Miscellany

Dec. 27th, 2024 03:51 pm
ysobel: (Default)
1. Realization: my perfectionism may be an ocd-ish thing (a belief that being perfect prevents bad shit from happening) ... which is self-reinforcing because life includes bad shit and also me being perfect is impossible

2. I miss being able to do counted cross stitch. Also knitting.

3. There is a line between acknowledging the reality of sucky situations (good) and brainwashing yourself into keeping that as normal (bad) and I don't know where that is.

4. My brain really wants a mashup of "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and the House Hippo PSA (and maybe also the #yuletide discord and the hippos there) ... only I don't know how to write that

5. I did a few art-y things but the image upload process here is annoying, bah. (One thing I miss about ravelry is the streamlined image upload.)
ysobel: (Default)
I'm having a struggle between wanting to draw more -- easiest at night because I don't have to literally hold the tablet -- and the fact that I have too many games on my tablet.

Several are idle/tycoon style games, which mostly is just checking in once and upgrading things, but sometimes they have time-limited events that call for more frequent attention. Several are "do a few things daily" where there's a streak tracker so I don't want to miss a day. Many, including games in the previously listed categories, have occasional events that grab my attention.

Compounding this: sometimes games/apps get to a stage where if I'm not in their I don't really care, but once I open I get sucked in, either "well it's not much more effort to [do a quest | collect a thing | start production] so I might as well" and/or "oh this limited-availability thing is so cute I have to do the extra stuff to get it"... which means if I try to just do the minimum required effort to keep streaks going, I almost never keep to that.

I go to bed around 6:30 or 7, and 7-8 tends to be "check in briefly on most apps, do NYT crossword, start puzzle page or solitaire", 8-9 is mostly stuff around getting settled into bed for the night, 9-10 is "solitaire run [10 varieties] and puzzle page stuff", 10-11 is "Duolingo and one or two of the idle games", 11-12 is "remaining idle games, finch [mh app] checkin, more solitaire because I seem to be addicted", 12+ is "last check/collection for idle games, convince toddler brain it's time to go to sleep".

...there is no space in there for watching things on my tablet, for doing art, or for reading. Especially since it is easier (and more tempting) to just pop out a few more solitaire games than it is to struggle with my perfectionism and inner critic.

I know I could survive dropping several apps, especially the idle games. They're cute but not really ... I don't know if 'productive' is the right word because fuck productivity culture anyway, but ... having an extra virtual room with cute themed cats (or whatever) doesn't really add much to my life? Even if seeing them gives me a strong 'zomg need' feeling. But I have ridiculous FOMO (what if they do an event with the Best Prize Ever, and I miss it) plus a pathetic feeling that daily streaks are the only 'achievement' I'm really capable of any more.

An obvious answer is to do art during the day, but I really can't use the tablet easily sitting up. Obvious answer B is to spend daytime time in bed drawing, but as it is I'm only "up" for 8 hours as it is, and I find myself really not wanting to reduce that further.

And some of this is probably perfectionism self-sabotage -- "I don't have time to try" means I haven't failed yet, don't have anything for my inner critic to hate.

But. Meh. Don't know how to change ... *waves hand vaguely upwards* ... this
ysobel: (bleah)
Dream last night had a vibe of sulking childishly because ?? people weren't appreciating me enough? and/or I was not suited for whatever assignment I had, which was something to do with a herd of kids, so I was running away and hiding? ??

Anyway it kind of left my brain in a day-long funk (nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms) that I mostly was able to distract myself from until evening. But then my mom was asking me what-all I do all day (a whole lot of nothing... mornings I do a set handful of games, but then it's mostly reading reddit and/or watching Bones) and my therapist ferreted out a desire to go back to school (which I probably won't because expensive and hard and I don't even have a firm reason), and my evening aide is studying for the dentist test (DAT) and so I went to bed and my brain just unlocked so much blehhhh, because I feel like a nobody and I feel like a waste and I feel like I'm just waiting until things get better (which they won't, my physical condition is only ever going to get worse, and aidewise things are as good as they ever get)

...and telling myself this is just a mood, just something that will pass, doesn't help because yes moods change but my reality is kinda meh

And I psyched myself out of the small amount of art stuff I was doing because these days mostly i follow YouTube tutorials I like, only I saw a "tips for procreate users" video last week that opined that, unless you were trying to master a particular feature, following tutorials was stupid because a) the other person has done all the work of subject and composition and colors and which details to include and which to simplify, and b) at the end you're left with a copy of someone else's art. And I don't entirely agree but now my brain has latched onto "tutorials baaad" and won't let me do one, only I'm not drawing *anything* which is worse, so aaaahhhh

...

