i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Monkey is gone.

I'm not entirely surprised -- she was 16, and she'd been acting odd the past few days, that didn't seem enough to warrant a vet but in retrospect add up -- and it doesn't really hurt yet.

As I posted on twitter--

Good night, sweet girl. You were the bestest cranky-faced dowager-countess purr machine. Thank you for ten years of love. (It wasn't enough. It never is. Losing friends *sucks*.)

I'm going to miss the yelling demands for food' and the shelf redecorations, and the headbutts, and the way you sat in my way refusing to move. I'm going to miss you taking over the printer (which was clearly an expensive cat bed). I'm going to miss meowing back at you.

Love you always.

Too spoonless to tell this in any entertaining way, but I seem to be having gallbladder issues. Two separate attacks of very severe pain just under the breastbone and radiating to the back, rather like I was being impaled by a spear.

Went to doctor today; she wants me to get an ultrasound, but in the meantime avoid fatty foods, like, y'know, eggs and cheese and peanut butter and ice cream and pizza and stuff.

...all of which I now really want...

Whine.

Also I somehow got extremely saladed out a few weeks ago and have been very resistant to salads since then, which ... really doesn't help.

I made the mistake of checking my email (at 3:30 am)

there was a message from my doctor

Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"

OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE

MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS

An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it

But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW

I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd

Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???

And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon

2021 is not getting off to a great start.

My aide S, who's been doing 90% of the shifts because all the students are gone (and even with the students was doing half the shifts) .. got hit by a car last night while walking her dog, & is now in the hospital with broken foot and ankle. And has to deal with police shit because it was a hit and run.

Luckily my roommate is here and able to cover, but.

I keep going from 'okay' to random crying. Can't tell how much is for S and how much is for me and how much is just Emotions Suck.

(Also sigh at my mom. She's physically unable to do the commode chair stuff, so she can't help me out in that way. In the group text with her and my sister I said I wouldn't be able to do the family video chat today, explained what was going on and that I was scrambling to get aide coverage, and literally said "there's nothing either of you can do to help aside from not asking a lot of questions, I'm just letting you know". So of course my mom insists that she could help with aide stuff... then texts me to ask if I'll need her help today... I know she wants to help but I don't need to deal with managing her as well...!)

So the fucking disaster that is Ravelry's makeover

that is literally giving people migraines and seizures

and not usable by screen readers

has not been rolled back, or de-animated, or in any way made accessible

and there's been no explanation

the front page still has just a chirpy twee "explanation" of the redesign with stuff like "We tried a bunch of different approaches but ended up with a simple misshapen circle with the r in it. Like the primary logo, we kept the secondary mark simple so that it could be flexibly used. We affectionately call her "Lumpy" :)" and "We already had our cinnamon color for the logo, and now we needed some color friends." (the logo is coral not cinnamon) and "we didn't want the colors to follow current web trends in color schemes" (coral/teal is not unique) and "I can't stress enough how much hard work, thought, and love went into the new look."

there have been daily feedback threads that pay lip service to "We also will not permit accessibility issues to be dismissed." but also say "We understand that those of you giving feedback in this thread would like us to make the Classic Ravelry site the default site. We feel that keeping Ravelry’s New Look as our default, with an option to opt-in to the Classic Ravelry look as we improve the new site, is the best option." and there are no answers or explanations for anything, so it has the feeling of shouting into a void

this is not the first time rav has had accessibility issues, but holy fuck this is just a dumpster fire

I am so very out of cope

Several of my Ravelry forums have a thing where you can declare "thread bankruptcy", usually with fast moving chatter threads, which basically means "I'm so far behind on this thread that I have no chance of catching up so I'm just going to start reading/interacting here, and I know I may have missed things but I'm not ignoring on purpose"

I realized that part of why I have trouble re-engaging with Dreamwidth peeps is that I'm so far behind (at least a year now, aside from random spurts with individual journals) that the backlog is overwhelming, but I feel obligated to catch up old stuff before I start reading regularly. But there's no way I'm going to catch up with everyone I care about.

So I'm declaring "Dreamwidth bankruptcy". I'm going to pretend there is no backlog, and just start fresh.

If there are things that have happened in your life that you want me to know, or that is important in your life, please comment! You don't even need to go into detail (if you give me clues of when to look in your journal, I don't mind specific archive-diving). I care about y'all, even though I've been quiet 💜

My version of catching y'all up--

Health

I have new bone growth in my back, which is slightly changing the position of my left arm -- there wasn't any mobility in any of the joints (shoulder or elbow) but there was some amount of flexibility in the shoulder blade, and that's changed so my arm is somewhat more retracted. It makes things like holding my choir iPad, or crocheting and knitting, harder and more awkward.

(It's also painful, especially when it presses against the chair back or the sling I use for transfers. My right hip and thigh are also super cranky because of bone buildup. Turns out having lots of extra bone where it doesn't belong tends to be painful, who knew.)

I also had a really craptastic couple of weeks starting just before Thanksgiving. I don't know how much was FOP, how much was atypical stomach bug, how much was maybe atypical migraine, and how much was atypical UTI. Details, including some amount of tmi, under cut...

( Read more... )

Teal deer = the last month or so has SUCKED healthwise. But I'm alive, so yay.

Pets

Fur family is still good, even though they're getting older -- both Yahtzee and Monkey seem more inclined to snooze than be active. Loki is a dork face, as per usual.

And speaking of: I'll do a proper post about this, but I am getting a puppy (PUPPY!!!) to train up as a new service dog. Er, obviously I can't do puppy myself, so am hiring a puppy raiser + trainer, but it's super exciting. Litter is eight weeks old, English (cream) golden retriever, absolutely freaking adorable.

