ysobel: (Default)
depression very high right now. smothered in a blanket of lead and ice.

sorry i haven't kept up with reading / commenting -- i love you guys, i just am sucky friend right now.

...sorry.

otoh, I managed to actually write -- not much, just a snippet, because Arrival is burrowing into my brain -- spoilers for The Arrival ) -- which i'm pretty sure is the most writing i've done all year. woo?
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
I am also fucking pissed off at my cpap right now. Not the cpap itself, but the harness that holds it in place. Because -- okay, context of my sleep setup. I have a sling set up underneath me in bed that can be strapped to the lift so I can shift position some during the night. Bottom of the sling is at the crease of my knees; top of the sling comes to the top of my head. This is the ideal positioning. If I hook up just the bottom half, I can raise up to take pressure off my butt and feet and knees. If I hook up the top half as well, I raise up into more of a vertical angle, and it also does some nice curving thing to my spine so that when I lower back down my spine crackles and feels better.

But the cpap has headgear that's a series of straps to hold the nose piece actually in my nose. And the straps get pressed into my scalp by the sling. And sometimes, I swear to bob, the strap is made of a jagged lump of rock, because that's what it felt like tonight.

I think the sling is actually a smidge higher than usual -- it isn't always a problem, at least not this bad of one. And the sling is up at the top of my head, rather than in the middle of my head. I think most of the time we manage to get the sling positioned so that it's not low enough to hurt (with the edge cutting into the back of my neck) and not high enough to hurt (interfering with the cpap strap). But not tonight, of ducking course not tonight.

Solution one, repositioning the sling, would basically require getting me out of bed and then back in. Way too much fuss.

Solution two, unhooking the top straps, would normally be an option, but tonight I'm paranoid about nausea. (I sleep on my back. I literally cannot roll over or turn my head. Vomiting is bad. I have done it once successfully but there is high risk of aspiration. Calling my roommate in to get me up takes time that I might not have. With the top half of the sling hooked up. I can get myself to a 45 ish angle, which is so much better than flat on my back.) Probably nothing will happen -- I don't have a viral thing, and I think the problem earlier today was that my stomach was just too empty. But paranoid. So no go.

Solution three, moving the cpap strap a bit, might work. But it might not. And if it didn't, I'd end up in agony at 2am but not wanting to wake up my roommate because I'm weird.

Solution four is sleeping without the cpap.

I went with that for tonight but I just want to start bawling (again). It feels somehow like giving up, and I sleep way better with the cpap, and crappy sleep is not something I need right now. But it's what I get.

...huh

Dec. 13th, 2015 06:04 pm
ysobel: (spirituality)
It's kind of weird / disturbing / perplexing just how hollow and unemotional I'm feeling about Advent and Christmas this year, at least religiously. It's sort of the same disillusionment I've been having with Easter the past few years: the message is "the world is depressing and full of sin but ~yay Jesus~" and the first part is still true but I'm so not feeling the second half. There's only so many times that you can be told (twice a year, even) that Hope Is Coming and have nothing happen but the same dreary everyday reality, before you stop believing.

I think it says something that lighting Hanukkah candles this last week was more fulfilling than the advent concert my church did.
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
excuse me while I capslock for a moment:

FUCK THE WORLD AND FUCK MY LIFE I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF HAVING TO FUCKING RELY ON FUCKING INCOMPETENT PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ABLE TO MANAGE THEIR OWN FUCKING LIVES LET ALONE ANYTHING ELSE FUCK FUCK FUCK

::breathes::

I am *so goddamn fucking sick* of my aide M who seems to always be in personal crisis. I keep her employed because she's desperate enough and available/willing enough to fill cracks when no one else is, but a good 50% of the time I want to STAB HER IN THE FACE WITH A RUSTY SPORK

::breathes::

...okay so. M's phone is off right now, because nonpayment, which is quite a frequent occurrence, but I can communicate through her roommate's phone. So I ping to have her come over.

A fucking hour later, I send a followup text asking if she'd left yet. To which I get a text saying that K (other aide) will cover, but she needs 30 min.

Now, there was a previous incident where M said K would cover and it turned out K had no idea and so my roommate had to cover. Turned out that M had accidentally texted K's *husband* instead of K, and he thought she was asking about something else, so he said yes and then probably wondered why she never got back to him, and K didn't realize, and it was a whole big clusterfuck.

So I text K to see if she's aware of covering, so that if not I could just have my roommate cover and yell at M later. After which I find out two things.

One, that M was supposed to have let K know *this morning* if she needed her to cover, and that hadn't happened, so K had other commitments, though she could come in 45 minutes.

Two, that my roommate was dead-to-the-world asleep. Which is fair given that she worked for almost 12 hours today starting at 4am, but it means she can't cover.

If I don't wuss out of it (I am very confrontation-averse) I am going to give M a lecture sometime -- probably saturday, her next scheduled shift -- on how she needs to STOP HAVING FUCKING LAST-MINUTE CRISES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. I mean, I know the nature of last-minute crises is that they're last minute, but it's not fucking fair, either to me or to my other aides, for her to keep pulling "ack I am having Emergency I can't make it" at the literal last fucking second.

