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Jan. 18th, 2013 03:07 pmIt occurs to me, every once in a while, that pain -- especially the chronic sort -- sucks. Metaphorically, in the "it is not a pleasant experience" sense, but also literally, in the sense that it kind of absorbs a lot of energy and (metaphorical) spoons.
I would be better off remembering this more often so I don't get trapped in loops mental loops of "why am I tired I haven't actually DONE anything → wow I suck".
#
My arm hurts right now.
This is new, as of this morning. I don't quite know how to categorize it, beyond "it hurts", but I have enough experience with my body to be able to feel some amount of inflammation there, but it's not *just* that, but I can't really... I don't know. Fairly low level of pain (given that I have a somewhat skewed pain scale), dull and constant, and I can't describe it beyond that.
It feels sort of like what happens when you do way too much activity in one position and your muscle sort of stiffens up. (Complete with the aspect where doing what I can to stretch, hurts but in a mostly-feels-good sort of way.) Which is a) kind of loltastic since pretty much everything I do is "in one position", and b) scary as fuck.
So, okay, one of the end results of the condition I have is that pretty much every movable part of my body is fused with bone. I've said before that it would be easier and shorter to list Things That Can Still Move (at this point: jaw, one wrist, 80% of finger joints, knees, and about 50% of toe joints; and most of that is only small amounts of possible movement) than Things That Can't (every fucking other joint or bendy bit).
My left hand is pretty much fixed in place, palm down, and there is minimal wrist movement left. I can go side to side just enough that my fingertips can shift over an inch, and up and down about the same amount. Of course, I describe this in terms of wrist movement (and that is how I think of it) but really the problems aren't so much in my wrist as in my elbow -- a few years back I had a FOP flare-up that left a ridge of bone running from my elbow down the forearm. (Sorry, don't have the anatomical knowledge to say which one specifically.) This simultaneously locked the radius and ulna in position -- which prevents the movement required to go from palm-down to palm-up -- and kept the muscle itself from stretching out, affecting the ability to bend my wrist down. And of course, because my condition is an annoying little fucker like that, the change was overnight, not gradual. I haven't been able to do palm-up in ages, but I was able to at least have full wrist mobility (including the aspects that are really forearm mobility but whatever), until wham I couldn't.
My right hand has a bit more movement to it; it defaults to palm-down, or at least palm sort of down (maybe about a 20° angle), and the wrist itself isn't much better than the left, but the forearm mobility is better. Can't straighten (or bend) the elbow any, but I can twist my arm so that the palm points towards me, probably around 95°. This twist, along with what remains of my ability to curl my palm and fingers in, is helpful for things like tucking my hand in enough that the joystick unit for my chair can be flipped up out of the way or back down where I can reach it, and like crocheting, and like holding a cup of water or tea. (I can't hold it normally, but I can kind of pin it between the heel of my hand (with thumb as leverage) and my body and support the bottom of the cup with my fingers -- and when the alternative is holding it in my left hand between the thumb and the side of the first finger with absolutely no support [seriously, try holding a cup with thumb and first finger with your palm down, it's awesome amounts of fun], it's, well, better than the alternative.)
And what kind of terrifies me is that the place where my right arm is hurting -- upper part of the forearm just beyond the elbow -- is exactly the same place as the flare-up that took my left wrist movement. Well, not precisely the same, since it's right side and not left, but the equivalent. Whatever.
That doesn't mean it's guaranteed to have the same result. It could just be random unrelated pain; it could be a flare-up that doesn't leave behind the same amount of bone; it could go away and not leave me any worse.
Or ... it could.
And I can't do anything about it, just wait and see.
I would be better off remembering this more often so I don't get trapped in loops mental loops of "why am I tired I haven't actually DONE anything → wow I suck".
#
My arm hurts right now.
This is new, as of this morning. I don't quite know how to categorize it, beyond "it hurts", but I have enough experience with my body to be able to feel some amount of inflammation there, but it's not *just* that, but I can't really... I don't know. Fairly low level of pain (given that I have a somewhat skewed pain scale), dull and constant, and I can't describe it beyond that.
It feels sort of like what happens when you do way too much activity in one position and your muscle sort of stiffens up. (Complete with the aspect where doing what I can to stretch, hurts but in a mostly-feels-good sort of way.) Which is a) kind of loltastic since pretty much everything I do is "in one position", and b) scary as fuck.
So, okay, one of the end results of the condition I have is that pretty much every movable part of my body is fused with bone. I've said before that it would be easier and shorter to list Things That Can Still Move (at this point: jaw, one wrist, 80% of finger joints, knees, and about 50% of toe joints; and most of that is only small amounts of possible movement) than Things That Can't (every fucking other joint or bendy bit).
My left hand is pretty much fixed in place, palm down, and there is minimal wrist movement left. I can go side to side just enough that my fingertips can shift over an inch, and up and down about the same amount. Of course, I describe this in terms of wrist movement (and that is how I think of it) but really the problems aren't so much in my wrist as in my elbow -- a few years back I had a FOP flare-up that left a ridge of bone running from my elbow down the forearm. (Sorry, don't have the anatomical knowledge to say which one specifically.) This simultaneously locked the radius and ulna in position -- which prevents the movement required to go from palm-down to palm-up -- and kept the muscle itself from stretching out, affecting the ability to bend my wrist down. And of course, because my condition is an annoying little fucker like that, the change was overnight, not gradual. I haven't been able to do palm-up in ages, but I was able to at least have full wrist mobility (including the aspects that are really forearm mobility but whatever), until wham I couldn't.
My right hand has a bit more movement to it; it defaults to palm-down, or at least palm sort of down (maybe about a 20° angle), and the wrist itself isn't much better than the left, but the forearm mobility is better. Can't straighten (or bend) the elbow any, but I can twist my arm so that the palm points towards me, probably around 95°. This twist, along with what remains of my ability to curl my palm and fingers in, is helpful for things like tucking my hand in enough that the joystick unit for my chair can be flipped up out of the way or back down where I can reach it, and like crocheting, and like holding a cup of water or tea. (I can't hold it normally, but I can kind of pin it between the heel of my hand (with thumb as leverage) and my body and support the bottom of the cup with my fingers -- and when the alternative is holding it in my left hand between the thumb and the side of the first finger with absolutely no support [seriously, try holding a cup with thumb and first finger with your palm down, it's awesome amounts of fun], it's, well, better than the alternative.)
And what kind of terrifies me is that the place where my right arm is hurting -- upper part of the forearm just beyond the elbow -- is exactly the same place as the flare-up that took my left wrist movement. Well, not precisely the same, since it's right side and not left, but the equivalent. Whatever.
That doesn't mean it's guaranteed to have the same result. It could just be random unrelated pain; it could be a flare-up that doesn't leave behind the same amount of bone; it could go away and not leave me any worse.
Or ... it could.
And I can't do anything about it, just wait and see.