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(no subject)
I dreamt that there was an earthquake and while I didn't feel it, all the sidewalks and roads were suddenly disrupted.
Dreamt something about needing to find a balloon, and something about my dad ordering pizzas. Two large supremes, and he repeated it several times like the details were super important.
Woke up headachey and out of sorts and cranky and, oddly, missing my dad, even though he lives in the same town and I saw him just the other day and wtf.
Cranky continued through the morning get-up process, as much as I tried to dial it back (I try not to take personal crankiness out on my aides) I kept snapping. And the washcloth bath that I get daily, no different than any other day, somehow felt nonconsentual, even though it was part of the normal routine and even though I could have stopped it at any time.
(and then I had a voice in my head mocking me - 'what, are you comparing a perfectly consentual necessary task to rape? brb lol forever' - which of course made me feel so much better)
Had a weird urge, while eating breakfast (and the bread that usually I love, a dark raisin walnut every-(edible)-seed-in-the-universe that I picked up at farmer's market a week ago, seemed tasteless and dry), to get one of my long broken grabbers and sweep everything off the table. Which would have been less than helpful because there are breakable things in there as well as stuff that would otherwise be okay with a violent trip from table to floor, and I resisted, but wtf.
and I didn't get my stargate big bang anywhere close to finished and my remix_redux fic sucks horribly and I never amount to anything so why do I even bother trying...
Dreamt something about needing to find a balloon, and something about my dad ordering pizzas. Two large supremes, and he repeated it several times like the details were super important.
Woke up headachey and out of sorts and cranky and, oddly, missing my dad, even though he lives in the same town and I saw him just the other day and wtf.
Cranky continued through the morning get-up process, as much as I tried to dial it back (I try not to take personal crankiness out on my aides) I kept snapping. And the washcloth bath that I get daily, no different than any other day, somehow felt nonconsentual, even though it was part of the normal routine and even though I could have stopped it at any time.
(and then I had a voice in my head mocking me - 'what, are you comparing a perfectly consentual necessary task to rape? brb lol forever' - which of course made me feel so much better)
Had a weird urge, while eating breakfast (and the bread that usually I love, a dark raisin walnut every-(edible)-seed-in-the-universe that I picked up at farmer's market a week ago, seemed tasteless and dry), to get one of my long broken grabbers and sweep everything off the table. Which would have been less than helpful because there are breakable things in there as well as stuff that would otherwise be okay with a violent trip from table to floor, and I resisted, but wtf.
and I didn't get my stargate big bang anywhere close to finished and my remix_redux fic sucks horribly and I never amount to anything so why do I even bother trying...
no subject
If you want and if you're not remixing me, my offer to beta your remix is still open.
no subject
Is it possible this aide is threatening along some other dimension, and you're not sure exactly what? Cause that might get transmuted into the non-consensual reflex response.
no subject
Me, I'm coughing and sniffling today, so everything really is tasteless (I just stopped eating chocolate after two little squares, because my delicious dark-truffle-filled bar tastes like wax to me right now). All I really want to do is sleep, but I'm promising myself a trip to the book sale if I stay up till time for work. :D