ysobel | Entries tagged with would i like cheese with that whine

1. Realization: my perfectionism may be an ocd-ish thing (a belief that being perfect prevents bad shit from happening) ... which is self-reinforcing because life includes bad shit and also me being perfect is impossible

2. I miss being able to do counted cross stitch. Also knitting.

3. There is a line between acknowledging the reality of sucky situations (good) and brainwashing yourself into keeping that as normal (bad) and I don't know where that is.

4. My brain really wants a mashup of "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and the House Hippo PSA (and maybe also the #yuletide discord and the hippos there) ... only I don't know how to write that

5. I did a few art-y things but the image upload process here is annoying, bah. (One thing I miss about ravelry is the streamlined image upload.)

I'm having a struggle between wanting to draw more -- easiest at night because I don't have to literally hold the tablet -- and the fact that I have too many games on my tablet.

Several are idle/tycoon style games, which mostly is just checking in once and upgrading things, but sometimes they have time-limited events that call for more frequent attention. Several are "do a few things daily" where there's a streak tracker so I don't want to miss a day. Many, including games in the previously listed categories, have occasional events that grab my attention.

Compounding this: sometimes games/apps get to a stage where if I'm not in their I don't really care, but once I open I get sucked in, either "well it's not much more effort to [do a quest | collect a thing | start production] so I might as well" and/or "oh this limited-availability thing is so cute I have to do the extra stuff to get it"... which means if I try to just do the minimum required effort to keep streaks going, I almost never keep to that.

I go to bed around 6:30 or 7, and 7-8 tends to be "check in briefly on most apps, do NYT crossword, start puzzle page or solitaire", 8-9 is mostly stuff around getting settled into bed for the night, 9-10 is "solitaire run [10 varieties] and puzzle page stuff", 10-11 is "Duolingo and one or two of the idle games", 11-12 is "remaining idle games, finch [mh app] checkin, more solitaire because I seem to be addicted", 12+ is "last check/collection for idle games, convince toddler brain it's time to go to sleep".

...there is no space in there for watching things on my tablet, for doing art, or for reading. Especially since it is easier (and more tempting) to just pop out a few more solitaire games than it is to struggle with my perfectionism and inner critic.

I know I could survive dropping several apps, especially the idle games. They're cute but not really ... I don't know if 'productive' is the right word because fuck productivity culture anyway, but ... having an extra virtual room with cute themed cats (or whatever) doesn't really add much to my life? Even if seeing them gives me a strong 'zomg need' feeling. But I have ridiculous FOMO (what if they do an event with the Best Prize Ever, and I miss it) plus a pathetic feeling that daily streaks are the only 'achievement' I'm really capable of any more.

An obvious answer is to do art during the day, but I really can't use the tablet easily sitting up. Obvious answer B is to spend daytime time in bed drawing, but as it is I'm only "up" for 8 hours as it is, and I find myself really not wanting to reduce that further.

And some of this is probably perfectionism self-sabotage -- "I don't have time to try" means I haven't failed yet, don't have anything for my inner critic to hate.

But. Meh. Don't know how to change ... *waves hand vaguely upwards* ... this

Dream last night had a vibe of sulking childishly because ?? people weren't appreciating me enough? and/or I was not suited for whatever assignment I had, which was something to do with a herd of kids, so I was running away and hiding? ??

Anyway it kind of left my brain in a day-long funk (nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms) that I mostly was able to distract myself from until evening. But then my mom was asking me what-all I do all day (a whole lot of nothing... mornings I do a set handful of games, but then it's mostly reading reddit and/or watching Bones) and my therapist ferreted out a desire to go back to school (which I probably won't because expensive and hard and I don't even have a firm reason), and my evening aide is studying for the dentist test (DAT) and so I went to bed and my brain just unlocked so much blehhhh, because I feel like a nobody and I feel like a waste and I feel like I'm just waiting until things get better (which they won't, my physical condition is only ever going to get worse, and aidewise things are as good as they ever get)

...and telling myself this is just a mood, just something that will pass, doesn't help because yes moods change but my reality is kinda meh

And I psyched myself out of the small amount of art stuff I was doing because these days mostly i follow YouTube tutorials I like, only I saw a "tips for procreate users" video last week that opined that, unless you were trying to master a particular feature, following tutorials was stupid because a) the other person has done all the work of subject and composition and colors and which details to include and which to simplify, and b) at the end you're left with a copy of someone else's art. And I don't entirely agree but now my brain has latched onto "tutorials baaad" and won't let me do one, only I'm not drawing *anything* which is worse, so aaaahhhh

...

