i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

Happy Christmas Eve Eve, if you celebrate! I had big plans today to take advantage of the fact that there was no rain predicted for once (if you're unaware of the recent horrific weather in the PNW, check out some news to see the flood and wind damage we've experienced for weeks now) and go up to the clinic for a blood draw, since my primary care physician wants to see how my thyroid levels are doing now that I've been on the thyroid medication for a couple months. But I've been trapped here waiting for UPS to come to deliver my main chemo drug; I have to sign for it so not only can I not leave till they come, I can't even take a shower.

I'm extremely unhappy with UPS now for a lot of reasons, most of them still including the fact that I'm out $700+ because of the returned laptop that some asshat didn't bother to scan in. There are no options that will help me--everything requires that the tracking number be in the system, which is the very problem I have. The pickup person didn't put it in the system. And the company that it's supposed to be returned to won't do anything, either, so I'm just...screwed. And now I'm stuck here in my house waiting for my meds, which were supposed to be here this morning (they always wake me up early). Booo UPS.

I was feeling pretty low last time I posted, and I think I haven't really improved in terms of my mood. It's mostly the financial issues, but also the health stuff, and what next year will bring. I've been trying to find out about financial assistance for my chemo med that costs $23k a bottle (the one I'm waiting for) but it's looking like I won't qualify because of how much I messed up my taxes this year, or at least, I've been looking at the thresholds and it seems like because of what I screwed up on, I'll probably be just over the limit. I did sign up for the Medicare thing where they cap out of pockets/copays to $2k and allow you to spread it around over time, but I also signed up for that last year and the Part D drug insurance I had never did that. I basically blow through all my deductibles and copays right away, because when I get that first bottle of obscenely expensive Pomalyst pills, the $3k copay wipes out all the remaining balances. So I'm not sure what to expect in '26. And also I have a feeling, since that two thousand dollar cap was put in place under Joe's administration, they're going to do everything they can to get rid of it. America!

Sometimes I find myself feeling so bitter about all the lucky people I know who are able to get out of this country. There's nowhere for me to go, no place that would take me since I'm not rich (which would overcome my disability and age issues), and I just wish so much I could go somewhere else more sane. But I also think, good for them, get out while you can.

And while I was dealing with all the money stuff, it was like, I got a notice that my Dreamwidth account was expiring, and then my Editorial Freelancers Assn. dues were...um, due, and I was like, sure. Why not. Of course. But some really lovely person out there gave me six months of paid time, and I wish so much I knew who you were so I could properly thank you. It really came at such a perfect time, just struggling with that hopeless feeling, and reminding me that there are so many nice people out there. Thank you so much, friend! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I know I should not be putting more stuff on my credit cards, but I have decided that I'm going to Escapade next year again. Fortunately it's not ridiculously early like this year, and hopefully I won't have to drive home from the airport in a blizzard, but while I'm still physically able, I want to at least see some of the folks who will be going and just be in Southern California again. There wasn't a lot for me to do fannishly this last time, but just being around folks is enough.

For a while I wasn't able to continue with my reading, which bummed me a bit since I had been excited about catching up on books, but I'm back to it at least for a while. I left off The Golem and the Jinni about 1/3 of the way in, so I restarted that, and I'm also hoping that even though I'm not doing Yuletide again this year, I can go through the archive this time and find some fun stuff to read (last year, I somehow missed reading Yuletide entirely). I'm not doing anything as usual on actual Christmas, except I'm going to try to bake the ancient anise cookie recipe that no one else likes that Dad and I used to make. It's very challenging even when you're healthy, and I found it very physically taxing last time I did (2 years ago), but I feel determined. mlyn helped me with the cutting out and baking part, but since it's the actual holiday, I figured I'd be doing it myself. It could be very interesting.

And then I need to schedule an appointment with the endodontist after the holiday, because my worst fear came true and I will have to have a root canal for the tooth I had a crown replaced on last year. She warned me it might be a possibility, but still...everything was going great till a few months ago. The oncologist has stopped the infusions of zometa because of the necrosis of the jaw risk, but NGL, that whole thing still scares the shit out of me! Though I managed to walk out of chemo a couple weeks ago without getting my new chemo schedule, so I don't even know how soon any of it can happen!

I hope those of you celebrating this holiday have a great time. Thanks for listening to me whine this year, I really hope things will be a bit brighter this year for all of us.