Hmmm

Oct. 22nd, 2017 12:25 am
ysobel: (Default)
I have a strange desire to do

A) a micro version of MaNoWriMo

(like, not even the 30k mini version, but, like. Average of 100 words/day as a primary goal -- yes, that's only 3000 in the month, and I used to be able to do that in a day, but that's more fiction than I've written all year -- with 10k as a secondary goal (333) and 30k as a tertiary (1k/day). Or maybe 10k as the primary goal? I don't know.)

B) that is a remix of Disney beauty and the beast

(not with lyrics and shit, and I could just do a regular batb retelling, but I kind of want to take the Disney specific stuff, gaston and the west wing and the specific castle staff, and play with it and make it better. A few elements of the live version but mostly based on the animated one.)

(which is for one thing ridiculous because Disney version, and for another thing cheating for nano because pre-existing story, and for a third feels lazy and cop-out-ish and why would anyone read a 10k-word retelling of a fucking Disney movie, and all the rest of the bullshit that my inner critic likes to dump in my head whenever I want to do something)

I definitely don't want to nano the disabled-beauty/autistic?-beast story-of-my-heart, because it's too important for Nani treat,net, and I need something that means less. But.

Stupid idea? Good idea? Shut up and go back to crocheting?

Whee

Aug. 9th, 2017 02:10 pm
ysobel: (Default)
I don't get story ideas much any more because I don't write. (Partly I don't write because the mechanics are hard and awkward, and writing a paragraph feels like a marathon. But partly there is a self-reinforcing cycle where I don't write because the ideas don't come (or they come as a vague concept with no idea for execution, or they come and then immediately die in the throes of logistics) which means I don't write which means the ideas don't come which means...)

But lately I've been wanting to do a retelling of Beauty and the Beast where "Beauty" is an ironic nickname: she is disabled, deformed, probably has vitiligo, whatever. And so they call her Beauty to mock her. Maybe even she's visually impaired so they're doing it to mock her intelligence/perception as well (ha ha she doesn't even know we're making fun of her, how pathetic is that)

And then today I realized: the Beast, often, is cursed such that they look like they act. I don't know quite how disabled!Beauty meets her Beast, but I have this image of her hearing the curse story and going "what no that's *bullshit* i mean do i look this way because I'm a horrible person? Does (Gastón analogue) look like he acts? Pretty sure not. Fuck this."

...and then I'm like well what if part of the purpose of the curse is that the pre-Beast had an attitude of "disabled people are inferior" and so got made disabled as a very ineffective morality lesson

...and then I spent about half an hour flailing about because AUGH NO, red alert red alert, you are going to fuck this up in completely ableist ways, flaiiiiiil.

Because my brain is logical like that...

ficses

Jan. 11th, 2016 12:38 pm
ysobel: (Default)
So I am actually writing stuff for ffw again. I am too lazy (and spoon-deficited) to track badge accomplishment stuff, but I have a personal goal of doing something for each challenge, preferably at least one within 24h of the challenge going up.

Prompt: Fortune
X-Men: Fanfic: Rituals. Old mutants in love. ffw or AO3

Star Wars TFA: fic drabble: Finding Wealth. (Hey, new fandom for me.) ffw or AO3

Prompt: On the Outside
Inside Out: fic: Identity. (Also a new fandom!) On the Internet, no one knows you're a dog... or a girl. ffw or AO3

Star Wars TFA: Fanfic: Lost. Finn isn't quite sure where he belongs. Spoilery. ffw or AO3
ysobel: (Default)
Trying to decide whether to do NaNo this year.

Pro: I would be likely to get something written; I would have a last gasp chance at not failing GYWO; and if I actually do some prep work in October I might manage to even get a novel out.

Con: I don't need more pressure on myself; November is always busy; doing NaNo would reduce my crochet output (which is already abysmal); I can't really type and don't have a good dictation setup yet so I'd be doing it entirely by ipad, which always makes writing slow.

I want to be a writer; I miss writing. But it's just way too awkward, and I don't know if it's how I want to spend my spoons right now.

Mrgh.

(But otoh, if I get plot and characters set up, and break it down into 30 chapters, that's only one chapter per day; easy, right?)
ysobel: (Default)
I am in the "gaaaah this SUCKS" phase of ficwriting.

