(no subject)

[ysobel]

This is not an easy entry to write.

I'm not sure that I have the courage to post it.

(If you see this, obviously I did. If you don't, well, you won't see this anyway.)

#

I sometimes grumble about how the System is set up to discourage me from having a job. It's not wrong: the benefits I get are need-based, but the gap between the maximum allowed income (very low) and the income I would need to make up for the missed benefits (rather higher) is significant.

It was kind of a relief, in a way, because I wasn't able to find a job -- a combination of being female, being disabled, being naive as fuck, being shy, being honest to the point of undervaluing myself and my achievements, being a wet-behind-the-ears graduate with no real work experience, and hitting an oversaturated job market. So having an excuse for being unemployed helped.

But the fact is that I don't have a job, in a society that defines us by jobs ("what do you want to be when you grow up?" for kids, "so what do you do for a living"/"where are you working?" for adults). In a society that sees people without a job as a Burden On Society.

I don't know when I internalized this.

Not about anyone else. Just me. I don't have any way to define myself. I don't do anything. I don't contribute. I am not a Useful Member Of Society.;

I am, but I've forgotten how to believe it.

#

I've also forgotten how to /want/. How to be passionate about something. How to have goals.

(where do you see yourself in five years?)

It used to be that I would have dreams. Ambitions. Things I was going to do.

(about where i am now)

And then I started Getting Realistic. Curbing the dreams that were sky-high; aiming for ones that I could plausibly attain. And without me noticing, the threshold got lower and lower, the reasons Why Not came more readily, and then I stopped even trying.

(nowhere)

#

I.

I want.

I want to learn more languages than is remotely possible. German and Spanish and Russian and Bulgarian and Hebrew and Danish and Polish and Finnish and Japanese and Latin and Greek and and and I can't even think of what else

(except I'm horrible at teaching myself a language and local universities don't have a lot of what I want and the ones I do want tend to be full of actual proper students and also occurring at 8am or 9am and anyway I don't know that I would be up to the physical tasks involved in taking a class)

and I want to be a translator for sff stories

(but that requires knowing other languages, which I don't, and also requires having translation talent, and also requires knowing people in the appropriate field, it's not like just anyone can walk in from the street and translate stuff all official-like)

and I want to be a Blogger

(except I can't think of a topic, or more precisely can't decide on a topic since there's disability stuff and knitting stuff and writing stuff and whatever else and I can't ever settle on one and anyway no one would care what I write there are enough bloggers anyway I wouldn't have anything unique to say)

and I want to get writing published

(except that I don't write, and even if I did there's the whole revision and polishing and critiquing and sending in for submission and, for novel length stuff, getting an agent and getting an editor and getting publicity and whateverthehell else, which is terrifying in its own right but very moot since /I don't write/ and can't write and haven't written in ages and don't think I can any more and can't come up with ideas)

#

and I'm scared. scared of trying. scared of failing; scared of not failing; scared of succeeding; scared of creating mediocrity. scared of disappointing other people, of disappointing myself. scared of being laughed at. scared of you-should-have-known-better.

scared of myself.

scared of hope.

#

I probably shouldn't post this. Especially because it's just more whiny self-pitying drivel. shutupshutupshutup.

Comments

[rainbow]

one thing that helped me was someone pointing out about 4 years ago that "what do you do?" and "how do you make money to live on?" are really 2 very different questions but in our culture they've been smooshed together.

once i learned to unsmoosh them and started practising it, it got easier and easier to asnwer the question the first way.

someone asked me just last night "What DO you do?" (odd emphasis because i'd answered a question and noted i'm not a dr).

i answered "i do intuitive readings, garden (organic and permaculture with a strong focus on edibles and medicinals), research things of interest to me, draw, write, read, cuddle my cats, make ferments, cuddle my cats, knit, felt, take photos, do digital artwork, and lots more.

what do you do?" (i only just noticed now that i put in cuddle my cats twice. yet it's quite appropriate *g*).

i don't know all the t hings you do and i know we have very very different limitations, but i know you sing awesomely, you write, you read, you knit, you play with your kitty, you do (or did) volunteer work for dw (i think?), you adventure/game, you battle sigma. and i'm certain there's more.

