i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Mild tmi warning for bodily function discussion.

( Read more... )

So, dress rehearsal tonight for choir concert tomorrow. Kind of important.

About ten minutes in, I get brief stabbing pain in my stomach, and then a few minutes later, waves of abdominal pain. Not quite "I'm going to throw up from the pain" levels, but "plan route out of here just in case I do need to throw up".

It is really fucking hard to sing -- which involves diaphragm support and, yanno, abdominal muscles -- when it feels like something is stabbing you in the abdomen.

( tmi somewhat )

So it's been (slightly more than) a week since the Mohs procedure. Nose is healing; the biggest problem has been itchiness.

In case anyone wants photos, go to the second cut (the first is "spoiler" space for anyone viewing the entry directly).

( space, the final front nose )

( pics )

urgh

bowels decided to threaten to explode (assplode?) in agony ... *after* morning aide left

(and I don't just mean urgency, we're talking sobbing-and-hyperventilating agony on top of urgency, like there's a bowling ball in there)

of the aides that live close, one "almost cut my finger off last night, i can come do it one-handed, or if (other aide) can do it i should probably go get stitches if it's not too late"

(...)

other aide is at IHSS orientation so she can get paid

stepmom is driving me to an appointment today, so I asked if she could come early

"earliest I could do is noon but 12:15 would be better"

that's when we need to leave

"oh right"

...sob

and some people think "woe I can't walk" is the worst part of being disabled and in a wheelchair ...

... is trying to kill me making me miserable. Possible tmi alert, though not too much.

( stuff )

TMI alert: discussion of bathroom-related bodily functions and related shame/esteem issues.

( yaah. )

but I'm not quite sure. so here, have some updates.

beading with respect to crochet: works a lot better with a) appropriately sized beads, and b) dental floss. (seriously. Oral B has a "superfloss" thing that is basically pieces of floss with a stiff segment at the tip, which is theoretically designed for braces but works quite well for getting beads onto yarn.) finished the fingerless gloves (rav link) and am in limbo about what to tackle next.

computer argh: iTunes is being stupid and insisting that I only have fifteen tracks (all stuff purchased through itunes), zero playlists, four movies, one app (none of the paid ones though), etc. Am running a recovery thing to get the stuff off my iPad; at the moment the playlists that have transfered over are oddly stunted and out of order, no clue if they will stay that way.

body stuff: pain sucks. so do digestive issues (( tmi )) and lack-of-spoon issues and depression issues and woe etc.

new obsession: puzzles & dragons (iOS/android game). bejeweled + pokemon, basically. I still haven't totally figured out how the power-ups and evolves work, and a lot of the info out there is in Japanese, and stuff, but it is addicting. and free (though you can of course buy gems for stuff) but not in the obnoxious way that facebook/g+ games tend to be (spam all your friends! you cannot progress unless you do!)

writing: zilch. my muse seems to be on extended holiday or something. :(

religiosity: easter is a-coming, which is giving me thinky thoughts, but I don't know if I can really articulate them (and don't know if anyone would care even if I did, or if it would be just "lol let me shove the dominant religion in your face")

to sum up: hhhngggg. /clings to flist/

One of these days I will shut up about bodily functions.

That day is not today.

*grin*

( babble )

* got woken up this morning by ( body tmi whee ) -- so totally not the best way to start a month :(

* realized that my tcro kept getting tighter and tighter, to the point where I was wrestling with it to try to get the hook in the right place, and also to pass things through on the return pass. am trying to make a conscious effort to loosen up, which makes things easier but the loop sizes are so totally irregular that it practically gives me hives. (and then I have to laugh at myself because OMG the first project I do in a craft is not perfect what is the world coming to!!!11 and I tell myself that a crappy first project gives me room to improve)

* really really really am missing cross-stitch. (the tcro is almost making it worse because so many info sources like to point out how tss [tunisian simple stitch] makes a most excellent gridded fabric for cross-stitching onto. which it does, but augh not helping.) I have not given up hope that there is a way to figure out how I can do it, but there are numerous obstacles and I don't know if they all can be overcome.

(and the really fine intricate stuff that I loved doing is probably improbable, even with adaptations -- if nothing else, /seeing/ the teeny-weeny stitches with non-teenagery eyes (and no ability to hold it close to my face) is unlikely -- which makes me saaaaad)

* also am missing writing. and missing having more ideas than I can shake a stick at.

* on the bright side, have figured out that the impulse to buy yarn comes not so much from needing yarn (my stash has been breeding anyway) as from needing ... I don't know that I can describe it. the possibility of having a new thing to start? it's not even a matter of starting a new project, although that's part of it. idek. but it helps me resist the urge to buy yarn I don't need.

