[sticky entry] Sticky: Fic master list

Mar. 14th, 2011 01:59 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
Here is a list of fic that I have written since 2005. The list is not guaranteed to be complete, and does not include snippets that were never officially published. Some pre-2005 work is still available; see the end for details.

This list does not include spoiler warnings, content warnings, or any other kind of warnings or tags. (This is not an attempt to be insensitive; rather, I haven't found a warning/tagging method that works for me, or that I have been able to maintain with any reliability.) I give word counts where I know it, and note remixes and crossovers, but that's it.

Fics are sorted by fandom, then date.

My AO3 account (here) overlaps this list; not everything on AO3 is listed here, and not everything here is on AO3. One of these days I will get around to fixing that.

fandoms: Buffy, Firefly, Harry Potter, Heroes, Lord of the Rings, Merlin, Numb3rs, Pirates of the Caribbean, Star Trek AOS, Star Wars TPM, Stargate SG-1, Supernatural, Vagrant Story, White Collar, X-Men (First Class), and misc )

This list is up to date as of March 5, 2012
ysobel: (Default)
If you are bundled up warmly, stomach full of hot food and hot coffee, with a dog at your side who is enjoying the hell out of all the sniffy things he can reach, and you know that you are going home very shortly to a nice warm cheerful apartment where there are more hot drinks available, a bit of cold (well, California cold) drizzle on your face is almost refreshing and definitely not a big deal.

If you are dressed in thin short-sleeved clothes such that you are already cold and shivering, and you are alone, and you have nowhere to go for shelter, a bit of cold drizzle can be not just miserable, but catastrophic beyond your ability to cope.

Physically, today, I experienced the first; it started drizzling but the worst that happened is my glasses got a bit kaleidoscopic from the drops of water.

Metaphorically, lately -- today and yesterday and for the past while and I don't think it's going to be any time soon -- I've been having the latter going on. I'm having problems sleeping, I'm having constant pain of varying types, I can't cope, I'm having problems with my aides, I am spending most of my emotional energy trying (not always successfully) not to hate myself, I keep running into reminders of my limitations, and so any little thing is likely to send me into a tailspin of sobbing miserable woe.

(I feel like inside me, my emotional landscape, is made up of broken jagged shards of glass, some areas fragile like they want to shatter further if anything so much as looks at them, most areas sharp and lethal and full of pointy bits and sharp edges that hunger for blood.)
ysobel: (Default)
I am trying to find good recordings of some of the Hannukah songs I remember from childhood -- in particular Ma’oz Tzur / Rock of Ages, S’vivon, and Mi Y’malel / Who Can Retell -- anyone have any suggestions? I found an album on iTunes that looks plausible but there is no preview feature to make sure it is tolerable, and a lot of what I'm finding on YouTube is very ... childish? ... which makes sense but is also frustrating, since my aesthetic tends more towards purer sounds (e.f. Kings College Cambridge for Xmas carols) than kazoos. Halp?

(I am building a playlist of my favorite winter/holiday songs -- some Christmas, some stuff from Kitka's Wintersongs album, some Hannukah, possibly some New Year -- and while I've tracked down a lot of what I didn't already have, some of the Hannukah stuff is throwing me for a loop.)
ysobel: (wow: purple)
Okay, I ... have not played in a couple of years. (Literally. There is a post from two years ago saying that I started a baby panda because the changes to my mains were too overwhelming.)

I have more or less decided that I am going to level my 85s the normal way and use boost-to-90 for a different char (probably my 62 feral druid). But I am stuck on, of all things, the UI.

I am most used to playing Lich King / Cata era with a bunch of addons -- one to give me a shitton of bars on the screen, one that was a bag organizer, one for profession management, and a bunch for other stuff. And I haven't kept up with stuff so I didn't expect to want to play again.

1) Does one really need addons any more, or is the native UI decent?

2) If addons are good, what ones are best? I am assuming it has changed a lot.

