Oct. 22nd, 2017 12:25 am
ysobel: (Default)
I have a strange desire to do

A) a micro version of MaNoWriMo

(like, not even the 30k mini version, but, like. Average of 100 words/day as a primary goal -- yes, that's only 3000 in the month, and I used to be able to do that in a day, but that's more fiction than I've written all year -- with 10k as a secondary goal (333) and 30k as a tertiary (1k/day). Or maybe 10k as the primary goal? I don't know.)

B) that is a remix of Disney beauty and the beast

(not with lyrics and shit, and I could just do a regular batb retelling, but I kind of want to take the Disney specific stuff, gaston and the west wing and the specific castle staff, and play with it and make it better. A few elements of the live version but mostly based on the animated one.)

(which is for one thing ridiculous because Disney version, and for another thing cheating for nano because pre-existing story, and for a third feels lazy and cop-out-ish and why would anyone read a 10k-word retelling of a fucking Disney movie, and all the rest of the bullshit that my inner critic likes to dump in my head whenever I want to do something)

I definitely don't want to nano the disabled-beauty/autistic?-beast story-of-my-heart, because it's too important for Nani treat,net, and I need something that means less. But.

Stupid idea? Good idea? Shut up and go back to crocheting?
ysobel: (Default)
One of my dreams last night evoked a feeling that I have been trying all day to remember, with very little success.

I don't remember the imagery from the dream -- something about coming home after a war, something about the I-character being a prince -- but it's not the imagery I care about. It's the emotion. I can't remember. It was partly like -- oh, I don't know, like a newly crowned (and mostly still school aged) King Peter coming howm to Narnia after his first battle as king; it had elements of Harry returning to Hogwaets after winning some external tournament for Gryffindor (why Gryff in particular and not Hogwarta as a whole I don't know, and the not that sticks out was people back at the castle waiting, like in a Greek myth, to see which color sails adorn the ship, so someone could run back with news of the winner, which makes no sense in a world with magic, but again the visuals don't matter.

And I can't quite remember the emotion.

I think -- in the way you can sometimes remember the shape of a word without remembering the word itself -- it had the shape of a sort of nostalgia, like coming back as an adult to places you frequented as a kid (and things are so much more small and ordinary when you see them with adult eyes). But also a bit of ... deliberate loss? Of having gone to do the thing knowing you'd be changed by it and knowing that you'd never get innocence back, watching kids be kids and being unable to join in because you know too much. And some element of disconnect, like you've been off fighting a battle in Faerie and return triumphant to find that a hundred years have passed overnight and they're really quite happy that you won but you don't know them because they're the great-grandchildren of your baby brother or whatever, and you can't get the missing years back.

Those are the pieces I can remember, but ... echoes, not the source. It's more than that and *I don't remember*. And the more I try, the less I grasp.


Oct. 11th, 2017 06:19 pm
ysobel: (Default)
Beauty and the Beast (animated) is one of my favorite Disney movies, and one of my comfort rewatches. So I have been ... skeptical ... about the live action version. Sma potential for awesome, huge potential for messing shit up.

It's on Netflix. So I decided to bite the proverbial bullet and watch.

I got as far as the first song before I switched to something else.

time watched: 11 min )

I am going to watch more of this, but there is only so much I can take at a time.

Meanwhile I will go back to thinking about my not-pretty Beauty and her possibly-autistic Beast...
ysobel: (Default)
I had a lot of trouble keeping my mind on the whole getting-up thing this morning, because it was obsessed with tribbles.

Now, they are born pregnant, which means when tribble A gives birth to B, B is already pregnant with C. Does this mean C is in B while B is in A? How deep does tribble-ception go?

Or does the process of birth trigger becoming pregnant? In which case, are tribbles child of one parent (B → C) or two (A, while giving birth to B, also impregnates B, so A + B → C), and if the latter, how does that affect genetic inheritance?

For that matter, how do tribbles even gene?

