(no subject)

[ysobel]

I had a moment of clarity the other day ... I have (pretty much always had) an underlying feeling of Not Good Enough; nga for my dogs, nga as a daughter and sister, nga at writing, nga at singing, pretty much anything. It's not a logical feeling at all (it's often a manifestation of perfectionism, and/or reflects things I can't do because disability and literally no one but me expects it) and my reaction tends to be withdraw / hide / curl into a ball of shame.

I realized the other day that the proper answer/response should be "try harder", not "hide and be miserable". Like, I think a lot of dog owners feel imperfect, but the better response is "try to be the person my dog thinks I am", not "I'll never be as awesome as my dog expects, let me hide"

...the moment of *feelng* the truth of that has passed, and it's back to being intellectually true but feeling hollow. (I am fucking exhausted of fighting the "must hide" reflex for every damn thing.) But I wanted to write it down anyway in case it comes back.

Comments

[pauamma]

I hear you.

[princessofgeeks]

I'm so glad you were able to surface this. I bet now that you have it will be more accessible.

Also I hope you are gentle with the "try harder." Life is very hard and harder for you than for most. Wishing you peace.

{Hug}

[signeh]

The fact that you feel this way about these things acknowledges their importance to you and gives them respect. That is a huge thing. You try your best, which is also huge. No one can ask for more.

[jesse_the_k]

May it come back soon.

[krait]

Awww, hugs and commiserations. ♥ It's always rough realising you've been doing something that isn't helpful, or not enough so.

I have a coaster that says, "I want to be the person my cat thinks I am," and sometimes when my eye falls on it it really is a nice reminder that others see me differently than I see myself.

[swingandswirl]

Very gentle hugs.

For what it's worth, you are enough. just as you are. <3