(no subject)

so earlier tonight I was going to write up this thing about how getting to see my mom's new (rental) house today was giving me Teh Sadz because I likely won't ever have a house and normally I'm okay with just an apartment (and i don't really need more because not a family) but it's just part of this Life that I expected as a kid that I would have -- to a five year old (especially growing up in the early 80s) that's just the way things are, you grow up and get a job and get married and get a house and kids and maybe a dog, but the only part of that I have is the dog, and the reality of moving into a new house is not the same as the romanticized Hollywood fantasy of moving into a new house, but I still ...

--but I just could. not. keep my eyes open. At all. It was only like 8:30, which is a time I'm usually in bed but nowhere close to going to sleep, but I just couldn't; and I tried listening to an audiobook but couldn't keep track; and I so I listened to music instead while drifting in and out, really more out than in. And now it's 2am and I'm half awake again and my lungs feel oddly heavy like I'm about to get sick, and I *really don't want to get sick* argh

hoping it's just "feeling slightly off because weird sleep schedule" and not because getting sick

it would also be nice if I could actually get solidly to sleep, not the in-out thing...