ysobel: Artwork of a curled-up stick figure trying to stave off crushing darkness (depression)

Too much shit going down right now.

CW: pet death (not mine)

Read more... )

and on top of all the aide shit (for those not on my access list, short version = getting into a screaming fight sunday that included lies and gaslighting and emotional manipulation (incl textbook DARVO) on my aide's part, subsequently firing said aide and changing locks and dealing with emotional rollercoaster aftereffects) I'm just

a complete mess



Jul. 30th, 2017 06:28 pm
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)
Okay, so. My aide M is living with a couple of friends of hers, T and J. They are both on the older side. J has health problems that I don't know the details of, but that include a recent heart attack
And also a recent "we might have to amputate your legs" something for which she is still in the hospital.

M sent me kitten pictures earlier this week. Then one of her other clients went out of town and she went with him. Tonight's shifts are the first time I've seen them.

She mentioned how she hadn't had time to check on the kitten, or see how the weekend went, because T, who doesn't really like cats, was catsitting for her.

I got the chance to ask what was up with the kitten.

"Oh, I got it for J! It'll be therapy for when she gets out of the hospital!"

Uh, does she want a cat?

"Oh she loves cats!"

...but does she want to OWN a cat?

"Well I don't know, hahaha, but I couldn't just abandon it! I spent like $140 on the vet, having it checked up, and they did tests. It had pinkeye when I found it but I got antibiotics and it's looking so much better! I mean it's a ten day treatment and this is only like day three, but I'm sure it'll be fine, and I couldn't leave him with just ANYONE, right?"

...I want to scream.

This is basically M wanting a cat, and she's very soft-hearted and wouldn't be able to just leave it to die, but


It's not a good idea, when you're living paycheck to paycheck, do sink a bunch of money into medical care for a stray cat. That sounds heartless but this is someone that has been unable to come to work once or twice because of not having gas money; who gets irrational and paranoid when hypoglycemic but doesn't always have money for food; who doesn't take care of her OWN medical issues.

It's not a good idea to take someone that's doing you a favor (she has place to stay in exchange for helping them out) and make them care for an animal they don't like, including giving eye medicine for a contagious illness.

It's not a good idea to foist a pet on a disabled person; it's one thing for a disabled person to own pets, as I do, but this is NOT J's choice, and even if she wanted a cat it's stupid to not let her choose one for herself

It's fucking unfair to the cat -- medical care is good, yes, but this whole situation REEKS of badness

It's fucking unfair to the people around her

*what the fuck is M even thinking* oh right she's not

ysobel: (Default)
... so I've been kind of quiet here lately. This is largely due to a lot of freaking the fuck out.

So -- roommate and I realized about a week ago that neither of us had seen Loki for a few days; by itself that doesn't necessarily mean anything, because cat, but his food was untouched and his litter box was untouched. (Yes he sometimes eats Monkey's food, but in addition, not instead, of his own, and rattling his food dish usually brings him running.) And he is not a quiet cat -- if he were trapped somewhere he would be howling his head off -- so it was increasingly clear he wasn't in the apartment. And of course he doesn't have a collar.

Cue the litany of lost-cat tasks: calling vets, calling the shelter, talking to neighbors in case one of them brought him inside, making up fliers, etc. Also cue my brain being an asshole and constantly returning to worst case scenarios.

To add to the stress, my roommate had a scheduled trip for a grad school interview, leaving Tuesday and getting back this weekend. Having her gone is stressful even normally because there isn't backup if my aides flake and because I don't have the stress relief option of venting to her and because my mom is the one driving me home from rehearsals argh. Having my roommate gone *and* Loki missing meant I've been a gigantic ball of anxiety and stress.

Then yesterday I went to go to rehearsal, and Loki goes scooting out from under my van to under another car. Tea deer versonnen: My aide scoops him up and brings hm inside, I sulk about going to rehearsal because I want to be at home with a Loki making sure he's okay, but I do the responsible thing of going.

I don't know where the fuck he was all week or what he was doing; he seemed scared while hiding under the car, but was back to his usual self, including jumping on shoulders (and my mom's back, when she made the mistake of bending over to try to pet him). Possibly slimmer, but he had some pudge. We will probably take him in for a checkup but I'm waiting until next week so roommate can help with that. But he seems okay.

pic )

Meanwhile, today I was pretty much a complete mess -- you know how you can hold it together (at least sort of) *during* a highly stressful event, but then crash afterward? Yeah. Some amount of paranoia (which I predicted yesterday would happen) that when I haven't seen him in a few hours it's because he's gone again, rather than hiding somewhere sleeping; a lot of crying, both random and not. (And I ducked up scheduling a ride -- Yahtzee had to go to the vet for yearly vaccination stuff today at 3, and I had someone lined up to drive, but told her 3:40 for a pickup time rather than 2:40, and didn't realize until 3:03 -- and even though I was able to have my aide, who was there, drive instead, and call the vet to give a heads up that Y would be a few minutes late but was coming, I then just burst into tears because ~clearly~ (that's sarcasm font) I'm a horrible failure. )

Oh, and my chair has wonked out again -- lateral tilt not working, stuck in turtle mode, though st least not super tilted -- and I *still* don't have the new chair working. (Well, it works in general, but there's a comfort issue and if doesn't tilt back as much as i need.)