i do get being scared. i found i have to ask myself the worst thing that could happen. i don't do things where someone else (human or animal) could come to harm. so no driving the past 6 years. no trying things where the cats could get hurt. no trying things where p could get hurt.

but being laughed at, while painful, is liveable. disappointing ppl is liveable. failing at things is liveable. i still HATE doing them, but i lovelovelove trying new things and enjoying them and sometimes i'm really good at them. and every time i am it gives me more courage to try other new things.

taking baby steps helps me, too. if i look at huge things i get discouraged or overwelmed, but if i tell myself i want to do x and i'm going to just try x and if i like x and i can do x, maybe i'll want to try y, the next step in xyz. but i don't HAVE to, i can only do x if i want. for me it takes a lot of pressure off me.

*fierce hugs* *lovelovelove*

[disastrously]

You know... I had never thought of it that way before, that the two questions might be smooshed together...

I have very different limitations than either of you, but I think I need to unsmoosh those questions and practice unsmooshing them too.

There are precious few jobs that a blind person can do around here, for example, but even yet we still feel like a failure when we can't find a job we could realistically do.

And I agree with everything you just said in this comment.

*Hugs you, if you'd not mind*
-Axel

[rainbow]

i'd never realised the smooshing til it was pointed out...and i was about 45 then!

unsmooshing has been a major good thing for me.

hugs are fine *hugs offered*

~carys

[meloukhia]

♥ I want to live in a world where the value of human beings is not determined solely by whether they work at a job.

The world is a scary, scary place. It's not whiny to talk about that.

[disastrously]

For what it is worth, I think you have many unique and very important things to say.

I value your opinions, respect your intelligence and if you were a blogger I would read your blog daily.

As for learning languages, I know some Spanish, not nearly enough, and I'm slowly losing it from disuse which absolutely breaks my heart, and I wish I had someone to teach it to. If I could use it again, even in the context of teaching someone what little I know...

Also, I don't think of this as self-pitying dravel.
And I understand that feeling of not knowing how to want anymore.

[spoke]

*many many hugs* The world is always going to be scary. Shutting up only makes it scarier. And there are other comments on here, that express things better, and you should listen to them!

I just. Wanted to give hugs, and remind you that people care, even if they don't know what to say. *more hugs*

[lferion]

*Hugs you and hugs you and hugs you*

I don't have anything useful to say, except that I am glad you are in my life, that you *are*. I know I don't comment much, but I do read & think about you.

And I've been loving the kitten-tales.

[trialia]

*hug* Actually, you sound exactly like the inside of my own head. Apart from the bit where you're a graduate and I never got to university before my health fell apart.

Don't be afraid to post this stuff. It helps us all know you better. *Hugs again.*

[azurelunatic]

*makes marshmallow noises*

[sophie]

*offers hugs*

I too am glad you're in my life, and although I don't know you that well, from what I can tell you're stronger-willed than you sometimes give yourself credit for.

Take care of yourself. You deserve it.

[carrie]

(Hi. I know we haven't talked in ages. confession time: I had a Feeling that I needed to find you (I'm getting in touch with my Feelings, lol) and that's what made me look you up again.)

I think it's incredibly unfair that our culture ranks you by the job you have. I read this today and found it very inspiring: http://www.i-resign.com/uk/jobseekers/choosenottowork.asp

Your blogging just about the kitty? I read every single one of them and it was delightful. You absolutely still have passion; it's evident from those entries. Your passion's being overwhelmed by the unkind thoughts, thoughts that aren't true.

It is true that writing is fucking hard and not romantic in the least, and that the world can be cruel and judgmental. And some days the words flow, kitties curl up and purr, and the world is beautiful. The day is what it is, we can't change that. The one thing we can control is how we react to it and what we do with it.

Forgive me for what probably looks like a lot of platitudes. But I wanted to say I still like you and I think you can do far more than you credit yourself for. Your goals are high but that doesn't mean they're not attainable. :)

[jesse_the_k]

Oh dear. Congrats for posting anyway. Like you I often feel that, without a paycheck, I'm not really a contributing member of society.

I have written every one of those sentences, but not had the courage to post them. So one thing you do is give life to my grim dark feelings. Thanks!

Sunny Taylor has a wonderful article about The Right Not To Work in the March 2004 edition of Monthly Review.

[rydra_wong]

I'm very glad you posted this because a lot of it sounds like the inside of my head too.