i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Reading http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/ is making me want to do a horror rewrite of Twilight for my next nano novel.

( I have nfi how big this is ugh whatever. too tired to care )

/falls the fuck over/

Woo?

(And yes, I know I had tomorrow too, but I was SO CLOSE so I just sort of pushed a bit more.)

Dear brain: I don't give a fuck that I cheated. Cheating is normal (see also uncontractions). And I wrote every damn word in that file. Even if it was just whining about my life.

...for some reason all I want to do right now is cry. Also sleep for twelve hours (I had pain issues that kept me up until 3 again last night and I am exhausted as fuck).

I have officially done Awesome Shit writingwise in the past three days. I am doing NaNoWriMo using three separate projects; Project A is a blogged autobiography thing, Project B is stories for Yuletide (assigned and treats), and Project C is miscellaneous other writing. Between the three of them I have gotten 5000 words so far, writing three out of three days. And better yet, I have actually written *and finished* two Yuletide treats, one posted to the archive already (fourth story in the collection lol) and the other too short to post yet but it's ready to go once the Madness archives open. And I have noted on my assignment, and fragments written of three other treats, as well as a list of like 35 more possibilities based on letters.

Let me re-emphasize this: I have *written and finished* two stories in the last three days.

I don't want to jinx anything, but starting with the poem I wrote a week or so ago? Not only has my creativity come back, but I even like what I'm producing. (Which is big, because the last few years, writing anything has been like pulling teeth, squeaked out reluctantly as close to deadline as possible and I've hated the end result.).

I very strongly suspect that this resurgence of creativity is not coincidental to the drug that I'm going off of (with psychdoc approval, don't worry). And if I can get my writing back -- if I can write, and have fun with it, and get stories out in a way that flows and feels good -- it is hella worth the fact that going off said drug is also giving me rebound insomnia.

Which is why I'm posting at 1:30am. Because hi, I'm pretty awake.

I am also having seriously ping-pongy mood swings in the last few days. Bouncing from "yay everything is awesome" to "I am a horrible person and woe and gloom" is ... quite frankly, exhausting. But I guess it's progress over constant copelessness.

It does, though, feel astonishingly vulnerable. Like the miasma of constant depression was somehow an armor or shell or something, and opening up more exposes my squishy innards.

keeping this separate from the previous entry just 'cause.

Between birthdayings and cattings, I am only at 2k words, but still chugging along. The birthday stuff always throws a dent in my early momentum (the cat stuff was NOT expected and didn't help at all) so it's not unusual for me to be behind at this point.

(writing goals are really hard for me to set. If I do a "must write every day", then I beat myself up for days that I am not able to write at all, which always happens, especially since I have to go to bed when my aide person gets here at night so can't just decide to stay up for long enough to do a sentence. If I do a "must average out to a ridiculously high number of words per day", which is sort of what NaNo is, then I beat myself up if I get significantly behind. If I do a "must average out to a ridiculously small number of words per day", then it doesn't feel like achieving anything because one day of writing gets me that goal. bah. brains are annoying sometimes :) )

Slept HORRIBLY night before last, which was partly forgetting to take night meds and partly I don't know what. Slept horribly last night, despite meds. Do not expect sleep to go well tonight.

I have run out of story for my nano thing. I just feel utterly drained, like I've gone dry. I know creativity isn't supposed to work that way, it's something that you get more of the more you use it, but -- not right now. I am out of spoons and out of words and out of ideas and I just ... I can't go farther. I *can't*.

(if I had another week, I could take a day or two off as creative break and then work on some other story. but I don't.)

So. Final word count for this year's nano is 40k. (well, 40,305, technically.)

And I know I could artificially inflate the word count so I could get a shiny winner's badge because 40k is a hell of a lot more than I thought I would get, but I am cheating enough as it is (a lot of the words in the file are not really story) and I don't want to cheat more.

And I can't write.

So 40k it is.

the somewhat more paranoid side of me thinks that, especially if I were alone, it would be very easy to become alcoholic, because for one thing I'm genetically predisposed anyway and for another thing a little bit to drink makes the world better. not to the point of being sparkly or spinny, just, y'know. happy.

the rest of me is too busy being happy to pay the paranoid side any mind. *grins*

#

ETA: So it turns out that if a) it is late enough that I am a bit sleepy, or b) I have a bit of something in the way of alcohol, or c) both, I am able to write at approximately 1k words per half hour.

Or, as I typed into my nano novel (yes it does have little discourses like this; you don't think I wrote 35k words in a month just writing story, did you?) --

On the bright side, I was right about my writing speed. (1041 in half an hour, with an hour left until midnight.)