Other stuff

Mental health issues (depression and anxiety) are still problems, though Impending Puppy is a decent antidepressant (except when I'm being anxiety-flaily about all the things that could possibly go wrong). And I've found a new phone app, Woebot, that is a robot that does CBT exercises with you; it's pretty awesome.

I somehow managed to maintain my Duolingo streak even with being sick (there was one day I missed, but streak freeze caught it). It's a crazy high streak. I'm mostly just idly refreshing Spanish, but not with any major effort.

Haven't done much crocheting or knitting lately. (Scary thing about zombie week: I was so sick I didn't care about yarn. Not just didn't have the energy to even fondle yarn, let alone work with it, though both those were true, but didn't even care about it. I'm pretty sure someone could have come taken my entire stash and my reaction would have just been "...whatever". Of course, I'd've been pretty miffed once I recovered, but.)

Haven't done much writing, either, though a few of my story wips (especially "no-magic-cure variant of Secret Garden" and "disabled Beauty and autistic Beast") are still rattling around in my head.

And ... um ... think that's it. Cookies for anyone who read the whole thing!

What's up with y'all?

So ... Netflix has a new-ish show, Afflucted, that I've been waffling in whether or not to watch. It advertised as a documentary following people with chronic illnesses. I wasn't sure, in advance, whether it was going to be sympathetic or dramatastic.

It's the latter. In a "oh it's all in their head" way. And it deliberately twisted the stories of *everyone* involved, who were misled about the purpose of the show (documentary ga reality tv) and were basically abused by the production staff.

https://medium.com/@afflicted/the-truth-behind-netflixs-afflicted-92e92d32cd7c is worth reading. If links to essays written by the participants, detailing the experience and also the facts that got left out about things like, oh, say, actual diagnoses and actual medical info and actual *everything*.

I am Not Impressed.

Ugh.

Too much shit going down right now.

CW: pet death (not mine)

( Read more... )

and on top of all the aide shit (for those not on my access list, short version = getting into a screaming fight sunday that included lies and gaslighting and emotional manipulation (incl textbook DARVO) on my aide's part, subsequently firing said aide and changing locks and dealing with emotional rollercoaster aftereffects) I'm just

a complete mess

(understatement)

... so I've been kind of quiet here lately. This is largely due to a lot of freaking the fuck out.

So -- roommate and I realized about a week ago that neither of us had seen Loki for a few days; by itself that doesn't necessarily mean anything, because cat, but his food was untouched and his litter box was untouched. (Yes he sometimes eats Monkey's food, but in addition, not instead, of his own, and rattling his food dish usually brings him running.) And he is not a quiet cat -- if he were trapped somewhere he would be howling his head off -- so it was increasingly clear he wasn't in the apartment. And of course he doesn't have a collar.

Cue the litany of lost-cat tasks: calling vets, calling the shelter, talking to neighbors in case one of them brought him inside, making up fliers, etc. Also cue my brain being an asshole and constantly returning to worst case scenarios.

To add to the stress, my roommate had a scheduled trip for a grad school interview, leaving Tuesday and getting back this weekend. Having her gone is stressful even normally because there isn't backup if my aides flake and because I don't have the stress relief option of venting to her and because my mom is the one driving me home from rehearsals argh. Having my roommate gone *and* Loki missing meant I've been a gigantic ball of anxiety and stress.

Then yesterday I went to go to rehearsal, and Loki goes scooting out from under my van to under another car. Tea deer versonnen: My aide scoops him up and brings hm inside, I sulk about going to rehearsal because I want to be at home with a Loki making sure he's okay, but I do the responsible thing of going.

I don't know where the fuck he was all week or what he was doing; he seemed scared while hiding under the car, but was back to his usual self, including jumping on shoulders (and my mom's back, when she made the mistake of bending over to try to pet him). Possibly slimmer, but he had some pudge. We will probably take him in for a checkup but I'm waiting until next week so roommate can help with that. But he seems okay.

( pic )

Meanwhile, today I was pretty much a complete mess -- you know how you can hold it together (at least sort of) *during* a highly stressful event, but then crash afterward? Yeah. Some amount of paranoia (which I predicted yesterday would happen) that when I haven't seen him in a few hours it's because he's gone again, rather than hiding somewhere sleeping; a lot of crying, both random and not. (And I ducked up scheduling a ride -- Yahtzee had to go to the vet for yearly vaccination stuff today at 3, and I had someone lined up to drive, but told her 3:40 for a pickup time rather than 2:40, and didn't realize until 3:03 -- and even though I was able to have my aide, who was there, drive instead, and call the vet to give a heads up that Y would be a few minutes late but was coming, I then just burst into tears because ~clearly~ (that's sarcasm font) I'm a horrible failure. )

Oh, and my chair has wonked out again -- lateral tilt not working, stuck in turtle mode, though st least not super tilted -- and I *still* don't have the new chair working. (Well, it works in general, but there's a comfort issue and if doesn't tilt back as much as i need.)

So ... yeah. I'm having ~fun~.

Fuuuuuuck

had my IHSS eval today

...it sounds like she's going to do her best to make sure I don't lose hours but it doesn't sound like I'm getting an increase

which is stupid because I'm sitting here going "I can't pee enough times because not enough hours" and she's doing things like "well your hours for showering might go down because you're only showering once a week" BECAUSE IT TAKES SO MUCH FUCKING TIME AND ENERGY YOU FUCKHEAD

I hate IHSS sometimes

and hate being dependent