(I'm sure somewhere there is an article researching this)
ysobel: (Default)
1. Hillary Clinton is coming here to speak, as part of her book tour. I have a ticket, which also apparently means a copy of her book, *and* since my dad is a Very Big Donor, I get to meet her. Pay, I'm not as excited about this as I was about George Takei, but still. (N.B. I am also feeling ridiculously defensive about this, so please no HRC-bashing in comments. I probably don't need to say that but I'd rather preempt any drama)

2. Getting close to done with the bunny I'm making for the now-12-year-old kid with fop who's still in the hospital. I have an ear I'm satisfied with, so just have to make a second ear and then attach them. And then do the trach, if I can figure that out. "

3. Getting my first delta. Er, okay, that requires explanation. There's a subreddit called cmv -- change my view -- where people post their opinion on something to get other people to chsnge their mind. (Basically, "I believe X, and it's an unpopular opinion and I'd like to believe something else, so persuade me otherwise".) If you feel a comment has changed your view, whether or not you're the op in the thread, you can award a delta, kind of like a kudos; this is separate from the upvoting/downvoting that all Reddit uses. I've posted a few things ere or there as responses, but mostly they've been un-responded to, much less in-delayed, until tonight. Which is trivial and yet super exciting.

4. The realization that I can order another tube hydration system thing (like what I use at night) for choir rehearsals. Hydrating during choir is awkward because I need both hands for the iPad, which means my drink has to go in my hip pack drink holder thingie, but the ridiculously straws I have aren't long enough to reach without me holding the bottom of the cup; and it's really hard for me to get the cup out when there's an iPad in the way. But this tubing system is stiff enough that I can get it to my mouth -- I'd gotten it for bed because the water bottle hangs above me and the tubing hangs down from it and I just need to move it laterally to get it to my mouth, but this particular system is nicely sturdy enough that I can hold it pointing up without it immediately flipping -- and then I wouldn't have to get the *bottle* out, just wave the tubing in my face, and otherwise have it in my lap within easy reach.

5. The fact that Phantom Tollbooth is available in kindle format. 😍 It's been ages since I read it and it's just as charming and wacky as I remember. (And it has a great first sentence: "There was once a boy named Milo who didn’t know what to do with himself—not just sometimes, but always.")
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
I have for whatever reason been on a horror movie kick lately. Because sometimes it's fun watching people be horribly surprised when a ghost summoning in a haunted mansion goes horribly wrong or whatever. Especially when they do stupid stuff along the way.

One movie had a somewhat satisfying ending (bad guy gets trapped in a room rull of angry ghosts of people that were killed as a result of his douchenaggery!) in a way that was completely antithetical to the setup (spooky ghosts that were scaring the protagonist and family, are ... suddenly friendly to her wtf).

But the one I just finished watching makes me want to *kick things*. And I don't know what's worse, the fact that it was written this way or the fact that I saw it coming.

CW: anti-autism wtfery. Also spoilers for unnamed movie.

Read more... )

That beauty and the beast project I'm playing with? I keep being tempted to make the Beast autistic, and the enchantress or fairy or whoever cursed him into beast form just totally misread him (or he said something true but impolite and pissed her off) and is an asshole for what she did, or something.

I worry about doing it wrong, because -- as much as I suspect I have some aspergers-y traits, I am totally not autistic, and risk falling into cliches -- but at least I wouldn't be *points upward* THAT fucking wrong
ysobel: A kitten on a piano keyboard (music)
So I don't know if you remember my choir dilemna from a bit ago (teal deer version: a combination of "do I have energy for choir at all" and "this other group is doing some pretty awesome stuff and my usual group is kind of blah") but I ended up going with the other group, which is doing fun stuff -- Mozart Requiem in November (in collaboration with an unaffiliated orchestra), a December concert that's some sort of collaboration with handbells, a spring concert that includes the Rutter requiem and Lauridsen's Lux Aeterna.

