i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

* today is the last day of Canine Companions' livestreaming puppycam. F litter, lab/golden cross, six black and one yellow, 7-8 weeks old. Super cute, despite video glitches. I want a cuddle pile of puppy...

* I want to figure out how to art-ify my D&D characters, but a) I can't ever figure out clothes, b) faces are hard, and c) my last two aren't even humanish -- current character, Ayla, is an owlin monk, and my previous character, Ek-ko-ao, was a xotlxotl [basically humanoid axolotl] drakewarden ranger. I tend not to do actual humans, but elves can be drawn as slender pointy-eared humans, and dwarves and halflings also are human-faced. I had trouble trying to draw a previous character (Bria, half-orc ranger with a pet velociraptor) partly because of jawline and teeth, though to be fair I couldn't even get my dwarf fighter drawn, so gah.

* also my weekly alphabet art project didn't get very far lulz. half-finished dragonfly is still half finished ...

* how the fuck is it almost April, wtf

* which also means it's almost Phoebe's bday \o/

* my dog poem book idea is one poem closer to completion -- 7 down, 13 to go.

the older I get, the more I dislike the Night Of Loud Irregular Noises. Grumpy face.

Also my brain decided it would be awesome to literally cry about not being able to hug. (I can receive hugs, awkward sideways ones anyway, but haven't had the arm mobility in years.) This isn't a new thing ... I forget exactly when I lost which joint, but it's probably a least ten years since I could do a one-armed wraparound in response to awkward sideways hugs, longer since I've been able to do frontal hugs. So I don't know why it hit last night. Maybe partly because in my rewatch of Bones (up to season 7 by today; I just hit the ep with the mention of FOP) there was a bit where Brennan ends up lying curled up against Booth with his arms around him, and I started thinking about what it would be like to be held like that, especially by someone who a) is extremely attractive and probably good-smelling, b) has strong arms and a strong protective instinct, and c) cares deeply for you. But the later crying was less about being held and more about doing the holding, with a side of "I'm a horrible pet parent because I can't snuggle or scritch" ... so idk.

I got notified earlier this week of a Covid exposure Saturday (someone I was around who was symptomless but later tested positive) so my brain then started flailing about whether emotional crash -- and/or repetitive yawning, which I kept doing yesterday -- was a potential symptom. Tested today and it was negative.

The weather here has been hot ... triple digits for the first 10+ days of July, including some 110s. I objected to the universe but that made no difference.

In other news I am planning on going to visit Yahtzee this weekend. (He "retired" to live with his puppy raisers, who live an hour or so away.) He is a Very Good Boy and I miss him, though my aides probably don't miss the poop cleanup, lol. I will probably miss him more after this visit because it'll just remind both of us of What Used To Be. I'm just hoping he isn't too mad at me.

Went to the local Pride festival thingie today. Some booths had free stuff, usually "spin the wheel" -- stickers, flags, buttons, in one case butt-themed (not even sexual; they were promoting colon health), and various candies. Others were selling-- I was tempted by many things but got two, a 3D-printed dragon and stud earrings that were purple and have Snoopy (and a tiny Woodstock) with a pride flag. 🏳️‍🌈

I got a bit sunburnt-- though at least I had a hat! -- and since the whole thing was on grass and getting back up to pavement was a bit higher than my chair liked, I got a bit stuck, but the Sac Gay Men's Chorus had just sung and a couple buff SGMC guys saw me and came to help. Swoon.

In other news, Phoebewise, I have discovered two things:

1. If she eats enough mulberries, her poop comes out black the next day

(Yes there is a very local mulberry tree with ripe berries, how did you guess?)

2. She goes bonkers at laser pointers. Like, cat level bonkers. I'm trying to figure out if I should take advantage of this for getting her exercise on hot days*, or if it'll just frustrate her because she can't eat it.


* did I mention that 2-3 days next week will be over 100 (37.8 for Celsius peeps)? I didn't give the weather permission to do that.

...did I also mention our freezer isn't actually freezing? I had maintenance come in a couple days ago and they couldn't find anything but suggested we do a few things to get improved air circulation, but it's gotten worse instead of better -- ice cream has gone from "soft-serve consistency" earlier this week to "soup". Meh.

Fuckit

So I had half a moment of feeling okay about stuff -- having enough aides for a change --

Only the really cool person developed major medical issues, and one of the other new people is having back problems, and do shifts are falling back on my roommate again, and some of them she literally can't do, and also the -- I was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't do recruiting, and my dad is able to put out advertisements and get names but the follow-up -- explaining shifts, arranging interviews, arranging training) fell for a while onto the person who does my scheduling (another thing I originally did but couldn't) but she can't do they long term and my roommate doesn't want to and I'm not sure what to do

and there's the issue of who stays here overnight if my roommate takes a trip; a bunch of roommates ago, my roommate found replacement and paid them, and then for a long while K would stay but she's not really talking to me any more (the January issues and subsequent taking her off the schedule pretty much burned that bridge), and I can't stay alone but I don't know--

Anyway so I'm back to crying pathetically yaaay (fml)

Really want to do a full update because there's so much, but typing hurts. Can do short bursts, but since DW doesn't save drafts...

