ysobel: (Default)
One of my dreams last night evoked a feeling that I have been trying all day to remember, with very little success.

I don't remember the imagery from the dream -- something about coming home after a war, something about the I-character being a prince -- but it's not the imagery I care about. It's the emotion. I can't remember. It was partly like -- oh, I don't know, like a newly crowned (and mostly still school aged) King Peter coming howm to Narnia after his first battle as king; it had elements of Harry returning to Hogwaets after winning some external tournament for Gryffindor (why Gryff in particular and not Hogwarta as a whole I don't know, and the not that sticks out was people back at the castle waiting, like in a Greek myth, to see which color sails adorn the ship, so someone could run back with news of the winner, which makes no sense in a world with magic, but again the visuals don't matter.

And I can't quite remember the emotion.

I think -- in the way you can sometimes remember the shape of a word without remembering the word itself -- it had the shape of a sort of nostalgia, like coming back as an adult to places you frequented as a kid (and things are so much more small and ordinary when you see them with adult eyes). But also a bit of ... deliberate loss? Of having gone to do the thing knowing you'd be changed by it and knowing that you'd never get innocence back, watching kids be kids and being unable to join in because you know too much. And some element of disconnect, like you've been off fighting a battle in Faerie and return triumphant to find that a hundred years have passed overnight and they're really quite happy that you won but you don't know them because they're the great-grandchildren of your baby brother or whatever, and you can't get the missing years back.

Those are the pieces I can remember, but ... echoes, not the source. It's more than that and *I don't remember*. And the more I try, the less I grasp.
ysobel: (Default)
One of my dreams last night involved me talking about how some German communities -- particularly the were-shifters -- came over to America to escape persecution, and brought their traditions with them.

Traditions like Thanksgiving meal (turkey and potatoes in particular).

And all this was happening around 1066.

::eyes brain in amusement::
ysobel: (Default)
a) been kinda off-grid lately -- mostly health stuff (migraines, random heart palpitations that have no apparent cause at least yet but yes I do have a doctor appointment because this is a new thing, and stuff like pain keeping me awake last night until after 6am so I only got three hours sleep and the next day or two are going to suck) -- if I've missed anything important in your lives please link / summarize / tell me where to look?

2) I had a dream the other night where I got to meet Lin-Manuel Miranda. He was very tolerant of me glomp-hugging him. idek.

iii) I "lost" all of Wednesday to writing up my newest knitting pattern, Freedom of Hattitude -- knitting drama seems to inspire me.

backstory )

D) I also made a hat for a friend. Loom knit, a smidge too small because I couldn't find the right loom, so worked in twisted rib (e-wrap+purl) for stretch.

V) ...and once my brain recovers from last night's painsomnia, I want to play with brioche loom knitting. Fear me. Or don't; whatever
ysobel: (Default)
Interesting dream last night -- kind of bits and pieces of a video game, similar in genre and style to Vagrant Story.

contains video game horror, ghosts, racial issues, one paragraph with snakes and bees )
ysobel: (Default)
Had a dream last night where I was at this ... combination gift-giving and murder mystery dinner (though the mystery was who was going to get "killed" and how; it ended up being one guy pulling a gun, and fumbling it, and a second guy pulling out a knife to go after the target, and the first guy using that distraction to "shoot" the target in the head.)

But while I was there, my mom called to see if I was ready to go to a thing with her that I hadn't remembered her telling my about in the first place. And I said no, I was having fun here (at the dinner) and so was staying. And she came in to get me, and I said that I wanted to stay, and we ended up in a sobbing screaming match. Well, I was sobbing; she was just ... being all calm and stuff in the specific way that people do to make you look like the irrational one.

It got to the point where I went to find the murder mystery coordinator to go HALP, and my mom followed while arguing her case, and the coordinator told my mom that she should go away, and I cried a lot in frustration and then went back just in time for the "murder".

I don't think I need much of a dream interpreter for this.