...maybe tomorrow will be a better brain day?

one of my caregivers is semi-quitting until the enrollment paperwork gets completed [he went through a different county, on my roommate's suggestion, only it turns out the training doesn't transfer] which won't be until at least january

and I was hoping I could talk my dad into a loan -- pay him privately, to be repaid when he gets paid properly -- but my dads attitude is the delay is his fault

and I'd do it personally but my dad gets mad if I do [he can deduct medical expenses] and anyway I'm a little sulky

but I don't know what to do and I don't have enough people and sometimes I think it'd be easier if I just applied for MAID so I just could stop being stressed and stop being a useless burden

CW food, diet, medical advice

#

Last week I spoke with one of the FOP specialists, an endo in SF, mostly about the flareup but also various other things, both FOP related and endocrinology related. He said among other things that I should consider myself as probably having osteoporosis, because it's common in older FOPers, especially ones who aren't doing any weight-bearing exercise.

He then suggested-- I'm not sure if this was for osteoporosis or for blood sugar or for other things I'm high risk for because sedentary, that I should evaluate my caloric intake and "drop it 5-10% across the board".

...I'm so fucking not doing that.

Should I? Maybe. I don't know. I'd still be at risk of the same shit, and I'd be hangry and miserable. But also it's fucking hard getting myself fed regularly / appropriately; adding in trying to measure calories even with no change would be halfway impossible.

And, like, what I have now isn't vast quantities of all-you-can-eat buffets or whatever. Breakfast is either two eggs with bread (form varies, sometimes includes cheese) or yogurt with granola; lunch is a peanut butter sandwich or similar; dinner is whatever my roommate makes, usually pretty consistent with the "half plate non-starchy veggies, quarter plate carbs, quarter plate lean protein" stuff they've drummed at me for years. I could calorie count the first two if I measured. Dinner is more complicated.

...and the last several days I've also been hungry a lot, both during the day and at night. This could still be prednisone effects, although I'm almost done with the taper, but hungry at night is pretty common for me. I can't get up and snack, and I don't like bothering people, so I've learned to just ignore it.

But the doctors don't know this and don't care. I weigh too much and I can't exercise so the only ~lifestyle~ change is diet.

I want to eat things that are bad for me. Cakes and cookies and brownies and pizza and bread and rice and pasta and butter, things that taste good and fucking satisfy me. I feel childishly petulant that don't even get credit for things I'm doing; it's not good enough, never good enough, unless I lose an "acceptable" amount of weight.

(Sometimes I want to just stop eating, insist I'm not hungry or something, ~don't worry I'm fine~. Except I hate being hungry and I get in rotten moods. I think it's more that choosing to refuse food is one of the few freedoms left.)

CW: food, dieting, self harm

( Read more... )

gah

want my robot body already

Too spoonless to tell this in any entertaining way, but I seem to be having gallbladder issues. Two separate attacks of very severe pain just under the breastbone and radiating to the back, rather like I was being impaled by a spear.

Went to doctor today; she wants me to get an ultrasound, but in the meantime avoid fatty foods, like, y'know, eggs and cheese and peanut butter and ice cream and pizza and stuff.

...all of which I now really want...

Whine.

Also I somehow got extremely saladed out a few weeks ago and have been very resistant to salads since then, which ... really doesn't help.

crying again b/c ~I should be writing~

...conversation on twitter has me remembering back when I was teenagerish and reading, like, All The Things (at least in sff and ya), and wanted to grow up to be A Writer. Not just in the sense of person-who-writes, but someone who wrote books that meant as much to Their Readers as, like, Valdemar or Earthsea or w/e meant to me

and, like

between the physical difficulties with typing, and the crushing pressure I put on writing as the Last Decent Legitimate Career Option available to me?

I can't even finish *fanfic* any more, let alone anything publishable

I am never going to be A Writer

and that just

hurts

and it feels like I'm letting down ... everyone, really, but especially younger me

A thing I saw on Twitter has me writing again -- fuck knows how long it's been -- but I'd forgotten how hard writing is. I don't just mean in the usual sense, though there's that too. I mean the physical act. I'd forgotten, by which I mean I'd avoided thinking about the fact that what keeps me quiet on my blog would apply doubly to stories.

I can't hand write (that's been the case for years). I haven't figured out a good way to type on a standard keyboard, so writing on the computer is done via mouse and on-screen keyboard. Slow and prone to typos. On the phone I'm faster but there's still lots of errors and autocarrot issues. And on the tablet, which I'm currently using, it's old enough that it has issues recognizing taps sometimes. Which means that I have to type basically twice as much.

