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Aug. 26th, 2011 02:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelI did not get nearly enough sleep last night. Apparently, even though I can't actually do anything productive to help with flooded bathrooms, my body still goes on full alert. And since the carpet people were coming over "sometime this morning" to deal with the wet carpet*, and since I wanted to be up and dressed and stuff before maintenance people were tromping around my bedroom and bathroom, I couldn't even sleep in to compensate; in fact I got up earlier than usual, just out of paranoia.
So. No sleep.
(* there is currently a fan blowing down the hallway, which is freaking Suri because OMG LOUD MONSTER. poor kitty.)
...and then I accidentally used one of my pet names for Suri in front of my aide, who promptly started using it. I had an immediate reaction (not expressed) of YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT. MINE. MINEMINEMINE. I know that my aides take cues from me as to how to treat Suri or respond to her, but some of my habits -- particular pet names or phrases, or responding to her noises by mimicking them the best I can -- are a) completely and thoroughly automatic, and b) irritating when the aides do it. But because I do it in front of them, it feels weird to say "you don't get to do that".
However, the babytalk has no excuse whatsoever, and I haven't even managed to say "don't do that" about /that/. because I am a wuss when it comes to things like that. Talking to animals is fine and dandy. Annoying babytalk, not so much.
#
I have not gotten anything written lately. This is frustrating, which means I feel more self-pressure to write, which makes it hard to write, which is a COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USELESS CYCLE that I am trapped in.
I really really wish /awareness/ of bad brain patterns were enough to /eliminate/ said brain patterns.
(I know it's progress, I know that you can't really get out of negative ruts unless you know they're there, but the middle ground gives the brainweasels so much fucking ammunition, because I don't have the excuse of not being aware I'm doing it, so "obviously" I'm not strong enough / I'm just being contrary / I like being miserable / I'm doing this to myself / etc etc etc. Which is yet another brain pattern and I know that but it feels so true that it's hard to fight.)
So. No sleep.
(* there is currently a fan blowing down the hallway, which is freaking Suri because OMG LOUD MONSTER. poor kitty.)
...and then I accidentally used one of my pet names for Suri in front of my aide, who promptly started using it. I had an immediate reaction (not expressed) of YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT. MINE. MINEMINEMINE. I know that my aides take cues from me as to how to treat Suri or respond to her, but some of my habits -- particular pet names or phrases, or responding to her noises by mimicking them the best I can -- are a) completely and thoroughly automatic, and b) irritating when the aides do it. But because I do it in front of them, it feels weird to say "you don't get to do that".
However, the babytalk has no excuse whatsoever, and I haven't even managed to say "don't do that" about /that/. because I am a wuss when it comes to things like that. Talking to animals is fine and dandy. Annoying babytalk, not so much.
#
I have not gotten anything written lately. This is frustrating, which means I feel more self-pressure to write, which makes it hard to write, which is a COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USELESS CYCLE that I am trapped in.
I really really wish /awareness/ of bad brain patterns were enough to /eliminate/ said brain patterns.
(I know it's progress, I know that you can't really get out of negative ruts unless you know they're there, but the middle ground gives the brainweasels so much fucking ammunition, because I don't have the excuse of not being aware I'm doing it, so "obviously" I'm not strong enough / I'm just being contrary / I like being miserable / I'm doing this to myself / etc etc etc. Which is yet another brain pattern and I know that but it feels so true that it's hard to fight.)