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ysobelOkay, I still need to go back and do part two of the General updates, but this week has been ... er ... interesting.
Monday night after I went to bed, I had something that was probably a panic attack. (I'd had anxiety attacks before, but this was different.) Heart racing, hyperventilating, total feeling of doom and dread, and I couldn't stay still. Not that I was having a seizure or anything, it was voluntary movements, but just ... kicking and flapping my hands wildly, which is about all I can do, and I couldn't not move. Even what I could do didn't feel like enough. Eventually I got calmed down with the help of a few YouTube videos (one a guided anti anxiety meditation, which had me somewhat less flappy but then I started crying wildly, so I watched some google translate sings videos), but I was all adrenaline-y and didn't get to sleep until after 4.
And then the other choir started Thursday, and the repertoire looks ... interesting but not stunning? Spanish/Exican Christmas songs, basically. Some churchier, some folkier. Veni Veni Emanuel in Latin, Riu Riu Chiu, an O Magnum Mysterium that I've done before, and then a bunch of stuff I don't know. Fun, but not the most impressive program ever. And running VVE was weirdly dreadful -- doing the notes on "du" was fine, but when we did it with words it dragged like hell. Back to syllables, we were fine; back to words, molasses. Count singing (which i hatesssss, preciousss) at various speeds, fine. Words, molasses. It was frustrating.
...and I was wiped out beyond what I expected. I don't know what's up with the fatigue thing, aside from the thing where I can't move and to some extent moving generates energy, but it's driving me crazy. And I was still half dead today, plus my throat feels funny and I can't tell if I'm coming down with something. I don't wanna get sick, whiiiiiine
So after a lot of dithering I decided it would be better to not do choir this quarter -- in addition to fatigue stuff, November is always crazy busy, plus cold and flu -- and so I sent an email to the director explaining the issues and asking if I could sit fall quarter out and come back in January, and his response was so nice and understanding (including saying that if I wanted I could just come when I can) that I'm second guessing my decision. Argh. But I know I'm not good at self care and I need to be, and trying to do choir this quarter will just stress me out
Unrelatedly, my mom went all pouty at me because I ate all the honey cake (that I had been given for Rosh Hashanah) and so didn't have any available to share with her when we did our coffee date today. And apparently I had at one point said something about saving it for coffee (I suspect it was more me saying it would go well with coffee). I'm trying to resist the programming of feeling back because dammit it was my cake, and also I wanted to eat it before it molded. (I can't win with her; if I eat things (especially sweet things) it's the wrong choice, but if I have it sitting around it's the wrong choice, and if I waste it because it molds it's the wrong choice.)
also, back to the fatigue thing and how much this week has sucked, I feel like I am letting the library people down -- there's a thing I'm doing, mostly email based stuff, mostly stuff I can handle (I'm going to post about it at some point with more details) -- but Tuesday, after the panic attack thing, I sent an email to the person training me going "i cant deal with library stuff right now can you watch for sub requests for a few days" and I meant to go back to normal after I caught up on sleep but I'm still overwhelmed and flaily so I'm still not back and I feel like I suck but I also have no brain argh
and one of my iPad games is having a limited time event this weekend and I can't do much with it -- between my iPad being weird about charging and my utter exhaustion -- and I would be sad if I had the energy to
and I'm sick of being tired :(
Can't keep my eyes open. Sleep now.
Monday night after I went to bed, I had something that was probably a panic attack. (I'd had anxiety attacks before, but this was different.) Heart racing, hyperventilating, total feeling of doom and dread, and I couldn't stay still. Not that I was having a seizure or anything, it was voluntary movements, but just ... kicking and flapping my hands wildly, which is about all I can do, and I couldn't not move. Even what I could do didn't feel like enough. Eventually I got calmed down with the help of a few YouTube videos (one a guided anti anxiety meditation, which had me somewhat less flappy but then I started crying wildly, so I watched some google translate sings videos), but I was all adrenaline-y and didn't get to sleep until after 4.
And then the other choir started Thursday, and the repertoire looks ... interesting but not stunning? Spanish/Exican Christmas songs, basically. Some churchier, some folkier. Veni Veni Emanuel in Latin, Riu Riu Chiu, an O Magnum Mysterium that I've done before, and then a bunch of stuff I don't know. Fun, but not the most impressive program ever. And running VVE was weirdly dreadful -- doing the notes on "du" was fine, but when we did it with words it dragged like hell. Back to syllables, we were fine; back to words, molasses. Count singing (which i hatesssss, preciousss) at various speeds, fine. Words, molasses. It was frustrating.
...and I was wiped out beyond what I expected. I don't know what's up with the fatigue thing, aside from the thing where I can't move and to some extent moving generates energy, but it's driving me crazy. And I was still half dead today, plus my throat feels funny and I can't tell if I'm coming down with something. I don't wanna get sick, whiiiiiine
So after a lot of dithering I decided it would be better to not do choir this quarter -- in addition to fatigue stuff, November is always crazy busy, plus cold and flu -- and so I sent an email to the director explaining the issues and asking if I could sit fall quarter out and come back in January, and his response was so nice and understanding (including saying that if I wanted I could just come when I can) that I'm second guessing my decision. Argh. But I know I'm not good at self care and I need to be, and trying to do choir this quarter will just stress me out
Unrelatedly, my mom went all pouty at me because I ate all the honey cake (that I had been given for Rosh Hashanah) and so didn't have any available to share with her when we did our coffee date today. And apparently I had at one point said something about saving it for coffee (I suspect it was more me saying it would go well with coffee). I'm trying to resist the programming of feeling back because dammit it was my cake, and also I wanted to eat it before it molded. (I can't win with her; if I eat things (especially sweet things) it's the wrong choice, but if I have it sitting around it's the wrong choice, and if I waste it because it molds it's the wrong choice.)
also, back to the fatigue thing and how much this week has sucked, I feel like I am letting the library people down -- there's a thing I'm doing, mostly email based stuff, mostly stuff I can handle (I'm going to post about it at some point with more details) -- but Tuesday, after the panic attack thing, I sent an email to the person training me going "i cant deal with library stuff right now can you watch for sub requests for a few days" and I meant to go back to normal after I caught up on sleep but I'm still overwhelmed and flaily so I'm still not back and I feel like I suck but I also have no brain argh
and one of my iPad games is having a limited time event this weekend and I can't do much with it -- between my iPad being weird about charging and my utter exhaustion -- and I would be sad if I had the energy to
and I'm sick of being tired :(
Can't keep my eyes open. Sleep now.
no subject
Date: 2018-10-01 01:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-10-01 11:39 pm (UTC)Fatigue is so real, and so annoying. And when it's at its worst is when we're least able to cope with the things we can't do.
<3 <3