It's going to take some adjusting to get used to the evening rehearsals; luckily it's once a week, but it's 7-9:30, which means I'm up well past my bedtime, as opposed to the 4-6 rehearsals I'm used to), but I like the feel of the group way better. It was fun to sing again, even if we *did* take the kyrie at like quarter speed and did some of the movements on "da" instead of words. (I am very aware of the fact that I have done the Requiem multiple times, so have plenty of familiarity, and even if it were the first time I'm a damn good sightreader, but that not everyone is me, and not everyone has seen it before, and so I can be patient ... at least for a bit, lol)

I feel vaguely guilty not doing my usual chorus -- I suspect it's going to be low numbers, and it's quite possibly the conductor's last year, though he's been "close to retirement" for at least three or four years. But I don't have energy to do both, and the choir I'm not doing this year hasn't really been feeling fun lately, just more of an obligation. And I wasn't getting paid enough for that. The Chorale director is better about realizing that we're there to have fun -- by singing, yes, but the other director would sometimes get upset at the choir for not being professional level, and that kind of isn't fun to endure. (Not that the upset wasn't justified -- there were times that we'd be going over really basic stuff in the week before performance -- but it was a bit demoralizing.)

Anyway. Yay for being back singing -- and fucking yay for it being fun again.
ysobel: (Default)
Note to self:

Trying an app does not commit you to continuing with that app.

Really. Even if the app gives bonuses for daily activity.

The world will not end if you stop doing the crossword apps (you know, the ones that you find at best mildly annoying and at worst frustrating). Nor do you have less moral value for "giving up". And while crosswords are supposedly good for your brain, so are other things; it's less that crosswords are magic bullets, and more that using your brain is good. So is sleeping, and reading, and other things you could be doing with the extra time.

If you don't find a game actually *fun*, it's okay to stop doing it. I promise.

With love,


(Note to future self: if crossword apps turn out to be super duper important after all, I apologize for stopping. -you know who)
ysobel: (Default)
Unrelatedly, the worst part of Ravelry being down is I can't commiserate with my rav peeps about the "horror" of rav being down. Kind of like when your internet goes out so you try to send an email saying you have no internet...

Anyway. I haven't done more writing up the apps I like best, but one of my newer ones did a "we will give you 50 gems for leaving a review in the App Store", and I figured the information may as well go here too. I've added a bit of detail so it more matches the previous rec post, but it's only one app this time. (Not necessarily my favorite though... but high on the list. I may eventually get to reviewing the more meh apps/games, but I'm doing the ones I like first.)

Diggy's Adventure

Indiana Jones meets The Mummy meets "smash all the pots" video game rpg logic, with a charming retro feel and a sense of humor.

Read more... )
ysobel: Artwork of a curled-up stick figure trying to stave off crushing darkness (depression)

Too much shit going down right now.

CW: pet death (not mine)

Read more... )

and on top of all the aide shit (for those not on my access list, short version = getting into a screaming fight sunday that included lies and gaslighting and emotional manipulation (incl textbook DARVO) on my aide's part, subsequently firing said aide and changing locks and dealing with emotional rollercoaster aftereffects) I'm just

a complete mess

ysobel: (Default)
Well fuck. Talked with a cpap tech, who said a) there is no larger strap, b) there are no other nasal pillow style masks for me to try, and c) b doesn’t matter because the exchange was a one time thing, not a repeated offer. (I could get a new mask with cash pay, but nothing covered by insurance.) My option is basically “give it more time so the straps stretch out a bit”.

I want to cry.

(I don't know whyfor the crying, except I'm just over-overwhelmed right now. But of course my afternoon aide just showed up so I can't actually cry.)
ysobel: (Default)
...well, "fun".

Brief background; I bugged my doctor into letting me take a sleep test, amd bugged him into getting me a cpap even though my sleep apnea was only "mild". There are several types of masks. Broadly speaking, there are nasal "pillows" which kind of sit under or sometimes in the nose; a triangle pyramid-ish thing over the nose; triangle thing over nose and mouth, which to me kind of look like fighter pilot masks (::briefly derails, thinking about Tom Hardy in Dunkirk::), and full face masks. For safety reasons I can't do anything over the mouth -- I can't take the mask off myself, and so vomiting would be ... bad -- so the latter two are out. And I use my iPad at night, for insomnia and for music and for anti-brainweasel activity, but I can't raise my arms, which means masks with high profiles are a problem. Which restricts me to nasal pillows.

I've been using a mask that is tricky for people to put on me -- there is a small length of wide tubing that goes up a bit into the nostril, and it likes to fold back on itself or sit at weird angles. It's something that would be trivial to correct if I could reach it, but hard for people without access to my sensory system to do, and if usually takes multiple tries; but for the most part it's been good.

