In which Everything returns to musicals
Jan. 22nd, 2011 03:30 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelNote, if you will, the timestamp. It is.not incorrect.
My iPod battery is drained. It is old enough that watching a movie is enough to do that. So... No staring at the ceiling listening to music.
I tried talking to God or the Universe or whoever was listening. Acutely aware of my body - hip, knees, back, bad enough to ping my roommate for ibuprofen; uterus trying halfheartedly to kill me; brain spiraling into familiar ruts of depression - I ended up quoting from Evita. What is the good of the strongest heart in a body that's falling apart? A serious flaw, I hope you know that.
and then somehow I was musing on what might have been, except a part of me thinks I would be just as much a failure if I were normal, just with less excuse. But I have to believe that the universe has some sort of use for me, even if I can't think what. Which turned into yet, not my will but thine, which turned into chastising myself for the hubris of the comparison at the same time as I was pulling up the Gethsemane track of JCS...
I mouthed along with some of it. Not all; listen, surely I've exceeded expectations is kind of a laugh applied to me.
but then I got to the next line - after all, I've tried for three years, seems like thirty - and I just about lost it crying. Because three years is a term on session and I am officially done as of last Tuesday. As I understand it I will always be an Elder, never mind that I never felt like one, but not active. And I am so far beyond burnt out it isn't even funny. Seems like thirty...
And I'm kind of floundering because I love the people in my church but I am kind of exhausted by being the Voice of the Mobility Impaired. Someone has to do it, but why me?
Except ... Idk. I don't know where I was going with all this. Maybe I should see if sleep is still being elusive.
My iPod battery is drained. It is old enough that watching a movie is enough to do that. So... No staring at the ceiling listening to music.
I tried talking to God or the Universe or whoever was listening. Acutely aware of my body - hip, knees, back, bad enough to ping my roommate for ibuprofen; uterus trying halfheartedly to kill me; brain spiraling into familiar ruts of depression - I ended up quoting from Evita. What is the good of the strongest heart in a body that's falling apart? A serious flaw, I hope you know that.
and then somehow I was musing on what might have been, except a part of me thinks I would be just as much a failure if I were normal, just with less excuse. But I have to believe that the universe has some sort of use for me, even if I can't think what. Which turned into yet, not my will but thine, which turned into chastising myself for the hubris of the comparison at the same time as I was pulling up the Gethsemane track of JCS...
I mouthed along with some of it. Not all; listen, surely I've exceeded expectations is kind of a laugh applied to me.
but then I got to the next line - after all, I've tried for three years, seems like thirty - and I just about lost it crying. Because three years is a term on session and I am officially done as of last Tuesday. As I understand it I will always be an Elder, never mind that I never felt like one, but not active. And I am so far beyond burnt out it isn't even funny. Seems like thirty...
And I'm kind of floundering because I love the people in my church but I am kind of exhausted by being the Voice of the Mobility Impaired. Someone has to do it, but why me?
Except ... Idk. I don't know where I was going with all this. Maybe I should see if sleep is still being elusive.
no subject
Date: 2011-01-22 01:48 pm (UTC)I just experienced the wonder that is a Fentanyl patch — what a great pain reliever! Very few side effects and delicious cessation of misery!
Someone has to do it ... and then someone gets to roll back and let someone else do it.
That someone doesn't need to have a mobility impairment. It's possible to train someone too succeed you.