -- from peers (I remember on time drawing an elephant by tracing so that it would actually look like an elephant, and then shifting some things, like exact positioning of a leg or whatever, so that when I inevitably got accused of tracing I could say "hold it up, I bet they don't match exactly) and from my parents (who always were disappointed whenever I came up with a drawing that was traced rather than free-drawn)

because being able to look at a photo and copy what you see is an important skill, but it isn't easy

and tracing allows you to get the feel for how to draw the preoper proportions, so that you don't end up with heads at the wrong proportions ("is that a neandarthal?" -- comment on an anonymous chalkboard doodle I'd done of a person in profile, where the horizontal came out squished) or legs in the wrong places ("why is his leg coming out of his stomach" -- comment on a cat I'd tried to draw by freehand)

tracing allows you to get things that look the way you want them to look

and it's not the most advanced form of art and maybe you shouldn't do it forever, but it helps so much and it's not wrong

it is not a sin
ysobel: (Default)
CW: griefy babble, incoherence, iPad autocorrect errors

I have to preface this by saying that I am not crying yet, but once I start my eyesight will get horribly blurry and I can't promise to make any sort of sense. But I had to say something because I think I'd implode otherwise.

Trigger the first: writing the sort of autobiographical memory dump blog, which is one of my nano projects, has raised some (not unexpected) emotions, because reasons. Because I can remember how optimistically naive I was back during the early stages of knowing I had FOP. (I remember a conversation my mom was having with someone about how the end result of FOP was basically turning into a human statue with just finger movement left, and that horrified me until they said it was just in the worst cases and so I basically shrugged it off with "that isn't going to be me." I remember several situations of thinking that okay this whole FOP thing was inconvenient but I could handle it. I remember thinking, and voicing with complete honesty, the opinion that it could even be a good thing, because it limited the "you can do anything with your life" to cut out, say, marathon running or whatever, and at that point I had more possibilities than I knew what to do with.). And because it reminds me of things I used to do. Used to be able to do.

Trigger the second: in one of my other online fora, someone posted a giveaway offer for a cross-stitch kit that, twenty years ago, I would have snapped up in a flash.

I started cross-stitch sort of as a "because my big sister was doing it" thing, but I got seriously hooked, and it was one of my sanity savers during college. I tended to go for the more realistic ones, often with either nature themes (especially animals) or fantasy themes. And I was ... obsessed. I would go to Michaels every chance I got, looking through what they had, whether or not I was planning on buying anything. Aisles of cross-stitch kits, from the small and kitschy to the large and detailed. I tended to go for the kits rather than solo patterns because the materials were all there -- especially since this was pre-internet, so ordering the right color thread online was not possible.

I don't know how many I actually finished, but it wasn't about finishing. It was about doing. About creating art, and about the meditative rhythm of pulling embroidery thread through fabric.

And I can't do it any more.

I can't do any of it. I can't separate the plies of embroidery thread; I can't thread a needle; I can hold on to a frame, but not in such a way that my other hand can reach the canvas to put the needle in the right place; I can't pull my arm away to draw the thread through; I can't ... I just can't.

And it hurts like someone has reached into my chest and yanked out my heart.

I've lost a lot of things. Some I don't really miss because I have alternatives (I don't really care that I can't walk; my wheelchair takes me where I need to go). Some are frustrating (going to the bathroom myself, getting in and out of bed myself, being able to drive myself places, feeding myself) and infuriating but they don't hurt, they just irritate. Some are dull aches that I've filled with other alternatives (I miss playing the violin, but I can still listen to stuff, and I still have music with my singing; I miss knitting, but I can still do it awkwardly and I have crochet and loom knitting to fill the yarn-play gap).

Losing xstitch hurts, and it doesn't stop hurting, and there aren't alternatives.

I mean, technically, yes, I could use Tunisian simple stitch to make a fabric that I could do large-scale cross-stitch on, but that's not the sort of thing that I miss, because it would either be super simple (I went more for the more realistic looking stuff, not the "blocky arrangement that sort of looks like a bird if you squint) or so large that I wouldn't be able to manage it.

And it doesn't help with the things that I have as cross-stitch kits that I would give pretty much anything to be able to make.

I knew that xstitch got harder as you got older, because of eyesight changes. But that can be adapted for with bright light and magnification. Immobility can't.

I want my xstitch back. I want it so badly I can't even cry; it just bottles up in my throat. I want it so much that the words I've written here aren't enough to either convey the depth of my need or to relieve the pain.

