ysobel | Entries tagged with my brain is a jigsaw puzzle

So I just realized (maybe re-realized idk) a serious flaw in my brain's Perpetual Ominous Warnings Of Doom (mostly to the tune of "I am going to fuck things up", with occasional sprinklings of "something bad will happen and you aren't prepared")

which is that something *will* eventually go wrong, and I *will* eventually fuck something up. Not because I suck, just ... that's the way the universe is. And while the endless anticipatory anxiety won't actually really have helped, the prediction itself technically came true -- meaning my brain will use it as proof that the anxiety itself is necessary.

Kind of like when a hoarder actually does find a use for a random hoarded item, just by chance, and uses that as justification for "I might need this someday" hoarding. Only the anxiety thing is worse because there isn't even the "accidentally helpful" moment; it's just feeling shitty in advance without actually changing anything.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, or how to turn it from intellectual understanding to maybe calming anxiety down, or keeping it from backfiring on me, but ... huh.

I have noticed, especially in the last month or two, that I tend to crash both physically and emotionally right after going to bed ... which happens around 7, nowhere near when I actually go to sleep.

Not sure if it's a) my bed being haunted somehow (or more precisely I'm creating a feedback loop where my brain expects crash and therefore reinforcing it, sort of an inverse sleep hygiene thing); b) a neurospicy thing where I'm "on" during the day (because other ppl can see my screen and hear my sounds) and in bed I can relax that (no one sees my tablet but me, and I have earbuds) and it's just too much "on"; or c) something else.

If it's b, I'm not sure I can do anything to push past the crash...

Edit - fully crashed, as in couldn't track a audiobook w/o missing chunks, but then woke up 1am needing to pee. Feel very wonky and off kilter right now. Hopefully just a result of wonky sleep stuff but possibly because getting sick? Recording here just in case.

Took the RAADS-R autism test, mostly for lulz.

I wish there were a "sometimes" option, not all-or-nothing, but.

( results )

I'm frustrated by ... so many things.

By my lack of spoons -- I rarely get anything done during the day and yet I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day, which sounds normal except that by the time I'm up and dressed and everything it's like 11:30, and I go back to bed a whole 7 hours late. First bedtime is for comfort not sleep, but I utterly *crash*. Seven hours! I used to be on a 9am-9pm day!

By my sleep schedule -- if I actually go to sleep at 7 I'll be impossibly awake later on, so I don't, but by the time I'm ready to sleep through the night, my brain has gone into "too tired to sleep" cranky toddler mode. And it takes hours to get to sleep, and I never feel rested. I don't even remember what that feels like.

By my brain -- lack of executive function plus time blindness means I have so many things hopelessly backlogged, including just simple fucking emails. And I have so many ideas for things I'd like to train Phoebe on, but always I either don't have energy, or don't think of it when I have someone around to help, or I just can't fucking ask because it's not urgent (not in the same way as needing the bathroom) and I don't want to ~bother~ them.

By my hands -- I've lost so much dexterity and grip strength, I can barely do anything, plus they hurt all the time but especially at night.

By my perfectionism -- I haven't done art stuff in ages, because it always looks wrong and I give up on it way too fast. I can follow tutorials okay but even that is of course imperfect; things I do from scratch rarely work, or the different elements don't match up, or the proportions are wrong, or a small part is lovely and the rest is trash, or...

By my lack of aides -- I'm down to three, one who does the scheduling plus two shifts, the other two who split the remainder. I need more, but no one is applying, and the campus job-posting site has been changed to only corporation recruitment, and I don't know how else to get people. And this is a constant fucking thing. I was good for a while, with like six or more people, but a lot of them either graduated or got other jobs; I'm never permanently set on aides, and always have to be recruiting and searching (and if I find oeople, training them)

I wish I could just... not have issues

I had a moment of clarity the other day ... I have (pretty much always had) an underlying feeling of Not Good Enough; nga for my dogs, nga as a daughter and sister, nga at writing, nga at singing, pretty much anything. It's not a logical feeling at all (it's often a manifestation of perfectionism, and/or reflects things I can't do because disability and literally no one but me expects it) and my reaction tends to be withdraw / hide / curl into a ball of shame.

