Huh

[ysobel]

So, ok, I have this ... weird inhibition about playing music out loud. I'm fine listening with headphones, but since I can't do those myself, that means I only listen when I have headphones on already. That's mostly at night, when I'm in bed. Singing along doesn't happen much -- it's embarrassing if headphoned, and I'm never not. It's been years, maybe decades, since I've just blasted a fun playlist and let myself sing along.

I keep poking at this mental wall, because I'd love to be able to do that. As far as I can tell, it's a combination of at least two desires/needs.

One is I don't want to bother anyone (more than I have to), combined with an overly sensitive meter for what counts as bothersome (i.e. anything at all). It's like I can only do loud things when alone. Between aides and roommate, I'm rarely alone, and I often just don't think of it as an option in the times I do have. Even if I'm watching a video, I'll often turn it off when someone shows up, because Noise.

It's not a logical thing: my roommate has a room with a door (and also can use her words if she needs quiet) and my aides are paid to be here and none of them would be bothered by what I listen to. It's just ... I somehow just can't, unless I'm alone.

(Oddly, video chat is exempt. I'm fine doing those on my computer with no headphones.)

The other is fear of judgment / mockery. This is a long thing: I remember as a young teen getting my first stereo system (CDs and tapes) and my dad brought along the CDs of Phantom of the Opera, with which I was obsessed, to use the Overture to test the sound of different players, and part of me was vaguely humiliated because it would out me as a Weirdo Who Liked Phantom. (Many of my interests at the time, including POTO and Star Trek, I was convinced were inherently shameful.) My genres are nonstandard, so there's possible weakness there, but also I listen to the same thing over and over again. Usually a playlist/CD rather than a single song, but sometimes even that.

(This is also why I never really got into things like Pandora; if I wanted to listen to X, I wanted to listen to X and not to things similar to X, and I'd rather listen to known comfort music over and over.)

I realized tonight that right now, when my roommate is out of town for a few days, I have times of actual guaranteed aloneness. That I could put on whatever and sing along.

...and I still got slammed with an almost visceral memory of someone saying, incredulously, "you're listening to that AGAIN???" Of someone begging me to put on something different. I don't remember if this was my sister (who would have been an older teen at the time) or in college, but I'm terrified, I guess, of getting that again.

On one hand I don't care if my aides don't approve of how I listen to music, and anyway they're all too nice to say something -- except maybe for "didn't you already play that". On the other, the internalization of "this thing I do is Not Normal*" is too old and too deep. So ... I don't know.

* ... I would not be surprised to learn listening to something on repeat is an autism and/or ADHD thing...

Comments

[vass]

* ... I would not be surprised to learn listening to something on repeat is an autism and/or ADHD thing...

It definitely is.

[rydra_wong]

Seconded.

[pauamma]

Ugh at people shaming you, whether for what you listen to or for how you listen to it.

[kaisa]

I, too, like to listen to the same songs over and over again, sometimes just one song the whole day. Sometimes it's just on the background to make me feel good, sometimes I listen to it in different ways, for example, I pick an instrument or a part in a harmony and follow only that, sometimes I add new melodies or rhythms into it and listen how they "sound" together (I'm not actually making the sounds but imagining them in my head), or sometimes I remove a part in my head and "listen" to the song without it, sometimes I listen to the combination tones of the harmonies, or other stuff that hear but I don't know how to explain in English. Switching focus makes it sound like a slightly different song, because the balance changes every time you switch focus.

There are so many things to hear in a song, how could anyone be satisfied to listen to a good song only once?

Also most songs have something really wrong with them (like the singer's voice has some high frequencies in it that constantly keep slapping your face, or there's the annoying metallic sound of autotune that most current music has, or anything out of tune is stressful, etc), so I really dislike listening to the radio or anything where I can't control what I listen to.

Music

[signeh]

I so totally get this. Sometimes I yearn to sing along RIGHT OUT LOUD but I can't, even if I'm alone. I have ghastly performance anxiety which is why I never seriously studied music. But I miss singing at the top of my lungs, especially The Hallelujah Chorus, which was my high school choir's showcase piece. I'm sorry you miss this thing you love.

[batrachian]

I have been known to put single songs and very short playlists (less than a CD's-worth) on repeat for most of a week running.

Diagnosed? No. Neurodivergent, oh fuck yes.

[krait]

I listen to the same thing over and over again. Usually a playlist/CD rather than a single song, but sometimes even that

High five - I do this, too! It does make me a little extra careful about inflicting my listening materials on others (reasonably; I will leave the same CD in the car player for months, so I try to turn it off when a friend is in the car and has definitely heard it before a few days ago), but mostly I have just learnt to file this under Things I Am Not. Much like I am not a yarncraft person and not a sports person, I am not a music person; I can't tell a minor key from a major key, I can't name genres, I don't go to concerts or even remember who performed a song I like most of the time. I just have a bunch of really random music that I like, and I listen to that a lot, and I have no intention of changing this because the interest isn't there to drive any change.

Could I learn crochet, or how basketball scoring works, or to identify music genres so I can find new things? Probably, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to do what I'm already doing, because that's all it takes to make me happy and there's no reason to do more than that.

Crank the volume up and enjoy!! ♥

Play it, play it!

[jesse_the_k]

I enjoy listening to one song as covered by many artists.

Your needs matter.