Teal deer:

* Had birthday last week, was good.

* Yahtzee had eyelid surgery, it went well, he's healing well, doesn't like the Cone but loves the extra "treats".

* Eldest niecelet is 8 wtfffff how did she get old

* twitter is ... certainly a thing right now. It's got the feel of "deck of sinking Titanic" only the iceberg bought the titanic as a midlife crisis and also is super mad everyone is making fun of it.

* but also twitter was where my "on rav all day" energy went, when TPTB torpedoed it, and I'm not sure what now

Fingers hella hurt now, okay bye

So fucking exhausted and frustrated-- kinda at "bang head against wall" mood, though I didn't actually.

My sister and niblings are in town for a few days. She's moving here in a few months (yaaaaay) so had stuff to do with finalizingt house purchase etc. It's the first time seeing any of them since January 2020.

...it's been a chaotic few days.

Theory: they'd drive in Tuesday and stay through Sunday.
Reality: hotel reservation shenanigans mean leaving Friday; packing took longer than expected so by 11pm Tuesday the new plan was for them to get up hella early Wednesday.

Theory: my sister had arranged babysitters so that e.g. in the afternoon babysitter 1 could be with youngest kid for nap time, babysitter 2 could be at park with older kiddos and Aunt Me, and my sister could go tour a daycare. Or a babysitter could do dinner with kids while my mom and sister and I went somewhere for Adult Time
Reality: both babysitters canceled last minute (one sick and one exposed) and the kids were melting down and hyper, so my sister was stuck at the hotel getting nothing done except for keeping any of them from killing each other. Needless to say, AT dinner didn't happen.

Adapted theory: I'd go over to the hotel for a bit and say hi, maybe if I'm lucky get a hug from Youngest (who has never met me)
Reality: Eldest was absorbed in Minecraft when not fighting with Middle, who was running around turning the lights on and then off and then on and then off, and while Youngest decided my aide was her new BFF (complete with tears when we left), I didn't merit anything.

Theory: today we'd get together for dinner, probably pizza in the hotel.
Revised theory: pizza in the park, because a friend of my sisters (B) has a kid (O) who was umpiring a softball game (players mostly 7) and invited her to come with Eldest to watch the game and see if Eldest would be interested in softball. And B was okay with it turning into all the kids plus mom and sister and pizza.
Reality: ...oof where to start.

It was cold and hella windy, and I wasn't dressed right.

The pizza places had like 90+ minute wait and also didn't deliver to parks, just street addresses, so plan changed to doing pizza after, but my mom and I didn't find out until we were there

My mom drove me so I couldn't bail without dragging her away

Eldest was more invested in ladybugs than the game

Also. I usually eat dinner around 6, go to bed right after (for comfort), toilet again at 8:30, and then am in bed for good, though sleep time varies. We didn't leave for the park until 5:45. We didn't leave *from* the park until 7. I didn't get into bed at all until 9:20.

Also my mom wanted to stop ON THE WAY at CVS to pick up meds. I said sure but probably not in a very cheerful tone, and really wanted to bang my head against a wall and/or make unhappy shrieking noises. She didn't stop after all.

(do normal people get bang-head-on-wall urges, or is that another mark in the "maybe autistic but well masked" column?)

It is better now that I've eaten pizza, am in bed, and have had an edible. But aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Mild tmi warning for bodily function discussion.

( Read more... )

Been a while since I posted (oops)

Summary of life:
* 2020 is still 2020.
* I did have successful, albeit quiet, birthday. (Turns out 42 is not a magic age with all the answers.)
* I have a new game addiction (Yoshi's Crafted World) and it's way too much fun.
* My computer died for no particular reason so I have been computerless for eons (since last Thursday). Still have internet through phone and tablet, so I'm not in withdrawal, but it does kinda suck
* pets and niblings are all still hella cute
* brainweasels still savage as duck. Or maybe goose. (Duck was an autocarroting but I decided to keep it)

Um yeah there's probably other stuff but I can't think.

Jedi hugs to anyone who wants them.

1. Not dead. This seems more relevant a disclaimer given pandemic.

2. Am, however, having a FOP flare up in both legs -- down the sides of both thighs but also under the right thigh and pelvis. The last six days have been miserable during the day, in that there are NO comfortable positions to sit in. I've been tilting my chair back enough that my calf is starting to hurt from the pressure (the edge of the seat presses against my leg, in part because the seat pan is *too fucking long* because the wheelchair people ~didn't like~ how unsupported my legs looked in a shallower seat). It's also made dressing harder; I used to be able to "sit forward" on the edge of the seat and balance there, ao my torso and arms were free of the seat. But now I can't really balance and keep tipping over backwards -- not a dangerous thing because I'm just ending up in the chair, but I can't stay upright unless my left elbow is against the chair arm, but that means that trying to get my shirt on might end up giving me friction burns there. Argh. Also, pain fucking sucks.