(The "getting into fights with a parent (usually my mom but sometimes my dad) where they are calmly treating me like a child and I am emotionally flailing and raging" thing is a common dream motif for me.)
ysobel: (Default)
I had a dream last night where I was reading -- or watching, it's hard to tell with dreams -- a cozy-style mystery that had largely to do with some legal loophole about how, if you kill someone a) by implausible "accident" b) on the way back from paying the fine for a different crime, it's not actually murder. (The book-movie-whatever ... The narrative didn't make it clear whether it would count as manslaughter; the main character thought she'd get off scot-free.)

So she deliberately got caught speeding on the highway, and paid the fine, and was driving her cop friend (whom she wanted to kill) back via some alternate route that took them through a small town where she had plotted some sort of Improbable Accident to occur. After lunch, of course, and the narrative made it clear that the cop had a large appetite that her friend generally disapproved of but, since she was going to kill her, she actually encouraged eating a lot, like finishing off the main character's pasta dish once she was finished. And there was blueberry pie.

But then there was a Humorously Inconvenient Twist in the part of three burly local men showing up for lunch at the cafe, at which point we switched to their POV, in which we discovered the three of them were all werewolves, and they had this problem of fursploding into werewolf form whenever someone mentioned vampires, which made it hard to maintain plausible deniability about the existence of werewolves.

At which point I got awoken by my morning aide, so don't know what happened next. *fistshake*
ysobel: (Default)
I half wake; dozing, I realize
That the dream was a coherent and
Entertaining story.
I tell it to myself, over and
Over so I will remember when I fully

I do not.

Read more... )


Jan. 6th, 2016 01:14 pm
ysobel: (Default)
Had a very disturbing dream last night. Content warning for car accident, no known injury.

Read more... )
ysobel: (Default)
I mentioned once before that pods of close-to-shore orcas are a recurring dream symbol for me. I'm not entirely sure what it means.

After last night, I realized that another element of the orca dreams is me thinking, wow I've had dreams about this but now it's actually happening for real.


May. 20th, 2015 10:41 am
ysobel: (Default)
Had a Twilight Zone dream last night. It started out normslish; there was this building, a sort of rec/games center, with an arcade on the upper floor and a ramp down to a roller rink on the lower floor. Only as we were leaving, we discovered an elevator, which went down to a sub-basement with kind of creepy dancing Elvis robots and then a ramp up to the roller rink.

...which is when it changed to a TZ episode. As it turned out, if you accessed the rink through the sub-basement area, you could change reality. And the place as a whole was run by an old rich guy (who looked a lot like ... uh, the evil rich guy in It's a Wonderful Life) with three employees, a sort of golden child (I don't know whether he was literally the guys son or not) who was an obnoxious annoying jock, a black guy named Sam who was actually really smart but never got listened to, and a third guy named Michael, who had been trying without success to convince the boss of Sam's worth (and jock-guy's lack of same, because he was good at being offensive but bad at running a business). So Michael and Sam came up with a plan to body swap Sam with the annoying jock dude, so that Sam could actually make a difference; except when they got upstairs the boss had apparently changed his mind and was favoriting Sam -- aka annoying jock guy in Sam's body, who was aware of what happened and was just smirking at the other two) -- and Sam in the jock's body started arguing that he was really Sam, but the boss and jock!Sam just smirked harder. So Michael and Sam!jock decided to go back downstairs and re-swap back, but they had to wait for two aliens (that sort of looked like giant walking pickles with eyes) to to down first. And the elevator dinged but opened on a black empty shaft, and then whatever was happening downstairs caused the entire place not to have ever existed.

And then there was a Rod Serling voiceover wrap-up about being careful what you wish for.
ysobel: A wyrm eating its own tail (ouroboros)
Weird-ass dreams recently:

One last night that was a Leverage dream, where Eliot and Sophie were somehow a thing [idek] and Sophie had gotten kidnapped while on a trip and Nate was all "Okay so our first order of business is--" and Eliot said "--go to the airport [the place where he had last seen Sophie] and get some dessert so the airport is a happy place again, yes I know, let's go get it over with" and at some point I realized that the future episode [which doesn't actually exist afaik, this was just dream canon] where Sophie was afraid to let Eliot [again, wtf] see her scars was from the stuff in this episode

