(no subject)
May. 31st, 2013 11:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelmy brain will not shut up
It's not being productive, just sort of scrabbling around like a trapped animal that has no way to escape but can't stop trying
suri is back to scarybad shape; she ate this morning but then spent the entire day sleeping in a cubby and then when she did come out she kept falling over, and now she can't even walk, and she's scary cold, and she isn't really moving much, even to protest being wrapped in a blanket
and part of me knows it's probably time ... that chances are high she will die during the night, and if not I should probably talk with the vet about putting her to sleep
(and really the last two weeks have been borrowed time, that no matter how much I hoped for continued recovery it was not likely)
but that feels too much like murder
(not a general stance re helping a dying pet, just irrational gut feeling for me for this particular case)
or am I just being reluctant because of how I would have been put to sleep long ago, were I a pet
and dammit I wish I knew what /she/ wanted, whether she is grateful for the extra moments of life or whether she is just miserable and/or too far gone to care
and it hurts that I can't do anything for her
(not that anyone can really, but she can't get to me and I can't get to her and anyway I can't physically pet her easily -- which was perfectly ok when she was healthy, because she preferred licking to being petted, so I would just sit there as a cat bed with lollipop hands, but not so useful now -- and she's getting pettings from my roommate and I've talked to her and told her how much I love her, but it's not enough)
...dammit
(comments set to not email because right now I cannot cope. you are welcome to leave comments anyway, or not, as you choose, but I don't know when I will see them)
(not that I have a great track record of responding to comments even when I do see them)
It's not being productive, just sort of scrabbling around like a trapped animal that has no way to escape but can't stop trying
suri is back to scarybad shape; she ate this morning but then spent the entire day sleeping in a cubby and then when she did come out she kept falling over, and now she can't even walk, and she's scary cold, and she isn't really moving much, even to protest being wrapped in a blanket
and part of me knows it's probably time ... that chances are high she will die during the night, and if not I should probably talk with the vet about putting her to sleep
(and really the last two weeks have been borrowed time, that no matter how much I hoped for continued recovery it was not likely)
but that feels too much like murder
(not a general stance re helping a dying pet, just irrational gut feeling for me for this particular case)
or am I just being reluctant because of how I would have been put to sleep long ago, were I a pet
and dammit I wish I knew what /she/ wanted, whether she is grateful for the extra moments of life or whether she is just miserable and/or too far gone to care
and it hurts that I can't do anything for her
(not that anyone can really, but she can't get to me and I can't get to her and anyway I can't physically pet her easily -- which was perfectly ok when she was healthy, because she preferred licking to being petted, so I would just sit there as a cat bed with lollipop hands, but not so useful now -- and she's getting pettings from my roommate and I've talked to her and told her how much I love her, but it's not enough)
...dammit
(comments set to not email because right now I cannot cope. you are welcome to leave comments anyway, or not, as you choose, but I don't know when I will see them)
(not that I have a great track record of responding to comments even when I do see them)
no subject
Date: 2013-06-01 10:14 am (UTC)Whether you decide to have her put to sleep, or whether she dies in the night, you will probably second-guess yourself and have regrets and guilt about your decision.
I have had enough pet rats (animals with an average lifespan of 2-3 years) that I have rung the changes on "too late" and "too soon". I've guessed wrong (in my own estimation) at least once each way. I've tried CPR, ridiculously, uselessly, knowing the rat was too sick for this to be a kindness.
You will probably blame yourself, but please do not judge yourself too harshly. It is a hard call to make. It is the sort of hard call that for human beings we have ethics committees, and they end up deadlocked and furious; but as pet-owners we muddle along and make our own mistakes.
Don't make this a test of whether you loved her. You love her. She loves you. Whether you give her the 'perfect' death or not.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-01 06:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-06-01 09:12 pm (UTC)i don't know where you are on the spectrum of beliefs, but i'm an intuitive and do animal readings. what i'm getting from her is complete peace; i'm not getting any sense of suffering.
and so much love for you and gratitude to you.
xoxo
no subject
Date: 2013-06-02 06:34 am (UTC)I send you both love and peace and light.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-02 04:24 pm (UTC)You are doing the best you can. It is so hard to take care of a dying pet or a dying anyone-you-love, even without the responsibility of trying to give her a good death. It's okay that it's hard and sad, because it is hard and sad.
You love her and she loves you. And we love you too, and will try to hold you up.
no subject
Date: 2013-06-02 08:13 pm (UTC)This situation is so hard, and my heart goes out to both of you.