i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Why is it that doing Adulty Shit doesn't ever feel good or satisfying, just necessary?

...one of my aides posted tonight at 10:30pm looking for someone to cover his shift because his professor assigned a shitton more work, but his shift tomorrow morning, is in 12 hours. So I had to post a comment to his request saying that he needs to come in if he doesn't get a confirmation of someone covering (which is a policy I am explicit about), but it took 20 minutes of dithering because I really just wanted to pretend I hadn't seen it, and hope it worked out tomorrow. Which... is unlikely, because no matter how many times I tell aides they're responsible for assigned shifts and that just "making it available" on the scheduling website we use (allows shift swaps etc) isn't enough, people always want to just release their shift and forget. If I didn't have dogs I would be tempted to just leave it be and at worst stay in bed until the following shift that starts at 2, but I can't do that to Phoebe and Yahtzee.

So I eventually left the comment but I just feel like crap. High brain knows I did the necessary thing, but low brain is freaking out.

And tomorrow I have to make phone calls, and I donwanna, but i have to, but I don't get dopamine from completing tasks, just frustration that it took as long as it did to gear myself up

Mrrr.

Fuckit

So I had half a moment of feeling okay about stuff -- having enough aides for a change --

Only the really cool person developed major medical issues, and one of the other new people is having back problems, and do shifts are falling back on my roommate again, and some of them she literally can't do, and also the -- I was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't do recruiting, and my dad is able to put out advertisements and get names but the follow-up -- explaining shifts, arranging interviews, arranging training) fell for a while onto the person who does my scheduling (another thing I originally did but couldn't) but she can't do they long term and my roommate doesn't want to and I'm not sure what to do

and there's the issue of who stays here overnight if my roommate takes a trip; a bunch of roommates ago, my roommate found replacement and paid them, and then for a long while K would stay but she's not really talking to me any more (the January issues and subsequent taking her off the schedule pretty much burned that bridge), and I can't stay alone but I don't know--

Anyway so I'm back to crying pathetically yaaay (fml)

Last year I was super into Animal Crossing, though by December I was kind of burnt out ... not completely, but between Halloween and Toy Day there was a lot of eventing. But also I was bonding with my aide S, who also played, and I was planning island designs and stuff.

January was when S got hit by a car, and had to stop working abruptly because badly broken ankle; I heard from her once maybe a week oater, and nothing since. I don't know how she's doing, if she's still in the area, if she's even alive.

In some ways it feels like I had a trauma reaction, like my brain just shut down. I recruited a friend L to take over scheduling my aides, which is probably the only reason I survived January. (L has been helping since, because she likes doing it.)

I don't think I've touched my Switch since. Not just AC but anything. The Yoshi game had gotten to too hard levels, I never got far into Unraveled, and AC was just ... I couldn't. At some point I figured out the link with S and grief/trauma, so I figured I'd wait it out.

Recently Nintendo announced the Nov update for ACNH, and it's fucking AWESOME. I'm not as rabid about Brewster as some people are, but. Fences! Accent walls! Lights! Permanent ladders! Crops! COOKING!! New islands to visit! And it's the day after my birthday so basically a free birthday present? Hell yeah!

(The paid dlc looks awesome too but I'm waiting; I can probably afford it but I want to make sure I actually get back into AC first.)

The update literally had my jaw dropping, and I was getting excited about the game again. Yes there will be many weeds and things to clean up and stuff, but I have online friends that promised to help if I wanted.

Only...

I still haven't touched the Switch.

Partly it's that I'm out of the habit of having my aides get out the Switch as part of the morning routine -- all but one of my aides are new to this year. Partly I kept forgetting about it until after I'd in bed, and I'd think "tomorrow I will remember" and then the next day would spend the whole day on Twitter again.

Today I actually thought of it, during the day, when an aide was even here. And I couldn't do it. Couldn't even ask.

I feel so fucking broken.

2021 is not getting off to a great start.

My aide S, who's been doing 90% of the shifts because all the students are gone (and even with the students was doing half the shifts) .. got hit by a car last night while walking her dog, & is now in the hospital with broken foot and ankle. And has to deal with police shit because it was a hit and run.

Luckily my roommate is here and able to cover, but.

I keep going from 'okay' to random crying. Can't tell how much is for S and how much is for me and how much is just Emotions Suck.