(At least I'm over 1k words, even allowing for the fact that Scrivener counts html tags as words and so "<i>this</i>" counts as three words rather than one.)

(but seriously, this sucks so much omg)
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
My remix fic is currently 490 words of fic-sketch. Think I can expand on that?

*narrows eyes at fic*

ETA 5:43: Have re-consumed the necessary portions of canon. I have rants but it would give away fandom, heh.

ETA 6:38: File stands at 671 words now, and I'm, hmm, somewhere between a third and a quarter done. (I delete the sketch-paragraphs as I write their replacements, so it's not *quite* as pathetic progress as it seems.)

8:28: 962 words, and time to stop for today.

Writing

Apr. 22nd, 2015 04:25 pm
ysobel: (Default)
I *miss* writing.

The answer (some people say) is to write. But I can't. I try, and the words don't come, or I get tangled up in logistics, or something.

I have stuff that I want to work on, except that because I don't really get new plot ideas any more (which comes from not writing), most of it is stuff with existing writing, so on top of the process of writing being like *pulling teeth* only less fun, I have a paralyzing fear of breaking it.

Current WIPs, as far as I can tell )

So much of that stuff is so old omg. I just ... I feel like such a failure at writing, but I can't remember how.
ysobel: (Default)
So a discussion on the internet (never a good start) about 50 Shades of Grey (run away) and whether or not there is rape content (spoiler: I was on the "oh hayull yes there is" side) has resurrected the "rewrite 50sog as a story about an asexual discovering her kinky side" bunny I had a few years back.

Except now my brain wants to write it as a lesbian relationship.

Yay?

#

In trying to dig up any 50soa journal entries, I found babblings about a year where the novel progressed from "unicorns that are totally not Companions" to "unicorns vs zombies" to "unicorns vs zombies and also unicorns vs evil murlocs" to "also a dragon" to "unicorns vs zombies plus unicorns vs evil murlocs plus zombies vs evil murlocs plus evil murlocs using plants as defense (hence plants vs zombies) plus unicorns vs dragons plus unicorns and dragons vs zombies omgwtfflail"

So I dug up the scrivener file for that year, and discovered a bunch of stuff that's decent, and a bunch of stuff that's salvagable, and a bunch of insecure flailings, and some major non sequiturs:

There need to be more mermaids in this book.

How do you get to mermaids?

Follow the hippos


And for the dragons I stole names from WoW because I could, and so then there's this:

"I haven't come this far to give up," Marek said fiercely. "Is there nothing we can do to change your mind?"

(you can go on a quest to kill six snow meese! ...and then repeat it daily, along with feeding sea lions that are too stupid to find the opposite sex, and gathering supplies that are two feet away from me, until we like you enough! ...wait, that's Kalu'ak, not one of the dragonflights. never mind all that.)


Also the characters abuse sarcasm:

"...bother," Marek said. "I suppose we could go take a vacation and party or something."

"That was sarcasm, wasn't it," Aniela said.

"Oh you know it was."


#

Now I just need to find the scrivener file from the year I started a YA story that is Totally Not X-Men (With A Disabled Protagonist).

Words

Nov. 27th, 2014 01:07 pm
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
The December talky meme still has plenty of dates open, if anyone wants to suggest stuff. (Date is optional, but I want topics pretty please)

NaNo: up to 45k. I don't quite know how. (It helps that some of what I'm doing is the autobiographical blog thing -- 20k words of that, and I'm not even through high school yet -- where the "plot" is fixed and the events have happened and it makes wording easier.) I am steadfastly *thhhhbbbbbppppttt*ing at the voices in my head telling me that some of what I'm doing (e.g. the days where the words I write are whines about my life, or the fact that I'm spreading the words out over multiple projects rather than a single novel) is Totally Cheating And Therefore Doesn't Count, because fuck that noise.

Not my words: Cognitive Trope Therapy. "the way it works is that when you have a [negative/depressive] thought ... then you figure out whether, if your life were a fantasy novel, these words would be spoken by figures wearing black robes, and speaking in a dry, whispering voice, and they are actually withered beings who touched the Stone of Evil ... and if so then you don’t listen" Only there's more. Go read. It's useful and awesome.