3) HALP HOW DO I TALENT. Well, not how, but I have no clue what to choose. (Enh/Resto Shaman, Fury Warrior, Feral Druid.)

4) Where is the best place to level an 85? How do I get started? Once I get started, how do I continue? How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do I escape? ...sorry, had a bit of Princess Bride slip in there.

5) Pleh?

(Links for things to read are fine, I just don't know where to start and am super overwhelmed and augh)
ysobel: (Default)
My mind is circling itself
like a dog chasing its tail
and biting what it catches

and I know enough to know
that biting myself causes pain

but knowing is not enough

and so metaphorical jaws clamp down
and in hurting I bite harder
against that which attacks me

which is myself, and so
the cycle continues endlessly

and I am trapped inside

Argh

Dec. 9th, 2014 09:03 pm
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
I am really fucking stabbyfaced right now and I don’t like ANYTHING. I don’t like myself, or the writing I’m doing, or my mom, or my aides, or people in general, or the storm that’s coming, or anything

I want to scream and cry and hide and punch stuff and stab everything

(even Yahtzee isn’t helping; he came over and paw-tapped my chair and I just wanted to yell at him that I am a horrible person and he should leave me alone. I didn’t, but I really really wanted to)

I don’t know what to do with this anger

(except turn it inwards but I’m trying not to because that way leads badness)

I just

I can’t even deal
ysobel: (Default)
For them as are sending out cards or yarn or kittens or whatever, I am bad at replying to entries but do love getting mail. So. Address.

If you are on my access list, my address is here: http://ysobel.dreamwidth.org/80301.html

Otherwise, PM me, or email me (ysobelflp at gmail works, but I check it only irregularly)
ysobel: (Default)
So waaaaaay back many moons ago -- definitely before 8/8, since that's when I posted to my guild website; probably closer to the beginning of july, since that's when I dropped off posting here for a while and then made a "still alive" post, but definitely after june 25 -- my arm got crunchy and painful when I tried to use the mouse, so I had to stop gaming. (And then my chair was b0rked for seven weeks, which meant I couldn't really do anything at all.) Which meant stopping SWTOR for a while.

However, my arm seems a tad better. And there is new expansion. So yesterday, on the few hours of downtime between Last Rehearsal (10-1, and morning rehearsals at *all* suck, let alone on the day of concert) and Other Last Rehearsal (different piece, 5:30-6:30) Plus Concert (7), I logged in to SWTOR.

First reaction: AUGH THE CHANGES. (There are changes. It took a bit to figure them out. And my skill bars still need re-reordering.)

Second reaction: Oh hey, I still remember how to heal. Go me.

Third reaction: Augh I do not want to go to rehearsal I want to stay here and plaaaaaay ;_;

(I'm not playing today because the game plan is Movies. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs, Cloudy/Meatballs 2, and Princess Bride. But Monday I can get back in. Still, it's never a good thing to go in to pre-concert stuff wanting very much to be back at home gaming instead.)

#

FWIW, I have also resubbed to WoW, and my sister is getting me Warlords for Christmas. So yay gaming. I haven't done WoW in forever (I did a bit of Panda and then sort of had a combination of burnout plus changes to the game that were overwhelming) but I can probably figure things out.
ysobel: (Default)
Day 4: Favorite comfort food?

Grilled cheese, definitely. Basic (bread, plus a nice proper cheese -- cheddar, cheddar with mozzarella for stringiness, or pepper jack) is comfortiest, but added bacon never goes amiss.

(Other sorts of grilled cheese -- like the "I can hear my arteries whimpering" one my roommate made once that was cream cheese plus at least two other kinds of cheese plus bacon plus buffalo chicken, possibly plus jalapeños, that had to be put in the oven rather than done in a frypan because it was too stuffed to flip -- are definitely yummy but are not the same sort of comfort food.)

Second comfortiest is probably pizza, but it has to have a good crust. (And decent toppings, but those are easier to find.)

