[sticky entry] Sticky: Fic master list

Mar. 14th, 2011 01:59 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
Here is a list of fic that I have written since 2005. The list is not guaranteed to be complete, and does not include snippets that were never officially published. Some pre-2005 work is still available; see the end for details.

This list does not include spoiler warnings, content warnings, or any other kind of warnings or tags. (This is not an attempt to be insensitive; rather, I haven't found a warning/tagging method that works for me, or that I have been able to maintain with any reliability.) I give word counts where I know it, and note remixes and crossovers, but that's it.

Fics are sorted by fandom, then date.

My AO3 account (here) overlaps this list; not everything on AO3 is listed here, and not everything here is on AO3. One of these days I will get around to fixing that.

fandoms: Buffy, Firefly, Harry Potter, Heroes, Lord of the Rings, Merlin, Numb3rs, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Trek AOS, Star Wars TPM, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Vagrant Story, White Collar, X-Men (First Class), and misc )

This list is up to date as of March 5, 2012
ysobel: (Default)
Still around, just don't have a whole lot to say.

Everything sort of feels like either I am in a chrysalis with some big transformation ahead of me, or in a state of decay withering to nothing, and I can't tell which. Either way, there's nothing to see here but a puddle of goop.

(Speaking of goop... Have you ever watched air bubbles rise through a thick clear substance like liquid soap? The way it sort of glurps into existence at the formation (like if you're pouring softsoap from one container into another) and drifts upwards until -- blup! -- it's gone. My emotions are rather like that right now; mostly an unpleasantly neutral sort of blah, and there are occasional glurps of happiness that last briefly and then blup away again.)


Mar. 30th, 2014 12:14 pm
ysobel: (Default)
So I apparently went through a phase in high school where I kept insisting I was half Vulcan. I don't remember to what extent I thought I was joking; my mom says I was adamant about it. It was more than just being obsessed with Spock (which also happened, because Spock is awesome), it was actually saying/pretending/believing/whatever that I was half Vulcan. (The sort that looked human, because no pointy ears here.)

Fast forward to today, when my TNG rewatch continues, and I get to the episode Hero Worship, wherein a human kid that survives a traumatic incident that kills everyone else on his spaceship basically imprints on Data and starts maintaining that he is an android, and talking/acting as though he is. The show is not really very subtle about the whole "androids can't experience emotions, he wants to escape his fear / terror / bad memories / trauma, being an android allows him to do that for a while" thing.

And something clicked in me. Because Vulcans are (at least in theory) good at *suppressing* emotion, and replacing with logic, and while they tend to be imperfect at it, there is the whole theme of struggling to overcome emotion. And I was at the time dealing with a whole bunch of shit -- high school is stressful, puberty and associated change is stressful (even though I didn't have any sexual complications going on), surgery and chemo and similar things are stressful, scary untreatable progressive medical conditions are stressful -- and ... yeah.

ysobel: (Default)
I have too much Stuff, and I ... don't particularly like it.

elaboration and categorization )

So here are the problems I've identified that keep me from getting stuff clean:

- lack of organizational system (and for lack of a proper place to put stuff, it just piles up)
- stuff is all jumbled together (so e.g. dealing with art supplies wouldn't be a problem except that it's in several different places and mixed in with important papers and unimportant papers and whatever)
- shame / fear of judgment
- limited mental endurance for sorting or for judging what to keep and what to toss (compounded by the fact that I have to coordinate with others so can't just clean when I feel like it and stop when I feel like it
- a very strong tendency to not want to get rid of something as I'm sorting even though the only time I remember or care that I have it is when I'm sorting


I. I don't like my place the way it is, I have way too much shit, and I haven't got any fucking clue how to fix it.

(This entry is partly just me talking stuff out, but suggestions or comments are more than welcome)
ysobel: (Default)
Depending on how you look at it, I am on either day 55 or day 217 of my current streak.

(If you use the website, the 'store' that allows you to buy things with lingots, aka the site currency, includes a "streak freeze" that "allows your streak to remain in place for one full day of inactivity." I had that equipped back when I missed a day, so theoretically I'm still on my original streak, thus 217 days; but the iOS app doesn't seem to be aware of the streak freeze, so it reset to 0 when I missed a day, thus 55 days.)

Yay me, I guess?
ysobel: (Default)
I don't know how to tell the difference between laziness and depression / spoon deficit, and it is frustrating me.

...laziness is not the best term, perhaps, because it has negative connotations. which may or may not be appropriate, so, maybe:

I don't know how to tell the difference between immature don't-want-to-ness, that I can and should just push through and override, and mature don't-want-to-ness and/pr can't-ness, which I should respect instead of chafing at.