(Also sigh at my mom. She's physically unable to do the commode chair stuff, so she can't help me out in that way. In the group text with her and my sister I said I wouldn't be able to do the family video chat today, explained what was going on and that I was scrambling to get aide coverage, and literally said "there's nothing either of you can do to help aside from not asking a lot of questions, I'm just letting you know". So of course my mom insists that she could help with aide stuff... then texts me to ask if I'll need her help today... I know she wants to help but I don't need to deal with managing her as well...!)

This ... has not been the best week.

Not a great couple of weeks really. Went from massive heat wave (many days over 100 with forecast for weeks thereof), then random thunderstorm, then the wildfires have been making the air shitty. I'm not in immediate danger firewise but hazy orange air is never fun. At least I wasn't going anywhere anyway.

Then Monday happened, and fuck Monday. Three aides called out (Monday afternoon's because vomiting, Monday+Tuesday night's because secondhand contact with a covid case, Tuesday+Wednesday morning's because of a sprain) and they were all justifiable reasons but three at the same time sucks. Luckily I have six in rotation, so I wasn't stranded, but. Then my commode chair -- which is a fancy shmancy thing that can tilt, so I can tilt it back to lower in from the sling and then tilt forward to pee, though obviously I'm not personally doing the tilting -- got extremely reluctant to tilt. It had been cranky for maybe a week so I'd called NuMotion (grrr) and their first available tech in the area was sept 16, but Monday it got to the point where it took two people to get it upright, and then Tuesday it just stopped tilting entirely

(luckily my dad was available to take it in to them to get it looked at, and they got it temporarily working plus ordered a bunch of new parts, but there were a couple of toileting sessions that required, erm, creativity)

And also I am possibly getting a UTI. Well, probably. Suspicious odor, plus yesterday and today there's a mild ache when my bladder is empty. No burning, so either it's more bladder than ut, or one of the many mysterious fucked-up-ednesses of my urethra includes scarring or something that makes it less sensitive, idk. I'm downing cranberry and pretending that's enough, because denial is fun.

So yeah that's this week.

Oh and my body's current preferred sleeping schedule seems to involve crashing as soon as I'm in bed (730 or 8), sleeping for about two hours, waking up and doing iPad shit like duo and daily stuff, and then going back to sleep around 11 or 12. I don't understand it at all ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ My evening Netflix use has gone way down, lol. (I'm more used to "do stuff on iPad, including maybe Netflix, until 11/12/1, then sleep". But oh well.)

Health: is kind of on the crappy side of good. Still have fatigue. Still have hand pain, plus fingers are going wonky. Wonkier. (Fun note: one finger is doing a weird click-shift thing when I flex it back, i.e. hyperextension. The hand therapist gave my hand a weird look because apparently that's unusual. Half my finger problems are reduced mobility and half the problems are too much mobility. Only me, lol.: Had headache Sunday and Monday, Also, yesterday my chair decided to Not Tilt for like twenty minutes, while I was at maximum sideways tilt, which meant my back was in screaming agony by the time it decided to behave again.

I did finally break down and get a mask because of air quality issues from fires -- vogmask.com has masks that are good at filtering and also look cool. (I got the rainbow parrot one. If I remember, I'll upload a pic of me wearing it. (I wish DW had Ravelry's photo-upload interface and backend and stuff; it's so *easy* to add pictures there,)) Air quality here hasn't been as bad as Seattle-etc, but visible ash and haze seems to be the new normal for fire season.

Reiki: is still awesome. I'm doing a lot of it, with someone that ... okay, so, some Reiki practitioners just kind of wave their hands above the body (to manipulate energy stuff or whatnot), but others include physical touch, like a very gentle massage, and my reiki person is one of the second sort. Which means even if reiki were just new age mumbo jumbo, the sessions are a way for me to a) relax and n) GET TOUCH. Which is huge. I do not get enough touch (my aides dressing/washing me don't count) and I crave it SO MUCH, especially not being in a romantic relationship. And I still don't know how or why reiki *isnt* just new age mumbo jumbo, but somehow it works. It's not magic, it doesn't cure stuff, but it pain levels and stress levels always go way down after a session.

Oh, and for IHSS purposes it counts as a medical appointment XD

IHSS: had my yearly re-evaluation thing. I was worried they would take away hours. I actually got *more* -- it's up by an hour a day (!!!). Granted, that still leaves gaps where I don't have sides available (it works out to s bit under 7.5 hours a day), but it's a really really good result.

