Jan. 17th, 2016

ysobel: (Default)
The edges of my face are
tender, like the crispy
tightness of sunburn. It is
the wrong time of year
to be sunburnt -- winter is not
typical sunburn season -- and
the skin is pale, not red,
touched by water and fingers and
towel as it dried my hair.
Touching the pillow (same case as
there was yesterday) is like
the gentle rasp of sandpaper
to my skin.

It does not tell me why.

Somewhere on the back of my
scalp, left of center, is an oddly
sore spot, that did not appreciate
shampoo or the press of fingers
scrubbing. I do not recall anything
smacking me in the head, but it is
swollen just a little, bruised like a
super-ripened peach. I usually enjoy a
scratchy sort of massage with my hair wash,
soap almost secondary to the rub, but the
sore spots does not let me enjoy any
sensory pleasures.

It does not tell me why.

There are other complaints,
signals coming in from other
territories eager to claim their
share of complaints. Muscles are
tense and will not stay relaxed;
skin itches, dry or oily or both;
tightness around my nose means
something not good, but it has not
told me what is coming; right now my
sinuses are clear but carry a constant
threat of pressure, like a thunderstorm
stirring ominously on the horizon;
this moment my knees are content but any
shift threatens to bring pain; etc.

There may be an end to this litany of
sorrows, but it is far off, as far as
the possibility of a brain that does not
succumb to brainweasels, to the
twin agonies of anxiety and depression that I
seesaw between (and if I lose my balance
the fall is long and terrifying), to
shame that erodes and doubt that weighs down,
to all the things I am carefully not listing
so that I do not obsess over them, but
that does not mean they are not there,
skulking, waiting to devour.

They do not tell me why.

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ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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