(no subject)

[ysobel]

Whyyy do I let myself go shopping with my mom augh

I mean, okay, I know why. It's because I can't go alone (even places that I can get to alone, I can't reach anything at all, even shelves at my height or the stack of baskets or whatever), and I don't always have PAs on duty, and so going with my mom is the only way to get stuff

but

one of the local stores is having a decent sale on tea plus a coupon for 40% off all bagged tea (limit 4 per person), and in theory this is fairly straightforward: go in, stare at tea selection, choose four, leave

but in practice

we spent a whole fucking hour negotiating tea

which has led to among other things ending up with lots of complicated arrangements to split teas

including negotiations to split teas I know sound good -- republic of tea mango Ceylon -- with ones that may or may not -- chocolate pu-erh whaaat -- because of clashing philosophies of how to do this ("use the sale price to try maybe teas" vs "use the sale price to get the more expensiver teas")

and stressy not quite shouting matches about how I goddamn well do not care which tea to get, because at that point I really didn't, or about how I am handling Yahtzee wrong especially when I am doing what she had wanted me to do two minutes before

and

just

I kind of want to scream, or punch things, or something

and then walking back my thoughts devolved into how I can't fucking do anything for myself

how I can't go shopping for myself
(and going with people
requires scheduling
and possibly them judging me
or mocking me
or me feeling the need to defend
what I'm getting
and why)

how I can't get food for myself
(can't even do snacks
unless I decide
in advance
what to have
so that I can
-- if I remember --
have an aide put it out
but I can't spontaneously decide
and there are things I can't eat by myself
even if I think of it in advance
and some stuff I buy
sits uneaten
because when I know I want it
either there is no one around to help
or I am embarrassed
by my desire
and so I learn
to go hungry)

how I can't get drinks for myself
(I know to have my morning aides
set up a water glass
and coffee
and a gigantimug of tea
so that I can hydrate
and caffeinate
but anything that can't sit out for hours
or that needs to be cold
or hot
or that is fizzy
I can't do
by myself
and always there is an awareness
of what my toilet/aide availability will be
or of whether the person helping me
will judge me
for drinking what I am drinking)

how I can't just decide
to pull out Random Yarn from my stash
to work on a new project
or to sit down with my stash and see
what I have
(or just flop in the yarns and cuddle)

and a part of me says
that I should be grateful
rather than resentful
that I should focus on what I can still do

that I can order some stuff online myself
(if I know what I want and also if I have the money)
that I can feed myself
(given the right sorts of foods and the custom utensils)
that I can drink for myself
(given access to my long straws)
that I can still do crafty things myself
(if the things are put out where I can get to them)
that I can use the computer
(and write something
that is either poetry
or pretentious spacing
and I am not sure which)

but gratitude driven by should
is not true gratitude
and regardless
it does not erase
the loss

Comments

[rainbow]

that sounds very rage-inducing indeed, that shopping trip.

yeah, the should thing doesn't erase loss at all at all.

many vibes headed your way.