And I am mostly not in an aide crisis any more. At one point I was down to two caregivers -- V doing weekday afternoons and K doing everything else -- but I've hired two more people. S is super awesome and I want to keep her as an aide forever. J is ... 90% awesome and 10% frustrating (she picked some stuff up really quickly but there are other things she just can't get at all, like how carabiners work) but at least she's reliable. I still don't have someone for Sunday mornings -- K gets me up after her other client, which ends up being like 12:30 at the earliest -- but I'm not quite in as much fear about someone getting sick.

However, I am going to have to start searching for a new roommate soon, and wahhh I donwanna. It's annoying and hard and I don't like change wahhh. But current roommate is leaving in December so ... meh.

Pet news: Everyone is still adorable. Yahtzee does not look his age (he still looks and acts four-ish -- he'll he 9 next month wtf). And in huge news, Loki, who has been in a cone since December, is FINALLY back to being a cat rather than a lamp. I have no idea what if anything changed, but he stopped trying to attack his tail through the cone, so last time I was at the vet she let him out to see what he would do and he gave one halfhearted air-chomp in the direction of his tail and spent the rest of the time grooming and then exploring the sink. So we tried taking the cone off and leaving it off, and it's been almost a week now with no blood \o/ I'm not quite declaring complete victory, because I'm kind of waiting for the other show (paw?) to drop, but for now, both of us are a lot happier.

That's enough for now, partly because I should be getting to sleep' but I have part two to write up, including such things as Not-a-job news, crafting updates, design updates, language updates, and other things I'm forgetting.

Okay, so. My aide M is living with a couple of friends of hers, T and J. They are both on the older side. J has health problems that I don't know the details of, but that include a recent heart attack
And also a recent "we might have to amputate your legs" something for which she is still in the hospital.

M sent me kitten pictures earlier this week. Then one of her other clients went out of town and she went with him. Tonight's shifts are the first time I've seen them.

She mentioned how she hadn't had time to check on the kitten, or see how the weekend went, because T, who doesn't really like cats, was catsitting for her.

I got the chance to ask what was up with the kitten.

"Oh, I got it for J! It'll be therapy for when she gets out of the hospital!"

Uh, does she want a cat?

"Oh she loves cats!"

...but does she want to OWN a cat?

"Well I don't know, hahaha, but I couldn't just abandon it! I spent like $140 on the vet, having it checked up, and they did tests. It had pinkeye when I found it but I got antibiotics and it's looking so much better! I mean it's a ten day treatment and this is only like day three, but I'm sure it'll be fine, and I couldn't leave him with just ANYONE, right?"

...I want to scream.

This is basically M wanting a cat, and she's very soft-hearted and wouldn't be able to just leave it to die, but

*rage*

It's not a good idea, when you're living paycheck to paycheck, do sink a bunch of money into medical care for a stray cat. That sounds heartless but this is someone that has been unable to come to work once or twice because of not having gas money; who gets irrational and paranoid when hypoglycemic but doesn't always have money for food; who doesn't take care of her OWN medical issues.

It's not a good idea to take someone that's doing you a favor (she has place to stay in exchange for helping them out) and make them care for an animal they don't like, including giving eye medicine for a contagious illness.

It's not a good idea to foist a pet on a disabled person; it's one thing for a disabled person to own pets, as I do, but this is NOT J's choice, and even if she wanted a cat it's stupid to not let her choose one for herself

It's fucking unfair to the cat -- medical care is good, yes, but this whole situation REEKS of badness

It's fucking unfair to the people around her

*what the fuck is M even thinking* oh right she's not

*fumes*

This is largely cribbed from posts elsesite, with a few additions and typo corrections but no editing, which is why the tense veers all over the place -- right now I am in bed and doing okay and definitely significantly calmer. But.

( today sucked like an overachieving black hole )

*throws self onto virtual couch in a fit of melodramatic sobbing*

Okay, so. Roommate is out of town tonight and tomorrow night because of a friends bachelor party. My mom is sleeping over so I have someone here in case of emergency, but that’s always awkward at best, even if necessary. Meanwhile of my evening-able aides A has been out of town, scheduled to come back late tonight, and so M is my only option.