On the less bright side, I am running out of things to say and also I am running out of brain because I maybe had a bit of wine and it is maybe making me sleepy. So I don't know how long I can last.

Woe is me, etc.

Right, back to the dragon.

#

Things I am not allowed to do to boost NaNo wordcount:

1) Rename my protagonist to give him a full name that has about twenty words in it. And use that name any time I refer to him.

2) Ditto any of the other characters.

3) Changing the name of the country back to "totally not Valdemar", and of the main city back to "the capitol of totally not Valdemar".

4) copying and pasting. Or quoting other things. Like the lyrics to the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack that is running through my head argh.

So here's the thing.

I have, as of last night, hit 30k words.

This is a good thing. I am willing to admit that. However, a) I hate the story like burning, b) I have run out of plot and words, and c) there is no way I can write 20k in the next week anyway.

So I am trying to figure out what to do.

...half hour concentrated writing sprints followed by reward breaks.

I am amused at the story. As I said in #yuletide: the fact that my novel has gone from "unicorns that are totally not Companions" to "unicorns vs zombies" to "unicorns vs zombies and also unicorns vs evil murlocs" to "also a dragon" to "unicorns vs zombies plus unicorns vs evil murlocs plus zombies vs evil murlocs plus evil murlocs using plants as defense (hence plants vs zombies) plus unicorns vs dragons plus unicorns and dragons vs zombies omgwtfflail" is ... interesting.

(I have long since given up thinking this will eventually turn into a saleable novel. which is for the good because I have enough writing blockages as it is; adding "but this will not appeal to agents or editors or the buying public D:" does not help.)

So apparently, one secret to word count is a) wait until internal editor is drowsy, b) ply self with a bit of rum, and c) type lots. With eyes closed.

(2223 words for today. whee.)

Of course, it also leads to predictably unpredictable wackiness in typing:

[23:13] * isa|nano[325] is now known as nanio[1620]
[23:13] <@nanio[1620]> nts: another is not spelt "anothir"
[23:14] <@spoke> it's nano, who cares about spelling? ;)
[23:14] <@nanio[1620]> given that I let "naother" pass, not me >_>
[23:15] * @spoke huggles
[23:15] <@spoke> it'll be okay, you can fix after nano!
[23:15] <@nanio[1620]> so much to be fixed after nano omg
[23:15] <@nanio[1620]> I sort of gave up on linear storytelling a long time ago
[23:16] <@nanio[1620]> also, ...............
[23:16] <@nanio[1620]> dude.
[23:16] <@nanio[1620]> nanio?
[23:16] <@nanio[1620]> wtf?
[23:16] * nanio[1620] is now known as isa|nano[1702]
[23:16] <@spoke> i wondered about that
[23:16] <@spoke> but put it down to nano-induced crazies
[23:18] <@isa|nano[1702]> nano-induced crazies is a good excuse]
[23:18] <@ryuutchi> True.
[23:18] <@isa|nano[1702]> rum is also a good excuse
[23:18] <@ryuutchi> Mmm, alcohol.
[23:20] <@isa|nano[1702]> alcohol is a good nano ... thingum
[23:20] <@isa|nano[1702]> uh
[23:20] <@isa|nano[1702]> survival
[23:20] <@isa|nano[1702]> strategy
[23:20] <@isa|nano[1702]> thingum

When I am feeling vaguely sane about NaNo, I tell myself that the end wordcount is secondary, that the primary goal is to try.

Most of the rest of the time, I am flailing because of one or more of the following: a) I am behind on overall wordcount; b) I am behind on that day's wordcount (I have not gotten anything decent in terms of daily count since the 3k+ on the 6th, generally not getting to even 1k); c) I don't know where the story's going; d) I am not trying hard enough; e) I keep getting distracted with other things, like iPads and WoWs and ebzs and yulechats and ravelrys and staring at ceilings and talking with roommates and ... lots of stuff.

d and e are the worst, I think. It doesn't help that I was brought up with the mantra of The Most Important Thing Is That You Try Your Hardest (which is, as it turns out, a really bad thing to instill in a perfectionist, especially a lazy perfectionist); the rational part of me knows that it is impossible to put 110% of effort into everything all the time, but rational has nothing to do with it. I was also raised with the mantra of Work Now, Play After (applicable to both homework/room-cleaning before playing/reading/etc and to proper food before dessert), which makes it really hard for me to justify to myself things like taking funbreaks before I have my wordcount for the day. I also have a trained instinct to shift goalposts ("you can have a reward at 15k total words. *hits 15k* but 1k for today isn't that much farther, you can push a little more can't you?"), which is bad form.

*sigh*

(of course, the sanest choice for nano is not even trying to do it, but never mind that.)