i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Okay, so. As you may or may not know, I got my current service dog, Yahtzee, in 2011. (See tag "dog adventures of 2011" for more details as desired.) He is now ten, and while he is still quite puppyish sometimes, he is showing his age a bit. Napping a lot, and sometimes being reluctant to go places.

I've been low-key trying for the past year or two to figure out how (and when) to get a replacement service dog. The when is hard because ideally the replacement would be ready when Y is ready to retire, but I can make educated guesses. The how is significantly harder. I couldn't get a dog from the same place as Y because they require a two week stay in Santa Rosa, and while I could (barely) manage that eight years ago, I can't travel now. Many other agencies require the client to come to them. Plus, there's the timing thing: even once I was accepted at the place I got Y from, had done all the interviews and screening, and was on the "to get a dog" list, it took five years.

The other option was getting a dog (probably a puppy) and hiring someone to train it up as a service dog. Sort of like an owner-trained service dog (which is a Thing) except I can't do any training really. Up side is I'd be involved with the training from the beginning, so it could be trained exactly to my needs, and the timing would be more obvious. Down side is it's more expensive (many agencies don't charge the full cost to clients, using donations to supplement) and there's no backup if the dog doesn't work out.

Anyway. About two months ago, one of my very good RL friends, L, mentioned that she had a friend who bred service dogs, that happened to just have a litter (of 11 puppies, yikes!). I said, half jokingly, "I don't suppose she has any openings".

She didn't, but I was first on the waiting list.

And then someone cancelled. So one of the boys could be mine.

(!!!)

Now, me being able to take the puppy was entirely dependent on being able to find someone to raise/train him. Seemed impossible, especially on short notice. But the breeder was willing to be patient and keep me on maybe status. And ... I'm not sure if it was L who had the contacts, or L's breeder friend, but L and I got some suggestions, and one of them was available, and interested. And slowly, over the course of a few weeks, it went from "this will never work" to "this might work" to "holy shit this might actually be happening".

...it was of course absolute torture for me not being able to tell everyone and their cousin, because OMG SERVICE PUPPY, but I didn't want to jinx anything. And I didn't want to get people all excited for me and then have it not work. And so I had to stay utterly silent until it was about 99% probable.

(It is at this point 100% happening. ::hyperventilates a bit::)

Someone related to the breeder has been posting puppy pictures on social media -- goldenvillage_retrievers and nala.goldenvillage -- which is just chock full of adorableness. The dogs are cream-colored English golden retrievers, of a lineage with lots of service dogs; the mom (Willow) and grandma (Nala) are both quite pretty. The pups are too puppyish to be pretty, but omg the cute!

I also got to go visit at around six weeks. This was Dec 1 -- for those of you that read the health saga, this was the thing a week after I got sick and about four hours before I spiked the high fever -- and it was also raining somewhat but I was not going to miss the visit for the world.

A couple pics below the cut:

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Unexpected benefit of doing the puppy-plus-trainer route: I got to pick a forever name for him! For the first six weeks they were identified by "collar" color, e.g. Mr. Red, Ms. Lavender, Sherbert for the orange collar. My little dude was Mr. Paws, because the ribbon was black with gold paw prints. I am probably going to keep Mr. Paws as at least a nickname for him. However, I decided on Chess as his main name. It keeps the game theme (Yahtzee), it's short and easy, it's got a good feel as a command-name ... plus, now I'll have a black dog and a white dog, so quite suitable for Chess! ;)

The puppies are going to their new homes this week. Chess' adventure is tomorrow; the trainer will be going to get him from the breeder, and then coming to my place to introduce him to Yahtzee and to see me again and to let him see the environment he will eventually be living in. (I can't deal with puppy full time, of course, so he'll be living with the trainer for the next 12-18 months, but with *at least* two visits a month, probably more like once a week, so that he gets a chance to know me and work with me.)

There will, of course, be pictures :D

Now for the awkward bit: you know how I mentioned that the puppy-plus-private-trainer route costs more? Total cost is approximately $20,000. Which is a) a lot of money, b) especially since my benefits are dependent on me having less than $2000 total assets. (Medical equipment doesn't count so *owning* the dog is fine, but I can't exactly save up.)

