i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

I miss Monkey way more than it feels like I "should" ... I couldn't really interact physically, she wasn't ever really a lap cat, I'm pretty sure she was deaf by the end (not that I stopped meowing back at her), and I knew she was old. But it hurts and I miss her near-constant purr. It feels too quiet. There's still animal noise, and there's still cat presence because Loki -- he usually is in my bedroom though, and I don't know if that's because Monkey had claimed the living room (therefore he might come out more?) or because he prefers it (therefore he won't).

I knew this was coming and I still hurt.

I try to tell myself I eventually got over losing Suri (see icon), so I'll get through this too, but also I'm not getting another cat (3 animals is already A Lot) whereas I think getting Monkey helped with losing Suri .... rationally I know it'll get easier with time

(but I want it easier now)

(actually if it were easier I'd be beating myself up for not caring enough)

but it still just hurts

February is sucking so hard, so far.

Sunday night: aide called in sick. I got her shifts covered.

Monday: *deep breath* lessee. A different aide let me know she can't do Thursday nights any more. I had the *stupidest ever* appointment that required an hour total of driving, and fifteen minutes of waiting, just so that they could confirm that my cpap machine, which has been giving "motor life exceeded" errors, had in fact exceeded the recommended motor life. (It's normally replaced every five years, and I'm 9 months short of that, but I'm in bed 14-16 hours most days, and the cpap is running the whole time.) They didn't replace it (this was one step in the process of getting an early replacement) but it was complete BS.

And then there's the Chess saga, wherein he had to go in for surgery for intestinal blockage that turned out to be a *foot long stick* wtf I can't even fathom how he got that down. And while they were doing the surgery they discovered that it had rotated in a bad direction and punctured his stomach. So ... not good. He stayed in ICU overnight, and will be in the hospital a few more days, but full recovery will take longer. He IS doing better now, eating and wagging his tail and rolling over for belly rubs and generally charming everyone there.

(The trainer feels horrible about this, which on the one hand I can completely understand, and puppies will puppy and things happen and she didn't do this on purpose, but there's also a part of me that's like "(grumpycat) GOOD", because augh. SHE BROKE MY DOG, only not really, and he IS healing and it will be okay, but... yeah. And of course this is not going to be cheap (per the contract, she covers basic vet stuff and wellness checks and shots, but we cover any emergency issues) but more I'm just ... flaaaaail.

And Monkey has a UTI and has to get oral antibiotics, which means she's spending lots of time in impossible-to-reach places; and Yahtzee has something going on with his eye that needs him to go to an animal ophthalmologist. Both of which are technically January things but they're affecting February. And the ophthalmology guy my vet recommended had an appointment at 9:30 Friday morning, and is otherwise booked for a month out (the Friday thing was a cancellation), but he's half an hour away WITHOUT factoring in traffic, so I'm going to have to get up hella early compared to my usual.

Today: Got an email from Netflix that was all "we have changed your email as requested; you will no longer be able to use (email) to sign in. If you didn’t request this, click here to contact us". Felt very phishing-y, so I didn’t click on anything in the email. But I did go to sign in just to make sure I still could. And ... "we couldn't find an account with that email address". So I had to call them (still not clicking the email link because paranoid, but found their contact info a different way) and after confirming the last 4 digits of credit card to prove it was me, they changed my email back and sent me a reset-password link. Did that and also linked up my phone as a secondary source of authentication. But fuck, have no idea how someone got into my Netflix account...

...

I ... may be consuming rather a lot of sugar and carbs, the last few days. Stress eating. Not good for my body probably, but good for my mental health.

I'd really like things to *stop sucking*.

...more or less

One of my groups has concet tomorrow so we've been in rehearsal hell week ... compounded by a) the semi-idiocy on my part or being in two choral groups (so the extra rehearsal Tuesday night for the concert group came on the heels of the Tuesday afternoon rehearsal for the other group; I'm not the only one doing both but it's a lot) and b) a migraine on and off this week, partly hormonal (yay shark week) and partly exhaustion and partly migraine randomness.

The concert tomorrow should be awesome though. Assuming I survive. Heh. What masochist schedules a 9am rehearsal on the day of the concert, anyway. (rhetorical question. It's our one and only chance with the chamber orchestra though.(

I am doing a lot of random crochet things because I can. Nothing that's useful. Tiny socks and cactuses and such. By "a lot" I don't mean I'm getting a lot of it done, but the crochet that I am able to get done is mostly random stuff.

I haven't done any writing-writing in ages; I keep getting story ideas, nothing more detailed than Yuletide prompt level (e.g. the survivors of Deep Blue Sea get together for a reunion but definitely not sushi), but haven't figured out a good way to get back into writing. Maybe tablets are the way to go? Idk. (Relatedly, thank you for the reassurance that I wasn't just being irrational and petulant over the iPad update problems -- and I finally realized that it may be a first world problem in a technical sense, but it's also one of my connections to the world.)

Loki is still in a cone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ There's no indication of why he keeps doing shit with his tail. Nothing is visibly wrong (they did an X-ray(. He's on kitty Prozac for now. Monkey is continuing to do her thing of sleeping on my stomach at times (only when I'm in bed, but it's sometimes at the start of the night and sometimes at the end of the night and sometimes the middle and there's no real pattern) and there's something magically special about having a warm purring furry blob trust you enough to not only relax on you but fall asleep, and it also sometimes feels like she's guarding me, and I love her so much it almost hurts.

