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Mar. 3rd, 2023 09:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelI'm frustrated by ... so many things.
By my lack of spoons -- I rarely get anything done during the day and yet I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day, which sounds normal except that by the time I'm up and dressed and everything it's like 11:30, and I go back to bed a whole 7 hours late. First bedtime is for comfort not sleep, but I utterly *crash*. Seven hours! I used to be on a 9am-9pm day!
By my sleep schedule -- if I actually go to sleep at 7 I'll be impossibly awake later on, so I don't, but by the time I'm ready to sleep through the night, my brain has gone into "too tired to sleep" cranky toddler mode. And it takes hours to get to sleep, and I never feel rested. I don't even remember what that feels like.
By my brain -- lack of executive function plus time blindness means I have so many things hopelessly backlogged, including just simple fucking emails. And I have so many ideas for things I'd like to train Phoebe on, but always I either don't have energy, or don't think of it when I have someone around to help, or I just can't fucking ask because it's not urgent (not in the same way as needing the bathroom) and I don't want to ~bother~ them.
By my hands -- I've lost so much dexterity and grip strength, I can barely do anything, plus they hurt all the time but especially at night.
By my perfectionism -- I haven't done art stuff in ages, because it always looks wrong and I give up on it way too fast. I can follow tutorials okay but even that is of course imperfect; things I do from scratch rarely work, or the different elements don't match up, or the proportions are wrong, or a small part is lovely and the rest is trash, or...
By my lack of aides -- I'm down to three, one who does the scheduling plus two shifts, the other two who split the remainder. I need more, but no one is applying, and the campus job-posting site has been changed to only corporation recruitment, and I don't know how else to get people. And this is a constant fucking thing. I was good for a while, with like six or more people, but a lot of them either graduated or got other jobs; I'm never permanently set on aides, and always have to be recruiting and searching (and if I find oeople, training them)
I wish I could just... not have issues
By my lack of spoons -- I rarely get anything done during the day and yet I'm utterly exhausted at the end of the day, which sounds normal except that by the time I'm up and dressed and everything it's like 11:30, and I go back to bed a whole 7 hours late. First bedtime is for comfort not sleep, but I utterly *crash*. Seven hours! I used to be on a 9am-9pm day!
By my sleep schedule -- if I actually go to sleep at 7 I'll be impossibly awake later on, so I don't, but by the time I'm ready to sleep through the night, my brain has gone into "too tired to sleep" cranky toddler mode. And it takes hours to get to sleep, and I never feel rested. I don't even remember what that feels like.
By my brain -- lack of executive function plus time blindness means I have so many things hopelessly backlogged, including just simple fucking emails. And I have so many ideas for things I'd like to train Phoebe on, but always I either don't have energy, or don't think of it when I have someone around to help, or I just can't fucking ask because it's not urgent (not in the same way as needing the bathroom) and I don't want to ~bother~ them.
By my hands -- I've lost so much dexterity and grip strength, I can barely do anything, plus they hurt all the time but especially at night.
By my perfectionism -- I haven't done art stuff in ages, because it always looks wrong and I give up on it way too fast. I can follow tutorials okay but even that is of course imperfect; things I do from scratch rarely work, or the different elements don't match up, or the proportions are wrong, or a small part is lovely and the rest is trash, or...
By my lack of aides -- I'm down to three, one who does the scheduling plus two shifts, the other two who split the remainder. I need more, but no one is applying, and the campus job-posting site has been changed to only corporation recruitment, and I don't know how else to get people. And this is a constant fucking thing. I was good for a while, with like six or more people, but a lot of them either graduated or got other jobs; I'm never permanently set on aides, and always have to be recruiting and searching (and if I find oeople, training them)
I wish I could just... not have issues