(no subject)

[ysobel]

My brain's Inner Critic (fueled by brainweasels!) is on a complete and utter rampage tonight.

I have a friend visiting overnight; our sleeping schedules are wildly different (right now I tend to go to bed 8ish and get up 9 or 10, she is more 3am to 3pm), and while I have no problems with her end of this mismatch, mine makes me the Worst Host Ever.

I did not make any progress on crochet stuff this weekend, which makes me the Worst "Crafter" Ever and also the Worst Aunt Ever because my current projects are all for niecelet.

I got cranky at my aide (who is not the sharpest lightbulb in the box of hammers) and am therefore somehow the Worst Disabled Person Ever.

Plus I keep whining about shit like this and no one wants to hear this sort of thing no one is going to want to put up with me why can't i fucking behave like a good girl and stop having these stupid emotions and failures and I am so unbelievably lazy and cluttered/disorganized and stupid (not in the low iq sense but in the not using your potential) and AUGH

(Sometimes I feel like, if they did brain surgery on me, I would have oozy black sludge all sloshing around in there)

And then. THEN.

So I have cpap. Cpap is good. It does not help me get to sleep but it does improve the quality of sleep that I get.

Tonight, in addition to inexplicable nausea (for which I nommed some ultra yummy pepto bismol), I was getting mild claustrophobia from the mask/air, which never happened before. Mind, I have worn the mask all night every night since getting it, and the insurance only requires four hours a night for 2/3 of the nights in the first month (but of course I rarely have the option of having it on for only part of a night; usually it's either on or it's off and it stays whichever way from the time I go to bed to the time I get up), and so it’s not like I would be shot at dawn for skipping even a whole night. (Current strategy was to have friend-who-is-staying come shut it off, claw the mask off my face, and have her come back in an hour so I can decide whether to try it again or leave it off.)

...but even taking it off for an hour feels like failing or giving up or something. Because brainweasels and perfectionism.

Comments

[synecdochic]

Love.

Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a good friend in your situation, yeah? You wouldn't call me the Worst Disabled Person Ever or the Worst Crafter Ever or the Worst Aunt Ever or the Worst Host Ever for any of the above, would you? You'd just say "well of course", because MITIGATING FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES, darling. Give yourself credit for your mitigating fucking circumstances, and cut yourself some slack.

[princessofgeeks]

Brainweasels are awful. Hope it eases up soon. Because of course none of what they say is true.

[zhelana]

I think that happens to everyone with the CPAP eventually. You get used to it as you can. :)

[ysobel]

I try. It's hard -- the self-negative voices are loud and insistent, especially when I'm tired, and it feels impossible, and there's a part of me entrenched in the idea that I have to do more and better than anyone else just to be barely good enough; Logic Brain knows that's a destructively impossible standard, but it runs deeper than Logic Brain, into the more fundamental emotional parts of myself, growing like weeds in the cracks and corners.

*wants to curl up in your lap, metaphorically at least*

[ysobel]

<3

My therapist pointed out that the brainweasels have been worse since the prednisone -- so maybe they will ease off again given time?

[ysobel]

I changed back to the medium prongs, and that helped. The small fit better, felt better, but didn't give enough airflow. The mediums leak, not enough for the machine to care but enough to cause sensory problems where the air hits my upper lip, but I can breathe better.

[synecdochic]

I totally get it, yeah. <3