Facepalm

Dec. 4th, 2014 12:50 am
ysobel: Daniel, unconscious and hooked up to VR (fic ate my brain)
With the long rehearsal yesterday, and the same tomorrow, I wanted to go to bed early so I could get plenty of sleep.

Knee starts hurting as always. I put painkiller gel on it. It quiets down. I am almost asleep ...

... and my brain decided to start dumping out stuff for my YT pinch hit. The one I hadn't started yet, the one I was stalled on, the one I was considering defaulting on so that someone else could pick it up. And so I wrote on my iPad, knowing that I wouldn't remember it in the morning, and each time I stopped and closed my eyes my brain would go "oh and then this--"

1am and 1500 words later, the story is about 85% written and I am going to be sooooo dead by tomorrow night.

Don't get me wrong, I love having my creativity back, but aaaargh why now
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), possibly just a little bit drunk (TEAPATTY NOT DRUNK)
Playing a crossword app on my phone while waiting for something. It's a thing where there's a grid of words, and 26 blank squares in those words, and in the blanks each letter of the alphabet gets used exactly once.

One of the words I get is SI_H. And -- partly because of research for a YT treat -- the first thing I think of is Sikh. But the k is used elsewhere (only possibility for _NEE) so it can't be that.

It ends up being SIGH. Which I, mentally pronouncing as literally sig-huh, have to look up a definition for.

........

...yeah
ysobel: A kitten on a piano keyboard (music)
Still taking prompts if anyone feels like suggesting topics

Day 3: Music, & feelings about singing?

This is the not-chorus part of my answer. Because that's for another day. (Also because this is Rehearsal Hell Week and so my answer would be "fuck chorus", which is not actually how I feel most of the time.)

1) Music. Music is vital. Music is -- or at least can be -- transcendent. Music is life.

The man that hath no music in himself,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds,
Is fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils;
The motions of his spirit are dull as night
And his affections dark as Erebus:
Let no such man be trusted.
-- Shakespeare, Merchant of Venice, act V


Ahem. I should really do music babble on a day when I am NOT braindead from Rehearsal Hell Week.

I have never known a time in my life without music -- from "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and other children's songs, to my parents playing [blanking on term here, sort of folk fiddle dance tune things? hornpipes and such?], one on flute and one on guitar with us kids joining in on violin as we got good enough, to participating in choirs and orchestras and ensembles and such, to my parents taking us to classical music concerts. (In fact they would, apparently, go to such concerts when I was a baby, and I would just fall asleep to the music.)

I can't create -- at least not in the sense of composing -- but that is one of the things about music, in that you can create music without taking it out of thin air. And there are moments in certain pieces that just give me *chills* all over, because the music is just so fucking *right*, and because it resonates with something in my soul.

I am also lucky that I have had music lessons: violin and piano, mostly, and so I can read music (but treble clef better than any other; bass clef, or variants like alto clef, I still have to "translate), and I also have a decent ear for how things are supposed to sound.

2) Singing. Is something I have always done, but I have grown increasingly self-conscious of my own voice as a solo instrument. I mean, I got a bit self conscious about it even in junior high, mainly because of the quaver it got when I was nervous, but.

There are two things. One is that I have no vibrato. Absolutely none at all. And while this is good in some contexts (imitating a boy soprano, and some group choral situations), and certainly better than having a wild vibrato that one cannot control, it makes my voice sound ... raw and unpolished, and kind of sharp. Vibrato, good vibrato at least, smooths the corners and edges to make a more pleasing sound.

I was always told, at least through junior high and some of high school, that vibrato was just something that came as you got older. (Like a sex drive, though they didn't generally mention that.) And so I waited and waited for it to happen, and it never did. (Though I doubt it has anything to do with asexuality.)