Also relevant: For health reasons, you're supposed to replace cpap components -- mask, tubing, the water chamber that humidified the air, filters, etc -- regularly. Insurance pays for the replacements, some items every 3 months and some every 6.

The mask I use has been discontinued.


So, I had to go in to get fitted for a new mask. I mean, I could just have not ever replaced the mask part, but I don't want to breathe too much gross bacteria, and it does get cleaned regularly but still, if it's important enough that insurance pays for replacements...

So I went in, and they had two types of nasal pillow masks available. Option A had adjustable straps, gel pads on the cheek straps for comfort (where the old mask was just rigid plastic), and sat in front of the nose rather than going in, which made it easier to put on. So I went with that. Note: you try on a floor model (which does get disinfected between clients), but take home a new unopened one.

I get home, take it out of the package, and it reeks horribly. Some of it was new plastic smell, some of it was I don't even know what, but I had to wash it and let it air out. For two days. Still had a slight smell, but I needed to try it.

...did I mention that you have the option of switching to a different mask, but only in the first two weeks after you get it. I don't know what happens if you decide a month later that you don't like it, but I wasn't keen on finding out.

Anyway. Tried the new mask, and by the next morning my skin under the gel pads was burning, and my upper lip was sweaty from the plastic sitting on it. (The old mask stayed off my lip because it was held "up" by the tubing going up my nose. New mask didn't have that, therefore much sitting on lip.) I had my aides re-wash in case that helped. Spoiler; it didn't. The gel pads still burned, my upper lip was miserable, and every time my bed shifted (I have an alternating air pressure mattress to prevent pressure sores) the mask kept wanting to torque sideways. And if it got off enough to be blowing on my face and not up my nose, I couldn't get it back in place.

So I called to make an appointment to do a different mask. It's kind of stupid that I had to go in -- 25 minutes each way of driving for a 5 minute appointment -- but whatever. And in the meantime I stupidly kept using the new mask, forgetting that the old one was still functional. I only realized I could switch back to the old one on Monday night, when my appointment was Tuesday. At least I had one night of being sensible?

Option B is a very minimalist thing with non-adjustable straps. But it felt okay so I brought it home. The good news is it didn't stink horribly. But I discovered two things.

For one thing, a new mask feels different than a worn mask -- the straps are tighter, the edges are sharper. It's too small, even though the straps have some stretch to them. And this is compounded by the thing where comfortable for the first five minutes does not mean comfortable overnight. The straps are a somewhat coarse cloth, my nose hurt, and the whole thing just got worse and worse until I called my roommate in at like 2am to switch back to the old mask.

The other thing is that my nose is breaking out, probably from the bad new mask. There are cranky bumpy spots all over the cpap-contact plane, both on the sides of my nostrils and on the strip in between. Which means that "ridge in the soft plastic of the nasal pillows" feels like "razor blade, albeit not too sharp of one, being pressed against my nose".

I need to call them (booooo) to see if this mask has a larger strap option -- and if they'd be willing to fucking mail the damn thing; I'll even pay the fucking postage just so I don't have to go in -- but the "hurting my nose" thing I don't know what to do about. It may be that once my nose recovers from the bad mask, the new mask will be fine. It may be that I need to invent some sort of padding. It may be that it won't work st all. But ... i don't know if I will even know before the two weeks are up.

There is no option C. Well, there is, but option C is "use one of the nose pyramids and not be able to use iPad for anything". Which ... I do not want to resort to. But they only had those two masks for the nasal pillow option.;


Aug. 30th, 2017 11:31 pm
ysobel: (Default)
Ahahaha um. Despite not having seen Fiddler on the Roof in ages, I randomly got one line of one song going through my head persistently. But it took me forever to place it. I had notes and rhythm and *wrong fucking words*.

I don't know why Fiddler occurred to me tonight as a possibility, nor why I was able to grab the right song on the first try. It's from Tevye's "dream" sequence, the bit where dead relatives are congratulating him on his daughter's wedding to someone other than the guy she's pledged to, and the line in question is Tevye's "you must have heard wrong, Grandma, there's no tailor" -- except all I could think for several days was "da da da daaa daaa, daaaa daaa, he's no oyster".

