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ysobelSo last night's blow-up about the stuff in The Artist's Way? While I was flipping out about it, there was a part of my brain that was kind of baffled at the strength of my reaction, because a normal-for-me response would have been to either a) roll my eyes and skip that section, or b) find ways of adapting the core of that advice to what I can actually do. Or both. It's not entirely like me to get that upset over something like that.
(Which is not to negate any of the hurt that I felt. Maybe I was being too sensitive, but I don't care; I felt what I felt, and it wasn't wrong. It was just baffling me how intense it was.)
Today, I realized why that nerve was so raw.
I have never really been Athletic. From what I remember of being a kid (which is Not Much), I strongly preferred curling up with a book to running around outside. I literally did not learn how to ride a bike until sixth grade or so (I was blocked by a thought-trap of "you learn to do things by doing them slowly and carefully", which works fine for some things but not for riding bikes), never really used it as a transportation option, never managed roller skates, etc.
But add a disability on top of that -- a progressive disability, with more and more limitations as time goes on -- and you get someone that's pretty sedentary. In college, when I was still partly mobile, I still used my wheelchair to get to the bathroom even though I was able to walk down the hall that distance, because it was easier. And that was when I had a choice. Now, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't swim, I can't /anything/. (But I probably wouldn't even if I could, because I am like that.)
And I really desperately want to be able to do some sort of exercise, except that it isn't always for healthy reasons. It's for body image reasons. I'm not fat, but I can look at myself and see the flaws -- the places where (due to enforced posture but also body mass) there are rolls of fat crinkling up; the way my thighs splooch out, especially up towards my butt; the way my stomach pooches, which is partly posture and partly cysts taking up room in there and partly just fat; the places (almost everywhere) where there's no muscle definition. (My calf muscles are pretty much not there.) And I can't stop thinking that if I just weighed less, transfers would be easier, I could stand more easily and possibly for longer.
And my parents have not at all been helpful in this regard, and I love them to pieces but can't talk about weight or body image.
Society is not helpful either. You can be Attractive by just eating less and exercising more! ...which is all well and good for some people, but "eat less" has just gotten me into bad habits of skipping meals (rarely a conscious decision, but a sort of hunger-must-be-healthy thought trap behind it), and "exercise more"...
...well, yeah, show me how to do that, especially something that feels like exercise, without moving. I can get some amount of isometric muscle-working, but that doesn't really feel like exercise and isn't really satisfying; nor does it really address the issues (okay maybe I could get some shape to my calves if I worked at it for a really long time, but that doesn't stop me seeing myself as Fatter Than I Should Be.
In conclusion: nnnnngh.
(Which is not to negate any of the hurt that I felt. Maybe I was being too sensitive, but I don't care; I felt what I felt, and it wasn't wrong. It was just baffling me how intense it was.)
Today, I realized why that nerve was so raw.
I have never really been Athletic. From what I remember of being a kid (which is Not Much), I strongly preferred curling up with a book to running around outside. I literally did not learn how to ride a bike until sixth grade or so (I was blocked by a thought-trap of "you learn to do things by doing them slowly and carefully", which works fine for some things but not for riding bikes), never really used it as a transportation option, never managed roller skates, etc.
But add a disability on top of that -- a progressive disability, with more and more limitations as time goes on -- and you get someone that's pretty sedentary. In college, when I was still partly mobile, I still used my wheelchair to get to the bathroom even though I was able to walk down the hall that distance, because it was easier. And that was when I had a choice. Now, I can't walk, I can't run, I can't swim, I can't /anything/. (But I probably wouldn't even if I could, because I am like that.)
And I really desperately want to be able to do some sort of exercise, except that it isn't always for healthy reasons. It's for body image reasons. I'm not fat, but I can look at myself and see the flaws -- the places where (due to enforced posture but also body mass) there are rolls of fat crinkling up; the way my thighs splooch out, especially up towards my butt; the way my stomach pooches, which is partly posture and partly cysts taking up room in there and partly just fat; the places (almost everywhere) where there's no muscle definition. (My calf muscles are pretty much not there.) And I can't stop thinking that if I just weighed less, transfers would be easier, I could stand more easily and possibly for longer.
And my parents have not at all been helpful in this regard, and I love them to pieces but can't talk about weight or body image.
Society is not helpful either. You can be Attractive by just eating less and exercising more! ...which is all well and good for some people, but "eat less" has just gotten me into bad habits of skipping meals (rarely a conscious decision, but a sort of hunger-must-be-healthy thought trap behind it), and "exercise more"...
...well, yeah, show me how to do that, especially something that feels like exercise, without moving. I can get some amount of isometric muscle-working, but that doesn't really feel like exercise and isn't really satisfying; nor does it really address the issues (okay maybe I could get some shape to my calves if I worked at it for a really long time, but that doesn't stop me seeing myself as Fatter Than I Should Be.
In conclusion: nnnnngh.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 03:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 09:25 am (UTC)I mean, without getting into a debate over weight and health and so on: hunger isn't something to seek. You might make the personal health decision to ignore hunger for, well, whatever reason -- but it's not the hunger itself that's desirable. (Well... in some circumstances, it might be what's being sought. But generally speaking that's the result of a disordered thought process, which, yeah. And sometimes breaking down disordered thoughts into their components and taking a close look at the assumptions being made can help address them.)
...um. Anyway. Yeah. >_>
no subject
Date: 2011-01-13 04:00 am (UTC)I'm glad you poked at it and figured out why that nerve was so raw, but I'm sorry you have a raw nerve in the first place. :(