I want it back, and I'm *never going to be able to do if ever again*,

And every time I think about if, every time I see the sort of xstitch I'd have been attracted to, every time I see one of the boxes of half-finished xstitch projects shoved in my closet that I really ought to get rid of but can't bear to, it's like getting stabbed all over again.
ysobel: (Default)
I am sort of behind on nano words (600-odd the last two days and less than 400 today, which is one day's "target" spread over three days)

BUT

a) my Yuletide assignment story is now the longest fic I've ever written for Yuletide, and it's still not done

b) I have written something every day so far

d) I have maintained my duolingo streak (445 days and counting)

e) most awesomely, my sister has successfully made a tiny human, and I got to go down and visit them today. It's the first time I've held a baby that I can recall, definitely the first time I've held one less than 24 hours old, and -- because I am totally not biased or anything -- she is the cutest baby ever omg. And tilting back with a nice warm sleepy burrito baby on my chest reminds me a lot of the way Suri used to be, except less purry and more squeaky.

f) I am terrified that she isn't going to like me, especially since I can't really physically interact with her at all, but this is more under the category of "stupid brain tricks" (and also "why I would make a really bad mother")

g) today's adventures are going to leave me with a major spoon deficit tomorrow, yikes. And it is hard to write without spoons
ysobel: (Default)
The good: I have exactly 16667 words for nano so far. (Okay, it's under the target average blah blah, but hell with that, I'm a third of the way to 50k and it's awesome. And yeah I "only" got 600-odd words today, but after yesterday I'm surprised I managed anything.)

The not so good: between pain issues and continued withdrawal issues (rebound insomnia and twitchiness) from what I am now terming serofuckoffquel, I am still awake and it's almost 2am and I'm not sure I'll be getting to sleep any time soon. But I'm also too tired to write. So I'm just lying here hurting and being annoyed by trivial discomforts and generally meh.

The musical: Beethoven's Mass in C is still pretty awesome. I don't much like the other two things we're doing but the Mass makes me happy.

The crafty: can someone please tell my perfectionism to shut the hell up please? I've been stalling on the toy puzzle ball thing because I'm afraid it will look wrong or be lopsided or whatever, and rationally I know that's silly, but I am not always good at rational.
ysobel: (Default)
I am doing a lot of wtfing tonight.

So, okay, Yuletide minimum length is 1k words. (Treats can be shorter, but never mind that.) And usually I write a bunch and it’s 600-800 and I go “well crap” and by the time I finish I’m usually like “must *gasp* reach *gasp* 1k *gasp*”.

So my word count for this exchange in past years has been 1022. 1052, 1162, 1820, 1099, 1035, 1105, 1135, etc. Mostly between 1000 and 1200. Almost all under 2k. I have a 2356-word story from 2009, a 2432-word story from 2006, and a 2959-word from 2005. And I haven’t written anything over 2k words since 2011.

...Today, I have written 2500 words on my current assignment. And it’s not done yet.

*blink* *blinkblink*

(also, that gives me 16k words for the month, very close to the 16670 target for where I “should” be in order to hit 50k.)

I just. What.
ysobel: (Default)
There is a kind of sadness that lives inside me
A tight, choking, painful sadness
Hungry and hollow and needy and desperate
That has no name

My heart is sheathed in iron bands forged too small
My throat is sewn tightly and held closed
So that nothing may escape
Except the tears that leak unwanted from my eyes
And sometimes, if I am alone,
A low wild keening sound that slips past me

I do not know the face of this sadness
For it hides itself -- shame, perhaps, or secrecy
I do not know the name of this sadness
For it does not introduce itself -- it is just here

It might be grief
For things that were but are no more
Or things that never were or cannot be
It might be anger
Towards the world, the universe,
Or myself
It might be loneliness
For the isolation enforced by depression and disability
It might be pain
Too sharp for words or thoughts
Too primitive to be explained

It does not tell me, and it does not let me go
It will not be ignored
It can only be embraced as part of me
And endured

And perhaps
Since it is within me
Perhaps
Loved
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
I have officially done Awesome Shit writingwise in the past three days. I am doing NaNoWriMo using three separate projects; Project A is a blogged autobiography thing, Project B is stories for Yuletide (assigned and treats), and Project C is miscellaneous other writing. Between the three of them I have gotten 5000 words so far, writing three out of three days. And better yet, I have actually written *and finished* two Yuletide treats, one posted to the archive already (fourth story in the collection lol) and the other too short to post yet but it's ready to go once the Madness archives open. And I have noted on my assignment, and fragments written of three other treats, as well as a list of like 35 more possibilities based on letters.

Let me re-emphasize this: I have *written and finished* two stories in the last three days.

I don't want to jinx anything, but starting with the poem I wrote a week or so ago? Not only has my creativity come back, but I even like what I'm producing. (Which is big, because the last few years, writing anything has been like pulling teeth, squeaked out reluctantly as close to deadline as possible and I've hated the end result.).