Some of it might be that I don't have great lung capacity -- for people with FOP, the rib cage tends to get locked up, which is part of what makes pneumonia so deadly. I probably have better than average-for-FOP *because* of my singing, because it was something I was doing even before the disease kicked majorly into action, and because singing tends to provide good breath control and good practice using the diaphragm muscles and such. But I can't hold notes very long, and sometimes I wonder if vibrato just needs more airflow to kickstart. Or maybe my posture isn't great because I am sort of slouchy. Or maybe I'm just broken and don't have vibrato.

The other thing that bugs me about my own voice is that I don't have good control over beginnings and endings. Especially endings (often I just run out of air and the sound goes splat).

Or consonants. Because consonants take up more air (seriously, a good beginning K will use up most of my reserve of air) and because I haven't figured out how to do loud consonants but quieter vowels.

Or ... well, let's just say that I don't make a good soloist. And that singing alone in front of anybody, especially authority figures and/or someone I respect, is kind of awkward. And I also think I sound better than I actually do.

On the bright side, I have damn good pitch. Not perfect pitch, and if the whole ensemble is flat I can't always tell, but I have good relative pitch, and am really quite good at "we play two notes, you match them" type entrance "tests" for choral ensembles.

But singing is also one of the things keeping me halfway sane right now. Because it is the only sort of "instrument" I can "play"; the only sort of music I can produce. Violin is gone, piano is gone (I can plunk out individual notes for e.g. figuring out a part in chorus piece, but actual playing takes mobility), the harp I taught mysefl is gone, even iPad apps either require more mobility than I have (e.g. a virtual harp where you need to use one hand to select or change the chord while the other "strums") or are too limited to be of much use (e.g. the piano app I have, and use for chorus, which only effectively shows an octave at a time, and you can side-swipe for other octaves but that's still rather awkward).

Those are all gone, but my voice is not. And I can't make pretty music on my own, but I can in an ensemble. And I am damn well singing to my niecelet if I can get over the self-consciousness to do so, because I want her to grow up with music too. (Not that she won't, because my sister is as musical as I am -- her current instrument is the ukelele, but she's also done lute and guitar and violin -- but I can add to that.)
ysobel: (Default)
There are still days open! Go suggest topics for me :D. Else I shall be forced to, idk, write more poetry, or picspam baby niece, or something. ...wait, those aren't really punishments.

Favourite books, what are they about and why do you like them. :)

Five favorites, in no particular order:

* Barbara Hambly's Windrose chronicles (in particular the first two, Silent Tower and Silicon Mage). Brief summary: a slightly gawky/awkward computer programmer gets kidnapped to another world where an evil wizard is trying to take over, and she end up allying with a rather adorable not-quite-sane wizard to try to, well, survive. Antryg (the not quite sane wizard) has rather Holmesian deductive abilities, which tends to get him in trouble. The first book makes my heart ache in places because I know things that the characters don't, and they make perfectly reasonable assumptions given what they know, but I love the characters, and the world, and Antryg manages to hit some sort of narrative kink I have that I can't quite put info words.

* Watership Down. Because rabbits, and also because of the lapine mythology and the storytelling. I have a fondness for mythologies that involve trickster gods, of which El-ahrairah definitely counts. It also makes a good audiobook to listen to while going to sleep.

* Midnight Riot / Rivers of London. Smart-ass geeky fannish police officer in London discovers magic exists. I like it for the worldbuilding, for Peter's irreverence and the fact that the shortcuts he takes or invents sometimes help but sometimes make things worse, for the fact that it is totally not whitewashed.

* Good Omens. Because Terry Pratchett (and Neil Gaiman, though I am less enamored of him than I used to be) writing about the apocalypse that didn't happen? Is just plain awesome. And hilarious. And then there's Aziraphale and Crowley being awesome in the way that only angel+demon BFFs can be.