I am FURIOUS and I have no one (except myself) to take it out on (and I am impressed that it hasn't turned inward yet) because the aide that's coming is doing both me and M a favor and it's not K's fault I will have been waiting TWO FUCKING HOURS OR MORE TO PEE AND GO TO BED

::rage::

(actually I think I'm only able to maintain the rage because the alternative is sobbing despair)
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
So I'm kind of in a bad headspace right now (in case the poem didn't give that away). Depression is hitting harder than normal, and normal for me is pretty hard anyway, so I'm ... very not okay.

One of the things it's being most vocal about is that I need to isolate. That people don't want to me around me especially when I'm on a depressive jag, that I don't deserve to be around people, that no one would notice or be bothered if I just disappeared, that I should go away and stop imposing on people who don't like me. And intellectually I know that depression is a lying liar that lies like a lying thing, but brainweasels are very good about making their lies feel real.

I can't trust my own brain right now, so I need to borrow y'all's for a while. If you like me (not in the sense of *like* like, just, idk, think I'm nifty) and are so inclined, please tell me? This is not an obligation, and I promise that I won't judge if you don't say anything -- it's not that I need you to prove our friendship (or whatever), it's thar my brain says I am a hate-worthy despicable person and right now I need points of view that are *not* that.
ysobel: Mal (Firefly) with a gun; text: really not in the mood (not in the mood)
Whyyy do I let myself go shopping with my mom augh

I mean, okay, I know why. It's because I can't go alone (even places that I can get to alone, I can't reach anything at all, even shelves at my height or the stack of baskets or whatever), and I don't always have PAs on duty, and so going with my mom is the only way to get stuff

but

I am feeling ranty )

I kind of want to scream, or punch things, or something

and then walking back my thoughts devolved into pseudo-poetry about limitations )
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
it's more a mental and emotional deficit than a physical one, but spoonlessness is spoonlessness. I am so far out of cope that I can't even articulate how much out of cope I am.

I kind of wish I could just play GW2 all day and not have to worry about ... anything else, like organizing shit or wrangling aides or eating or going to the bathroom or any of those things.

Argh.

Send hugs?
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
i have an annoying habit of trying to logic out my emotions

it doesn't really work

how do brains work idgi )
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
I kind of had one of those nights where ... I have no idea how much sleep I got, but it wasn't very much. I know I was still awake (and so hot I was sweaty all over) at 2:30. Dropped off at some point, woke up at 4:30 because I was cold from the anti-hot measures (fan pointed at me + sheet off), woke up at 5:30 for no apparent reason, woke up at 6:20 because Yahtzee was doing his morning thing, woke up at 7:30 for no good reason, woke up at 8:30 because Yahtzee was restlessing at one of my roommates who was in the bathroom, got up at 9:30 because that was my scheduled time.

And partly because of that, I am in so much of a spoon deficit that I keep wanting to a) burst into tears, and b) apologise for ~ALL THE THINGS~.

Like being depressed, and whining about being depressed, and being disabled, and whining about being disabled, and not being able to take care of myself, and not being able to take care of other people, and not writing more, and thinking anyone would care about reading what I write, and--

--and yes, some of those are not under my control, and some of those are directly contradictory to others, and I probably would apologise for the state of the economy and for the lack of world peace and for not having found a cure to cancer. And definitely apologising for all the apologisings omg.

Gahhh.
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
I want to post about stuff that's actually interesting to other people (and to me), but I can never quite come up with anything.

#

mouse continues to be problematic (sometimes the pointer drifts when the mouse is not moving, sometimes the pointer sticks when the mouse *is* moving), have not quite figured out why. might be that the mouse pad needs cleaning, but to get to it I sort of need to unearth my desk, and every time I think about tackling all the shit on my desk I start panicking and wanting to hide.

#

writing continues to not happen. it makes me a sad panda. but -- /flail/ I don't even know. I have lots of Thinks about this issue but if I try to verbalize them it comes out all jumbled and not the sort of thing that makes sense.

#

must remember to breathe. breathing is good. generally.
ysobel: A kitten in a too-big santa hat (christmas)
So you know that thing where you're sick, and you can't do anything because you feel like crap, and then you get better, and you go YAY I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS, and then you collapse because you are not as better as you thought you were?

Yeah.

(More spoons than actual physical issues, for me, but I am just kind of drop-dead exhausted and want to cry for no particular reason.)

#

Yuletide! The Yulegoat has come and left PRESENTS! \o/

I have FOUR fics written for me omg!

In the order they appear on my ao3 gift page:

The Mountain and the Wind, Mulan, 1k, slashy gen. Awesomely plausible and heartbreaking.

To Fool the Wheel of Time, Tangled, 4k, gen. Mother Gothel and what drives her.

Precedent, Tangled/Valdemar, 1k, gen. Companion!Max DO I NEED TO SAY MORE I THINK NOT and it works amazingly with both canon sources.

What Dark Time Has Come, Vagrant Story, 1300 words, slashy. Gorgeous post-canon Sydney/Ashley that is so totally perfect.

Seriously, I could not be happier AT ALL. *twirls stories happily*

#

I think I am going to go fall over now kthxbye.