I realized the other day that the proper answer/response should be "try harder", not "hide and be miserable". Like, I think a lot of dog owners feel imperfect, but the better response is "try to be the person my dog thinks I am", not "I'll never be as awesome as my dog expects, let me hide"

...the moment of *feelng* the truth of that has passed, and it's back to being intellectually true but feeling hollow. (I am fucking exhausted of fighting the "must hide" reflex for every damn thing.) But I wanted to write it down anyway in case it comes back.

CW food, diet, medical advice

#

Last week I spoke with one of the FOP specialists, an endo in SF, mostly about the flareup but also various other things, both FOP related and endocrinology related. He said among other things that I should consider myself as probably having osteoporosis, because it's common in older FOPers, especially ones who aren't doing any weight-bearing exercise.

He then suggested-- I'm not sure if this was for osteoporosis or for blood sugar or for other things I'm high risk for because sedentary, that I should evaluate my caloric intake and "drop it 5-10% across the board".

...I'm so fucking not doing that.

Should I? Maybe. I don't know. I'd still be at risk of the same shit, and I'd be hangry and miserable. But also it's fucking hard getting myself fed regularly / appropriately; adding in trying to measure calories even with no change would be halfway impossible.

And, like, what I have now isn't vast quantities of all-you-can-eat buffets or whatever. Breakfast is either two eggs with bread (form varies, sometimes includes cheese) or yogurt with granola; lunch is a peanut butter sandwich or similar; dinner is whatever my roommate makes, usually pretty consistent with the "half plate non-starchy veggies, quarter plate carbs, quarter plate lean protein" stuff they've drummed at me for years. I could calorie count the first two if I measured. Dinner is more complicated.

...and the last several days I've also been hungry a lot, both during the day and at night. This could still be prednisone effects, although I'm almost done with the taper, but hungry at night is pretty common for me. I can't get up and snack, and I don't like bothering people, so I've learned to just ignore it.

But the doctors don't know this and don't care. I weigh too much and I can't exercise so the only ~lifestyle~ change is diet.

I want to eat things that are bad for me. Cakes and cookies and brownies and pizza and bread and rice and pasta and butter, things that taste good and fucking satisfy me. I feel childishly petulant that don't even get credit for things I'm doing; it's not good enough, never good enough, unless I lose an "acceptable" amount of weight.

(Sometimes I want to just stop eating, insist I'm not hungry or something, ~don't worry I'm fine~. Except I hate being hungry and I get in rotten moods. I think it's more that choosing to refuse food is one of the few freedoms left.)

So, ok, I have this ... weird inhibition about playing music out loud. I'm fine listening with headphones, but since I can't do those myself, that means I only listen when I have headphones on already. That's mostly at night, when I'm in bed. Singing along doesn't happen much -- it's embarrassing if headphoned, and I'm never not. It's been years, maybe decades, since I've just blasted a fun playlist and let myself sing along.

I keep poking at this mental wall, because I'd love to be able to do that. As far as I can tell, it's a combination of at least two desires/needs.

One is I don't want to bother anyone (more than I have to), combined with an overly sensitive meter for what counts as bothersome (i.e. anything at all). It's like I can only do loud things when alone. Between aides and roommate, I'm rarely alone, and I often just don't think of it as an option in the times I do have. Even if I'm watching a video, I'll often turn it off when someone shows up, because Noise.

It's not a logical thing: my roommate has a room with a door (and also can use her words if she needs quiet) and my aides are paid to be here and none of them would be bothered by what I listen to. It's just ... I somehow just can't, unless I'm alone.

(Oddly, video chat is exempt. I'm fine doing those on my computer with no headphones.)

The other is fear of judgment / mockery. This is a long thing: I remember as a young teen getting my first stereo system (CDs and tapes) and my dad brought along the CDs of Phantom of the Opera, with which I was obsessed, to use the Overture to test the sound of different players, and part of me was vaguely humiliated because it would out me as a Weirdo Who Liked Phantom. (Many of my interests at the time, including POTO and Star Trek, I was convinced were inherently shameful.) My genres are nonstandard, so there's possible weakness there, but also I listen to the same thing over and over again. Usually a playlist/CD rather than a single song, but sometimes even that.

(This is also why I never really got into things like Pandora; if I wanted to listen to X, I wanted to listen to X and not to things similar to X, and I'd rather listen to known comfort music over and over.)