Lastly: supposedly Babylon 5 is coming to amazon video. I am so fucking excited, y'all. I mean, yes I have the dvds, but streaming video is so much easier.

I am alive! Still struggling with a lot of RL shit, still not keeping up in very many places.

Tl;dr summary of my life the last few weeks:

* found a Person Who Isn't My Mom to stay over for the period while roommate is out of town (three and a half weeks). Friend in Sacramento. So I seem to be surviving.

* Christmas was very quiet and peaceful. My sister had water heater explosion issues (and ensuing insurance / repair / etc shit to deal with) so didn't come in for xmas, and my mom went down there so wasn't bugging me. I came down with a mild cold that gave a good excuse for why I was being antisocial, but tbh I really just wanted peace and quiet. So Christmas Day was crochet and watching Die Hard.

* it feels very weird and wrong to not be involved in Yuletide at all. No pinch hits, no treats, no reading archive. Some of this is just indicative of my overall stress level, but it's way too easy to twist that into "I suck".

* several weeks ago my bed/mattress died (alternating air pressure mattress to keep me from getting pressure sores -- I can't shift position so it shifts under me -- but the pump died abruptly). Getting a new one is taking forever. I have a loaner mattress now (different brand and not quite as good, but at least aap) but it goes bzzzzzzt at random intervals and is driving me crazy.

* Loki somehow managed to lick the tip of his tail raw. He's in a cone -- soft rather than hard; the vet gave a hard plastic one but I was worried he would hurt himself and/or Yahtzee and/or me, so I got a soft one off amazon and he does better -- but he keeps getting out of it and re-raw-ing it. Sigh, cats. He has also started flopping down on me at night and demanding head scritches (especially since he can't scratch on his own with the cone) and I am a sucker.

* Monkey has also started climbing up on me sometimes, when I'm in bed. Usually around 4am but it varies a lot. She's less demanding of scritches, and does catloaf more than flop sprawl. If I'm doing something on the iPad it can be mildly annoying to have a cat blocking the screen but mostly I like it. Warm furry purring love puddles ftw.

* my stepmom apparently thinks I'm not allowed to get frustrated (or at least not allowed to get snippy ever) and thinks a frustrated tone is the worst insult ever and also thinks that a face to face confrontation about how horrible I am is the best way to go. (I will probably write out more details later, as part of processing what happened and how to respond.) I'm still both angry and somewhat traumatized. Mostly angry though. And brainweasels are loving it. The actual confrontation sent me into a shame / self-hate spiral for the day.

* Still addicted to Merge Dragons and to Zen Koi. (Also, lesserly so, to Zombie Castaways and Diggy's Adventure.) Also: There is Zen Koi 2. Similar principle, plus you can play with the dragons. I haven't done much with it.

* I did not know Lego makes dinosaur kits. Someone sent me a box as part of a surprise care package and I maybe made supersonic squeaking noises. Legosaurs!

is here. I tried to do a picspam post on DW/LJ, but emailing the pictures didn't work (message too big) and I was too lazy exhausted and brain-fogged to do the uploading and coding by hand. Feel free to comment here though, since this is a better platform for replies than tumblr is.

Spoiler: I have adorable pets.

Cat: Oh hey there is a plate with turkey remnants! I will go onto the Forbidden Table and partake of this feast!
Human: OFF!
Cat: But... but...
Human: *louder shout plus thwack of backscratcher against table*
Cat: Oh, FINE. *jumps off and saunters away*

Repeat a few times, because Human is particularly slow.

Finally, Human gets out the Spray Bottle Of Doom.

Cat: *sits on floor, gazing at table*
Human: Don't even think about it.
Cat: Wasn't.
Human: Do you see this? *wiggles SBOD*
Cat: I'm OFFENDED that you would even THINK that of me.
Human: *glares warningly*
Cat: *licks genitals*

Of course, a watched cat pot never misbehaves boils, so after Cat wanders off, Human sets the spray bottle on the table pointing in the direction of the turkey plate, and wanders off to resume watching of last week's Sleepy Hollow.

To the surprise of no one who has ever owned a cat, not two minutes later:

Cat: Aha! The Table is unsupervised!
Human: *hears suspicious noises and turns*
Cat: Om nom nom turkey scraps!
Human: *squirt in face*
Cat: OH HOLY FUCK WHAT WAS THAT NOOOOO *flees*
Human: *possibly giggles just a little bit*
Cat: I was done with it anyway. *licks fur furiously*

She is now sulking at me. Heee.

Guess who came onto my lap this morning, entirely of her own volition?

(She's been on my lap before, from people putting her there, but she's never come there herself)

...guess who chose the absolute awkwardest time possible to do so?

(I was torn on what to do, because on the one hand I want to encourage physical contact and lapness, but on the other hand it is kind of awkward using the toilet with a furry lap, especially when the fur is purring and kneading)

...and I'd forgotten about the "wanna go home" first night serenades... /wry grin/