* Spock's World. Because Spock. And Vulcans. (This, along with Pandora Principle aka my favorite Saavik book, were frequent rereads in high school.)
ysobel: A kitten staring at its reflection; text: through the looking glass (through the looking glass)
(Butterfly cinquain: A nine-line syllabic verse of the pattern 2 / 4 / 6 / 8 / 2 / 8 / 6 / 4 / 2)

there is
a great darkness
yawning within my soul
no one can see the void is there
but
it dwells deep within and swallows
all energy and joy
it consumes me
always

Well.

Nov. 29th, 2014 07:31 pm
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics) with a ! over its head (!!)
I have nfi how big this is ugh whatever. too tired to care )

/falls the fuck over/

Woo?

(And yes, I know I had tomorrow too, but I was SO CLOSE so I just sort of pushed a bit more.)

Dear brain: I don't give a fuck that I cheated. Cheating is normal (see also uncontractions). And I wrote every damn word in that file. Even if it was just whining about my life.

...for some reason all I want to do right now is cry. Also sleep for twelve hours (I had pain issues that kept me up until 3 again last night and I am exhausted as fuck).

Words

Nov. 27th, 2014 01:07 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
The December talky meme still has plenty of dates open, if anyone wants to suggest stuff. (Date is optional, but I want topics pretty please)

NaNo: up to 45k. I don't quite know how. (It helps that some of what I'm doing is the autobiographical blog thing -- 20k words of that, and I'm not even through high school yet -- where the "plot" is fixed and the events have happened and it makes wording easier.) I am steadfastly *thhhhbbbbbppppttt*ing at the voices in my head telling me that some of what I'm doing (e.g. the days where the words I write are whines about my life, or the fact that I'm spreading the words out over multiple projects rather than a single novel) is Totally Cheating And Therefore Doesn't Count, because fuck that noise.

Not my words: Cognitive Trope Therapy. "the way it works is that when you have a [negative/depressive] thought ... then you figure out whether, if your life were a fantasy novel, these words would be spoken by figures wearing black robes, and speaking in a dry, whispering voice, and they are actually withered beings who touched the Stone of Evil ... and if so then you don’t listen" Only there's more. Go read. It's useful and awesome.

Yuletide stuff: My assignment has a finished draft ... and it is *long*, for me. Not like 50k long, but like "third longest fic I have on AO3" long. Also "longest fic I have written for Yuletide" long. I am a little boggled. Also, I have finished four (!) treats, and have started two others, as well as the pinch hit I snagged. Boggle.
ysobel: (Default)
Someone tell me it's okay
to be falling asleep at 8
when I used to be able to stay up
hours

Someone tell me it's okay
to miss a daily habit
when I did 455 days
straight

Someone tell me it's okay
to take an extra pain pill
instead of worrying about
addiction

Someone tell me it's okay
to grieve over what I have lost
instead of forcing myself into
gratitude

Someone tell me it's okay
to be the me that I am now
even if it's not what I feel I
"should"
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
So I had been super proud of myself for maintaining my duo streak even with nano

(455 days)

(Which ran from the beginning of when I started duo, with four skips that were covers by the streak protection thing you can "buy" to cover a single day of inactivity)

Went to bed last night and totally crashed. Couldn't keep my eyes open at all -- and this was at like 9pm, when I usually get to sleep more like 11 -- so I listened to an audiobook until I stopped tracking it, and then slept.

Woke up just now (1am) and realized that I hadn't done duo. Went ack, and went in to do an easy lesson -- I am a boy, the man eats an apple -- because the usual thing would take too much braining (plus I can't see the left half of the keyboard because blanket, and touch typing is less possible on a touchscreen keyboard, so I'm typoing like hell) and I figured doing it now would make sure the streak protection kicked in.

Except I apparently hadn't done it the day before either.

So I am now on a one day streak.

On the one hand, I knew I couldn't keep it up forever. And 455 is something to be damn proud of. And I know I should be seeing the long success instead of the two days of failure: know I should be saying "well I just have to go longer the next time."

