i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Yesterday I watched (via live stream) the most recent Canine Companions graduation. Two people I know, Phoebe's puppy raiser and then someone who's been helping me with her nails but is at this point also a friend, have puppies that were graduating, so I had extra motivation... but honestly, between the parade of dogs that are matriculating in for professional training and the new person-dog teams, it's adorable af regardless.

It's also gotten me thinking about my own training, the one just about two years ago (almost exactly-- graduation anniversary is the 10th) with Phoebe and the one 13 years ago with Yahtzee. I don't remember much from the Y one except for pieces, like him being so happy to see me again during graduation that he did a spontaneous Lap. I remember more about the P one, like her licking my elbow to say hi the second morning, and the absolute wiggly joy of her first night in my dorm room with me when she found a ball, and the first weekend home with her where she figured out that she could get me to play by putting a toy in my lap...

(I sometimes wonder if I'm good enough for her, but that's probably my insecurities talking, lol)

Idk, just having some dog feelings over here...

the older I get, the more I dislike the Night Of Loud Irregular Noises. Grumpy face.

Also my brain decided it would be awesome to literally cry about not being able to hug. (I can receive hugs, awkward sideways ones anyway, but haven't had the arm mobility in years.) This isn't a new thing ... I forget exactly when I lost which joint, but it's probably a least ten years since I could do a one-armed wraparound in response to awkward sideways hugs, longer since I've been able to do frontal hugs. So I don't know why it hit last night. Maybe partly because in my rewatch of Bones (up to season 7 by today; I just hit the ep with the mention of FOP) there was a bit where Brennan ends up lying curled up against Booth with his arms around him, and I started thinking about what it would be like to be held like that, especially by someone who a) is extremely attractive and probably good-smelling, b) has strong arms and a strong protective instinct, and c) cares deeply for you. But the later crying was less about being held and more about doing the holding, with a side of "I'm a horrible pet parent because I can't snuggle or scritch" ... so idk.

I got notified earlier this week of a Covid exposure Saturday (someone I was around who was symptomless but later tested positive) so my brain then started flailing about whether emotional crash -- and/or repetitive yawning, which I kept doing yesterday -- was a potential symptom. Tested today and it was negative.

The weather here has been hot ... triple digits for the first 10+ days of July, including some 110s. I objected to the universe but that made no difference.

In other news I am planning on going to visit Yahtzee this weekend. (He "retired" to live with his puppy raisers, who live an hour or so away.) He is a Very Good Boy and I miss him, though my aides probably don't miss the poop cleanup, lol. I will probably miss him more after this visit because it'll just remind both of us of What Used To Be. I'm just hoping he isn't too mad at me.

CW aging pet and brainweasels thereof. (He's ok, my brain is an AH)

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Really want to do a full update because there's so much, but typing hurts. Can do short bursts, but since DW doesn't save drafts...

Teal deer:

* Had birthday last week, was good.

* Yahtzee had eyelid surgery, it went well, he's healing well, doesn't like the Cone but loves the extra "treats".

* Eldest niecelet is 8 wtfffff how did she get old

* twitter is ... certainly a thing right now. It's got the feel of "deck of sinking Titanic" only the iceberg bought the titanic as a midlife crisis and also is super mad everyone is making fun of it.

* but also twitter was where my "on rav all day" energy went, when TPTB torpedoed it, and I'm not sure what now

Fingers hella hurt now, okay bye

So in addition to everything else, a) I got up today to Yahtzee not wanting to eat and being lethargic, and b) ended the day with fever and possibly getting sick.

Luckily my vet is open half day on Saturday, so I got him in; his intestines were rumbly but otherwise he was fine. They gave the dog equivalent of pepto bismol to calm down nausea / diarrhea / inflammation, a pill that apparently tastes horrible even when wrapped in cheese, and he's on a bland diet for a few days. He hasn't actually had anything messy come out yet, which is good, and after the pill kicked in he was quite happy to eat some white rice and cottage cheese, so things look hopeful.

Me, i have no idea what's going on. Felt freezing this afternoon (checked temp, 100.5) and then felt hot (102). Decreased appetite, and some low center abdominal pain that yesterday I thought was too many prunes the day before. Feel exhausted and crappy, and my throat maybe hurts.

Can we turn 2020 off and back on again?

At least Chess is out of the hospital -- went home yesterday. Yay.