Because of this, and because I have a lot of friends elsesite that expressed interest in helping out with the financial aspect, I set up a GoFundMe. I do not want anyone to feel obligated to help, but if you have any interest in donating, I will be forever grateful. Every little bit helps! (And yes, I know GFM has fees, but the alternative sites I investigated had higher fees.) Or if you have Facebook, sharing Yahtzee's post so it (and the gfm link) reach wider audiences? Also helpful, and doesn't even cost anything :)

(Annoyingly, because my dad is handling the financial backend of the gfm -- necessary because benefits -- it says that I'm raising money for him. That's not the situation, but gfm support was not very helpful. Sigh.)

Okay, enough begging-for-monies. Hopefully I will have cute-as-fuck pics and anecdotes after tomorrow!

Got home last night. Exhausted. Had minor meltdown.

Wanted to sleep in this morning (with arrangement for Y-dog to be toileted and fed so there wouldn't be any problems). Arrangement got foiled a bit by the fact that I doltishly forgot to take him out one last time before going to bed, so I had to get emergency roommate assistance at 5-something. And then the arranged thing at a bit before 8. And then my bladder decided I wouldn't get to sleep in anyway.

Not as close to the edge of melting down, but still in serious spoon deficit.

#

Have tons that I want to write up about the last two weeks. Don't have the energy for it. Also need to work on the end-of-year exchange fics (yuletide and secret_mutant) that I didn't have a chance to even think about for the last three weeks.

For now, have a picture:



This is Yahtzee.

What I tried to write yesterday:

One of the tests was of the bond between each client and their dog. We had been in an "umbilical cord" procedure, where we were literally tethered together at all times, to facilitate bonding, and we were supposed to be the only one interacting with the dog.

The test itself was this: the training room was set up with a solid round barrier of tables tipped on their sides in a circle with blankets draped over them to cover the gaps. The students, including all the trainers, and the clients with their dogs, sat in chairs around the edges of the room.

One at a time, each client came into the ring of empty space between the tables and the people; took off the vest and leash, and gave those things to a designated holder; and walked in a slow steady circle around the barrier.

No commands. No verbal cues. No motions. No eye contact. No interaction of any sort. Just walk.

The point became clear: the strength of the bond would show in what the dog did. Unbonded, the dog would just wander. The stronger the bond, the more the dog would follow, or chase if separated.

#

I had several worries. Yahtzee is a slow bonder anyway; seated people are less dominant than standing people; and I didn't have the option of not having people around me.

I tried not to be too nervous.

#

I go up and have the holder person take Yahtzee's vest and leash, and I start moving. I can't see what he does.

Apparently, he was with me the whole way.

Apparently, when we got around to his trainer -- someone that for the first few days had to be out of the room for me to have any chance of attracting the dog's attention at all -- Yahtzee looked at the trainer, looked at me, and came with me.

Apparently, a bunch of the students started tearing up :)

#

Yahtzee is a good boy, he is.

So far beyond exhhausted I don't even know.

Being sick doesn't help. Also the shit my wrist is pulling, that makes it impossible to use it for anything.

I don't know how I am going to survive the next week.

As it is, I almost started crying today, in the mall, partly because I couldn't get Yahtzee to sit or jump-on or things, partly because I kept making dumb rookie mistakes that I know better but still kept doing, partly out of exhaustion. And dog training is ten times harder when you're trying not to burst into tears.

(breathe)

I have so much stuff I want to write about, but I can't think of the words to use. I'm so incredibly exhausted and I just have no brain whatsoever.

We're doing good but I am about ready to fall apart. We still have a week left. Don't know if I can survive. And if I do, it's one thing to deal with Dog here but another to integrate him back into routine life at home and arghflail.

(breathe. One step at a time.)

So I already have a tux kitty... and I end up with a black lab... :D

It's one thing to know, and be told, that dogs respond better to people they know, that it takes time and bonding and stuff.

It's something else to see what seems like everyone else interacting wonderfully with their assigned dogs, and to not even be able to get my dog's attention.

They do say this will change...

stuff is 90% packed. have clothes (yes, including underwear); have hairbrush and toothbrush; have meds; have knitting project.

still utterly terrified.

wibble.

/snuggles all of you/