One a week or so ago where my mom kept needing to pee and thinking of weird-ass ways to do it without actually involving a bathroom; at one point she was sitting in a chair next to a wall, one leg crossed over the other so her hips were canted, and she was talking about punching a hole in the [fragile but not crumbly] wall and aiming pee into the hole; at a later point we were standing around waiting for something and she needed to pee but didn't want to go too far away so I suggested she go behind a nearby dumpster and squat, and next thing I know she had stripped entirely naked before making a run for the dumpster; and I know what it means when I dream about *me* needing to pee [i.e. that I have a full bladder IRL] but I don't know what it means when I dream about my *mom* needing to pee

One a few days ago that was this weird mashup of Stargate (and General Hammond was definitely involved) and MCU stuff, only the Stargate-ish thing a) could only transport one person at a time and had to be reset between uses, and b) had the possibility of partial transport [i.e. whatever body parts had not gotten sucked in when one end shut down, got left behind], and one of the Howling Commandos got his lower body amputated by the Stargate closing early or something, so Hammond wanted to retire him, but Natasha was all "fuck that" and came up with a two-seater hover-motorcycle-thing and rescued him from the infirmary

...my dreams are weird sometimes.


Jan. 30th, 2015 10:56 am
ysobel: A kitten staring at its reflection; text: through the looking glass (through the looking glass)
Family was ... not driving, more like being chauffeured, in something like a small tour bus that was just us? ... to a mountain area called Shenandoah. The closer we got, the more vivid the colors became; the ocean (?) was super blue, the trees and grasses were super green, the flowers were every color of the rainbow.

We got as far as the driveable road went, a gravel parking lot on the edge of a field full of wildflowers, and as we got out a yellow bird with ornate plumage flew in and gave us each a kiss of welcome; I had a camera up to my face because I was trying to photograph everything, so the first kiss landed on the lens, but when I lowered the camera I got another on my forehead.

We walked the rest of the way to our (remote) cabin, and there was a stretch where -- through some escheresque arrangement -- we were high enough on the peak that we were in definite snow zone, but the ocean was high enough that it could wash up overlapping the path; not big splashy waves, but the sort of crawling shallow in-and-out that you get on beaches at the very edge of the waterline. And the residue of water that got left behind with each retreat froze to ice, even though the moving water never did.

The whole setting was just ... very peaceful; everything was beautiful, and despite the whole snow and ice thing it wasn't cold at all. And I didn't hurt at all, or feel tired, and just felt like I could go on walking forever.
ysobel: (Default)
1. Had a dream last night where ickiness with bugs ) And then there was a bit where I looked in the restaurant's fridge and a live T-rex came charging out. I feel that ought to have clued me in to its dreamness, because live T-rexes are not usually in fridges, but apparently not. And then there was heavily spiked eggnog.

2. I have enough backlog of Graze snacks that I switched to monthly and also delayed the next box. I also marked as trash some of the stuff that is harder for me to eat solo (in particular the stuff involving dips), regardless of whether or not I like it, because the main reason I'm doing this (by which I mean getting Graze boxes) is for stuff when I'm alone.

2b. My guilt issues re trashing stuff, meanwhile, continue to run rampant. And the most recent issue was today because I tried one of the things I'd been sent -- "booster seeds", which is sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and golden flaxseeds. Which is ~healthy~ and a good source of iron and stuff, and I /couldn't stand it/. It tasted like the sort of thing you eat because it's ~healthy~ and ~good for you~ and never mind that it's roughly as yummy as cardboard, and not even cardboard that has been soaked in pizza grease for flavor, you eat every last mouthful. And I tried a second bite, and only succeeded in getting flaxseeds stuck in my teeth. And yet I feel guilty about a) not eating the rest of the container (or stirring it into yogurt or something, never mind that I don't really do yogurt) and b) marking it as trashed, because it's ~healthy~. My brain, folks.