Yuletide stuff: My assignment has a finished draft ... and it is *long*, for me. Not like 50k long, but like "third longest fic I have on AO3" long. Also "longest fic I have written for Yuletide" long. I am a little boggled. Also, I have finished four (!) treats, and have started two others, as well as the pinch hit I snagged. Boggle.
ysobel: (Default)
I am sort of behind on nano words (600-odd the last two days and less than 400 today, which is one day's "target" spread over three days)

BUT

a) my Yuletide assignment story is now the longest fic I've ever written for Yuletide, and it's still not done

b) I have written something every day so far

d) I have maintained my duolingo streak (445 days and counting)

e) most awesomely, my sister has successfully made a tiny human, and I got to go down and visit them today. It's the first time I've held a baby that I can recall, definitely the first time I've held one less than 24 hours old, and -- because I am totally not biased or anything -- she is the cutest baby ever omg. And tilting back with a nice warm sleepy burrito baby on my chest reminds me a lot of the way Suri used to be, except less purry and more squeaky.

f) I am terrified that she isn't going to like me, especially since I can't really physically interact with her at all, but this is more under the category of "stupid brain tricks" (and also "why I would make a really bad mother")

g) today's adventures are going to leave me with a major spoon deficit tomorrow, yikes. And it is hard to write without spoons
ysobel: (attacked by a pencil scribble)
I have officially done Awesome Shit writingwise in the past three days. I am doing NaNoWriMo using three separate projects; Project A is a blogged autobiography thing, Project B is stories for Yuletide (assigned and treats), and Project C is miscellaneous other writing. Between the three of them I have gotten 5000 words so far, writing three out of three days. And better yet, I have actually written *and finished* two Yuletide treats, one posted to the archive already (fourth story in the collection lol) and the other too short to post yet but it's ready to go once the Madness archives open. And I have noted on my assignment, and fragments written of three other treats, as well as a list of like 35 more possibilities based on letters.

Let me re-emphasize this: I have *written and finished* two stories in the last three days.

I don't want to jinx anything, but starting with the poem I wrote a week or so ago? Not only has my creativity come back, but I even like what I'm producing. (Which is big, because the last few years, writing anything has been like pulling teeth, squeaked out reluctantly as close to deadline as possible and I've hated the end result.).

I very strongly suspect that this resurgence of creativity is not coincidental to the drug that I'm going off of (with psychdoc approval, don't worry). And if I can get my writing back -- if I can write, and have fun with it, and get stories out in a way that flows and feels good -- it is hella worth the fact that going off said drug is also giving me rebound insomnia.

Which is why I'm posting at 1:30am. Because hi, I'm pretty awake.

I am also having seriously ping-pongy mood swings in the last few days. Bouncing from "yay everything is awesome" to "I am a horrible person and woe and gloom" is ... quite frankly, exhausting. But I guess it's progress over constant copelessness.

It does, though, feel astonishingly vulnerable. Like the miasma of constant depression was somehow an armor or shell or something, and opening up more exposes my squishy innards.
ysobel: (Default)
So last year my brain decided that what I really wanted to do was rewrite 50 Shades of Grey as "a story about a mostly-asexual girl discovering she has a thing for kink, except done with common sense and less skeevy rapiness". NaNo that year got derailed in part because of kitty health issues, and I don't know that I am ever really going to *write* this; but I keep coming back to it as a playground. Especially when I encounter (or seek out) recaps or commentaries or whatever of 50SOG.

I realized today, a sort of revelation while I was walking to chorus rehearsal, that a lot of what it comes back to is basically a theme of Girl Versus Cultural Narratives.

Read more... )

But. Yeah.

Something.

Man, this all sounded more profound when I was revelating...
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), drawing a bunny (art)
So I actually *wrote* today. Like, fic writing.

This is the first writing (well, of the story sort; obvs I've done DW/LJ stuff and ravelry posts) I've done at all since May 22, and *that* was a hundred-odd-word snippet that was the first thing I'd written since uh. Yuletide. (2012, which that and one other thing were the only stuff written since April. Yeah.)

I don't mean "things finished". I mean actually *written*.

The jerkbrain part of my brain is whispering that it doesn't really count because of what I have in the file, half was written in 2009, and the rest was bare-bones sketched out. (The rest of the fic, what I haven't written yet, was sketched out as basically "sex ensues", but I think it will end up as more than two words...) Also saying that it was only a measly few hundred words (1249 in file, of which 603 were 2009 words that got tweaked a bit) and and and ...

