This list does not include spoiler warnings, content warnings, or any other kind of warnings or tags. (This is not an attempt to be insensitive; rather, I haven't found a warning/tagging method that works for me, or that I have been able to maintain with any reliability.) I give word counts where I know it, and note remixes and crossovers, but that's it.
Fics are sorted by fandom, then date.
( fandoms: Buffy, Firefly, Harry Potter, Heroes, Lord of the Rings, Merlin, Numb3rs, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Trek AOS, Star Wars TPM, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Vagrant Story, White Collar, X-Men (First Class), and misc )
This list is up to date as of March 5, 2012
Ten minutes after I get into bed, am awake and restless again, and my brain is going "ooh let's DO SOMETHING."
(and of course I have to be up early tomorrow because rehearsal)
Well, not *nothing*; I have achieved tea. Go, me!
(have not yet given in to the impulse that eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting is also a valid option, mainly because the GS cookies in our apartment technically belong to my roommate and so I can't eat them without asking her even though she mainly got them for people-who-are-not-her to eat)
Uh, content warning for mild auto accidents; if that is bothersome don't read this
--where I was driving on ... I guess "like the less scary parts of coastal Hwy 1" doesn't help most of you. Coastal highway, one lane each way, limited visibility because of left-right wiggliness and also mild hill-like fluctuations, but without scary cliff drop-offs on the side. And I realized suddenly that while I was explicitly the driver, and alone in the car, I was sitting in the front passenger seat instead of the driver seat. I could lean over to grab the steering wheel, but I couldn't reach the gas or brake. (As is common in dreams, I have significantly more mobility than in RL.)
So I had a choice: try to shift myself over into the drivers seat, which would probably take somewhere between 10 and 30 seconds, during which time I would have to let go of the wheel and not be able to look ahead or correct anything; or steer off road and do friction slowing. There were cars coming in the opposing lane, a risk to the plan A. There was a gravel turnout, the sort of thing meant for slow traffic to pull aside to let faster vehicles past, coming up. I could do a plan C of steering in the pretense of being in normal control, and hope that I didn't end up slowing to a stop blocking the road, but there was no guarantee of anything beyond what I could see.
I chose plan B. Steered off the road, into the gravel. I wasn't slowing quickly enough to be able to stop before the gravel turnout ended, so I made a split second choice to steer into what was basically a guard rail; the front fender crumpled a little, and the car (well, minivan, really) spun around, but stopped.
...at which point my mom showed up and started snarking about how I should have stopped sooner blah blah all my choices are wrong nyah.
I sort of want to blather about how this whole thing applies to my non-dream life -- control, and feelings of same, and then being judged (by myself as much as by others) for the fact that the best possible decision in the moment was not the most perfect of all possible actions -- but eh.
Initial start to the pattern: chain 51, work 16 rows blo slip stitch, then do complicated pattern stuffs.
Guess how much I got around to doing?
...a whole fourteen chains of the starting chain.
It was partly aide frustration (including the thing where my afternoon aide has to come/leave early on Tuesdays so my lunch choice is between eating when I'm not hungry yet or skipping lunch entirely, and I did the latter so have low blood sugar on top of everything) and partly despair about physical limitations (not being able to get myself food, not being able to stash dive for yarn or wind my skeins into balls, being only awkwardly and effortfully able to open/close/lock/unlock my front door ... so much frustration omg) and partly just idek.
Start watching an ep, get to just after title sequence, and see a (this episode only) character for th first time. Go "hey he looks familiar".
...just as the screen pops up with Special Guest Star: Saul Rubinek.
(I may have gone adfgrsdff at the screen and had to come post about it immediately. Possibly.)
Choir concert is a week from Sunday, which means that next week is what I call Rehearsal Week of Doom. Normal weeks we have rehearsals Tuesdays and Thursdays 4-6. Next week we have Tuesday 4-6 and 7-9:30, Thursday 4-6 and 7-9:30, Saturday 9:30-12 and 1:30-4, and Sunday 2-4:30, with the concert that evening.
This is a metric fuckton of rehearsals.
It is, needless to say, really fucking exhausting.
I've done this enough times to know that RWoD wipes me out and I can't really do other stuff, especially if it involves my voice at all. This usually means that I end up skipping out on church that Sunday, a decision cemented in my mind by the fact that that Sunday is when DST begins.