So ... yeah. I'm having ~fun~.

well fuck

Dec. 23rd, 2016 05:07 pm
ysobel: (Default)
sunday overnight - bed (alternating air mattress) goes off for 10 minutes for no apparent reason

monday - neck is cranky, possibly wrenched muscle

monday night - pain spikes to 8. take painkillers and go to bed early with heat pack (microwaved not electric)

tuesday - pain only 6, ditch church meeting to repeat prev night's actions

wednesday, thursday - neck achy. while using dressing stick to put pressure on right side of neck, discover a sore spot, slightly behind ear, that hurts when pressed but in a way that feels good; probably site of muscle attachment and pressing stretches it slightly

today - dressing stick on sore spot finds a lump I'm pretty sure wasn't there before


the initial pain didn't feel like FOP, but FOP reacts to muscular trauma, even just injections, and this, whatever I wrenched, may qualify as trauma. the good news is it's a small lump with no visible swelling or redness or heat. the bad news is it's really fucking close to my jaw. (there is a minor possibility the lump is inflamed lymph node rather than fop, but fop flare-ups have to be treated immediately, and I'm not taking any chances.)

so! I get a fun xmas/hannukah present of prednisone! yay! and also antibiotics for probable uti! yay!
ysobel: A man wielding a kitchen knife and making an adorable yelling face (rage)

had my IHSS eval today

...it sounds like she's going to do her best to make sure I don't lose hours but it doesn't sound like I'm getting an increase

which is stupid because I'm sitting here going "I can't pee enough times because not enough hours" and she's doing things like "well your hours for showering might go down because you're only showering once a week" BECAUSE IT TAKES SO MUCH FUCKING TIME AND ENERGY YOU FUCKHEAD

I hate IHSS sometimes

and hate being dependent

well fuck

Jun. 19th, 2016 02:50 pm
ysobel: The cute little Russian puppy genius, aka Chekov (Reboot - puppy)
godfuckingdammit, 2016, *stop killing people*
ysobel: A bunny (bunny comics) in the dotted-line red-x-in-corner broken-image style (404 not found)
I am also fucking pissed off at my cpap right now. Not the cpap itself, but the harness that holds it in place. Because -- okay, context of my sleep setup. I have a sling set up underneath me in bed that can be strapped to the lift so I can shift position some during the night. Bottom of the sling is at the crease of my knees; top of the sling comes to the top of my head. This is the ideal positioning. If I hook up just the bottom half, I can raise up to take pressure off my butt and feet and knees. If I hook up the top half as well, I raise up into more of a vertical angle, and it also does some nice curving thing to my spine so that when I lower back down my spine crackles and feels better.

But the cpap has headgear that's a series of straps to hold the nose piece actually in my nose. And the straps get pressed into my scalp by the sling. And sometimes, I swear to bob, the strap is made of a jagged lump of rock, because that's what it felt like tonight.

I think the sling is actually a smidge higher than usual -- it isn't always a problem, at least not this bad of one. And the sling is up at the top of my head, rather than in the middle of my head. I think most of the time we manage to get the sling positioned so that it's not low enough to hurt (with the edge cutting into the back of my neck) and not high enough to hurt (interfering with the cpap strap). But not tonight, of ducking course not tonight.

Solution one, repositioning the sling, would basically require getting me out of bed and then back in. Way too much fuss.

Solution two, unhooking the top straps, would normally be an option, but tonight I'm paranoid about nausea. (I sleep on my back. I literally cannot roll over or turn my head. Vomiting is bad. I have done it once successfully but there is high risk of aspiration. Calling my roommate in to get me up takes time that I might not have. With the top half of the sling hooked up. I can get myself to a 45 ish angle, which is so much better than flat on my back.) Probably nothing will happen -- I don't have a viral thing, and I think the problem earlier today was that my stomach was just too empty. But paranoid. So no go.

Solution three, moving the cpap strap a bit, might work. But it might not. And if it didn't, I'd end up in agony at 2am but not wanting to wake up my roommate because I'm weird.

Solution four is sleeping without the cpap.

I went with that for tonight but I just want to start bawling (again). It feels somehow like giving up, and I sleep way better with the cpap, and crappy sleep is not something I need right now. But it's what I get.
ysobel: Suri looking out from one of her perches (suri)
...and she's gone.

RIP, pretty girl.
ysobel: (Default)
So after a very long day involving my normal vet and then the teaching hospital and a bunch of tests and stuff, here's what's going on with Suri.

details )

So she's back home, but I have no idea for how long. The prognosis is pretty damn poor. And all I can really do is love at her.

(all the love, pretty girl. All the goddamn love in the whole goddamn world.)


ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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