3. One thing I really miss when playing SWTOR? My WoW macros. Especially when I'm healing.

Because in WoW, I had a bunch of macros that said things like "if target is friendly, use healing skill Y; if target is enemy, use attack skill Z; if no target, use Y on myself" or "if target is enemy, use attack skill Z. If target is friendly but has an enemy targeted, use Z on my target's target" or whatever. So I didn't have to change targets in order to switch from healing an ally to beating up on the boss, and I could always use the easy-to-reach keys (1-6 and the shift variants) regardless of target. And I would have macros that say "in a group, do one thing, in solo play do another". Or "Use healing skill Y on mouseover target if applicable, otherwise target if applicable, otherwise target of target if applicable, otherwise myself" so that I didn't even need to change targets to heal someone else, just mouse over their little portrait in the group list. And stuff.

But I don't think SWTOR has macros, which means that half my easy-to-reach skillbar is taken up with heal skills and half with damage skills and I keep pressing the wrong one and I keep having to click on an enemy and fire off an attack and then find whoever needs healing and click on them and use a heal skill, and it's slow and not very responsive and annoying and wahhh. *sulk*
ysobel: (Default)
1) Had a dream last night where I was trying to pass as a man, except the clothes I was wearing were too big (like think "4 year old dressing in an adult's outfit" levels of too big), and my shirt wasn't tucked in but I was afraid that if I tried tucking it then people would see I lacked the apparently-obligatory belt that others were wearing, and it was all super awkward. I was apparently successful enough that a kid (son of someone I know at church) ran up behind me and hugged me and said "I love you daddy" before realizing I wasn't his daddy. And then I was at a meal, and my immediate family members were in attendance, and I was afraid that they would for one thing recognize me, and for another thing recognize the convolutions required for me to eat, and it was unlikely that another person with my condition would be around, so I was desperately trying to look normal, while rolling up the sleeves of the jacket I was wearing (really more of a graduation gown sort of thing) so they didn't flop over my hands. I ended up at a table with my sister (who, in the dream, recognized me but was willing to play along) and my dad (who either didn't recognize me and was curious about me, or was deliberately asking questions to try to get me to out myself), asking e.g. what my name was and what I did for a living and stuff, and I didn't have any answers and panicked and gave some name (forget the first name, but the last name was Stevens) and an occupation (technical writer for H.P. and similar companies) and was hoping he wouldn't ask too many more questions, and that's when I woke up.

Not sure what it was about; okay so there's an obviousish theme of "pretending to be competent adult and hoping no one notices who I really am" that pops up sometimes in my dreams, but I don't know what the pretending to be a man was all about.

2) Visited my mom today - she had knee replacement last Wednesday and is in a skilled nursing facility type place for a few weeks while she recovers and does PT and stuff. And the whole time I was there part of my brain was going in panicked circles because if I ever stop being able to live independently, that's the sort of place I'll end up in, and I had immediate visceral do-not-want-ness about that.

Mind, if I ever end up there I'm sure I'll cope, but in the meantime, my brain is doing panic gerbil.

3) Also I have panic gerbil brain because I decided to write up a pattern to put on Ravelry and now I am getting it test knit (especially since I can't really knit right now so I'm pretty sure the theory works out but flaaaaail. It doesn't really make me a Real Designer because I didn't really design anything -- it's sort of like taking a commonly used answer in support requests and making a FAQ out of it -- but I am still, well, gerbily.

(There is a fairly popular pattern for a dishcloth that is worked diagonally, and I've seen enough people asking how to make it rectangular that I figured I would write it up as an actual patterny thing. It's just an adaptation, but hopefully something that's useful to people.)

...apparently $NUM eq 3. Who'da guessed.
ysobel: (Default)
I had a dream this morning--

Uh, content warning for mild auto accidents; if that is bothersome don't read this

--where I was driving on ... I guess "like the less scary parts of coastal Hwy 1" doesn't help most of you. Coastal highway, one lane each way, limited visibility because of left-right wiggliness and also mild hill-like fluctuations, but without scary cliff drop-offs on the side. And I realized suddenly that while I was explicitly the driver, and alone in the car, I was sitting in the front passenger seat instead of the driver seat.  I could lean over to grab the steering wheel, but I couldn't reach the gas or brake. (As is common in dreams, I have significantly more mobility than in RL.)