For example, the opening line

Truth is as liquid as the ocean, and twice as deceptive.

actually involves this amount of key-jabbing, using \ to indicate backspace and leaving (usually auto fixed) typos un-corrected:

Truth\\uuutth is as iwuid\\\\\ lllliquid as tge\\he ovean, annnnnnnnd fwice as deceotiiive

...which is slow and frustrating and actually not good for *getting words out*.

But hey, I have the opening (checks) five paragraphs, and it only took half an hour.

February is sucking so hard, so far.

Sunday night: aide called in sick. I got her shifts covered.

Monday: *deep breath* lessee. A different aide let me know she can't do Thursday nights any more. I had the *stupidest ever* appointment that required an hour total of driving, and fifteen minutes of waiting, just so that they could confirm that my cpap machine, which has been giving "motor life exceeded" errors, had in fact exceeded the recommended motor life. (It's normally replaced every five years, and I'm 9 months short of that, but I'm in bed 14-16 hours most days, and the cpap is running the whole time.) They didn't replace it (this was one step in the process of getting an early replacement) but it was complete BS.

And then there's the Chess saga, wherein he had to go in for surgery for intestinal blockage that turned out to be a *foot long stick* wtf I can't even fathom how he got that down. And while they were doing the surgery they discovered that it had rotated in a bad direction and punctured his stomach. So ... not good. He stayed in ICU overnight, and will be in the hospital a few more days, but full recovery will take longer. He IS doing better now, eating and wagging his tail and rolling over for belly rubs and generally charming everyone there.

(The trainer feels horrible about this, which on the one hand I can completely understand, and puppies will puppy and things happen and she didn't do this on purpose, but there's also a part of me that's like "(grumpycat) GOOD", because augh. SHE BROKE MY DOG, only not really, and he IS healing and it will be okay, but... yeah. And of course this is not going to be cheap (per the contract, she covers basic vet stuff and wellness checks and shots, but we cover any emergency issues) but more I'm just ... flaaaaail.

And Monkey has a UTI and has to get oral antibiotics, which means she's spending lots of time in impossible-to-reach places; and Yahtzee has something going on with his eye that needs him to go to an animal ophthalmologist. Both of which are technically January things but they're affecting February. And the ophthalmology guy my vet recommended had an appointment at 9:30 Friday morning, and is otherwise booked for a month out (the Friday thing was a cancellation), but he's half an hour away WITHOUT factoring in traffic, so I'm going to have to get up hella early compared to my usual.

Today: Got an email from Netflix that was all "we have changed your email as requested; you will no longer be able to use (email) to sign in. If you didn’t request this, click here to contact us". Felt very phishing-y, so I didn’t click on anything in the email. But I did go to sign in just to make sure I still could. And ... "we couldn't find an account with that email address". So I had to call them (still not clicking the email link because paranoid, but found their contact info a different way) and after confirming the last 4 digits of credit card to prove it was me, they changed my email back and sent me a reset-password link. Did that and also linked up my phone as a secondary source of authentication. But fuck, have no idea how someone got into my Netflix account...

...

I ... may be consuming rather a lot of sugar and carbs, the last few days. Stress eating. Not good for my body probably, but good for my mental health.

I'd really like things to *stop sucking*.

...why is update a word br downdate isn't?

Anyway.

1. Hit 1000 day streak in Duolingo (!], which also means that -- given my previous streaks -- I've done more than 2k total days (!!). That's a lot. ...of course, two days later i missed a day, but streak freeze caught that one. Still, I'm likely to lose it st some point.

2. The book I was hate reading? I finished it and kind of wish I hadn't. CW abuse:

( Read more... )

Needless to say, I don't recommend it.

2b. (Or not 2b, that is the question) -- er, I mean, one good thing is that the book has resparked my interest in working on the 50 Shades of Ace project (aka rewriting fsog with sensible characters and an ace protagonist who discovers that she loves kink).

3. I tried listening to the audiobook I have checked out from the library, but the narrator is the same guy that does the version of Watership Down that I utterly adore, to the point of listening to it a ton of times. IF's my default going-to-sleep hook, because soothing narrator and a story I know well that's nicely compartmentalized so it doesn't matter if I drift in and out. And I keep having this brain short listening to this other one *because he's not narrating rabbits aaahhhhh*. I may have to read that book instead of listening, lol.

