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Feb. 9th, 2021 03:56 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ysobelI made the mistake of checking my email (at 3:30 am)
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon
there was a message from my doctor
Basically boiled down to "[adhd/asd] testing is usually done in schools. What's the point of finding out now, anyway?"
OH I DONT KNOW MAYBE MY BRAIN NOT WORKING HAS BECOME INTOLERABLE
MAYBE I WANT SOMETHING THAT ISNT SELF DIAGNOSIS
An autism evaluation is something I don't need except as how it's hard to untangle asd and add, and also I feel awkward telling anyone about it
But, like, I CANNOT FUCKING FUNCTION RIGHT NOW
I've only barely ever been able to function, I just thought everyone dealt with things like this ... the more I read adhd Twitter, the more I realize just how much the Pit Of I'm-A-Fuckup that I've carried my WHOLE FUCKING LIFE is exactly adhd stuff and/or asd
Only because I'm a girl and because I wasn't hyperactive I never got tested, never even considered. And now that I'm an adult it somehow doesn't matter???
And now I'm crying and ... it's not that I didn't know it would be a struggle getting an eval, I just didn't expect pushback from her in particular, really just I should not have looked at that email because now there's not a chance in hell I'll get back to sleep any time soon
What @always_sundae said!
Date: 2021-02-09 05:39 pm (UTC)Here to confirm that psychic pain matters. The "point" is you're frustrated and miserable. That's not okay! You deserve to live your best life.
And diagnosis, in this case, could mean you get to put down a huge burden of "not good enough" you've been carrying for a long time.
(It's so frustrating that we have to rely on the medical establishment, which is so tilted towards "disabled lives are not really human," to get access to information and treatment that make disabled lives worth living.)