Still. Is writing! I am ridiculously gleeful.
ysobel: Pink bunny (bunny comics), head cut open, completely hollow (no brain today)
once upon a time, I knew how to write

how to story

...which isn't quite true because so much of the time it didn't feel like me writing a story, so much as the story writing through me

somewhere along the line I

(lost confidence?)
(put too much pressure on myself?)
(or on writing as the last Legit Thing I could be able to do?)

lost

the ability to Words

to Story

and sometimes I tell myself that all things are transitory

that this dry spell won't last forever

but

sometimes

especially lying in bed at night

sometimes I think that I'll never get it back

and that hurts way

too

much
ysobel: (Default)
I have decided that this summer is going to be a Summer Of Writing.

(Well. Also of crafts, so kind of a Doing Stuff Summer, but that's beside the point.)

To that end, I have signed up for the Clarion Write-A-Thon. I have committed not so much to word count (my experience with things like NaNo is that pushing a large volume of crappy writing stressed me out and doesn't actually generate anything usable) as to what I call Fingers On Keyboard time: time spent actually writing, as opposed to researching / reading DW and LJ / poking around on rav / playing GW or SWTOR or D3 or WoW / other forms of distraction. Secondarily I would like to come out of the Write-A-Thon with (at least one) draft of a story to send out for publication.

This is partly just a personal goal, but partly also a public goal. If you would like to help me do this, there are several ways:

* Sponsor me. Contributions -- which can be done by goal unit (pledging $X per, in my case, hours spent writing) or as a lump sum -- will help a cause I believe in and will also encourage my own progress. Plus, while I doubt I can raise enough to be one of the top fundraisers, I do get rewards on top of the Knowledge Of Being Helpful.

* Cheer me on. I may be making a separate blog, but I will also be posting updates here, and I would love support in either place.

* Join me. There isn't quite the same community of crazy enthusiasm as there is around NaNo -- or if there is, I haven't found it! -- but we can still keep each other company.

\o/
ysobel: A kitten stretched out on a laptop. (laptop)
I have, lately, been wrestling with the problem of a vanishing muse. I can remember what it was like to need to tell stories, to have more things in my brain than I could possibly write, to have things spilling insistently out. I can remember, but I can't reclaim that feeling. Writing has been more of an abstract need than an immediate need, more of a "I want to want to write" than "I want to write", and anything I write requires a major effort to get past the "oh God this is horrible what am I thinking I should just give up entirely" wall that's built up.

I miss the need to write, desperately want it back, but you can't court desire that way. I could perhaps force myself to get words out, force output, but that doesn't change the input, doesn't force the stories to come to me. Doesn't affect the story-need, the story-hunger.

And I've started to become worried that it's never going to come back. That I've lost whatever creative spark I used to have; that I will forget how to want, forget how to write, forget how to crave stories.

#

Except then I realized something.

I was walking down to farmer's market, and I was lost in my head, thinking. (The fact that one of my ears is blocked up makes it easier to lose myself there, because I can't hear outside as well as I can hear inside.) And not just thinking in general: mulling over a blog entry about what Easter means to me personally (and a tangential blog entry about personal religious beliefs and why I am what I am now and what I could have been if I weren't), and one about health (about my ear thing and the impact it has, about the fact that I can be imperfect and still happy, about the fact that I don't need to hear well to enjoy the sun on my face), and--

-- and I realized that blog entries and anecdotes and thinky thoughts are just another form of story. That I've started composing entries in my head the way I used to compose stories, and that a lot of the mental entries, like the mental stories, don't make it to "paper" and those that do aren't exactly how I envisioned them.

That I'm still writing. It's different stuff, different sources, but it's still a creative outlet.

And when I realized this, there was a general feeling of "well, duh, took you long enough to figure that out" from the creative center of my brain.

#

It doesn't change the state of my writing. Doesn't make me more able to write, doesn't break down the barriers in my head. Doesn't suddenly bring my desires into line with reality, because it doesn't change the facts that a) I want to be writing fiction, both fanfic and origfic, and b) I am not doing so.

And yet it sort of changes everything.
ysobel: Daniel, unconscious and hooked up to VR (fic ate my brain)
Remix Redux is open for business signups.

And yes, I signed up :D :D :D Never mind that I haven't written a word since end-of-year-fic-exchanges.