So I had a choice: try to shift myself over into the drivers seat, which would probably take somewhere between 10 and 30 seconds, during which time I would have to let go of the wheel and not be able to look ahead or correct anything; or steer off road and do friction slowing.  There were cars coming in the opposing lane, a risk to the plan A. There was a gravel turnout, the sort of thing meant for slow traffic to pull aside to let faster vehicles past, coming up. I could do a plan C of steering in the pretense of being in normal control, and hope that I didn't end up slowing to a stop blocking the road, but there was no guarantee of anything beyond what I could see.

I chose plan B.  Steered off the road, into the gravel.  I wasn't slowing quickly enough to be able to stop before the gravel turnout ended, so I made a split second choice to steer into what was basically a guard rail; the front fender crumpled a little, and the car (well, minivan, really) spun around, but stopped. 

...at which point my mom showed up and started snarking about how I should have stopped sooner blah blah all my choices are wrong nyah.


I sort of want to blather about how this whole thing applies to my non-dream life -- control, and feelings of same, and then being judged (by myself as much as by others) for the fact that the best possible decision in the moment was not the most perfect of all possible actions -- but eh.
ysobel: (Default)
Probably my most frequent recurring dream element is the "show up for class on the day of a big test and realize I am unprepared and usually haven't even attended any of said class yet" sort. But probably within the top five is this:

I have been on a trip somewhere (often Chicago), where I checked out books from a library there and subsequently forgot to return them, so am left all anxious and guilty and wondering if I need to mail the books back or what.

...this probably says something about my brain, I'm just not quite sure what...


Feb. 14th, 2013 02:47 pm
ysobel: (Default)
I dreamed, last night, of a pod of orcas easily visible, playing around in somewhat shallow water. We had in the dream been told of the possibility of whales. In the dream, orcas were just a special sort of whale -- but they were definitely orcas, and I remember arguing with someone about the "killer" part of the killer whale alternate name.

Once I woke up, I realized that this image of orcas swimming / frolicking near me is a recurring one for me. The image -- once I dreamed that the house I was in had fallen, intact and airtight, into the shallows of the ocean and I could see them right outside the windows -- and the feeling of specialness surrounding the chance to see them.

I have no idea what if anything this means...


Jun. 28th, 2011 01:11 pm
ysobel: (Default)
I could turn both hands palm-up -- and I knew that was changed, knew that I hadn't been able to do that with my left hand, and was awed and thrilled. (IRL my left hand is palm-down and doesn't turn; right hand can twist between palm-down and palm-in but can't get as far as palm-up.)

I was also getting a tattoo, and I had no idea what I wanted, and the tattoo artist wanted to do ... words, like four lines of some sort of verse that she painted on my chest with washable marker but the words didn't make sense and anyway I didn't want words, I wanted an image, maybe a vine with music notes for flowers, or if I had to do words I was trying to remember how to spell the transliterated Hebrew from Chichester Psalms (Adonai ro-i, lo eḥsar. / Bin'ot deshe yarbitseini, / Al mei m'nuḥot y'nahaleini) and wishing I had the actual Hebrew for it.

Except part of the deal with getting a tattoo was that I had to state aloud the medical risk factors -- not for tattoos in general, but for my condition, and even in retrospect it was fairly accurate ("it could trigger a FOP flareup that could end up fusing the remaining joints, like my fingers and jaw") and also enough to make me reconsider.

And then there was a different scene, and I was in a minivan with my family, and somehow I ended up driving my chair out of the passenger door (this is not actually possible IRL, especially since in the dream there was somehow the normal passenger seat there too) and somehow I decided that it would be a good idea to run away, or at least go to where we were supposed to meet someone for something, only I ended up getting seriously lost, and then there was a pool type thing that I drove into (but in dream logic I can tread water with my legs strongly enough to keep the chair off the bottom and also move towards the steps; and also, it didn't short out any parts of the chair's electronics) so I had to wander around for longer so that I would dry off enough that people wouldn't notice that I was wet.


ysobel: (Default)
masquerading as a man with a reason

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