/throws things/
Jul. 31st, 2012 02:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelI am feeling whiny; enter at your own risk
gfdi I am beyond sick of this fucked up condition that I have, and sick of not being able to do much of anything, and sick of the fucked up brain that keeps me from doing things I physically can, and why am I stuck with both, and sick of sentimental glurge about how the only disability is a bad attitude (sorry, too much time on facebook)
and I miss being able to
well
everything
but I miss being able to knit easily, and I miss like hell being able to do cross-stitch, and I miss having stories spilling out of my brain, and I miss
fuck
lots of things
and I can't even THROW THINGS the way I want to
and my knee has been fucked up, I don't know how or why but it's making transfers next to impossible, and it hurts, and I'm going through pain meds like candy and they help but not completely
(I want a body that isn't this one. or that is this one, because this is the body I know, this is home, but that is this one without the fuckery)
and I was going to play diablo 3 for a bit to get virtual smashy fun, except it's tuesday so there's server maintenance and then they extended the maintenance and then the servers came back up but no one could actually play so they took them down again with an estimate of 4pm, and goddammit I just want to punch skeletons in the face is that too much to ask (apparently it is)
and I do have other games but none of them are quite as, er, HULK SMASH
(and this is a rather trivial problem, I know -- not being able to play a video game for a day is not really any hardship in the long run -- but it's sort of one of my escape mechanisms, and without it I amclawing at the walls)
and I ought to be writing on clarion stuff but I am failing so hard at that it isn't even funny
and I could be working on ravelympics / kink bingo stuff except a) the hedgehog is at the point where i need to stuff it and I can't find my stuffing and I don't want to buy more because I know I have loads somewhere but I don't know where it is, and I can't finish off the body until I stuff it and I can't add the fur until I finish the body, and b) the next project in line is knit rather than crochet which scares me because I haven't knit in a while because it's too damn frustrating, and c) I have limited room so I can only really have one active project out at a time so if I change what project I'm working on I have to find somewhere to put the half-done hedgie and the yarn and the other yarn and then have to get out the yarn for the new project and get it settled
(er. ravellenic games, not ravelympics. wtfever.)
and I am just crying and miserable and furious and angry and agitated, and trying not to be all these things because my PA is here and I hate being those things in front of people and also because it would be better for my mental health if I could stop obsessing about what's wrong (woe is me) and start focussing on what's right, find things I am grateful for
but that's not really going to happen
because, y'know, I like being miserable?
or somethuing
(I /am/ miserable often enough, I must like it, or I wouldn't keep letting it happen)
nrgh.
...anyone who actually read this gets a cookie ♥ not that I expect anone did, because my journal lately has been complainy with a side of boring. and this isn't helping.
sigh.
gfdi I am beyond sick of this fucked up condition that I have, and sick of not being able to do much of anything, and sick of the fucked up brain that keeps me from doing things I physically can, and why am I stuck with both, and sick of sentimental glurge about how the only disability is a bad attitude (sorry, too much time on facebook)
and I miss being able to
well
everything
but I miss being able to knit easily, and I miss like hell being able to do cross-stitch, and I miss having stories spilling out of my brain, and I miss
fuck
lots of things
and I can't even THROW THINGS the way I want to
and my knee has been fucked up, I don't know how or why but it's making transfers next to impossible, and it hurts, and I'm going through pain meds like candy and they help but not completely
(I want a body that isn't this one. or that is this one, because this is the body I know, this is home, but that is this one without the fuckery)
and I was going to play diablo 3 for a bit to get virtual smashy fun, except it's tuesday so there's server maintenance and then they extended the maintenance and then the servers came back up but no one could actually play so they took them down again with an estimate of 4pm, and goddammit I just want to punch skeletons in the face is that too much to ask (apparently it is)
and I do have other games but none of them are quite as, er, HULK SMASH
(and this is a rather trivial problem, I know -- not being able to play a video game for a day is not really any hardship in the long run -- but it's sort of one of my escape mechanisms, and without it I amclawing at the walls)
and I ought to be writing on clarion stuff but I am failing so hard at that it isn't even funny
and I could be working on ravelympics / kink bingo stuff except a) the hedgehog is at the point where i need to stuff it and I can't find my stuffing and I don't want to buy more because I know I have loads somewhere but I don't know where it is, and I can't finish off the body until I stuff it and I can't add the fur until I finish the body, and b) the next project in line is knit rather than crochet which scares me because I haven't knit in a while because it's too damn frustrating, and c) I have limited room so I can only really have one active project out at a time so if I change what project I'm working on I have to find somewhere to put the half-done hedgie and the yarn and the other yarn and then have to get out the yarn for the new project and get it settled
(er. ravellenic games, not ravelympics. wtfever.)
and I am just crying and miserable and furious and angry and agitated, and trying not to be all these things because my PA is here and I hate being those things in front of people and also because it would be better for my mental health if I could stop obsessing about what's wrong (woe is me) and start focussing on what's right, find things I am grateful for
but that's not really going to happen
because, y'know, I like being miserable?
or somethuing
(I /am/ miserable often enough, I must like it, or I wouldn't keep letting it happen)
nrgh.
...anyone who actually read this gets a cookie ♥ not that I expect anone did, because my journal lately has been complainy with a side of boring. and this isn't helping.
sigh.