Fail the first was dinner. Roommate had left a veggie casserole -- vegetables of various sorts, pasta, cheese, idk what else -- for us to have, with instructions to pop it in the oven for 30-40 minutes (covered with aluminum foil for the first 20-25 and then opened). We check it at 25 minutes and it’s cold -- oven had been left on preheat, not switched to bake. Put it in for another 20, covered, and then another 10, open. Cheese is only half melted but it’s steaming and whatever, we’re hungry. Except we managed to both undercook and overcook -- vegetables were still crispy but so was the pasta on top.

Fail the second: I message M that I’m ready for her to come over. (It is 8:30, an hour after I usually start the whole process these days because of how long the bedding process takes and how long after that it takes my body to unwind enough to sleep.) She responds ok but then two minutes later is “pooping her guts out” and can’t leave the toilet and is there anyone that can cover. Now, A is my usual backup, but out of town. Roommate is secondary backup, but out of town. My stepmom is third backup, but superbad idea with my mom here. So I ask my mom if she can do it, and she says it’s better than catching whatever M has. (She also makes comments about the drugs she is convinced M is taking, and asks whether m has ever overdosed.)

Fail the third: my mom getting me ready for bed is a clusterfuck. First she insists that I need a washcloth bath (which I usually just do in the morning), and not just face and armpits but everywhere upper body, and while I put up with this there is a part of me inside that is screaming about bodily autonomy. Second she isn’t strong enough to get my shirt off without hurting my wrist a bit, though I don’t tell her. Third, the commode chair takes strength she doesn’t have, and she hurt herself several times using it -- once pinching a finger on the wheel lock lever, once wrenching her back trying to get it upright (I need it tilted back so I can get in, and then tilted back up for the peeing), once banging her hip trying to stop the chair from rolling. Fourth, she is tired and unpracticed and I am tired and explaining badly as to what goes where and it takes us until 10:20 to get me in bed.

(The only positive about all that is that the next time I’m asking my dad/stepmom for help getting to bed and they ask if she can do it instead, I have reasons to say no.)

Fail the fourth: A had said, before his trip, that he was coming back tonight but didn’t know whether he would be able to work tomorrow but would let me know. I text him tonight asking about tomorrow (before I knew M was sick, but she’s been doing every day for over a week and needs a break) and he finally replies saying that he’s actually driving back tomorrow instead sorry for the late notice. Which means M is my only option for tomorrow. I hope like hell she’s better.

I just kind of want to cry. A lot.

I have at least learned enough to (most of the time) realize that running out of cope is not my fault.

Training a new aide, and she keeps being convinced that she can do transfer maneuvers when she (thinks she) understands them, but understanding and doing are two different matters. Yesterday morning we got me on to the toilet ok, but couldn't get me back to the chair, and we ended up having to call someone to come help. She came last night for additional instruction; she was supposed to come this morning with a person that could be backup, but she decided after last night's session that she "understood" it and showed up alone. While she did have a better understanding of what to do, it ... wasn't enough. And we had to call one of my other aides, and wait for her to get across town, and by that point my foot was asleep, and so I couldn't really do much to help out with the transfers.

Yesterday I was perfectly able to cope. I knew, even if she didn't, that it always took aides a few days to get a good handle on the transfer. (My body is so very different than anyone else's. See also: the easiest way to pivot me upright when I am leaning back is to push on the back of my head. Neck and spine are thoroughly, solidly fused, and so that gives good leverage and doesn't hurt me. It's counter-intuitive, though.) I was able to stay cheerful, more for her sake than anything, and patient, and very "we will get this" levels of upbeat.

Today, less so. And now one of my other aides is here, and cleaning up, and I know that stuff needs cleaning up, and I want to have an organized space, but there is still a part of my brain having a "DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF" meltdown, and with yesterday's and today's stuff on top of the consistent feeling of augh, I am very very low on cope.

And in the past, being out of cope has led to being out of self-cope; to irritation that I can't just grin and bear it, or to the nonlogic that since I dealt ok with things the last time X happened I should be able to deal with them now and it is a horrible flaw and personal weakness that I wasn't.

Today, somehow, I am managing not to feel that way. Just to sit with my inner toddler and kind of cuddle her, and I don't have to make impossible promises, like "everything will be better tomorrow" or anything, just kind of *be*.

I think this is progress.