this is not particularly fun

[ysobel]

So last night, I went to a concert, and it was great, the music was great, and I ... came very very very close to full-out crying at a couple of points. For no reason. It wasn't contextual, wasn't triggered by anything in the music or anything that had happened, but I kept getting horribly upset, to the point of blurry vision because of tears in my eyes that dammit I was not going to let escape.

And my mind kept wandering to. I don't even know. Depressing stuff. Missing things that aren't available. Wanting things that I can't have.

(I want to walk barefoot through grass. I want to walk through beach sand and into ankle-deep waves. I want to ride a bike. I want to stretch my arms over my head. I want to use a swingset, and pump myself higher and higher until it feels like I'm flying. I want to rub my eyes. I want to eat an ice cream cone. I want to be able to drink out of a glass or bottle or can. I want to be able to crouch down and pet a dog, or flop on the floor and let a kitten crawl all over me. I want to learn how to do rock climbing. I want to swim laps. I want to learn how to rollerblade. I want. So much I want.)

Some of this is PMSy hormoney shit, but I usually get apathetic depression, not this sort of crying heartache.

Some of it feels like grief, but for what, and why now, and why for things that I never did (and in some cases had no interest in back when I was physically able)? Why can't I shake it>

...Why can't I have a new body?

Comments

[lferion]

*Hugs you hard*

Grief (and grief is a totally legit, real, appropriate thing for what you are having to deal with, which is *loss*) is a strange and unpredictable process. It sneaks up on one.

*Hugs you moar*

[azurelunatic]

*doesn't have anything useful to say, but sits quietly*

[vass]

*hugs*

[snow]

*many hugs*

[melissima]

/hugs/

[mathsnerd]

I can relate and empathise. *hugs*