/throws things/

[ysobel]

I am feeling whiny; enter at your own risk

gfdi I am beyond sick of this fucked up condition that I have, and sick of not being able to do much of anything, and sick of the fucked up brain that keeps me from doing things I physically can, and why am I stuck with both, and sick of sentimental glurge about how the only disability is a bad attitude (sorry, too much time on facebook)

and I miss being able to

well

everything

but I miss being able to knit easily, and I miss like hell being able to do cross-stitch, and I miss having stories spilling out of my brain, and I miss

fuck

lots of things

and I can't even THROW THINGS the way I want to

and my knee has been fucked up, I don't know how or why but it's making transfers next to impossible, and it hurts, and I'm going through pain meds like candy and they help but not completely

(I want a body that isn't this one. or that is this one, because this is the body I know, this is home, but that is this one without the fuckery)

and I was going to play diablo 3 for a bit to get virtual smashy fun, except it's tuesday so there's server maintenance and then they extended the maintenance and then the servers came back up but no one could actually play so they took them down again with an estimate of 4pm, and goddammit I just want to punch skeletons in the face is that too much to ask (apparently it is)

and I do have other games but none of them are quite as, er, HULK SMASH

(and this is a rather trivial problem, I know -- not being able to play a video game for a day is not really any hardship in the long run -- but it's sort of one of my escape mechanisms, and without it I amclawing at the walls)

and I ought to be writing on clarion stuff but I am failing so hard at that it isn't even funny

and I could be working on ravelympics / kink bingo stuff except a) the hedgehog is at the point where i need to stuff it and I can't find my stuffing and I don't want to buy more because I know I have loads somewhere but I don't know where it is, and I can't finish off the body until I stuff it and I can't add the fur until I finish the body, and b) the next project in line is knit rather than crochet which scares me because I haven't knit in a while because it's too damn frustrating, and c) I have limited room so I can only really have one active project out at a time so if I change what project I'm working on I have to find somewhere to put the half-done hedgie and the yarn and the other yarn and then have to get out the yarn for the new project and get it settled

(er. ravellenic games, not ravelympics. wtfever.)

and I am just crying and miserable and furious and angry and agitated, and trying not to be all these things because my PA is here and I hate being those things in front of people and also because it would be better for my mental health if I could stop obsessing about what's wrong (woe is me) and start focussing on what's right, find things I am grateful for

but that's not really going to happen

because, y'know, I like being miserable?

or somethuing

(I /am/ miserable often enough, I must like it, or I wouldn't keep letting it happen)

nrgh.

...anyone who actually read this gets a cookie ♥ not that I expect anone did, because my journal lately has been complainy with a side of boring. and this isn't helping.

sigh.

Comments

[killing_rose]

~offers you a cookie and sweet tea~ Bodies suck. Brains suck more. There is a reason why my house argues that our brains are too diseased for the zombies--because it's true.

[synecdochic]

anybody who says the only disability is a bad attitude should come over

i'll beat them to pieces with my cane

then they can have a comparison and my bad attitude will be feeling better

[not_a_sniglet]

Ahahahahahaha THIS! OMG THIS!

Hey, can I come over and beat them with our cane too? I'll bring pizza, cookies and the alcoholic or nonalcoholic beverage of your choice. Though ours is a lighter cane, being a white cane as opposed to the type of cane you walk with. But it IS held together with a string so that bit could be useful? :P

[rainbow]

sending you vibes and love. and *hugs* offered.

[darthneko]

*hugs* ...and what Synecdochic said. Facebook denizens, in general principle, need to be beaten for a certain amount of dumb.

[jesse_the_k]

Here's Vass raging ragey rage at that damn attitude macro:
http://vass.dreamwidth.org/1460257.html

And I spent all day yesterday on the pity pot and I've still got tons of function left because it doesn't matter.... Ooops your post not mine.

I've been collecting edible cookies lately and I have some tea so I'm ready for you!

[azurelunatic]

♥

[alexseanchai]

hugs?

[not_a_sniglet]

Hey. We read. We always read every post. We care about you. *Hug*

We know of another game, while Diablo servers are down. Whole point? Kill zombies with whatever weaponry you have.

Also, not much mouse use, and can be played perfectly well without a mouse at all, actually. It's mainly audio though, though there are representative abstract graphics. If you wanted to try it, I could link you to the page.

But if not, know that we're here and we think you're wonderful, and you're an awesome person and a huge inspiration to us because you deal with depression and anxiety, and even though you think you're whining, it doesn't seem that way to us.

If you need us, you still have our AIM address, and you can give us a PM. We even had a way you could text us if you wanted. We know how miserable this shit can get.

*More hugs*

-Us