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state of the me
Sep. 28th, 2010 01:39 pmam still trying to find ways to do sock knitting. (for those who don't remember, lemme 'splain ... no, there is too much, let me sum up. Hands are fixed in position about half a foot apart from each other, right in front of my stomach. I knit by using long (10" or longer) needles -- which limits me to dpns and straights, since circs do not exist with long enough needle part -- and by having one hand near the tips of the needles to manage yarn and stitches and suchlike, and the other hand at the base of its needle. English style knitting does not work because the only way I can manage it involves letting go of the right needle, which tends to slip out; Continental style works for knitting, haven't managed purling in a way that works, except that the bamboo needles below size 5 (US) are flexible enough that I can't keep the yarn on the needle while I'm trying to make a stitch. I'd try using metal normal-length dpns with a locking hemostat type thing to hold one needle with, but I can't find my set of sock dpns and anyway the hemostats would probably scratch the needles up. Sock loom works physically, but the gauge is bafflingly off, in that I have completed a toe of 60-stitch circumference and even after about a week off the loom to allow it to relax it's rather too big and there are other issues there anyway.)
brain is not in good place. sigma is very persuasive, and it is so much easier to just let myself fall back into the pit where it wants me to be. I don't want to be there but I'm halfway down and can't figure out how to climb up. some of this is medication issues (changed pharmacies, which meant one of the depression meds was from a different manufacturer, and apparently that's enough to fsck with my brain chemistry) and some of it is self-worth issues (which partly is a self-feeding cycle with the depression, and partly has to do with the fact that I physically can't do 99% of the things I'd like to and am too lazy and/or scared to do the effort required for the other 1%).
i should be happy. there are a hundred reasons why. i'm not, and the main reason is that i'm not doing anything Useful. can't tell you what Useful is, per se, but i'm not doing it. the point of life is to a) pass on genetic code, which is so very bad of an idea in my case; b) contribute something; or c) enjoy things. not managing any of those. sigma keeps telling me that I am wasting my college education, and I think it's right. there are things I should be doing, and i'm not, and it's easier to hate myself for it (and whine in my journal) than to fix the things that are wrong.
mrrp.
brain is not in good place. sigma is very persuasive, and it is so much easier to just let myself fall back into the pit where it wants me to be. I don't want to be there but I'm halfway down and can't figure out how to climb up. some of this is medication issues (changed pharmacies, which meant one of the depression meds was from a different manufacturer, and apparently that's enough to fsck with my brain chemistry) and some of it is self-worth issues (which partly is a self-feeding cycle with the depression, and partly has to do with the fact that I physically can't do 99% of the things I'd like to and am too lazy and/or scared to do the effort required for the other 1%).
i should be happy. there are a hundred reasons why. i'm not, and the main reason is that i'm not doing anything Useful. can't tell you what Useful is, per se, but i'm not doing it. the point of life is to a) pass on genetic code, which is so very bad of an idea in my case; b) contribute something; or c) enjoy things. not managing any of those. sigma keeps telling me that I am wasting my college education, and I think it's right. there are things I should be doing, and i'm not, and it's easier to hate myself for it (and whine in my journal) than to fix the things that are wrong.
mrrp.