I realized tonight that right now, when my roommate is out of town for a few days, I have times of actual guaranteed aloneness. That I could put on whatever and sing along.

...and I still got slammed with an almost visceral memory of someone saying, incredulously, "you're listening to that AGAIN???" Of someone begging me to put on something different. I don't remember if this was my sister (who would have been an older teen at the time) or in college, but I'm terrified, I guess, of getting that again.

On one hand I don't care if my aides don't approve of how I listen to music, and anyway they're all too nice to say something -- except maybe for "didn't you already play that". On the other, the internalization of "this thing I do is Not Normal*" is too old and too deep. So ... I don't know.

* ... I would not be surprised to learn listening to something on repeat is an autism and/or ADHD thing...

So fucking exhausted and frustrated-- kinda at "bang head against wall" mood, though I didn't actually.

My sister and niblings are in town for a few days. She's moving here in a few months (yaaaaay) so had stuff to do with finalizingt house purchase etc. It's the first time seeing any of them since January 2020.

...it's been a chaotic few days.

Theory: they'd drive in Tuesday and stay through Sunday.
Reality: hotel reservation shenanigans mean leaving Friday; packing took longer than expected so by 11pm Tuesday the new plan was for them to get up hella early Wednesday.

Theory: my sister had arranged babysitters so that e.g. in the afternoon babysitter 1 could be with youngest kid for nap time, babysitter 2 could be at park with older kiddos and Aunt Me, and my sister could go tour a daycare. Or a babysitter could do dinner with kids while my mom and sister and I went somewhere for Adult Time
Reality: both babysitters canceled last minute (one sick and one exposed) and the kids were melting down and hyper, so my sister was stuck at the hotel getting nothing done except for keeping any of them from killing each other. Needless to say, AT dinner didn't happen.

Adapted theory: I'd go over to the hotel for a bit and say hi, maybe if I'm lucky get a hug from Youngest (who has never met me)
Reality: Eldest was absorbed in Minecraft when not fighting with Middle, who was running around turning the lights on and then off and then on and then off, and while Youngest decided my aide was her new BFF (complete with tears when we left), I didn't merit anything.

Theory: today we'd get together for dinner, probably pizza in the hotel.
Revised theory: pizza in the park, because a friend of my sisters (B) has a kid (O) who was umpiring a softball game (players mostly 7) and invited her to come with Eldest to watch the game and see if Eldest would be interested in softball. And B was okay with it turning into all the kids plus mom and sister and pizza.
Reality: ...oof where to start.

It was cold and hella windy, and I wasn't dressed right.

The pizza places had like 90+ minute wait and also didn't deliver to parks, just street addresses, so plan changed to doing pizza after, but my mom and I didn't find out until we were there

My mom drove me so I couldn't bail without dragging her away

Eldest was more invested in ladybugs than the game

Also. I usually eat dinner around 6, go to bed right after (for comfort), toilet again at 8:30, and then am in bed for good, though sleep time varies. We didn't leave for the park until 5:45. We didn't leave *from* the park until 7. I didn't get into bed at all until 9:20.

Also my mom wanted to stop ON THE WAY at CVS to pick up meds. I said sure but probably not in a very cheerful tone, and really wanted to bang my head against a wall and/or make unhappy shrieking noises. She didn't stop after all.

(do normal people get bang-head-on-wall urges, or is that another mark in the "maybe autistic but well masked" column?)

It is better now that I've eaten pizza, am in bed, and have had an edible. But aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

so ... last week I was talking with one of my support team (not quite a therapist) about some of the intrusive thoughts I get

(like, uh, being intensely painfully aware that Yahtzee won't live forever ... every single time I look at him, not just occasionally)

and how it had the same feeling -- if thoughts can be felt, not so much emotion as, like, quality? -- as the nightly thought when I was a kid that I absolutely HAD TO say "good night I love you see you in the morning" or else bad things would happen (not guaranteed just a lot more likely) and it would definitely be my fault

and he looked at me and said "I'm not an expert but... have you considered that you might be somewhere on the OCD spectrum?"

