(no subject)

[ysobel]

Right now, I am a huge gaping hole of sadness and of missing the things I used to be able to do.

I miss swimming. I miss just being in the water. I miss being able to go places for vacations. I miss the oceans, and seeing whales if it was the right time of year and you got lucky. I miss standing barefoot on wet sand and letting the edges of icy waves numb my feet and suck them deeper into the sand, or playing tag with the waves and inevitably losing. I miss the stars, which aren't really visible from here because of light pollution.

I miss the specific place on the coast where we used to go for vacations and I would do jigsaw puzzles and counted cross-stitch and have a stack of books to read, and I can't do that any more. Not vacations (overnight anythings don't work because my lift is not portable), not jigsaw puzzles (except digital, which isn't the same at all), not counted cross-stitch (I have a theory for something that might possibly let me do it again but I need equipment I don't have yet and anyway it's a long shot), not really physical books (ebooke are my reading life at this point, and fuck anyone who says it's not really reading, but it's also not the same physically, doesn't have the same feel or smell), nothing.

I miss being able to curl up in bed with a book. I miss being able to curl up in bed, period. I miss lying on my side, or on my stomach, or anything other than on my back, which is all I'm reduced to now. I miss origami. I miss knitting (which I can still do, slowly and awkwardly and sometimes painfully, but there is a reason more of my stuff lately has been crochet). I miss coloring books. I miss being able to reach out for things,

I miss being able to do finger foods by finger (right now it's either fork/spoon or someone else's fingers, but other peoples' fingers never fucking taste right). I miss being able to drink from cups, from mugs, from bottles and cans and glasses. (It's all straws all the time for me.)

I miss hugs. I miss snuggling. I miss touch. I miss being able to wipe my own eyes, blow my own nose, rub my face, scratch an itch with fingers.

And there are things that I don't miss only because it's been so long that I've forgotten them. Walking? Running? Kneeling? Stretching? What are these things?

I just...

I miss.

And it hurts.

And I can't do a fucking thing about it.

Comments

[rydra_wong]

Listening.