I very strongly suspect that this resurgence of creativity is not coincidental to the drug that I'm going off of (with psychdoc approval, don't worry). And if I can get my writing back -- if I can write, and have fun with it, and get stories out in a way that flows and feels good -- it is hella worth the fact that going off said drug is also giving me rebound insomnia.

Which is why I'm posting at 1:30am. Because hi, I'm pretty awake.

I am also having seriously ping-pongy mood swings in the last few days. Bouncing from "yay everything is awesome" to "I am a horrible person and woe and gloom" is ... quite frankly, exhausting. But I guess it's progress over constant copelessness.

It does, though, feel astonishingly vulnerable. Like the miasma of constant depression was somehow an armor or shell or something, and opening up more exposes my squishy innards.

My gut...

Nov. 2nd, 2014 05:36 pm
ysobel: (Default)
... is trying to kill me making me miserable. Possible tmi alert, though not too much.

stuff )

HIPPO

Nov. 1st, 2014 01:49 pm
ysobel: (Default)
So my mom and I were at this ... thing what had gifts you could buy (not a store, sort of more of a fundraisery thing but like a gift shop)

and there was one thing that I basically went "*grabbyhands* WANT" at, only more civilizedly

because how awesome is this )

OF course I then had to explain to my mom how hippos work in #yuletide

and then she got it for me as an early birthday present because she is awesome like that

:D

more photos )
ysobel: (Default)
YOU GUYS

VR.5 IS AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE

Seriously this is awesome. Because it never came out on DVD (*shakes fist*) and all I have are not-first-generation videocasettes and I don't have a working VCR so I can't watch them

AND NOW I CAN

and I have this epic post-series fic that I was working on (where, spoilers and/or this won't make sense if you haven't seen the show Byvire trgf Fnznagun'f uryc (rira gubhtu fur qbrfa'g gehfg uvz) gb tb vagb IE nsgre Flqarl, naq gurl unir guvf jubyr guvat jvgu uvf fhopbafpvbhf naq fghss, naq gura ur svaqf gur Pbzzvggrr-flzoby znmr naq svaqf Flqarl naq fur ershfrf gb yrg uvz fnpevsvpr uvzfrys sbe ure naq vg'f nyy synvyl naq Byvire-pragevp naq fghss), that stalled because I needed to refresh canon -- especially TMFOA and the last ep -- and I had no source for it

AND NOW IT IS ON YOUTUBE AAAAHHHHH SO MUCH LOVE

(If you don't know it -- the special effects are lulz because 1995 and the pilot drives me crazy because reasons, but it has a youngish ASH and a David McCallum and the latter half of the series is spectacular and I love it lots)
ysobel: (Default)
I am pondering options for this year's NaNo. Can't decide.

Things I have thought of so far:

a) Just writing words, even if it's the equivalent of morning pages (i.e. whatever, coherent or not)

b) Writing words about a pre-selected prompt (e.g. make a table of words to prompt on, or make an alphabet list of prompts plus four more, or a list of random stuff that I use a random number generator on, or prompts from various *_bingo things, or something), but not necessarily a story

c) Write thirty separate story snippets about pre-selected or randomised prompts

d) Write thirty connected story snippets (which is sort of like a very disorganized novel?) about etc.

e) Write about myself, my life, my medical adventures, etc. I don't know whether I can remember enough to make 50k words but whatever.

f) Try for actual authentic NaNo experience, i.e. writing a novel, which is likely to fail so hard but would be legit

I also can't decide whether, for options other than e, to do fanfic or origfic or some mixture of both.

Mrgh.

Advice, anyone?
ysobel: (Default)
Tuesday was the monthly meeting
Of the society of mythics

The first item:
Whether to remain as one group
Or split into land and sea

The kelpies and selkies
Wanted things to stay as things were,
While the mermaids
Were in favor of splitting
And brought to the group's attention
Two petitions for admission

One from narwhals
As the "unicorns of the sea"
Which made the unicorns (of the land)
Snort fire in frustration

The other from walruses
As "vampires of the sea"
To which one vampire raised a half-hearted objection
That they did not drink human blood
And a second vampire pointed out
That neither did the sparkly newcomers
And yet a third declared
Those were not true vampires either
And that side of the room soon devolved
Into comparisons of fang lengths

Meanwhile the trolls
Sat weeping great stone tears
Out of grief that their name had been diluted
By imposters -- mannerless rude uncouth
Drama-seekers on the internet
And were comforted by several giants
Who did not wear orange and black
And did not, as a rule, like baseball
Except as played "properly"
With a mammoth's thighbone
And a human head

Meanwhile the great green dragon
(One of the last of his kind not yet hibernating)
Was drowsing irritably in a corner
With a bad case of indigestion
From eating an airplane
That had strayed too close to its territory

Meanwhile the ghosts passed through
Unnoticed


x-posted to tumblr here

Profile

ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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