(he may not have used the word spectrum, but he pointed out that humans inherently tend to be superstitious critters, and there's a range between "wearing lucky socks" and extreme clinical OCD, and while maybe I don't have enough disruption to be diagnosed as OCD, I'm still somewhere on that range, kind of parallel to how I'm maybe somewhere on the autism spectrum but too masked for diagnosis)

and my kneejerk was that I don't have enough of a germ phobia (even though I know damn well that is not a required element)

but second reaction was thinking about the persistent suicidal ideation I sometimes get, and the thing where I was literally unable to *not* pick at hangnails and dry skin (I could literally be telling myself "stop that you'll just make it worse" and still be doing it), and the only reason I stopped is my fingers don't have enough flexibility (and also sometimes I use tools even though they're less efficient and more damaging), and --

There's a lot of vagueness and overlap between various possible explanations, e.g. intrusive thoughts aren't necessarily OCD indicators; it could be depression and/or anxiety. With depression and anxiety and ADHD and maybe-autism all in the mix, figuring out my brain is like putting together jigsaw puzzles where the pieces of several images have been mixed together and there's no lids, so this set of pieces forms a bird but it's not clear which puzzle it belongs to, and this hole doesn't seem to have a match but either I just haven't found it yet or it's totally lost and I can't know which until everything is put together (only there are infinitely many puzzle pieces so they won't ever be fully assembled), and this other piece doesn't look like it belongs with the already assembled bits but I can't tell if that's because there's one more puzzle in the mix than I thought or just I haven't gotten to the correct spot of the known puzzles...

mrgfhhh. can I just be a cat instead???

The down side to neuropsych assessment (rather than psychiatrist) is that I am now in the limbo of Waiting.

This also includes a) endlessly re-combing through everything I said, b) fretting about the things I forgot to say (like how the duck did I forget misophonia as one of the sensory issues argh), c) wondering if I acted adhd enough, d) lamenting how well my memory did (I mean okay adrenaline helps but I feel weird going in with "working memory not working" as one of the complaints and then being able to recite seven digits backwards, though of course I don't know if I got them right), e) wanting to message them with some of the things I have thought of since (either stuff I forgot or complaints about the way shit was worded -- there was a question on the order of "when you see mountains do you think about how they were carefully crafted" or something like that, and like fuck no because careful and crafting are not words that go with mountains, it's ducking plate tectonics with things slamming into other things in slow motion, it's really fucking fascinating how mountains are formed but carefully crafted is not the right term, so I answered no but maybe I should have answered yes because I don't know the why behind the question), f) worrying that I was too smart for any adhd to come through (which intellectually is kind of ridiculous but also there's the whole ~you can't be adhd if you did well in school~ thing, g) wanting it to be results time already (follow up is scheduled for April 9), and h) wanting to hide under the bed.

Um.

On the bright side, I did send several (way overdue) emails today, so yay me.

Survived.

Brain is absolutely smashed.

Some of the questions were ducking weird (and I think also asking the wrong thing for what they were intended to assess), and some were inane (I don't ever get out of my chair inappropriately. Because wheelchair. And how the hell do I know whether I ever fail to hear someone talking to me??????) and some were exhausting

and somehow, during the verbal math section, I was unable to calculate 15% off of 60, within the time limit, yet was able to correctly get 105% of 110% of 200,000.

(And she was amused that during the "list off words starting with a" bit, antidisestablishmentarianism was one of the words I came up with.)

(And also when one of the things was "list fruits alternating with furniture" -- so like "cherry desk peach table apple wardrobe" or whatever -- I asked clarification on whether it was biological or culinary definition of fruit, and apparently she hadn't ever been asked that?)

and anyway I'm now in the limbo of waiting for results

and wondering if I'm ADHD enough

(at least I have a baseline assessment in case things change in the future?)

Also she asked my preferred pronouns and I actually said they/them, which is I think the first time I've verbalized that? Website settings, sure, but. So yay me.

Had a video chat with my primary care doc.