...maybe tomorrow will be a better brain day?
ysobel: (Default)
So I just realized (maybe re-realized idk) a serious flaw in my brain's Perpetual Ominous Warnings Of Doom (mostly to the tune of "I am going to fuck things up", with occasional sprinklings of "something bad will happen and you aren't prepared")

which is that something *will* eventually go wrong, and I *will* eventually fuck something up. Not because I suck, just ... that's the way the universe is. And while the endless anticipatory anxiety won't actually really have helped, the prediction itself technically came true -- meaning my brain will use it as proof that the anxiety itself is necessary.

Kind of like when a hoarder actually does find a use for a random hoarded item, just by chance, and uses that as justification for "I might need this someday" hoarding. Only the anxiety thing is worse because there isn't even the "accidentally helpful" moment; it's just feeling shitty in advance without actually changing anything.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, or how to turn it from intellectual understanding to maybe calming anxiety down, or keeping it from backfiring on me, but ... huh.
ysobel: Orange bunny (bunny comics), annoyed (mrrr)
the older I get, the more I dislike the Night Of Loud Irregular Noises. Grumpy face.

Also my brain decided it would be awesome to literally cry about not being able to hug. (I can receive hugs, awkward sideways ones anyway, but haven't had the arm mobility in years.) This isn't a new thing ... I forget exactly when I lost which joint, but it's probably a least ten years since I could do a one-armed wraparound in response to awkward sideways hugs, longer since I've been able to do frontal hugs. So I don't know why it hit last night. Maybe partly because in my rewatch of Bones (up to season 7 by today; I just hit the ep with the mention of FOP) there was a bit where Brennan ends up lying curled up against Booth with his arms around him, and I started thinking about what it would be like to be held like that, especially by someone who a) is extremely attractive and probably good-smelling, b) has strong arms and a strong protective instinct, and c) cares deeply for you. But the later crying was less about being held and more about doing the holding, with a side of "I'm a horrible pet parent because I can't snuggle or scritch" ... so idk.

I got notified earlier this week of a Covid exposure Saturday (someone I was around who was symptomless but later tested positive) so my brain then started flailing about whether emotional crash -- and/or repetitive yawning, which I kept doing yesterday -- was a potential symptom. Tested today and it was negative.

The weather here has been hot ... triple digits for the first 10+ days of July, including some 110s. I objected to the universe but that made no difference.

In other news I am planning on going to visit Yahtzee this weekend. (He "retired" to live with his puppy raisers, who live an hour or so away.) He is a Very Good Boy and I miss him, though my aides probably don't miss the poop cleanup, lol. I will probably miss him more after this visit because it'll just remind both of us of What Used To Be. I'm just hoping he isn't too mad at me.
ysobel: (Default)
random thing from therapy: I realized it's possible that what I label as "feeling guilty" might largely be just feeling *bad* from over-empathizing. Like, guilt should involve some element of fault -- me doing X led to Y, which is bad, therefore I feel guilty -- but my brain extrapolates that to someone else doing X leads to Y, which is bad, therefore I feel gui???+++ OUT OF CHEESE ERROR REDO FROM START +++

So I'm trying to disentangle, and wow is it hard. Logically I know that e.g. if a friend tells me their partner just broke up with them, since I am not responsible I can label my feeling-bad-ness as "empathy with suck", but it's harder when I maybe could have done something, e.g. my mom forgets to go to a concert, which is not directly my fault but I could have reminded her the day of.

How do y'all describe "feeling guilty"? How does it feel physically, and how do you separate guilt from just ... feeling bad?
ysobel: (Default)
I have noticed, especially in the last month or two, that I tend to crash both physically and emotionally right after going to bed ... which happens around 7, nowhere near when I actually go to sleep.

Not sure if it's a) my bed being haunted somehow (or more precisely I'm creating a feedback loop where my brain expects crash and therefore reinforcing it, sort of an inverse sleep hygiene thing); b) a neurospicy thing where I'm "on" during the day (because other ppl can see my screen and hear my sounds) and in bed I can relax that (no one sees my tablet but me, and I have earbuds) and it's just too much "on"; or c) something else.

If it's b, I'm not sure I can do anything to push past the crash...