4. My self-imposed yarn diet (because I have way more yarn than I could ever use) is conflicting with my need buy rainbow yarn. (I have only one rainbow skein and it's gone missing along with the partial shawl. I think the black widows stole it.) Also, someone on rav is making various queer sea creatures for pride season -- octobi, genderflusquid, pridetopus -- and one of the ones is an aceopus, and now I have a mighty need to make one. Though *that* I can scrounge up yarn for (grey white black purple).

5. At what point does feeling like I'm drowning in life crises stop becoming an acknowledgment of stressful reality and start becoming a crutch? Asking for a friend.

6. Mark Harmon is pretty. I've been rewatching NCIS -- not so much a binge as ragged uneven spurts -- and i am very 😍 at Gibbs. Very aesthetically pleasing.

7. There is apparently a new Men In Black movie, starring Thor and the Valkyrie. The trailer makes it look astoundingly stupid. I think I will rewatch the original mib instead.

chair is still not fixed

don't have aides yet (and the one that's quitting has her last shift wednesday, plus the one that isn't having cataract surgery in the next couple weeks)

my brain is alternately BSOD-ing with anxiety and diving into defeatism and suicidal ideation

(disclaimer: I am physically safe & have a support team. but sometimes I just want to give up and let the brainweasels win)

Pretty sure the universe hates me right now.

Point: my chair is semi broken. Last week I went to go somewhere and *couldn't get out of the van* because motor 2 was disconnected. It took 45 minutes and two (strong) people to get me out -- luckily once I got back inside, the chair started behaving again, but I am afraid to go anywhere in case I get stuck, either in the van again or outside someplace. The theory is that something in the right-side motor is loose/worn enough that the disengage lever slips out of fully locked. (Which also means it's totally unrelated to the joystick falling off earlier.) They've ordered new parts but this tends to be the sort of thing that, based on delivery times, is handmade by Tibetan unicorns in the light of a full moon and then shipped via narcoleptic yak.

It's been a week, and so far I've missed a book group discussion that only meets every other month, reiki, choir rehearsal, soul collage, and I forgot what else but fuck. Also all three pets had vet appointments, so my aide had to go be my proxy.

Point: my brain feels like it has somehow short-circuited because stress and because I don't know if the chair will die completely or when it will be fixed. i can't focus on anything or do anything or ... anything.

Point: the aide that was leaving at the end of the month? Apparently the other client needs her sooner so as of Monday she can't work for me in the afternoons. She's still doing her two morning shifts through the end of feb, but not the three afternoon ones. I found this out tonight.

Point: the power went out at around midnight and stayed out for two hours. Something was beeping. My bed (alternating air pressure mattress) requires power. My cpap requires power. My fan requires power. Too hot and uncomfortable to sleep. And I couldn't even distract myself with Netflix because internet requires power (and while I do have videos on my iPad, I didn't want to drain the battery down and have nothing, if the power stayed out). I got the cpap hoses disconnected so I could breathe (it is very awkward and stifling to try to breathe through the filters and stuff when it's unpowered) ... but then when the power came back on couldn't get it connected again (partly hecause the hose attached to my face mask isn't quite long enough for me to hold well, partly because I can't bring my hands together) so I had to wake my roommate up. Which is, granted, one of the reasons she's here, but I still hate doing it.

Point: it is ::squints at clock:: 3:30 and I am not asleep and my brain doesn't want to go to sleep (it's like a very small toddler, just less mobile). I'm also hungry and craving sugar, but I haven't figured out a way to eat stuff in bed, and anyway shouldn't be having a lot of sugar, though I'm thinking of saying fuck it and just gorging on chocolate tomorrow, because who fucking cares if it's healthy, give me all the sugars.

I seem to be in Crud Relapse... I was mildly sick with lung congestion, then seemed to be getting better, now I'm pretty sure there's a hedgehog shoved ass-first into the lower part of my sinuses (adenoid area). Rather like this:

( Read more... )

It's less fun than it sounds.

::sulk::

There is a trope common to both horror movies and creature-features where the protagonist(s) huddle in an enclosed space like a room or car, and the bad thing -- axe murderer, zombies, demon, evil force, velociraptor, mutant wolf-rhino-mammoth hybrid, whatever -- is very definitely outside. Maybe it's crashing around in brute-force attempts; maybe it's rattling doors or windows, looking for a way in; maybe there's just slow ominous footsteps as it circles.The protagonists do what they can -- locking doors, bracing with their bodies if necessary, barricading entrances -- but they know, and the viewer knows, that it is only an illusion of safety. That they are at best trapped; that it's a guaranteed inevitability the thing will find a way in: a forgotten coal chute or a high window or a weak spot, or just waiting until the protagonist is sleeping/distracted, or ... eventually, somehow, it will get in.