Wednesday is Ash Wednesday -- the service marking the beginning of Lent, which is the liturgical season leading to Holy Week and Easter -- and while it's not the Most Important Service Ever Zomg, I get a lot out of it, and get a lot out of the way it kind of centers me spiritually for Lent.
And it falls, this year, in the middle of RWoD.
I won't be too exhausted yet, because at that point there's only been one additional rehearsal period, but that almost makes it worse. It would be easier if it fell after the concert, so I could judge at the time whether or not I could manage it. But I have to be able to predict whether or not going to Ash Wednesday service will cause spoon-deficit issues for the weekend.
And I say to myself, it sounds an awful lot like G'Kar too.
So I look it up after the ep is over, and -- yep.
(I love it when I can not only recognize actors like that but remember what I recognize them from.)
(...and dangit, I wish Netflix had B5 available *sadface*)
First two questions are for shows I have seen and am interested in rewatching. First is radio (choose one), second is choose as many as you want. I am limiting myself to what is on Netflix, except for Stargate SG-1 where I have DVDs of at least the first four seasons, which are my favorites anyway. (There are other shows that would be on there (*cough*B5*cough*) except I have no good way to watch them easily.)
Second two questions are for when I want new TV. Same set of options. I am also willing to take suggestions for that category. Strong preference to things available online, for obvious reasons.
Last is for shows that I have watched ... somewhere between half an episode and two episodes of. They didn't grab me, but I am aware early episodes are not always the best, and so I'd be willing to give them a second chance if someone else (who has seen them) thinks they get worth it.
What should be next on my rewatch queue?
Stargate SG-1 [not on Netflix]
What should be priorities on my rewatch queue?
Stargate SG-1 [not on Netflix]
What should be next on my new TV queue?
What should included on my new TV queue?
Which of these shows should I give a second chance to?
It is a hell of a lot easier for me to enforce boundaries on behalf of those in my care than for myself.
Cross my boundaries, and I tend to ... retreat, withdraw, but remain awkwardly polite.
Cross the boundaries of one of my pets? Oh hell no.
(Monkey established fairly early on the spaces she considers safe hideouts, foremostly the upper shelves in the usually-closed side of my closet. One of my PAs interacts with her a bit harrassingly, which seems to me to be his default for pets. I found myself this morning having to enforce the "leave her alone when she is in the closet" rule, without hesitating, and going on to explain that the closet was her safe space and I was not willing to compromise that by letting anyone pursue her once she's gone there.)
(It's partly pet common sense -- a cat that is not allowed a place to escape, who has no option to say "leave me alone" and have that be respected, is a cat that is more likely to attack. It's partly a matter of empathy; my PA is a lot more social and a lot less likely than I am to have experienced a need for sanctuary. And it's partly just a thing of holy fuck I can actually stand up to someone that is just mind-bogglingly unusual for me.)
2) 68 (F; 20 C) and sunny is my favorite sort of weather omg. (I know we need rain, but I love this so very much.)
3) My cousin's baby is the cutest baby ever, I swear.
4) I am still not writing much but I am starting to be able to sort of ... tell snippets to myself in my head, is the only way I can describe it? Which is at least progress?
5) My good mood of today (see especially points 1 and 2 above) was kind of dampened by reading an article on someone who has FOP (the same condition I have) but whose only restrictions are in the left hip and in her jaw, and I got kind of overwhelmed with massive resentment towards someone who is ~struggling bravely~ (not really her words, but the tone of the article and comments) when I have so much more restriction, and I know it's not fair because a) FOP is scary as shit because of the progressive aspect and worrying about the future and b) just because person A "has it worse" than person B doesn't mean person B's problems aren't significant, but that doesn't actually get rid of the resentment, just add an anvil of self-loathing, which doesn't help anything
6) I have a post brewing about legitimizing/honoring emotions, but ... now would not be a good time. /eyes brain/
This is a weekly occurrence, and the family needs to work out when to have which foods.
For arbitrary reasons, it is not possible to a) make both A and B for the same meal, b) find an option C that all people feel equally pleased with, or c) let dissatisfied members make their own breakfasts. It is always either A or B, and all participants must partake.
What is the best option?