Edit - fully crashed, as in couldn't track a audiobook w/o missing chunks, but then woke up 1am needing to pee. Feel very wonky and off kilter right now. Hopefully just a result of wonky sleep stuff but possibly because getting sick? Recording here just in case.
ysobel: (Default)
Took the RAADS-R autism test, mostly for lulz.

I wish there were a "sometimes" option, not all-or-nothing, but.

results )
ysobel: (Default)
Content warning: talk of death and suicide, treated somewhat detachedly

Grief is weird )
ysobel: (Default)
I'm frustrated by ... so many things.

By my lack of spoons -- I rarely get anything done during the day and yet I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day, which sounds normal except that by the time I'm up and dressed and everything it's like 11:30, and I go back to bed a whole 7 hours late. First bedtime is for comfort not sleep, but I utterly *crash*. Seven hours! I used to be on a 9am-9pm day!

By my sleep schedule -- if I actually go to sleep at 7 I'll be impossibly awake later on, so I don't, but by the time I'm ready to sleep through the night, my brain has gone into "too tired to sleep" cranky toddler mode. And it takes hours to get to sleep, and I never feel rested. I don't even remember what that feels like.

By my brain -- lack of executive function plus time blindness means I have so many things hopelessly backlogged, including just simple fucking emails. And I have so many ideas for things I'd like to train Phoebe on, but always I either don't have energy, or don't think of it when I have someone around to help, or I just can't fucking ask because it's not urgent (not in the same way as needing the bathroom) and I don't want to ~bother~ them.

By my hands -- I've lost so much dexterity and grip strength, I can barely do anything, plus they hurt all the time but especially at night.

By my perfectionism -- I haven't done art stuff in ages, because it always looks wrong and I give up on it way too fast. I can follow tutorials okay but even that is of course imperfect; things I do from scratch rarely work, or the different elements don't match up, or the proportions are wrong, or a small part is lovely and the rest is trash, or...

By my lack of aides -- I'm down to three, one who does the scheduling plus two shifts, the other two who split the remainder. I need more, but no one is applying, and the campus job-posting site has been changed to only corporation recruitment, and I don't know how else to get people. And this is a constant fucking thing. I was good for a while, with like six or more people, but a lot of them either graduated or got other jobs; I'm never permanently set on aides, and always have to be recruiting and searching (and if I find oeople, training them)


I wish I could just... not have issues
ysobel: (Default)
I had a moment of clarity the other day ... I have (pretty much always had) an underlying feeling of Not Good Enough; nga for my dogs, nga as a daughter and sister, nga at writing, nga at singing, pretty much anything. It's not a logical feeling at all (it's often a manifestation of perfectionism, and/or reflects things I can't do because disability and literally no one but me expects it) and my reaction tends to be withdraw / hide / curl into a ball of shame.

I realized the other day that the proper answer/response should be "try harder", not "hide and be miserable". Like, I think a lot of dog owners feel imperfect, but the better response is "try to be the person my dog thinks I am", not "I'll never be as awesome as my dog expects, let me hide"

...the moment of *feelng* the truth of that has passed, and it's back to being intellectually true but feeling hollow. (I am fucking exhausted of fighting the "must hide" reflex for every damn thing.) But I wanted to write it down anyway in case it comes back.
ysobel: (Default)
I keep feeling like Phoebe deserves better. Deserves someone who's out of bed more and able to go places and do things and just ... be more fun. I have a small apartment and a small life and I feel hopelessly ashamed that she's stuck here with me. She deserves more

and I can't even take care of her, can't brush her or check her ears or check her paws; even things like cleaning out her ears and clipping nails and picking up poop. it's what I have aides for but it's also unfair to my aides and to P to add more into the mix.

I just. Why is it all I can see is my deficiencies?

Hangry

Aug. 27th, 2022 10:54 pm
ysobel: (Default)
CW food, diet, medical advice

#

Last week I spoke with one of the FOP specialists, an endo in SF, mostly about the flareup but also various other things, both FOP related and endocrinology related. He said among other things that I should consider myself as probably having osteoporosis, because it's common in older FOPers, especially ones who aren't doing any weight-bearing exercise.

He then suggested-- I'm not sure if this was for osteoporosis or for blood sugar or for other things I'm high risk for because sedentary, that I should evaluate my caloric intake and "drop it 5-10% across the board".

...I'm so fucking not doing that.