I mean, there are things that very obviously fall into the "can't" category. Like, say, Irish dancing. No amount of pushing myself is going to change that.


Take, for example, getting outside for a walk. Should I? Absolutely. It's good for me to get fresh air and sunshine, it's good for me to take a break from computering, it's good for Yahtzee to get exercise ... Can I? No reason why not; I have roommate here to help with leash/door, and it doesn't really physically exhaust me, because I'm not actually walking. All I do is push a joystick forward.

And I completely and utterly am mired in but I don't want to.

The last two days I managed to push through the bIdwt and get out, and maybe it didn't really make me feel better but it also didn't make me feel worse. So maybe this is the immature sort of not wanting to, where I'm metaphorically sulking and dragging my feet and whining but don't have any good reasons not to do it and so with luck my adulter side will win out and get me moving.

Or maybe it's not, and I ought to listen to my body and take it easy.

And I hate that I can't tell the difference.
ysobel: (Default)
Data: "I have studied a great deal of human literature on the subject of love and romantic liaisons. There are many role models for me to emulate."

My first reaction: DATA, NO, stay away from the glitter ;_;
ysobel: A kitten curled up, one paw half over its face; text: ow (ow)
So I have this thing where my ears tend to clog up a lot

(it's not so much earwax as a combination of oil and dead skin, and my ears are also very itchy because of all that but anything I do tends to push the buildup inwards)

so I regularly have to go to the doctor to get the resulting blockage flushed out properly/safely, and GUESS WHAT

That's right, it's PARTY TIME

*frowny face*
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
I have HEADACHE and I am DIZZY and my aides are pissing me off (not intentionally, just the usual lack of competence / reliability / time management / brains) and I am CRANKY AS FUCK and even having some nice earl grey tea isn't helping matters and I just want to punch the snot out of the universe for no real reason other than because I am cranky

*gnaws irritably on things*

Oh, cat.

Mar. 17th, 2014 10:10 pm
ysobel: (idiot with a garbage bag)
I have, in my room, a tall narrow box from a tower fan, which stores a small artificial Christmas tree (branches collapsed like an inverse umbrella); the tree is taller than the box by a few inches, and there is a hat perched on top.

Monkey, darling ridiculous fuzzbutt that she is, decided it would be awesome to climb inside.

And then got momentarily stuck, with just her tail sticking up above the tip of the tree.

And then proved that cats can in fact levitate when they need to.

(You know the cartoon effect of toast sproinging out of toaster when done? Like that.)

She doesn't seem hurt, although I'm going to keep an eye out for any issues (going face first into artificial pine tree can't be pleasant); I think it was mainly her pride and dignify that suffered. And I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes. Because, oh, caaat, ilu.
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
1) TNG rewatch. Am up to mid season 4, and I am seriously considering skipping the current episode. It's one that I vaguely recall being displeased with back when I was super obsessed with TNG, and I was ... totally clueless about some of the things involved. Now it's just EW DO NOT WANT.

explanation, with content warnings for skeevy gender-based interactions )

2) TNG rewatch, less specifically but in context of disability representation. TNG is pretty good, as far as things go, about gender balance and race balance -- not perfect by any means, but it is not entirely (straight) white males. There is, for example, a recurring black female transporter chief. With lines, even.

It won't win any awards for being the best at these things -- the command staff is still mostly white male humans -- but it's miles better than, say, Reboot.

But disabilitywise...

There is Geordie, yes. There are things that verge on non-visible disabilities, like Data's lack of emotion or like the time(s) Troi loses her empathic powers or like various forms of PTSD. There is a reference by Picard to an instructor he had at the Academy who used a wheelchair. And ...


nothing else, at least not that I've encountered. And I want more, dammit.

3) SW:TOR. I stopped playing for a while, and desubscribed, so I count as a FTP user. (Well, Preferred, but still.) And I've gone back, but as a free user there are so many *restrictions*. Some of it is fine, like having access to stuff at level 10 rather than level 1, or restricted access to PvP stuff I don't care about.


whine )

There is a part of me that wants to resubscribe to get the game the way I remember it being.

There is a part of me that resents being not-very-subtly maneuvered into it.

And of course I don't know if my interest will *last*.

4) My total lack of interest in GW2. I can't explain it. I should want to play. I just ... don't.

5) The fact that it is too hot. Seriously, 82? In March? The thought of summer scares me.

6) Being almost entirely out of girl scout cookies.
ysobel: (Default)
Concert is over, concluding RWoD.