...kind of not the same.

Brains are weird.
ysobel: (yarn)
I apparently have some issues with how knitting patterns are written. These are all swirly standardized wordings but they're wrongitu wrong wrong.

1) "at each end". Often used with increases or decreases: inc 1 st at each end of next and foll 14 alt rows, or whatever. (Non-abbreviated version: increase 1 stitch at each end of the next row and following 14 alternate rows.) This is not technically incorrect, but it is very easy to read as "at end", which then leads to increasing on only one side rather than both. ("each end" is first and last stitch, or thereabouts; "end" is just the last stitch.) It would be better to say "at both ends", because pluralizing end→ends gives another clue that it's multiple, well, ends.

2) "Repeat X times". This can happen withon a line, eg "* k1 p1 k12 p1, repeat from * 8 times", or over multiple lines, where a several row pattern is defined and then it says "Repeat rows 1-10 6 times". The problem is, it's ambiguous as to whether it's X times *total* or X times *more*. (The "total" applies more often to the multi-row situations, where they define the pattern and then tell you how many times to do it, but I've seen it done both ways.) It would be so much clearer to say "repeat X times more", if not "Repeat X times more (X+1 times total".

3) "No stitch" squares in charts. The tl;dr is that charts are gross, whereas knitting is more flexible; to get things to line up right, sometimes spacer squares are needed. I totally grok it but it throws people off all the time -- Ravelry is sometimes like knitting tech support, lol -- and the terminology is misleading. It's more of a "no action" square than a no stitch square. Meh.

4) How gauge is generally described. This is less a pattern rant and more a knitting standardization rant, but: Gauge is usually described as X stitches and Y rows over 4 inches. The problem is, it is very very hard to judge partial stitches. I mean, okay, it's pretty straightforward to tell the difference between a whole stitch and a half stitch, but finer measurements are hard. Quarter stitch vs a third of a stitch is hard to distinguish visually, but if you have something 500 stitches wide, that can get significant. (Plus, it can be counterintuitive for some people that if you have a larger gauge, eg 24 stitches in 4" rather than 21 in 4", you need to go up a needle size.) It is much much easier to measure the *length* of X stitches. Instead of "24 stitches in 4 inches", you'd do "21 stitches in 3.5 inches". Same spi value, but it's easier to measure fractions of an inch (since they're marked on rulers) than fractions of a stitch, and it's more obvious that your knitting is turning out tighter (or looser as the case may be).

...yeah. Opinions. *grin* Sadly I have no influence over these things, and my gauge-measuring suggestions never seem to catch on.

What I do not have the time to rant about because it is way more detailed than I have the brain for tonight: stitch mount, "correctness", mount-neutral language, and actions va results. Yes that's all one rant.

What is not technically a rant but still a thing I want to write up someday, if I can figure out how: why knitting patterns are like computer programs (including subroutines and for-loops and goto triggers and if statements).
ysobel: (Default)
1) Is it possible to learn ASL without being physically able to speak it? Or is that a ridiculous goal?

2) If it's not a stolid idea for me to try, are there good resources? I mean I know there are YouTube videos, and I know how to use google, and stuff, so I'm not needing basic handholding there... but are there any especially good sources out there? Or especially bad ones o should stay away from?

3) Am I just going to regret this or get frustrated st my limitations?

;;nods fist in ASL yes::
ysobel: (Default)
drowning in brainweasels

and stress

ysobel: (Default)
So that beauty and the beast thing I'm not writing?

Has a working title: walls of broken stone.

I'm trying to figure out which elements of the base story are essential and which can be changed or discarded.

...I don't even know what I'm going to do with this if/when I write it. Probably just post to AO3 or something rather than selling it. It's not like BatB rewrites are that New And Differeht any more, plus I don't think I have the courage to try publishing -- or the energy for all the negotiating stuff and promotion that being a Real Writrr involves. But I think some of that is my brainweasels trying to trip me up in advance, so I am not going to even think about it until I actually have something to do something sigh.

Note: above post written on my iPad (which likes to not word correctly) without my glasses and it's almost 1aj so my vision is blurry. Any mistakes or typos or odd phrasings will be fixed on the morning.


ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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