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Jul. 29th, 2015 10:29 pmFwiw I'm doing better since my last post. It's just ... well.
When I started having major FOP symptoms (I was 10 or so and about to enter junior high) it was a bit frustrating and scary -- okay, probably a lot, not a bit -- but I was okay because I still had my brain.
When I started having depression issues (sophomore year of college) and could no longer trust my brain, it was frustrating and scary but I was okay because I could still take care of myself and live independently-ish.
When I got to the point where I needed help with physical tasks like bathroom use and getting in and out of bed, and where I was unemployed and unemployable, it was okay because I could still write.
When I stopped being able to write easily (ideas flow better when I'm writing by hand, which I can't any more, and I also put too much pressure on myself because it was the last "legitimate" way I had of being productive), it was okay because I could still play MMOs. Maybe not legitimate in wider society, but it was social contact as well as entertainment, it was productivity in a virtual sense, it was sort of a way in which I wasn't disabled. (Of course my play style was inhibited by physical restrictions, but I was an adequate player regardless, and not disabled in the game.)
...and then that went away too. And I haven't found an "it's okay because _______" to replace it.
I mean, there are things that make my life okay. I have Yahtzee and Monkey and the most expensive kitten in the world; I have a niece I can watch grow up; I have friends, online (including/especially y'all) and off; I can read, especially ebooke; I have netflix; I have yarn, even if my crafting is slow and awkward, even if I just pet the yarn and do nothing with it. All these things help.
It's just not enough, not yet.
When I started having major FOP symptoms (I was 10 or so and about to enter junior high) it was a bit frustrating and scary -- okay, probably a lot, not a bit -- but I was okay because I still had my brain.
When I started having depression issues (sophomore year of college) and could no longer trust my brain, it was frustrating and scary but I was okay because I could still take care of myself and live independently-ish.
When I got to the point where I needed help with physical tasks like bathroom use and getting in and out of bed, and where I was unemployed and unemployable, it was okay because I could still write.
When I stopped being able to write easily (ideas flow better when I'm writing by hand, which I can't any more, and I also put too much pressure on myself because it was the last "legitimate" way I had of being productive), it was okay because I could still play MMOs. Maybe not legitimate in wider society, but it was social contact as well as entertainment, it was productivity in a virtual sense, it was sort of a way in which I wasn't disabled. (Of course my play style was inhibited by physical restrictions, but I was an adequate player regardless, and not disabled in the game.)
...and then that went away too. And I haven't found an "it's okay because _______" to replace it.
I mean, there are things that make my life okay. I have Yahtzee and Monkey and the most expensive kitten in the world; I have a niece I can watch grow up; I have friends, online (including/especially y'all) and off; I can read, especially ebooke; I have netflix; I have yarn, even if my crafting is slow and awkward, even if I just pet the yarn and do nothing with it. All these things help.
It's just not enough, not yet.