(is that a thing? working out exactly why you're upset and exactly what is irritating you and judging whether it's "legitimate enough"? I have no clue if it's normal, or adhd-ish, or spectrum-ish, or some sort of trauma response, or just me)

It's a thing. I think it's a trauma thing, but one common in autistic people and in people with parents like your mother: it seems very likely to be connected to having had your emotions invalidated a lot already.

I'm sorry: this sounds enraging and exhausting and sad.