Should I? Maybe. I don't know. I'd still be at risk of the same shit, and I'd be hangry and miserable. But also it's fucking hard getting myself fed regularly / appropriately; adding in trying to measure calories even with no change would be halfway impossible.

And, like, what I have now isn't vast quantities of all-you-can-eat buffets or whatever. Breakfast is either two eggs with bread (form varies, sometimes includes cheese) or yogurt with granola; lunch is a peanut butter sandwich or similar; dinner is whatever my roommate makes, usually pretty consistent with the "half plate non-starchy veggies, quarter plate carbs, quarter plate lean protein" stuff they've drummed at me for years. I could calorie count the first two if I measured. Dinner is more complicated.

...and the last several days I've also been hungry a lot, both during the day and at night. This could still be prednisone effects, although I'm almost done with the taper, but hungry at night is pretty common for me. I can't get up and snack, and I don't like bothering people, so I've learned to just ignore it.

But the doctors don't know this and don't care. I weigh too much and I can't exercise so the only ~lifestyle~ change is diet.

I want to eat things that are bad for me. Cakes and cookies and brownies and pizza and bread and rice and pasta and butter, things that taste good and fucking satisfy me. I feel childishly petulant that don't even get credit for things I'm doing; it's not good enough, never good enough, unless I lose an "acceptable" amount of weight.

(Sometimes I want to just stop eating, insist I'm not hungry or something, ~don't worry I'm fine~. Except I hate being hungry and I get in rotten moods. I think it's more that choosing to refuse food is one of the few freedoms left.)
ysobel: (Default)
mood crash -- everything hurts (metaphorically not physically) and I am not ok

can't stop crying

can I just donate my body to science or something I'm fucking tired

[obligatory disclaimer: not at risk. if nothing else, I can't abandon Yahtzee.]

I wonder

Aug. 18th, 2022 12:22 pm
ysobel: (Default)
...how much of my lack-of-reaction to the FOP thing is that it's in no way either my fault or my responsibility.

Diabetic shit comes with an expectation of ~lyfestyle changes~ (...that first y was a precaffeinated typo but I'm letting it stand lol). My team is decent about balancing mental health, but there's still the expectations. Eat right, count carbs, exercise (lol). And on one hand, I get that high blood sugar can damage the body, that it's important to keep things under control as much as possible --

-- but my goodness, the *morality*. It's all tangled up with good and bad, with compliance and noncompliance. And my brainweasels are very good at morality shoulds, at whispering that if I had just been more strict with a kale-and-cardboard diet I wouldn't be needing metformin, that I'm bad for "letting myself go", etc. (...and as usual I hold myself to stricter standards than other people; none of that applies to those of y'all in similar situations.)

But the flareup? I didn't cause it, I couldn't have prevented it, and my main job getting through it is to stay comfortable. Not "good", not "proper", just *comfortable*.

It's almost a relief.

Huh

Aug. 16th, 2022 12:00 am
ysobel: (easily distracted)
So, ok, I have this ... weird inhibition about playing music out loud. I'm fine listening with headphones, but since I can't do those myself, that means I only listen when I have headphones on already. That's mostly at night, when I'm in bed. Singing along doesn't happen much -- it's embarrassing if headphoned, and I'm never not. It's been years, maybe decades, since I've just blasted a fun playlist and let myself sing along.

I keep poking at this mental wall, because I'd love to be able to do that. As far as I can tell, it's a combination of at least two desires/needs.

One is I don't want to bother anyone (more than I have to), combined with an overly sensitive meter for what counts as bothersome (i.e. anything at all). It's like I can only do loud things when alone. Between aides and roommate, I'm rarely alone, and I often just don't think of it as an option in the times I do have. Even if I'm watching a video, I'll often turn it off when someone shows up, because Noise.

It's not a logical thing: my roommate has a room with a door (and also can use her words if she needs quiet) and my aides are paid to be here and none of them would be bothered by what I listen to. It's just ... I somehow just can't, unless I'm alone.

(Oddly, video chat is exempt. I'm fine doing those on my computer with no headphones.)

The other is fear of judgment / mockery. This is a long thing: I remember as a young teen getting my first stereo system (CDs and tapes) and my dad brought along the CDs of Phantom of the Opera, with which I was obsessed, to use the Overture to test the sound of different players, and part of me was vaguely humiliated because it would out me as a Weirdo Who Liked Phantom. (Many of my interests at the time, including POTO and Star Trek, I was convinced were inherently shameful.) My genres are nonstandard, so there's possible weakness there, but also I listen to the same thing over and over again. Usually a playlist/CD rather than a single song, but sometimes even that.

