most of all that love has found us

[ysobel]

In addition to the somewhat miserable oddness from this morning, and probably related to the whole limited sleep thing, I was feeling kind of mopey tonight. My normal weekend PA is sick, which means I was on a backup PA, and the last time she'd come I'd given her an estimate of when I'd need toileting next, except I overestimated -- why is it that when it doesn't matter I can go long stretches without needing to pee, but as soon as it does matter I can't? -- and some weird combination of pride (the bad sort) and guilt and Not Wanting To Be A Burden meant I was reluctant to call her as soon as I should have; which led to needing to change my pants (some quirk of my body mechanics, possibly related to the fact that the last time a doctor tried to put in a temporary catheter using the smallest babyest catheter they could find they still weren't able to get in, means that there is a level of urgency where I am fine until I stand up to transfer, and then it's all bad) and of course they were the light grey pants so the wetness was immediately visible and I hate being incompetent incontinent even a little even though logic-brain knows it's not a personal failing, and then I had to have a bowel movement which led to toilet clogging and also, as part of the wiping process (because I can't lean forward or sideways or any other helpful way so I have to stand up before my butt can be wiped), led to a plop of poop that would have landed on my pants if I'd not already had her take them off but did hit my shoe and then land on the floor, and I hate that too, added onto the general shame of "somebody has to clean up my poop", and yes I know I have so many issues I practically have a subscription but whatever ... and also I am probably going to be dropping out of stargate_summer just because I don't think I'm ready enough and I don't know for sure that that's the story I want to write, except that pulling out feels like failing ... and ...

... and then I came out, and Suri mrrped at me and jumped onto my lap (to which I did my usual tilting back thing so she doesn't slide off) and licked herself a bunch and then settled herself for a snooze. And oh I wish I could have gotten pictures -- which I couldn't, of course, because for one thing I wouldn't have been able to get a good angle that wasn't just OMGFUR and for another any movement, even going for my cell phone, would have disturbed her -- but she started out by streeeetching one leg up my stomach and resting her chin on that leg; and then a bit later she shifted a little into superman-kitty pose, both legs stretched up my stomach and her head curled on the same leg so close to my hand that I can feel her breaths; and then she shifted more with both her front paws on my hand, crossed at the wrist; and then tucked one paw into a curl under my hand; and in the interludes, dozing off, twitching sometimes, all of the poses with her head moving as I breathed.

And I was overwhelmed with love and warmth and trust and /love/, simple and totally uncaring of what I perceived as failures in myself.

For the wonders that astound us,
for the truths that still confound us,
most of all that love has found us,
thanks be to God.

...kitty zen ftw.

Comments

[helens78]

AWWWW KITTY ZEN. ♥

[krait]

Heehee, kitty zen! I tell you, you lucked out, catwise! The kitten I live with is adorable and fun and curious and goofy, but she is emphatically NOT a lap cat, does not want to be a lap cat, and will not put up with being treated like a lap cat for longer than it takes her to squirm/claw her way free. Sigh. She loves being near people, and will even sometimes sit on my ankles if I'm stretched out on the couch, but there is no snuggling and no purring/grooming/petting the human or anything.