i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

I'm having a struggle between wanting to draw more -- easiest at night because I don't have to literally hold the tablet -- and the fact that I have too many games on my tablet.

Several are idle/tycoon style games, which mostly is just checking in once and upgrading things, but sometimes they have time-limited events that call for more frequent attention. Several are "do a few things daily" where there's a streak tracker so I don't want to miss a day. Many, including games in the previously listed categories, have occasional events that grab my attention.

Compounding this: sometimes games/apps get to a stage where if I'm not in their I don't really care, but once I open I get sucked in, either "well it's not much more effort to [do a quest | collect a thing | start production] so I might as well" and/or "oh this limited-availability thing is so cute I have to do the extra stuff to get it"... which means if I try to just do the minimum required effort to keep streaks going, I almost never keep to that.

I go to bed around 6:30 or 7, and 7-8 tends to be "check in briefly on most apps, do NYT crossword, start puzzle page or solitaire", 8-9 is mostly stuff around getting settled into bed for the night, 9-10 is "solitaire run [10 varieties] and puzzle page stuff", 10-11 is "Duolingo and one or two of the idle games", 11-12 is "remaining idle games, finch [mh app] checkin, more solitaire because I seem to be addicted", 12+ is "last check/collection for idle games, convince toddler brain it's time to go to sleep".

...there is no space in there for watching things on my tablet, for doing art, or for reading. Especially since it is easier (and more tempting) to just pop out a few more solitaire games than it is to struggle with my perfectionism and inner critic.

I know I could survive dropping several apps, especially the idle games. They're cute but not really ... I don't know if 'productive' is the right word because fuck productivity culture anyway, but ... having an extra virtual room with cute themed cats (or whatever) doesn't really add much to my life? Even if seeing them gives me a strong 'zomg need' feeling. But I have ridiculous FOMO (what if they do an event with the Best Prize Ever, and I miss it) plus a pathetic feeling that daily streaks are the only 'achievement' I'm really capable of any more.

An obvious answer is to do art during the day, but I really can't use the tablet easily sitting up. Obvious answer B is to spend daytime time in bed drawing, but as it is I'm only "up" for 8 hours as it is, and I find myself really not wanting to reduce that further.

And some of this is probably perfectionism self-sabotage -- "I don't have time to try" means I haven't failed yet, don't have anything for my inner critic to hate.

But. Meh. Don't know how to change ... *waves hand vaguely upwards* ... this

CW aging pet and brainweasels thereof. (He's ok, my brain is an AH)

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I keep feeling like Phoebe deserves better. Deserves someone who's out of bed more and able to go places and do things and just ... be more fun. I have a small apartment and a small life and I feel hopelessly ashamed that she's stuck here with me. She deserves more

and I can't even take care of her, can't brush her or check her ears or check her paws; even things like cleaning out her ears and clipping nails and picking up poop. it's what I have aides for but it's also unfair to my aides and to P to add more into the mix.

I just. Why is it all I can see is my deficiencies?

Was having a good day (nice and quiet)

not very Xmas-y; im feeling very ambivalent about it, because reasons (discomfort with the way Christianity is aggressively dominant) and other reasons (the irony of singing every year about a baby who will save the world when the world just gets worse every year, and of lyrics like "born that we no more may die" during a ducking pandemic) and also exhaustion

and then ... my mom got extremely needy.

too tired to type up full saga right now but she couldn't find the link to online services, then when I didn't answer immediately (I was going to bed) sent a bunch of "hello? Hello????? Are you there?? Is your phone off?? Hello?????" texts, then just kind of got worse. And she's always needy but this just hit hard somehow, and I wanted to scream or burst into tears or both. I spent like 30 minutes trying to dissect my feelings

(is that a thing? working out exactly why you're upset and exactly what is irritating you and judging whether it's "legitimate enough"? I have no clue if it's normal, or adhd-ish, or spectrum-ish, or some sort of trauma response, or just me)

and feeling like my anger itself was fragile, like it was a very thin cover for something deeper that I didn't want to deal with

and then i said fuck it, muted my text notifications, and took an edible

+++

tomorrow is ... on the one hand I'm happily not going to my dad's for the same reason as not doing thanksgiving only more so (all of my stepsibs are coming in, plus a wife and baby, plus a boyfriend, and of this horde only one is vaccinated) but on the other hand that means I'm doing stuff with my mom. (Keeping today for myself was hard enough. My mom would be very passive aggressively resentful about being alone on Xmas and so it's easier to give in). Theoretically we're watching Hamilton, or at least the first half, but who the fuck knows.