(p.s. so I may have gotten SW:TOR for xmas :D :D any of y'all play? if so, what realm(s)?)
ysobel: A vibrating bunny, from bunny comics (bwuh?)
The rational part of my brain can point to a good half of the reasons I had a full not-quite-sobbing meltdown today: chair stress. physical stress. potential-kitty stress (and I asked my dad to make sure it was okay - not so much in a "asking parents for permission" way as a "asking my financial backup if it would be okay since I don't, after all, have a job - and haven't heard anything). potential-not-kitty stress. Choir stress†. PA stress. Half-my-PAs-are-dumber-than-bricks stress. Paying-for-aide stress, since the state cut my allowed hours by a LOT, using the roommates as excuse, even though having roommates doesn't really change MY needs when it comes to PAs, so my dad has to privately pay for like half the hours. Out-of-spoons stress.

Being able to pinpoint the causes does not, as it turns out, make it any easier to keep from going into blubbery snivelling meltdown. It in fact makes it harder, as it adds a layer of "I should not be overreacting this much dammit brain" stress.

#

† So, okay. I am in the university choir (there are some community folks scattered throughout, so I'm not the only non-student). We work on concert material for a quarter, with rehearsals twice a week for nine-or-so weeks, and then perform at the end of the quarter.

The first rehearsal was Jan 4. Observant folks will note that this is two days after my chair broke. Observant folks with a calendar nearby will note that I have missed ten rehearsals so far, with high likelihood of not being able to get to rehearsals eleven (tomorrow) and twelve (Thursday). Observant folks with knowledge of when the concert is (March 6th) will note that there are only six rehearsals beyond that. Observant folks with access to the syllabus/rehearsal schedule will note that there are actually seven, because of a most-of-the-day-saturday rehearsal, but will also note where it says that insufficient attendance may preclude participation in concerts.

Now, I've been keeping the conductor informed about the situation. He knows I'm not just ditching for the hell of it; he knows that it's a chair situation; he also has had me singing with him long enough to probably know that I pick things up damn quickly.

But all that does not negate the fact that I have missed over half of the rehearsals so far, and that the choir has learned the piece and is working on polishing it, and I -- despite working on it some on my own -- don't know it.

It also does not negate the fact that because of the volume of orchestra and chorus that is involved in this piece, the chorus is going to be on very high (like 20-ft) risers, and there may not be a safe way to get me up to even the level of the childrens' choirs (which are below the adult choirs), and singing from the stage level would put me waaaay far away from the other singers and also probably a bad line of sight to the conductor and I am utterly sick of doing that because I feel stupid enough not being able to stand in formation with the other singers (they are always on risers, albeit not usually starting 20 feet in the air, and I am next to the riser, and I hates it but there isn't another option and it's the best choir situation I've been in.

The director has not said I can't sing. But he has suggested that all things considered, maybe this would be a good quarter to step out, and just come back next quarter for fresh material.

And the thing is ... he's right. I've missed too much to be cohesive with the group, and the stage logistics would make *me* feel awkward and out of place and isolated. And concert weekend is going to be really fucking exhausting (rehearsal 9:30-12, break for lunch, full dress rehearsal starting 1:45, informative lecture/Q&A at 5, all on saturday; sunday, full dress rehearsal at 3:30 and then the concert) and I don't know that I want to do that. I don't know that I have spoons for it. And I don't really like the piece all that much.

Everything, every part of me -- the sensible logical part, the obey authority part, the spoons monitoring part -- says that I should just take a pass for this quarter.

Except the thought makes me want to cry.

Even though I don't like the piece at all wtf.

#

ETA arghhhhh my PA is being kind of manic and very add and I can. not. fucking. deal. and thank fuck for roommates that can run interference because um yeah. can I plz hide under something and never come out.
ysobel: Jack Davenport is not happy.  text: fuck off (fuck off)
this is the text of an email I just sent to my dad.



so in addition to everything ELSE that's going wrong with the chair?

half the freaking seatbelt just fell off.

(not entirely sure what the problem is. from what [my PA] was saying it sounds like there is a screw that screws through the base of the seatbelt anchor and locks into a thingie in the chair, and the thingie in the chair has vanished mysteriously, so it has nothing to screw to so it doesn't stay attached.)

...in some respects this is more of an inconvenience (and a "where the hell am I going to anchor my phome" issue) than a safety thing because of the NOT GOING ANYWERE thing, which I am VASTLY sick of; but it is something that should be fixed and I don't know how to fix it and I am kind of flaily and it doesn't help that I didn't get to sleep until somewhere around 5 last night and did I mention there's a minor FOP flareup going on in my right thigh/butt?

...and did I mention that I sort of managed to make a hole (well, dent) in the bathroom wall with my knee?

(...and did I mention I am running out of ways to cope arghflail)
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), head cut open, completely hollow (no brain today)
am kind of out of spoons. also emotionally wibbly.

if you are reading my journal out of choice (rather than just because you subscribed for some reason and haven't bothered to take me off), and if you feel like it, tell me why? or say something nice about me, or something? anonly is fine.

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masquerading as a man with a reason

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