tonight

[ysobel]

cw: "clean your plate"-ese

there was something odd
about the coleslaw we had for dinner
not the wrongness of spoiled food
but something unsettling
like using the wrong word
when you can't think of the right one to take its place

my roommate does not take offense
at people -- me -- not liking what she comes up with
even she doesn't always like things
so I know I can say "I'm not finishing this"
and be safe

but I grew up with the rule
that if you were a guest
at someone else's meal
you smiled, and ate what you were given
and swallowed any criticism
(restaurants were exempt
but this otherwise applied
to anything you did not cook yourself)

and I grew up with the rule
that you finish what is on your plate
(think of the starving kids in Ethiopia)
which I think grew out of a disparity
between what we thought we had room for
and what we actually did have room for
and was supposed to encourage taking smaller portions
but really just left us sullenly, unwillingly
eating the last bits of something we no longer wanted
or -- to not waste food --
it could be saved for later, but
would have to be eaten at some point

and I maybe grew up with an unspoken rule
that food is personal
that providing food was showing love
and enjoying food was showing love
and "I really liked dinner"
was code for "I love you"
which has the unfortunate implication
(if a equals b
then not-a equals not-b)
that saying you didn't the dinner someone prepared
was tantamount to not liking *them*

so tonight
I forced a second bite of coleslaw
and then hesitantly mentioned that there was something odd
and my roommate agreed
neither of us could figure out what
maybe it just was too fresh; some salads
need a day to really settle
or maybe there was just something
that didn't work

but it was only when she agreed with me
that I could allow myself to put down my spoon
and stare at the uneaten lump of coleslaw
rocking back and forth with anxiety
because Clean Your Plate
and because Eat Your Veggies
and because
because

she asked if I wanted something else
and I asked for an apple
(which she cut up for me
with cheerful willingness)
and felt like a failure