A every week (straight vote-counting)
AAAB repeated (rotation of member preferences)
AB repeated (everyone gets one off week and one on week)
B every week (executive decision, with coup as necessary)
Random lots, weighted 3-to-1
Random lots, weighted 1-to-1, e.g. coin toss
( explanation )
Snacks can be put in the trash category for whatever reason, no justification needed. It can be as general (don't like a particular ingredient) or specific (don't like this particular combination) as you want. I felt okay about trashing most of the walnut stuff, because I generally don't like walnut, although I kept one of the things on 'try'. I felt sort of okay about trashing the one that sounded intriguing enough to be worth an eh ingredient (peanuts, which I am oddly meh about despite consuming vast quantities of peanut butter) but that I didn't even finish the package of.
But there was one that I tried tonight -- redskin peanuts, roasted hazels, jumbo raisins and cranberries -- that I wanted to be better than it was. I didn't dislike it, I just ... didn't enjoy it. It didn't make my mouth happy.
So, I considered marking it as trash, because why use one of four spots on something that I know I am indifferent about?
...and I got an immediate stab of self-inflicted guilt making me want to hide in a corner. Because how dare I make someone else ~feel bad~ (never mind that it's just a fucking website and if it can be said to have desires that desire would be to make people happy) and impose ~preferences~ (on a system that's designed to take my preferences wtf) and maybe if I ~tried harder~ I would ~learn to appreciate it better~ (...)
Yeah, I have no idea.
I should be asleep. I have to get up early tomorrow for church; I've been running tired a lot anyway lately; I need a lot of sleep in general; I should be asleep.
Instead, my mind is behaving like a two year old who really doesn't want to lie still and go to sleep. I'm hot -- I'm cold -- I'm thirsty -- I'm hungry -- my face is itchy -- my heel hurts -- okay now my hip hurts -- I'm bored --
Really the only differences are a) I can't actually get up and wander around or anything, and b) the only person I'm bugging with all this is myself.
(and all y'all too, now, but shhh)
instead of focusing just on
"save for a rainy day"
"save for a special occasion"
that we -- that I --
had been taught also
how to savor the moment
things cannot be stayed
objects can go bad, dry out, turn stale
people and situations can change
nothing is forever
we do not have infinite moments
and saving something for tomorrow
does not work
if we run out of tomorrows
I need to remember
there is no better moment than now
no better place than here
One of the more frequent Reasons is something I've had as an issue since I was a kid. I don't know how much of this is innate to my personality, how much was intentionally taught by my parents (especially my mom) and how much was unintentionally taught by my parents, but it is basically this: You can practice as much as you need to but it is super important to never mess up with the real thing.
When I was a kid, my mom would photocopy coloring books/pages so that I could color the copies instead of the original. From a grownup standpoint, this makes sense: coloring a decent copy is the same as coloring the original, but you can do it over and over again without having to buy a gajillion books. From a kid perspective, this told me that coloring books, aka real things, were precious and should not be used unless you were absolutely sure you could Do It Right, but copies, aka practice, could be done indefinitely. I don't think this is the message she meant for me to learn, but brains are weird.
Same thing with, say, writing a letter or an essay or something: write out in pencil what you are going to say, and then when you're satisfied, ink it on the final product.
So this applies to crafting: I can not mess up on the finished product, or with the expensive yarn, or whatever, so if there's a new technique, practice it with mediocre yarn first. (The concept of "try it before you commit" even has a name, because swatching is as much for practicing techniques as it is for checking gauge.)
Which might be okay -- there's plenty of cheap but decent yarn in light solid colors that is good for practice -- except that it directly collides with another issue I have: Make Everything Count. Practice, sayeth this part of my brain, is not necessary if you're just Good Enough (and then perfectionism butts in to say that if you're not Good Enough why do it at all). Who cares if a technique is new, just jump in to the project without swatching or practicing! And be Perfect! That way you get more done with the time/spoons spent!
...so half my brain is saying that I should practice before doing anything for real, and half is saying that practice is stupid and wasteful especially since I have limited spoons to craft with, and then I wonder why I never get stuff done.
( Stuff to work on )
Me at noon: oh hey I'm awake and alert and stuff, awesome! Kind of fidgety, but that's survivable.
Me at 11pm: fidgety still
Me at midnight: really, body? Sigh.