Feeling very Not Myself today... partly a migraine hangover from yesterday, partly one of those days where little things kept going wrong, partly I don't even know what. Very crappy mood, sort of angrily despair-hate for no reason. Stuff that's similar to brainweasels I get but on steroids and just kind of Off. Spent the day half crying half reading (books not Twitter for a change). I wanted to just turn myself off until tomorrow. Like I'd gotten up wrong somehow. (The fact that 2/3 of today's shifts were a caregiver I don't particularly like and find annoying but can't afford to not have her, didn't help.)

Are there, like, medical reasons why moods can tank abruptly? Like, I know utis in old people can present like dementia. Or maybe it's just migraine exhaustion idk. Bet if I checked WebMD it'd suggest brain bleed and/or hangnail...

It's wildfire season, which means horrible air quality. It is low-key snowing ash right now.

And ... cw for holocaust stuff

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Also one of my cats (Monkey, the older one) has been peeing on the couch and it doesn't seem likely that it's a UTI (I took her to vet yesterday and they did a culture) but possibly interstitial cystitis. And I don't want to have to deal with this. I know cats get older and this sort of thing comes with the territory, but why can't she stay six years old forever.

There is a trope common to both horror movies and creature-features where the protagonist(s) huddle in an enclosed space like a room or car, and the bad thing -- axe murderer, zombies, demon, evil force, velociraptor, mutant wolf-rhino-mammoth hybrid, whatever -- is very definitely outside. Maybe it's crashing around in brute-force attempts; maybe it's rattling doors or windows, looking for a way in; maybe there's just slow ominous footsteps as it circles.The protagonists do what they can -- locking doors, bracing with their bodies if necessary, barricading entrances -- but they know, and the viewer knows, that it is only an illusion of safety. That they are at best trapped; that it's a guaranteed inevitability the thing will find a way in: a forgotten coal chute or a high window or a weak spot, or just waiting until the protagonist is sleeping/distracted, or ... eventually, somehow, it will get in.

That's how my depression feels right now.

Last night? At the first whiff of I-hate-myself thoughts, I said "not today" and barricaded the mental door. And it worked -- for a whole five minutes. Like some malevolent force in a horror movie, it just doubled down. Tripled. Quadrupled, maybe.

Inevitable.

I started the night watching a Netflix movie as distraction, figuring I'd get sleepy halfway through. I didn't. The middle of the night downgraded to random Facebook videos in a desperate and futile attempt to avoid the crying meltdown that broke at around 4am. I eventually listened to an audiobook for long enough to calm down and sleep for what remained of the night.

I am ok in the sense that I am not in any danger; in most other senses I am not ok. Just good at pretending otherwise.

This is kind of stupid, but

I'm watching a movie with James Macavoy

and getting super nostalgic about, like, early xmfc fandom and all the feels and stuff

and, like, I can't get back to that -- for one thing the follow up movies, half of which I haven't even seen, changed the landscape of the fandom; for another, there isn't the same enthusiasm that there was; for a third I can't fucking write any more -- and it just

I can't tell how much of my heartache right now is because of the Doomed Romance Of Charles And Erik (and how very pretty James looks when his character is Having Feelings) and how much is because I used to be so much better

The last couple of days have been ... miserable.

Yesterday I got tired of my iPad (which I mostly use in bed) nagging me about updating the iOS, so I backed it up and then tried to update. Which required updating iTunes first, rebooting the computer, and *then* doing the iPad update.

