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The rational part of my brain can point to a good half of the reasons I had a full not-quite-sobbing meltdown today: chair stress. physical stress. potential-kitty stress (and I asked my dad to make sure it was okay - not so much in a "asking parents for permission" way as a "asking my financial backup if it would be okay since I don't, after all, have a job - and haven't heard anything). potential-not-kitty stress. Choir stress†. PA stress. Half-my-PAs-are-dumber-than-bricks stress. Paying-for-aide stress, since the state cut my allowed hours by a LOT, using the roommates as excuse, even though having roommates doesn't really change MY needs when it comes to PAs, so my dad has to privately pay for like half the hours. Out-of-spoons stress.
Being able to pinpoint the causes does not, as it turns out, make it any easier to keep from going into blubbery snivelling meltdown. It in fact makes it harder, as it adds a layer of "I should not be overreacting this much dammit brain" stress.
#
† So, okay. I am in the university choir (there are some community folks scattered throughout, so I'm not the only non-student). We work on concert material for a quarter, with rehearsals twice a week for nine-or-so weeks, and then perform at the end of the quarter.
The first rehearsal was Jan 4. Observant folks will note that this is two days after my chair broke. Observant folks with a calendar nearby will note that I have missed ten rehearsals so far, with high likelihood of not being able to get to rehearsals eleven (tomorrow) and twelve (Thursday). Observant folks with knowledge of when the concert is (March 6th) will note that there are only six rehearsals beyond that. Observant folks with access to the syllabus/rehearsal schedule will note that there are actually seven, because of a most-of-the-day-saturday rehearsal, but will also note where it says that insufficient attendance may preclude participation in concerts.
Now, I've been keeping the conductor informed about the situation. He knows I'm not just ditching for the hell of it; he knows that it's a chair situation; he also has had me singing with him long enough to probably know that I pick things up damn quickly.
But all that does not negate the fact that I have missed over half of the rehearsals so far, and that the choir has learned the piece and is working on polishing it, and I -- despite working on it some on my own -- don't know it.
It also does not negate the fact that because of the volume of orchestra and chorus that is involved in this piece, the chorus is going to be on very high (like 20-ft) risers, and there may not be a safe way to get me up to even the level of the childrens' choirs (which are below the adult choirs), and singing from the stage level would put me waaaay far away from the other singers and also probably a bad line of sight to the conductor and I am utterly sick of doing that because I feel stupid enough not being able to stand in formation with the other singers (they are always on risers, albeit not usually starting 20 feet in the air, and I am next to the riser, and I hates it but there isn't another option and it's the best choir situation I've been in.
The director has not said I can't sing. But he has suggested that all things considered, maybe this would be a good quarter to step out, and just come back next quarter for fresh material.
And the thing is ... he's right. I've missed too much to be cohesive with the group, and the stage logistics would make *me* feel awkward and out of place and isolated. And concert weekend is going to be really fucking exhausting (rehearsal 9:30-12, break for lunch, full dress rehearsal starting 1:45, informative lecture/Q&A at 5, all on saturday; sunday, full dress rehearsal at 3:30 and then the concert) and I don't know that I want to do that. I don't know that I have spoons for it. And I don't really like the piece all that much.
Everything, every part of me -- the sensible logical part, the obey authority part, the spoons monitoring part -- says that I should just take a pass for this quarter.
Except the thought makes me want to cry.
Even though I don't like the piece at all wtf.
#
ETA arghhhhh my PA is being kind of manic and very add and I can. not. fucking. deal. and thank fuck for roommates that can run interference because um yeah. can I plz hide under something and never come out.
Being able to pinpoint the causes does not, as it turns out, make it any easier to keep from going into blubbery snivelling meltdown. It in fact makes it harder, as it adds a layer of "I should not be overreacting this much dammit brain" stress.
#
† So, okay. I am in the university choir (there are some community folks scattered throughout, so I'm not the only non-student). We work on concert material for a quarter, with rehearsals twice a week for nine-or-so weeks, and then perform at the end of the quarter.
The first rehearsal was Jan 4. Observant folks will note that this is two days after my chair broke. Observant folks with a calendar nearby will note that I have missed ten rehearsals so far, with high likelihood of not being able to get to rehearsals eleven (tomorrow) and twelve (Thursday). Observant folks with knowledge of when the concert is (March 6th) will note that there are only six rehearsals beyond that. Observant folks with access to the syllabus/rehearsal schedule will note that there are actually seven, because of a most-of-the-day-saturday rehearsal, but will also note where it says that insufficient attendance may preclude participation in concerts.
Now, I've been keeping the conductor informed about the situation. He knows I'm not just ditching for the hell of it; he knows that it's a chair situation; he also has had me singing with him long enough to probably know that I pick things up damn quickly.
But all that does not negate the fact that I have missed over half of the rehearsals so far, and that the choir has learned the piece and is working on polishing it, and I -- despite working on it some on my own -- don't know it.
It also does not negate the fact that because of the volume of orchestra and chorus that is involved in this piece, the chorus is going to be on very high (like 20-ft) risers, and there may not be a safe way to get me up to even the level of the childrens' choirs (which are below the adult choirs), and singing from the stage level would put me waaaay far away from the other singers and also probably a bad line of sight to the conductor and I am utterly sick of doing that because I feel stupid enough not being able to stand in formation with the other singers (they are always on risers, albeit not usually starting 20 feet in the air, and I am next to the riser, and I hates it but there isn't another option and it's the best choir situation I've been in.
The director has not said I can't sing. But he has suggested that all things considered, maybe this would be a good quarter to step out, and just come back next quarter for fresh material.
And the thing is ... he's right. I've missed too much to be cohesive with the group, and the stage logistics would make *me* feel awkward and out of place and isolated. And concert weekend is going to be really fucking exhausting (rehearsal 9:30-12, break for lunch, full dress rehearsal starting 1:45, informative lecture/Q&A at 5, all on saturday; sunday, full dress rehearsal at 3:30 and then the concert) and I don't know that I want to do that. I don't know that I have spoons for it. And I don't really like the piece all that much.
Everything, every part of me -- the sensible logical part, the obey authority part, the spoons monitoring part -- says that I should just take a pass for this quarter.
Except the thought makes me want to cry.
Even though I don't like the piece at all wtf.
#
ETA arghhhhh my PA is being kind of manic and very add and I can. not. fucking. deal. and thank fuck for roommates that can run interference because um yeah. can I plz hide under something and never come out.