In her perception of the world:

* doctors always look for signs of autism and adhd in children
* it is rare if not impossible for anyone to get through school without all appropriate diagnoses
* this includes dyslexia (oh my god the skepticism in her voice when she was telling me about another patient of hers that ~thinks she has dyslexia~ despite having gotten ~all the way to grad school~)
* adhd meds are stimulants and work the same way on all brains so giving adhd meds to an adhd person will cause more problems than it's worth
* because I am not in school and do not work, there is absolutely zero reason to pursue a diagnosis
* (when I pointed out that it's not just a matter of "I can't do things I need to do" but "I can't even do things I WANT to do" she said that it would be ridiculous to put me on meth so I can watch a movie)
* adults with adhd don't take meds anyway, except maybe as-needed if they're in an exceptionally stimulating environment
* I am only having these problems because of increasing physical limitations and also anxiety (even though I've said several times that the behaviors and thought patterns go back to childhood, pre-dating even the existence of my depression)
* my existing diagnoses (FOP and anxiety) are all I need to get adequate support (ahahahahahaha)

I just ... ::flails incoherently::

Oh, and she was baffled by the hostility (actually desperation) in my responses because her telling me all this was just her, like, explaining the roadblocks I might face, and she's just the messenger. Even though none of it was phrased as "you might get resistance because xyz", it was all "xyz is absolute fact and also your needs don't matter because you don't work"

She's usually really good about stuff. Just ... not this.

I made the mistake of checking my email (at 3:30 am)

there was a message from my doctor

Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"

OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE

MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS

An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it

But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW

I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd

Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???

And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon

me: literally has several half-written things in progress -- email to dad about December aide hours, amazon review for a thing, client survey for service dog stuff, reply on twitter -- that I keep bouncing back and forth between even mid sentence

also me: I might be ADD but WHO KNOWS IT IS HARD TO TELL

also also me: pauses review mid-word to write this

...I laughed at myself a little.

(Am talking with my therapist about ::waves hand in vague gesture:: all this; she is v supportive so yay)

some of this c/p from discord b/c lazy

I.

me: wanna knit something
also me: has no actual motivation
also also me: lemme browse rav, that'll fix it!

II.

[isabeau] me: when $aide gets back I'll have her get me out some yarn to play with
$aide: gets back
me: stares numbly at reddit
[other person] Some days are low energy reddit days and that's okay.
[isabeau] yeah but 2020 has had about 600 such days...

III.

[isabeau] ...I had my aide make me up a margarita & have not had more than two sips. it is sitting on my desk and just ... sitting there, lol. ah, Executive Dysfunction v2020, how fun you are.

IV.

my AC island is still full of halloween.

I have done barely any yarncraft

my netflix queue is full but I've watched maybe one thing? in the last month

V.

half of my aides are going home for winter break, as is my roommate

I have a few replacements lined up but not enough

do not have overnight-stay replacement. really really don't want my mom staying over.

strongly tempted to just stay alone even though that's stupid and also unsafe.

VI.

brainweasels say all of above is proof I suck

not sure they're wrong

My Monday group had a presentation by someone (hospice worker) on the effects of stress on the brain. It's basically the parts of our brain that deal with perceived sabertooth tigers, only it might be a new diagnosis or physical changes or dealing with caregivers (or divorce or job loss or grief or pandemics or whatever).

Decreased executive function, trouble processing language, reduced working memory (like "what was I doing"), irritability replaying memories of prior painful life experiences, increased impulsivity.

Uh. Yeah that's pretty much my life.

(Physical effects of cortisol also include fatigue hahaha I'm doomed.)

This is stuff I sort of already knew, but it's ... a very appropriately-timed refresh of why I'm not coping, why I've been feeling on the edge of a breakdown for ... months, but also the past few weeks in particular.

So, okay, animal crossing. In theory I am still in love with it. In theory there are so many things I want to do. There's the whole snow thing going on. There's stuff in preparation for Toy Day. There's putting away the Halloween decorations and putting up yuletide-ier things. There's balloon hunting, possibly with time travel, so that I get all the mushroom recipes and all the acorn recipes and all the maple leaf recipes and all the winter stuff. There's terraforming that I want to do (paw print island) and decorating I want to do (flower area). There's the other island, the new one, that needs to get to three stars so I can get KK so I can get terraforming so I can make fun things.

In theory.

And I want to do all this. Or at least I want to want to. But I get little flickers of excitement. And ... and then I go to play and my gut response is ".........there's too much *shuts down*" and I barely do anything.

The summer update that came out, the Halloween update, both these things I remember watching the promo videos and watching other videos talking about it, and I vaguely distantly remember being excited. Turkey day I ... did the stuff on one island but it was kind of slog-like. I know there are videos with what's new in December, and I haven't even looked. I'm almost scared to. The ac discord I'm on, is muted and I haven't looked in ages. The ac thread in one of my rav groups, ditto. I can't play, I can't do anything related to playing, I can't ... I just can't. It's like a weird mental paralysis.