On the other, some of what was keeping me doing it daily was the streak itself, and I don't have that, and I don't think I can do it again. Fifteen months is a long time. And every time I see the streak length now, it'll just be a reminder of how I fucked up. Again. Because it feels like I always do.

(ETA and the mom voice in my head is saying that the thing I picked out as my reward for surviving November (and doing so well at nano, but I promised myself something for just getting through the month regardless of what happened with the writing) is now forfeit because of this. That something to reward good behavior does not go to people who mess up this badly. I am fighting that voice but it is … hard. Because my brain is apparently a minefield.)
ysobel: (Default)
I like the momentum I've gotten with NaNo -- not all fiction (it's about half "memory dump blog of my childhood/past", a quarter fics for Yuletide, and a quarter misc other stuff including some of the longer journal entries here), more about getting words out at all than about getting a narrative -- so I figured I'd do the December Talking Meme bandwagon.

Pick a date (or not) and give me a topic, and I'll talk then about that. Not sure how much I have to say, because it will depend on the prompt and how I'm feeling and what phase the moon is in, but I'll say something. Can be anything, fannish or not, personal or not, though I reserve the right to decline prompts I'm not up to handling.

Days (11 taken) )

Crafting

Nov. 21st, 2014 01:06 pm
ysobel: (yarn)
I have not made progress on any sort of yarncraft in November. This is mostly understandable: the puzzle ball is stalled in What If I Get It Wrong mode, the baby sweater hasn't been started, and NaNoWriMo means I am spending most of my "free" time writing, not yarning. Plus, there is a sort of inertia issue where setting up the crafting stuff takes a lot of effort, so for one thing I tend to be disinclined to do crocheting when I have a short amount of time so would spend 75% of the time setting up and 20% putting away and only 5% actually crocheting, and for another thing I am lazy and it is easier to refresh ravelry than get out crocheting supplies.

But even though my body is all inertia-y and lazy, my brain is in MAKE ALL THE THINGS mode.

list o stuffs, all rav links )

I think that some of the make-all-the-things impulse is, like, the same thing that is me wanting to do cross-stitch. It's unreleased creativity that my body can't really do any more (or at least do easily) that I want to be able to do in the way that I did before. I want to do cross-stitch; I want to knit normally, using whatever size yarn and whatever size needles; I don't care about crocheting normally because I never did that and my current method works, but I want to be able to crochet objects larger than a dishcloth without having the fabric get in my way or having problems flipping at the ends of rows; I want to be able to use a yarn needle again, for weaving in ends and for sewing things.

I want to, and I can't, and my brain hasn't willingly caught up to my body's limitations.
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
As of today
Words Written Today: 3,789 (!), mostly blog
Total Words Written: 28,987

WPD to hit 50k by the end of the month: 1911

Words on Project A, aka autobiographical blog: 13,712
Words on Project B, aka Yuletide: 7,874 (includes three completed stories, most of a 4th that is at 3619 words, and parts of three others)

Words of fiction written in all of 2012 to present (excluding this): 8970, over 9 stories

You guys. I have written almost as much pure fiction in the last 19 days as in the previous 3 years combined. And one of the stories I have done for Project B is literally the longest I have ever written for Yuletide (second longest being 2959 words in 2005) and the longest thing of fiction I have written since Jul 2011.

Project C, which makes up the other 7kish of the wordcount, is a little cheatingier since it's not True Writing -- Project A is my own memories but in narrative form, Project B is definitely fic, but C is a catchall category, mostly used for days when I've made insufficient progress (or none at all) on the other two, and it's still Things What I Have Written. (And not even just lyrics to les mis typed out over and over again, which I have considered sometimes.)

It's not a novel. But considering that I've basically been in a writing drought for several years, this is pretty damn impressive output.

I am not displeased.

(Except for the perfectionist part of me that will only be satisfied if I hit 50k, and is grumbling about how it's not actually a novel and so doesn't really count. But that part of me can stfu.)

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ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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