(This is also why I never really got into things like Pandora; if I wanted to listen to X, I wanted to listen to X and not to things similar to X, and I'd rather listen to known comfort music over and over.)

I realized tonight that right now, when my roommate is out of town for a few days, I have times of actual guaranteed aloneness. That I could put on whatever and sing along.

...and I still got slammed with an almost visceral memory of someone saying, incredulously, "you're listening to that AGAIN???" Of someone begging me to put on something different. I don't remember if this was my sister (who would have been an older teen at the time) or in college, but I'm terrified, I guess, of getting that again.

On one hand I don't care if my aides don't approve of how I listen to music, and anyway they're all too nice to say something -- except maybe for "didn't you already play that". On the other, the internalization of "this thing I do is Not Normal*" is too old and too deep. So ... I don't know.

* ... I would not be surprised to learn listening to something on repeat is an autism and/or ADHD thing...
ysobel: (Default)
for reasons I can't figure out, I am extremely low energy (to the point where I spend much of my out-of-bed time counting hours to bedtime and idly browsing twitter because I don't have brain for anything else, but even twitter takes all my spoons) and also very bland-food-y (which of course mostly involves carbs, so do I do what sounds good or what I "should" be doing to improve blood sugar?)

had migraine day before yesterday so I don't know whether this is just post-migraine bleh, or if there's something else.

also. Trying to figure out where to store/display digital art. Instagram has become FaceTok and thus pushing videos; twitter is decently easy to post but hard to browse; dw would be great except the interface is awkward (you can't upload as part of the entry process, and the "upload separately and copy html over" is clunky especially for multiple images). I guess tumblr exists, but dunno if anyone uses it any more. Getting my own website space is a pain, plus I'd have to actually code up some sort of gallery view. argh.

(suggestions welcome)

anyway hi I'm still alive sorta /wave/ hugs to all who want them
ysobel: (Default)
So.

I know I do better when I "go to sleep" by midnight -- I can't force sleep, but turning off my tablet and lying quietly with eyes closed, rather than Just One More Level or watching videos or whatever.

Lately I've discovered my brain likes succumbing to sleepiness around 9 -- not really sleeping, more napping, and it lasts for an hour or so and then I can do more tablet stuff for a bit.

(It's even possible I'd do best just going to sleep then; I haven't tried because all my games have events going, but someday.)

Add to this the fact that tomorrow is going to be stressful-- medical video visit, plus meeting / interviewing potential new aide.

So ... why the fuck am I still awake at 1am, no "nap", no effective midnight curfew??

Sigh.
ysobel: (Default)
Feeling mopey about 1) how much time sleep takes, and b) not being able to move.

1 -- I don't do well if I stay up past midnight (I get up at 10am) but lately I've been needing afternoon nap and/or going to sleep at like 9 (which usually functions as a nap and then I'm awake for another hour or so) and still I rarely feel energized and I get hella tired in the afternoon.

(Today I ignored my body's signals and stayed awake so I could Do Art, and I have a half finished bee drawing and am a crying mess.)

2 -- there are the big things, like missing knitting / xstitch / origami / writing by hand / etc, but sometimes it's the little things. like not being able to scratch itchy spots, not being able to blow my own nose, not being able to clip my fingernails. I can get people to do these things but it's not the same at all.

also the art app I use has lovely features that I can't use because -- brushes can change size or opacity or color based on pressure and on pencil angle (if using an Apple Pencil) so there are art tutorials on YT where they do a nice shading effect by tilting the pencil differently. Except I don't move my hand so the pencil angle changes constantly, plus pressure is harder to control

Also also I need to find a way to prop my iPad up an inch or so when I'm in bed because right now my stomach is in the way of the bottom edge and while I can prop the iPad up with one finger, one joint of said finger is one of the few which has more of a hypermobility problem than immobility and the weight of the tablet plus the angle my finger is at is just enough to bend it backwards ow.

(Maybe I should go sleep...)
ysobel: (Default)
Can metformin fuck with mood? I asked someone on my med team and she said no, but I'm coping even less well than I had been. So either a) metformin is doing something ungood, b) I'm in less pain (because of upping pain meds) and therefore my brain can devote more awareness to emotional shit, or c) I'm more of a failure (just in general) than I used to be.

I hate being broken.

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masquerading as a man with a reason

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