...except it wouldn't. It stalled out and gave error 2003, and meanwhile the iPad was stuck in recovery mode, therefore unusable.

Cue google searches and various unsuccessful attempts to get it working.

Three hours later, literally in tears, I called Apple support, who said that 2003 was an odd error message (it was in the range of USB errors but not one of the usual ones. He suggested rebooting the computer ... which of course decided that was the perfect time to apply updates ... and when it finally got in my control and I went into iTunes, updating of course still didn't work, so he said maybe try a different cord, or else bring it in to an Apple Store for help.

...the closest Apple Store (I have no idea why my autocarrot is capitalizing that) is in Sacramento.

I didn't have a spare cord.

My dad probably did, but wouldn't have been able to come until today. And while some usage of the iPad is optional (reading, Netflix, games, etc) i really really need music to help me get to sleep, since it gives me something other than brainweasels to listen to. And boy howdy were the 'weasels active, because of how "I" fucked up the iPad.

At this point -- around 8pm, well after I'm usually in bed (because it's way more comfortable than sitting upright) -- I was pretty much in meltdown, and hating myself for it, because it’s such a first world problem and most people sleep perfectly fine without iPads. Not that hating myself did anything helpful like stop me from crying.

My evening aide offered to have her ... er, gentleman friend ... run out to Walmart (which is about 25min drive away but it's open 24/7) and pick up some cords. I was desperate enough to say yes; and of course I couldn't go to bed because I needed to be able to sync up the iPad once the cords got here, and there was a good chance it would require my Apple ID password.

Hour (and some chocolate) later, cords arrive. And they work. But at this point the iPad is fucked up enough that it required full reset to factory defaults and then restoring from backup.

OS installs correctly. Backup requires my password, then starts ...

...time remaining: one hour.

:sob:

I finally got to bed at 11:30, and then had to do all the stupid "new"-iPad setup before I could get to the music. Plus I was in post-meltdown crap mode that "naturally" included suicidal ideation and then hating myself for getting that upset over a stupid tablet.

It was maybe 2:30 before I got completely to sleep.

...meanwhile, to add insult to injury, the yarn I was using for the newest project wasn't enough to complete the project, and the sensible thing is to start over with a different green yarn that I have, but I really just wanted more of the yarn I was already using. So I did end up ordering it today as a reward for surviving yesterday. It’s stupid but at least the thing I’m making will be cute. (its a cactus bunny. I am in a cactusy mood.(

Today hasn’t been fun. I’m more tired than usual, and kind of in meltdown hangover. And not all of my games are behaving; one is treating me like a new player, and I tried logging in with the various sets of passwords I use for mobile games in combination with the three emails I might have used but nothing worked. It’s not one I spent money on, so I could theoretically just start over, but losing progress and starting over is just ... discouraging.

(And there’s one game I still miss that flat out won’t work in os11 because the app is too old and un~updated. There’s a different app with a similar concept but instead of being a daily free puzzle it’s done as packs, some free and some that you buy, and it’s just less fun that way. Sulk.)

Annual "avoid the internet (except for Ravelry and thinkgeek) day" is much easier to do when Loki spends so much time on me. I spend much of the day either tilted back as a catbed, or upright but avoiding the desk (because Loki wants to investigate it). I may try to find containers for the various yarns (so he can't eat them) and gadgets (so he can't knock them off) and give him desk access. Then again he'd probably just lie on the keyboard...

I'm not getting any crochet or knitting done though. Haven't been able to do anything yarns since the shamrock I did for st Patrick's day. When yarnstuff is the main "productive" thing I have (my brain is puritanically obsessed with being Productive), and I can't do it, I feel kind of bleh.

Yahtzee, possibly jealous of the attention Loki is getting, threw up this morning. Woo. I'm not taking him in to the vet unless he has continued problems, but. This was something I didn't need.

Anyway.

Happy April, happy Passover, happy Easter to those who celebrate. I aten't dead (despite depression badness right now).