(which is of course not the same as the urge to buy yarn that I *do* need :D )

* there is so much that I want to do but a combination of physical inability and depressive unmotivation make it ... kind of difficult. whine.

Last night, I found out where all my spoons were vanishing to. ( female tmi )

#

I want to take a language class, but there are very few places around that offer what I want. One of the local community college satellite sites offers Spanish, which is of mild interest but the semester's already started, and then Korean and Farsi, neither of which are high on my list. The other transportation-viable community colleges generally don't offer languages at all.

The local university offers a shitton, and even if I rule out the ones that only exist as 8am and 9am classes, I'd still have to make a decision on which to take (German and Russian are out of the picture because of time, and my weird-ass preferences have me deciding between French and Latin and Japanese), except that they don't allow non-students to register for classes. (I asked, and the registrar office basically said "nope, but there's always the continuing education program", which, of course, doesn't offer languages.)

I've tried learning languages on my own, I've /tried/ -- with German (which I still have subconscious groundwork for), with Bulgarian (which I still can't construct a sentence in except for song lyrics of things I used to sing), a long time ago with Japanese (I got hirigana and katakana down to the point of sounding out words with what's probably a horrible accent, but not much farther).

It doesn't work, and maybe it would if I tried harder, but I also keep remembering one year in junior high when I was self-studying German because the class conflicted with another class I needed, and I was horribly behind and couldn't conjugate to save my life.

I don't know. I want to learn, I really do, but I can't do it myself.

#

Writing right now is mainly focused on the mer_ficathon story (which is turning into a random Little Mermaid fusion with bonus shark!Erik), which has a couple hundred words and then about 1k of story note scribbling and a lot of mental imagery that amuses the hell out of me) and the Fic of Doom.

Now, see, I'm sort of used to having kinkmeme fills be longer than I expect. But this one is 7k words with no end in sight.

To put this in perspective, my longest finished XMFC fic (Mosaic) is a bit over 6k words. Second longest is about 6k but was co-written so I can only claim half of the words. Third is a bit over 2k.

To put this in broader perspective, of the fic I have up on AO3, the longest (which felt like a mountain even though I wasn't having any writer's block issues whatsoever) is 15k, second longest is 10k, third is 7k, and Mosaic is fourth.

The Fic of Doom is already in third place and I have no clue how much more there is to write.

(and yes, that doesn't include fic not up on AO3, but I think that hardly matters. Did a brief spot check of my SPN fic, which is the bulk of what's not on AO3, and it's all under 5k apiece. They Who Knew The Storm is just under 3k. Dark Sacred Nights is 4.6k. Wednesday's Child is under 1k. Purgatory is 2.5k. Most of the rest are 1k at best.)

#

I've noticed, lately, that my ability to type correctly has gotten rather ... bad. Some of that is due to the fact that I'm only touch-typing with one hand (my right hand is using a backscratcher to hit keys with; I /could/ get the keyboard in position to type but it's rather awkward and also leaves no room for the mouse where I can reach it), and it's fairly easy to hit the wrong keys, or hit extra keys, with no tactile feedback for half of what you're doing.

But some of it is just /baffling/. It's not mistyping, it's miswording; it's spelling things wrong, and (far worse) it's not even noticing. And not just in context of chats or comments or whatever, where there's more leniency.

The most recent fic I put up on AO3 went up August 21st. It took me until today to notice that there was a very blatant misspelling in the fucking title.

(And fixing it was kind of an illustration of how it's gotten for me [as is the fact that I just typed "gotton"]. The word as I had misspelled it was "Tommorws". The intended outcome was "Tomorrows". The evolution -- and I don't mean the keystrokes, but the times when I paused and thought I was done and went 'wait no that doesn't look right' -- was Tommorws → Tommows → Tommorows → Tomorows → Tomorrows.

I used to be good at knowing how words were spelt.

I don't know what happened.

#

ETA: Got my XMFC dvd. This is a happy thing. What is not so much of a happy thing is that it's very bare-bones. The movie is there. There are two making-of-type extras, which have some cute moments (including James and Michael mock-sparring) but are probably going to end up on youtube anyway. And there's two non-XMFC things, a vague surreal anti-smoking PSA, and How To Download The Digital Copy, In Excruciatingly Dull Detail Including Multiple Close-Ups Of This Bizarre Thing Called A "USB" "plug".

That's it.

No commentary (from anyone), no deleted scenes, no gag reel, nothing.

Just the movie.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like having the movie. But I wanted more, dammit. And if they come out in six months with a "Collectors Edition" that has things like commentary and deleted scenes and other fun goodies, I think I will scream.