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Feb. 9th, 2021 03:56 amI made the mistake of checking my email (at 3:30 am)
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon