(no subject)
Apr. 19th, 2018 12:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelI am feeling...
I don't even know how to describe it.
Wibbly and discouraged and tired and blah.
Factor A: migraine hangover (it wasn't a bad migraine as far as they go, but my brain is still somewhat leaden)
Factor B: cleaned off my desk, which should make me proud but just kind of reinforces how much mess there is
Factor C: Got to a new level of wanikani, and made the mistake of looking at what all is involved (33 radicals, 38 kanji, >100 vocab) rather than just letting it come in the lesson chunks (5 at a time, radicals first and then when that is semisolid the kanji, then vocab), so I'm overwhelmed and discouraged and my brainweasels are throwing me "logical" reasons to give up, which I don't want to do but augh so much
Factor D: it is after midnight and my mood always drops at night
Factor E: Loki is still lying on me 85% of the time, which is adorable but slightly frustrating and occasionally cold and wet (the cone gets soaked when he drinks, and then he comes onto me and shares the wetness). Particularly at night he does this thing of shoving his face in my hand -- and he seems to like it when I squeeze, kind of like juicing an orange but gentler; I was wondering why and "because it makes my brain stop buzzing" popped into my mind as his answer, and I don't think he's really talking to me but I worry that the gabapentin is doing weird side effects and making him feel crappy and he can't tell me
Factor F: I am not getting much crafting done, mainly because Loki, but also because I've been low energy and crafting takes some amount of inertia to get started. And I know there will probably come a time when my hands change and I can't crochet and I get mad at myself for not doing as much as possible while I could (like I wish I'd done more cross stitch while it was possible, though at least I had the excuse that I thought I had forever with that)
Factor G: some aspects of my life seem like constant stressors. Aides are one -- and my weekday aide has decided she doesn't want to do Wednesdays for a while, and the only aide that can cover has wed-thu as her "weekend" (since sat-sun she does a lot of work for me and for another client. But she wants two sequential days free) so *shes* pissed off now, and I just want to stop having to deal with life shit.
Factor H: I think my depression meds may be starting to crap out (I've been on them for a while and usually meds stop working after a while and I have to change) but I can't tell how much is meds not working, how much is situational stressors and the effect of chronic stress and chronic uncertainty and chronic pain, how much is just a weakness / failing on my part and I should try harder, etc.
Factor I: I have been a crappy friend lately. Not directly crappy, just ... not keeping up here, not keeping up in other social groups, not keeping up anywhere. Two of my childhood classmates have had babies and I haven't sent so much as a congrats email. I have no clue what's going on with you all. (I have little clue what's going on with the world, but that's deliberate.) I just ... suck, I don't know.
I miss when I actually used to be ... well okay not normal, I was never normal, but. Social and writing and being productive, instead of just metaphorically struggling to keep my head above water.
But uh. What *is* up with you lot? Links to entries of consequence or importance? (*very small voice* reasons why you're still my friends?)
I don't even know how to describe it.
Wibbly and discouraged and tired and blah.
Factor A: migraine hangover (it wasn't a bad migraine as far as they go, but my brain is still somewhat leaden)
Factor B: cleaned off my desk, which should make me proud but just kind of reinforces how much mess there is
Factor C: Got to a new level of wanikani, and made the mistake of looking at what all is involved (33 radicals, 38 kanji, >100 vocab) rather than just letting it come in the lesson chunks (5 at a time, radicals first and then when that is semisolid the kanji, then vocab), so I'm overwhelmed and discouraged and my brainweasels are throwing me "logical" reasons to give up, which I don't want to do but augh so much
Factor D: it is after midnight and my mood always drops at night
Factor E: Loki is still lying on me 85% of the time, which is adorable but slightly frustrating and occasionally cold and wet (the cone gets soaked when he drinks, and then he comes onto me and shares the wetness). Particularly at night he does this thing of shoving his face in my hand -- and he seems to like it when I squeeze, kind of like juicing an orange but gentler; I was wondering why and "because it makes my brain stop buzzing" popped into my mind as his answer, and I don't think he's really talking to me but I worry that the gabapentin is doing weird side effects and making him feel crappy and he can't tell me
Factor F: I am not getting much crafting done, mainly because Loki, but also because I've been low energy and crafting takes some amount of inertia to get started. And I know there will probably come a time when my hands change and I can't crochet and I get mad at myself for not doing as much as possible while I could (like I wish I'd done more cross stitch while it was possible, though at least I had the excuse that I thought I had forever with that)
Factor G: some aspects of my life seem like constant stressors. Aides are one -- and my weekday aide has decided she doesn't want to do Wednesdays for a while, and the only aide that can cover has wed-thu as her "weekend" (since sat-sun she does a lot of work for me and for another client. But she wants two sequential days free) so *shes* pissed off now, and I just want to stop having to deal with life shit.
Factor H: I think my depression meds may be starting to crap out (I've been on them for a while and usually meds stop working after a while and I have to change) but I can't tell how much is meds not working, how much is situational stressors and the effect of chronic stress and chronic uncertainty and chronic pain, how much is just a weakness / failing on my part and I should try harder, etc.
Factor I: I have been a crappy friend lately. Not directly crappy, just ... not keeping up here, not keeping up in other social groups, not keeping up anywhere. Two of my childhood classmates have had babies and I haven't sent so much as a congrats email. I have no clue what's going on with you all. (I have little clue what's going on with the world, but that's deliberate.) I just ... suck, I don't know.
I miss when I actually used to be ... well okay not normal, I was never normal, but. Social and writing and being productive, instead of just metaphorically struggling to keep my head above water.
But uh. What *is* up with you lot? Links to entries of consequence or importance? (*very small voice* reasons why you're still my friends?)
no subject
Date: 2018-04-19 11:50 am (UTC)I like reading your journal because your various projects are so interesting and I love your voice.
I hope you can get your meds straightened out if indeed they are part of the issue. I have heard that depression meds can indeed lose potency sometimes.
Wishing you the best.
no subject
Date: 2018-04-19 12:40 pm (UTC)Sorry to hear you're having a rough night (or week/s, in the case of the aides thing); I hope you can figure out some ways to Whack-A-Weasel with some of those factors.
I really want to post more, and I miss doing fic recs, so I've been pondering whether I should make a couple of recs posts for my current fandom(s). At this point it feels like probably nobody reading my journal is in any of those fandoms, but hey, at least it's something to look at that proves I'm not dead, right? So I'm going to try to put that together sometime soonish.
Otherwise, yeah, it's a whole lot of "nothing to report" on my end! Did my taxes, am working on a minor home improvement project (painting my fireplace to cover up the ugly pink-beige tile), and being lazier than I ought to be (because I *ought* to be doing a number of things, from writing a resume to studying a language, but mostly what I'm doing is reading fic).
no subject
Date: 2018-04-19 02:31 pm (UTC)Riding the waves.
Date: 2018-04-19 03:56 pm (UTC)Read some good books.
Enjoyed wasting time on Reddit.
A bunch of technical posts: both how to and how do I?
and a couple memes in a pear tree.
how much is just a weakness / failing on my part and I should try harder, etc. 0%
no subject
Date: 2018-04-19 04:05 pm (UTC)♥
This and this are the most important positive things? fsvo "positive"
no subject
Date: 2018-04-20 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-04-21 06:04 pm (UTC)work is eating me, headspace is crappy, doing things or being communicative is... hard. But I'm still trucking, and nothing terrible is happening.
I'm sorry that things are being particularly crappy for you at the moment.
Here's to better days!