(no subject)

I don't know if "wanting Monkey to forgive me for letting her die" is a grief thing or what. It's an irrational, impossible desire/ I think it ties in to my ongoing struggle with feeling Not Good Enough, and probably just a sharper variant of wanting forgiveness for not being able to skritch her.

One of the people I follow on Twitter does kitten fostering and just posted a small saga of a handful of bottle-fed babies. Only half of them survived. I don't know how she does it. I know there's a difference between a cat you've known for ten years and a kitten you've known for only days, but you still feel attached, you still care.

The last few years I keep wavering between planning my "strategies" for future cats and realizing my current animals may well be my last. One of the things I would do if I had infinite money (okay I don't need it infinite just, like, billions, maybe trillions) and could care for animals myself is go to the shelter and ask for the cats that have been there the longest -- but I don't have either the money or the ability.

I'm trying not to judge myself for how much or how little I cry; I feel selfishly grateful that this gives me an excuse for a while for not getting stuff done, and sometimes I wonder if I'm *just* being selfish (but no, not really; selfish people don't worry about it, right?)

(I posted about her to FB last night; I'd been hesitant because it felt very "me me me pay attention to meeeeee" but then I had to laugh because-- what else is FB for?)

I know I have orange yarn; maybe I should make a mini Monkey...