3. On the bright side, thanks to some very generous friends, I currently have both an Oculus Go VR headset (I can't get 100% use because I can't turn my head, but turning my chair has the same effect, as long as I have someone around to let me know if I'm close to running into anything; one of MyChart favorite games is a roller coaster app. All the fun visual effect of roller coasters with no risk!) and a Switch with Animal Crossing (which I only got this week so it's not a spectacular island), so there are things I can do to distract myself from the pain.

3. I have a long and kind of teal-deer post to make on this subject but summary is I'm becoming really fairly certain that I'm somewhere on the (autism) spectrum, with a lot of masking going on. A lot of stuff from my memories suddenly make way more sense from that angle. And it makes it easier somehow to not beat up on myself for failing at things, because it's brain wiring and not me being lazy or whatever.

4. I miss having choir, so fucking much. I did send in a video submission for http://www.virtualchoir6.com (which is currently in the processing stages, and will probably take a while because they have 17.5k videos to smush together), but a) I strongly dislike videos of myself, and b) it's not the same. I don't even know if the choir I'm in will start back up in the fall ... and if they do I don't know if it will be advisable for me to avoid it (I don't think I'm high-risk for *catching* Covid-19 but if I get it there's a good chance it'll kill me, so I'm trying not to get it) ... but damn I miss it. Also miss orchestra stuff, even though I haven't been able to play violin in like 20 years. Some of that may be because I've been watching way too many two set violin videos, but. I think more it's just missing communal music.

5. I'm an aunt again! My sister had another baby, another girl, who is all of like three weeks old right now. It was a bit more complicated trying to juggle everything given pandemic, which she hadn't been expecting when she got pregnant, but everyone got through it with all bits intact. Oddly, there are fewer baby pictures this time than there were when her first was born 🤣 almost like she's busy or something.

6. I have been eating way too much sugar and carbs. I should probably cut back, but it's so yummy...

February is sucking so hard, so far.

Sunday night: aide called in sick. I got her shifts covered.

Monday: *deep breath* lessee. A different aide let me know she can't do Thursday nights any more. I had the *stupidest ever* appointment that required an hour total of driving, and fifteen minutes of waiting, just so that they could confirm that my cpap machine, which has been giving "motor life exceeded" errors, had in fact exceeded the recommended motor life. (It's normally replaced every five years, and I'm 9 months short of that, but I'm in bed 14-16 hours most days, and the cpap is running the whole time.) They didn't replace it (this was one step in the process of getting an early replacement) but it was complete BS.

And then there's the Chess saga, wherein he had to go in for surgery for intestinal blockage that turned out to be a *foot long stick* wtf I can't even fathom how he got that down. And while they were doing the surgery they discovered that it had rotated in a bad direction and punctured his stomach. So ... not good. He stayed in ICU overnight, and will be in the hospital a few more days, but full recovery will take longer. He IS doing better now, eating and wagging his tail and rolling over for belly rubs and generally charming everyone there.

(The trainer feels horrible about this, which on the one hand I can completely understand, and puppies will puppy and things happen and she didn't do this on purpose, but there's also a part of me that's like "(grumpycat) GOOD", because augh. SHE BROKE MY DOG, only not really, and he IS healing and it will be okay, but... yeah. And of course this is not going to be cheap (per the contract, she covers basic vet stuff and wellness checks and shots, but we cover any emergency issues) but more I'm just ... flaaaaail.

And Monkey has a UTI and has to get oral antibiotics, which means she's spending lots of time in impossible-to-reach places; and Yahtzee has something going on with his eye that needs him to go to an animal ophthalmologist. Both of which are technically January things but they're affecting February. And the ophthalmology guy my vet recommended had an appointment at 9:30 Friday morning, and is otherwise booked for a month out (the Friday thing was a cancellation), but he's half an hour away WITHOUT factoring in traffic, so I'm going to have to get up hella early compared to my usual.

Today: Got an email from Netflix that was all "we have changed your email as requested; you will no longer be able to use (email) to sign in. If you didn’t request this, click here to contact us". Felt very phishing-y, so I didn’t click on anything in the email. But I did go to sign in just to make sure I still could. And ... "we couldn't find an account with that email address". So I had to call them (still not clicking the email link because paranoid, but found their contact info a different way) and after confirming the last 4 digits of credit card to prove it was me, they changed my email back and sent me a reset-password link. Did that and also linked up my phone as a secondary source of authentication. But fuck, have no idea how someone got into my Netflix account...

...

I ... may be consuming rather a lot of sugar and carbs, the last few days. Stress eating. Not good for my body probably, but good for my mental health.

I'd really like things to *stop sucking*.