Am crankyfaced and exhausted and heading to bed

Showing off

Mar. 8th, 2014 06:34 pm
ysobel: (yarn)
My chorus has a concert tomorrow night, which means a TON of rehearsals this week -- including 9:30-4:30 (with lunch break) today -- but we’re not active 100% of the time, because sometimes they’re working on soloist movements, or on a men-only bit, or we have a ten minute break, or something. So I usually bring some sort of crafting thing to work on, something that doesn’t need a pattern and doesn’t take a lot of room and I can just quietly work at when I don’t have to be “on” but is easy to put away as soon as I need to be singing.

This time I brought a practice thing that may or may not eventually become a wristwarmer but that I was using to practice the cabling technique used in Comet and Rotweinknoten and similar. And it’s not done yet -- needs at least half again as many rows -- but I wanted to show it off, just because.

pic + explanation )
ysobel: (Default)
I am tired enough to be practically falling asleep sitting up. Get through the standing portions of going-to-bed ritual, the effort of which sometimes wakes me up; still drowsysleepyzzzz. Get through the rest of the routine, can barely keep my eyes open.

Ten minutes after I get into bed, am awake and restless again, and my brain is going "ooh let's DO SOMETHING."


(and of course I have to be up early tomorrow because rehearsal)
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), holding a cup of tea; text: do happy tea dance / enjoy! (happy tea dance)
I am feeling very low-energy today (gee I wonder why) and trying to convince the Must-Be-PRODUCTIVE-Zomg part of my brain that doing nothing is a valid option.

Well, not *nothing*; I have achieved tea. Go, me!

(have not yet given in to the impulse that eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting is also a valid option, mainly because the GS cookies in our apartment technically belong to my roommate and so I can't eat them without asking her even though she mainly got them for people-who-are-not-her to eat)
ysobel: (Default)
I had a dream this morning--

Uh, content warning for mild auto accidents; if that is bothersome don't read this

--where I was driving on ... I guess "like the less scary parts of coastal Hwy 1" doesn't help most of you. Coastal highway, one lane each way, limited visibility because of left-right wiggliness and also mild hill-like fluctuations, but without scary cliff drop-offs on the side. And I realized suddenly that while I was explicitly the driver, and alone in the car, I was sitting in the front passenger seat instead of the driver seat.  I could lean over to grab the steering wheel, but I couldn't reach the gas or brake. (As is common in dreams, I have significantly more mobility than in RL.)

So I had a choice: try to shift myself over into the drivers seat, which would probably take somewhere between 10 and 30 seconds, during which time I would have to let go of the wheel and not be able to look ahead or correct anything; or steer off road and do friction slowing.  There were cars coming in the opposing lane, a risk to the plan A. There was a gravel turnout, the sort of thing meant for slow traffic to pull aside to let faster vehicles past, coming up. I could do a plan C of steering in the pretense of being in normal control, and hope that I didn't end up slowing to a stop blocking the road, but there was no guarantee of anything beyond what I could see.

I chose plan B.  Steered off the road, into the gravel.  I wasn't slowing quickly enough to be able to stop before the gravel turnout ended, so I made a split second choice to steer into what was basically a guard rail; the front fender crumpled a little, and the car (well, minivan, really) spun around, but stopped. 

...at which point my mom showed up and started snarking about how I should have stopped sooner blah blah all my choices are wrong nyah.


I sort of want to blather about how this whole thing applies to my non-dream life -- control, and feelings of same, and then being judged (by myself as much as by others) for the fact that the best possible decision in the moment was not the most perfect of all possible actions -- but eh.


Mar. 5th, 2014 09:26 pm
ysobel: (idiot with a garbage bag)
Decided I was going to get some crocheting done today. Have yarn; have hook; have bowl for the yarn to live in so it doesn't flop onto the floor and act as a hair magnet. Even managed to start. Sort of.

Initial start to the pattern: chain 51, work 16 rows blo slip stitch, then do complicated pattern stuffs.

Guess how much I got around to doing?

...a whole fourteen chains of the starting chain.



Mar. 4th, 2014 05:51 pm
ysobel: (Default)
It is not a good start to the week when I am exhausted enough to be crying in public.

It was partly aide frustration (including the thing where my afternoon aide has to come/leave early on Tuesdays so my lunch choice is between eating when I'm not hungry yet or skipping lunch entirely, and I did the latter so have low blood sugar on top of everything) and partly despair about physical limitations (not being able to get myself food, not being able to stash dive for yarn or wind my skeins into balls, being only awkwardly and effortfully able to open/close/lock/unlock my front door ... so much frustration omg) and partly just idek.



ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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