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(no subject)
I made the mistake of checking my email (at 3:30 am)
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon
no subject
I don't know if it helps at all, but I wrote up my Super Serious Adult Voice response to this doctor. Sometimes I can't think in the moment how to respond when I'm so upset. So if you are struggling at all with how to tell your doctor to shove her opinion and schedule a damn evaluation already!
"I'd like to rule out all possibilities so I can approach my issues with appropriate strategies and best practices. Whatever the outcome, testing would provide peace of mind and would inform my plans for addressing the issues appropriately with my medical team and mental health providers going forward."