(The awesome: XMFC is an allowed fandom. The random: I discovered, while trolling through some of my older fics, that I had enough LotR drabbles to probably bump it up into being eligible. The suck: I still don't qualify in Star Trek (AOS), because while I have almost doubled my number of published ST stories, the four new ones, as much as I love them, are all remixes, and I either need two more 100+ fics or one more 500+ one and I haven't written anything non-remixy in ST for a year and a half.)

#

I am dithering on whether to put [redacted] as my safe story. It's got some very personal elements to it, but if handled well I wouldn't mind the chance to see another person's spin on it. If handled well. But the chances of that story being picked for remix anyway are fairly small. And I feel weird for designating it as a safe story because I don't broadcast just how personal it is.

Sigh.
ysobel: (Default)
...okay, I admit it, this entry is mainly an excuse to test out the new update page on Dreamwidth. :D

(for those going "what? it doesn't look any different to me?", head over to the beta features page and opt in. it is awesome. There is a tag browser! and organization! and an update box that doesn't have an obnoxious fixed width! and fu is the awesomest!)

#

Writing thingses for the rest of the year:

* [livejournal.com profile] secret_mutant fic exchange (due Dec 22)
* Yuletide \o/
* [redacted] from kinkmeme
* daily writing project

Knitting thingses for the rest of the year:

* haat!
* ...other haat. maybe.
* gauge swatchen for tubular castingson
* figure out garter square sock toes on loom

#

(that all should keep me busy)
ysobel: A kitten in a jack-o-lantern (halloween)
* iTunes is driving me nucking futs. It is freezing up on syncing to my iPad, repeatedly, but also freezes for up to five minutes while it pokes around. I am very close to stabbing it. With a spork. A rusty one at that.

* am doing a mystery KAL hat thingie in November. Should be either lots of fun or a complete disaster. Will keep y'all informed.

* am, partly because of the previous item, not doing NaNo. I am tempted by [livejournal.com profile] novel_in_90 but I don't have any pressing ideas, and I know that going into something like that when I don't know what I want to write is just going to make me stressed and miserable.

* do want to get back into the habit of writing. I just am in one of those annoying dry patches where I know that the way to get out is to just write dammit, but there is still a persistent irrational part of me that insists I should hoard the few ideas I have until I can do a good job with them.

* Suri would like you all to know that she is Very Lonely and also Quite Neglected and wouldn't mind getting some Attention. Especially if it comes with Skin To Lick.

* I have a birthday coming up wtf when did that happen o.O (yes, I know it happens every year, but it can't possibly be November again, right?) ...that is, yay, excuse to eat cake!
ysobel: (Default)
+ glitch has totally eaten my life. ;_; it's fun and wacky! and, apparently, addictive.

+ I managed to finish my [livejournal.com profile] mer_ficathon fic! only a week late. ("only".) it is kind of adorkable. *pets it*

+ random I-amuse-myself moment: it occurred to me the other day that with the prevalence of "u" for you and "ur" for your in txtspeak, the -r ending might eventually be glossed as possessive, which means that 'her' would be the possessive form of 'he', and 'sher' would be the feminine equivalent...

+ have more or less decided on patterns for the hat and fingerless gloves to match the scarf I'm making. love the yarn. love the colors. it's variegated enough that I can't do any intricate patterning -- well, I can, but it would get completely lost -- and is a very happy thing. now if only I could remember what I did with the other skeins...

- still have not come up with a good method of doing cross-stitch. it probably is not a good thing that my muscle memory for stitching involves a) being able to lick the thread, b) being able to hold the needle closeish to my eyes to thread it, and c) holding the frame such that it was propped up pretty much on my boobs. none of that has been possible for years, but I haven't found anything to replace them. the fact that my eyes aren't as good as they were when I was 15? totally doesn't help.

- also I have been hurting rather a lot lately. not major pain (although I do have a somewhat wonky personal pain scale, where minor pains barely register and aren't worth taking meds for, and one of my PAs is astonished at what my brain categorizes as minor), but annoying. grr.

+ ETA: farmer's markets are utter win. went today for the first time in a while -- a little closer to the end than sometimes, so some of the places were closing up -- and got some seriously gorgeous stuff. apples (pink lady) and pluots (plum+apricot hybrid) and dates and salad mix and preeetty radishes and dates and bread and a piece of eeevil cheesecake. nom. :D

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ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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