So I turned super duper old 40 today.

Way back in The early parts of this year I decided I wanted a party dammit. Partly because decade, partly because 40 is the median age of death for people with FOP (and even though there are people in their 60s and 70s with FOP, there are also people I've known who were younger than me when they died, so even though it's median and not mean or mode or an expiration date, my brain gets a bit weird about it.

Given how bad the depression has gotten lately, I really needed it.

And -- in part because of how much I've been actually being open about the depression stuff -- there has been Much Awesome over the past few days. Two stuffed penguins, a super soft huggable stuffed frog, earrings (Latvian amber!), a couple of shirts (including a nightshirt with sheep on it that says "let's snuggle"), a pashmina scarf, flowers, balloons, more balloons, visits, hugs...

My old roommate came and she flew in yesterday, so came by both yesterday and today to hang out. Yahtzee was thrilled, Monkey was indifferent (but then when no one was looking, curled up in her bag), and Loki was ... very very confused, I think. Old roomie gave him snuggles and he just lay awkwardly with this "mom what is happening" expression. Poor kitten.

And the party! There was a little mini concert, some by the ukulele band (which I would totally be tempted to join if I could physically play) and some by the church chamber choir. It was awesome and made me happy. And then food! We got it catered (although apparently the catering restaurant neglected to mention that they weren't open on Sunday, so I found out afterwards that the person arranging the party had to pick the materials up the day before, raw, and she and her husband (who both have catering experience) cooked it up, which I am super impressed by) and very yummy and there was baklava for dessert, which I got to take the leftovers home. And there were maybe 50-ish people there, friends and singing friends and church friends and knitting friends and all kinds of people.

My dad was there too, which slightly surprised me because he usually avoids being around my mom in close proximity, but it was awesome, and nothing embarrassing happened. ..well, good embarrassing happened, when they started on the speeches about how much like me and why, but nothing parentally awkward.

...I do have a huge pile of cards to go through (this is a good thing, but physically exhausting) and I suspect I am going to crash hard tomorrow, because the last few nights have been bad sleeping-wise (last night I was up until 1:30 at least, and I don't know if it was the first or second one) and today was like 100% social with several hours of about 200% social on overdrive. And I'm winding down finally but have the hiccups (gah) so no clue how long that will last.)

My brainweasels are starting to kick in also -- e.g. trying to get me to feel guilty about Yahtzee not being there (I didn't bring him partly because of my sister being allergic, though she ended up getting sick -- as one often does when one has little kids -- and not coming, and partly so I wouldn't have to spend part of my attention keeping him from begging or stealing things that drop. (He's trained, but tri-tip is hard to resist.) But some people were expecting him to be there...) or about the catering thing (which is probably why I didn't find out until after, lol) But most of today they've been quiet, suppressed by the avalanche of love.

Anyway. Good birthday. A+ would party again. (...just not tonight...)

Annual "avoid the internet (except for Ravelry and thinkgeek) day" is much easier to do when Loki spends so much time on me. I spend much of the day either tilted back as a catbed, or upright but avoiding the desk (because Loki wants to investigate it). I may try to find containers for the various yarns (so he can't eat them) and gadgets (so he can't knock them off) and give him desk access. Then again he'd probably just lie on the keyboard...

I'm not getting any crochet or knitting done though. Haven't been able to do anything yarns since the shamrock I did for st Patrick's day. When yarnstuff is the main "productive" thing I have (my brain is puritanically obsessed with being Productive), and I can't do it, I feel kind of bleh.

Yahtzee, possibly jealous of the attention Loki is getting, threw up this morning. Woo. I'm not taking him in to the vet unless he has continued problems, but. This was something I didn't need.

Anyway.

Happy April, happy Passover, happy Easter to those who celebrate. I aten't dead (despite depression badness right now).

Sleepy kitty picspam!

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I want to say something Deep and Profound and Meaningful about the recent
events in the news, ( blah )

I want to--

I can't.

I'm out of cope, out of words, out of energy.

So instead, have some pictures of new!kitty being cute, and one of Yahtzee
being ridorkulous.

( picses! )

Yahtzee was curled up on the couch; and I went over to say hi; and he rested his head on my knee in a kind of "yay comfy mom pillow" sort of way; and I almost started bawling.

I still sometimes feel like he deserves someone more awesome and more active than me, but the amount of love I have for him is just impossible.