To a very slight extent there is competing interest from my yoshi semi-obsession. I'm not good at yoshi by any means but I keep wanting to play more. But since both yoshi and ac are in cartridge form, and since I can't switch cartridges myself, that means I haven't touched my second island in ... fuck, I don't know. I know I've popped in once since getting yoshi, but only once.

But that doesn't explain the complete anti enthusiasm with the switch lite. It's frustrating because I want to want to play it, and I sometimes get the desire (sometimes at completely wrong times like midnight when I don't have my switch and should be sleeping, but sometimes at good playable times) and then ... it's like I have no fuel. The fire lights but it burns out quickly.

I wish I could enjoy it. Or, second choice by far, if I can't enjoy it I wish I could not care. But I'm trapped and frustrated. And feel oddly guilty every time I play yoshi instead.

Fucking brains.

reading latest CA letter:

It sucks being a driven person with tons of ideas and heaps of motivation and no energy.

(Actually, it’s taken a long time to realize that’s what I am and why I feel so frustrated; for decades I assumed I was just lazy and unmotivated, and only recently realized if I were, I probably wouldn’t find my forced inactivity so awful.)

(https://captainawkward.com/2020/08/03/1286-how-do-i-create-good-art-when-life-is-tough-and-might-not-get-easier/)

::eyes self in contemplation::

also the thing in cap's answer about making art being valuable even if it isn't good... hm

I saw a thing the other day that was basically this: if you're feeling tired and crappy and unproductive, it's not a moral failing, it's covid brain. Your brain is in (extended slow-burn) survival mode, so it shunts effort (and blood flow and stuff) away from things like higher-level thinking / planning / etc and towards staying alive, and if you're feeling less creative it's because your brain is putting all your creative muscles towards staying alive, and if you're sleeping more it's partly because your brain is burning energy much faster than usual. Etc.

I just realized: combine that with my realization a few months ago that I've basically been living with impending uncertainty for years, much longer than the pandemic, and that aide stress/uncertainty and health stress/uncertainty has probably been fucking with my brain

and you get a major dose of "why the fuck am I surprised I can't write"

Especially since typing is hard (can't physically access keyboard for touch typing, computer typing is done by mouse and onscreen keyboard which is painfully slow, phone and tablet typing is done with thumbs and a lot of typos (and autocarrot) and is faster but more prone to error) and ... ... yeah.

I mean, I'm also getting fewer ideas, definitely fewer "this story is basically writing itself" / "this story is requiring that I write it, and won't leave me alone until I do" stuff, but it's not that I don't have any (I was going back through my "fic I'm not writing" tag and found fairly recent stuff I'd forgotten about). It's just they don't get written. Or I write the sort of thing I call a fic sketch where it's not really fleshed out (or even necessarily grammatical) but has the important bits, but don't have the energy to go back and finish it.

But.

If, in survival mode, brains are less good at thinking and being creative--

--and if I've been in survival mode pretty much for years--

--well, *fuck*.

Tumblr link on autism and samefooding: https://autism-asks.tumblr.com/post/171393403900/why-do-autistic-people-tend-to-samefood-is-it

:looks at that post:

:looks at own preferences:

huh.

I wonder if there's a music equivalent, because I will happily listen to a particular playlist over and over and over. I remember one time, probably in junior high, when I was playing a cd on repeat, and my sister was like "...but you've already listened to that" at the beginning of the second time through...

Profile

masquerading as a man with a reason

June 2025

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
1	2	3	4	5	6	7
8	9	10	11	12	13	14
15	16	17	18	19	20	21
22	23	24	25	26	27	28
29	30

Syndicate

Page Summary

Active Entries

Style Credit

Base style: Crossroads by branchandroot
Theme: Rarified by nornoriel

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jun. 27th, 2025 01:28 am

i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Entries tagged with my brain is a jigsaw puzzle

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

Hangry

Huh

(no subject)

oh huh

(no subject)

(no subject)

Okay that sucked

(no subject)

(no subject)

executive dysfunction hell

(no subject)

In which my I-can't-cope extends to video games

oh ... huh

Huh

(no subject)

Profile

June 2025

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Active Entries

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags