i hear the voices when I'm dreaming

So I just realized (maybe re-realized idk) a serious flaw in my brain's Perpetual Ominous Warnings Of Doom (mostly to the tune of "I am going to fuck things up", with occasional sprinklings of "something bad will happen and you aren't prepared")

which is that something *will* eventually go wrong, and I *will* eventually fuck something up. Not because I suck, just ... that's the way the universe is. And while the endless anticipatory anxiety won't actually really have helped, the prediction itself technically came true -- meaning my brain will use it as proof that the anxiety itself is necessary.

Kind of like when a hoarder actually does find a use for a random hoarded item, just by chance, and uses that as justification for "I might need this someday" hoarding. Only the anxiety thing is worse because there isn't even the "accidentally helpful" moment; it's just feeling shitty in advance without actually changing anything.

I'm not quite sure what to do with this, or how to turn it from intellectual understanding to maybe calming anxiety down, or keeping it from backfiring on me, but ... huh.

Note to self:

Trying an app does not commit you to continuing with that app.

Really. Even if the app gives bonuses for daily activity.

The world will not end if you stop doing the crossword apps (you know, the ones that you find at best mildly annoying and at worst frustrating). Nor do you have less moral value for "giving up". And while crosswords are supposedly good for your brain, so are other things; it's less that crosswords are magic bullets, and more that using your brain is good. So is sleeping, and reading, and other things you could be doing with the extra time.

If you don't find a game actually *fun*, it's okay to stop doing it. I promise.

With love,
Me

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(Note to future self: if crossword apps turn out to be super duper important after all, I apologize for stopping. -you know who)