That's how my depression feels right now.

Last night? At the first whiff of I-hate-myself thoughts, I said "not today" and barricaded the mental door. And it worked -- for a whole five minutes. Like some malevolent force in a horror movie, it just doubled down. Tripled. Quadrupled, maybe.

Inevitable.

I started the night watching a Netflix movie as distraction, figuring I'd get sleepy halfway through. I didn't. The middle of the night downgraded to random Facebook videos in a desperate and futile attempt to avoid the crying meltdown that broke at around 4am. I eventually listened to an audiobook for long enough to calm down and sleep for what remained of the night.

I am ok in the sense that I am not in any danger; in most other senses I am not ok. Just good at pretending otherwise.

depression very high right now. smothered in a blanket of lead and ice.

sorry i haven't kept up with reading / commenting -- i love you guys, i just am sucky friend right now.

...sorry.

otoh, I managed to actually write -- not much, just a snippet, because Arrival is burrowing into my brain -- ( spoilers for The Arrival ) -- which i'm pretty sure is the most writing i've done all year. woo?

Crossposts: http://isabeau.livejournal.com/1541383.html

I am also fucking pissed off at my cpap right now. Not the cpap itself, but the harness that holds it in place. Because -- okay, context of my sleep setup. I have a sling set up underneath me in bed that can be strapped to the lift so I can shift position some during the night. Bottom of the sling is at the crease of my knees; top of the sling comes to the top of my head. This is the ideal positioning. If I hook up just the bottom half, I can raise up to take pressure off my butt and feet and knees. If I hook up the top half as well, I raise up into more of a vertical angle, and it also does some nice curving thing to my spine so that when I lower back down my spine crackles and feels better.

But the cpap has headgear that's a series of straps to hold the nose piece actually in my nose. And the straps get pressed into my scalp by the sling. And sometimes, I swear to bob, the strap is made of a jagged lump of rock, because that's what it felt like tonight.

I think the sling is actually a smidge higher than usual -- it isn't always a problem, at least not this bad of one. And the sling is up at the top of my head, rather than in the middle of my head. I think most of the time we manage to get the sling positioned so that it's not low enough to hurt (with the edge cutting into the back of my neck) and not high enough to hurt (interfering with the cpap strap). But not tonight, of ducking course not tonight.

Solution one, repositioning the sling, would basically require getting me out of bed and then back in. Way too much fuss.

Solution two, unhooking the top straps, would normally be an option, but tonight I'm paranoid about nausea. (I sleep on my back. I literally cannot roll over or turn my head. Vomiting is bad. I have done it once successfully but there is high risk of aspiration. Calling my roommate in to get me up takes time that I might not have. With the top half of the sling hooked up. I can get myself to a 45 ish angle, which is so much better than flat on my back.) Probably nothing will happen -- I don't have a viral thing, and I think the problem earlier today was that my stomach was just too empty. But paranoid. So no go.

Solution three, moving the cpap strap a bit, might work. But it might not. And if it didn't, I'd end up in agony at 2am but not wanting to wake up my roommate because I'm weird.

Solution four is sleeping without the cpap.

I went with that for tonight but I just want to start bawling (again). It feels somehow like giving up, and I sleep way better with the cpap, and crappy sleep is not something I need right now. But it's what I get.

Crossposts: http://isabeau.livejournal.com/1503094.html

TW: depression and suicidal ideation

( also crappy images )

Crossposts: http://isabeau.livejournal.com/1458329.html

... not coping particularly well right now. need to whine.

( Read more... )

Crossposts: http://isabeau.livejournal.com/1434253.html

Whyyy do I let myself go shopping with my mom augh

I mean, okay, I know why. It's because I can't go alone (even places that I can get to alone, I can't reach anything at all, even shelves at my height or the stack of baskets or whatever), and I don't always have PAs on duty, and so going with my mom is the only way to get stuff

but

( I am feeling ranty )

I kind of want to scream, or punch things, or something

and then walking back my thoughts devolved into ( pseudo-poetry about limitations )

Crossposts: http://isabeau.livejournal.com/1408270.html

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i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Entries tagged with would i like cheese with that whine

Miscellany

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bad brain day

fuckity

Hangry

Disentangling

Oh goody, more medical shenanigans

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Gah. Stoppit.

Updates

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still alive... I think

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And a last last straw

state of me = bleh

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May 2025

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