(no subject)

[ysobel]

there is just so much overwhelming sadness right now. yesterday is of course fired -- between the boston marathon horribleness, and a double homicide two doors down from where my mom lives (and -- despite the loltastic mentalist episode where davis has the homicide department of inner-city proportions -- this is not a thing that happens often). but there's so much more than that. there's the fact that the pastor at my church (who has been there for 24 years!) is retiring, and I still haven't entirely processed that. there's the fact that a friend's dad died abruptly, which for one thing makes me feel horrible for said friend and her family, but is also setting off a not-unfamiliar paranoia about what will happen if/when my own dad dies (especially since I am dependent on him for ohgodsomuch, for dealing with shit and for yelling at insurance and for paying my rent and for all my health insurance stuff). there's -- just. I can't even.

(and on top of all that there's just depression mindfuckery, and who knows what else going on in my head)

and I feel horribly disconnected, and part of that is because I sort of am -- I fell off of hanging out on IRC and haven't gotten up the courage to go back in (nfi why it takes courage! except for the part where I am thoroughly convinced that no one wants me around while I am being depressey, because all I do is whine), and in-person hanging-out-ness is limited and also fake because I am good at pretending (in person) to be okay and then it just feels worse because it's not involving the Real Me, but see above re the Real Me being not very good company and I can't stand myself so how can anyone else

and.

and I keep going back to the image of adulthood I had as a kid, where -- when you grew up -- you got married and had a job and had a house and had kids and basically replicated the sort of family life I was used to. it didn't allow for being unmarried and disabled and unemployable and unproductive and depressed and stuff. and some of that's okay (especially the kid thing because I would be a horrible parent, too insecure and too much wanting to be Nice, as well as not being physically able to parent in any way) but it just makes me feel like a horrible failure, as a person and as a daughter and as a friend and everything else.

so much sad.

Comments

[velvetmouse]

*psst* chat would love to see you. we miss you! <3

[amianym]

For the record, I always enjoy seeing you in IRC regardless of what you have to say, and I find you to be awfully lovely in general.

[azurelunatic]

♥

I like it when you show up in IRC. Woe shared is woe ... sometimes slightly mitigated.

[jesse_the_k]

♥

That creepy "nobody wants to talk to me because I'm depressed" is actually the fucking depression talking. Not your friends or pals or folks who might want to be pals.

And it's also totally OK to be sad when so many hard things are happening. Not a pathological reaction — just human.